JERRY SEINFELD\u2019S \u201cI\u2019M TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST
TIME\u201d.
HALLOWEEN AND CANDY. (MINUTE 16.38.)

Candy was my whole life when I was a kid. The first 10 years of
my life I think the only clear thought I had was GET CANDY.
That was it. Family, friends, school... they were just obstacles in
the way to the candy. That\u2019s why you have to teach kids not to
take candy from a stranger if they\u2019re in the playground because
in such candy moron - idiot brain goes just:
-\u201c this man has candy, I\u2019m going with him, I don\u2019t care what

- Don\u2019t go! he\u2019ll torture you! He\u2019ll kidnap you!
-\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter, I have to take that chance.\u201d
So, the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when
you\u2019re a kid, your brain can\u2019t even process the information.

What is this? What did you say? Who\u2019s giving out candy?
Everyone that we know is giving out candy? Are you kidding
me?, when is this happening?, where?, why? Take me with you.
I\u2019ve got to be a part of this. I\u2019ll do anything they want\u2026 I can
wear that. I\u2019ll wear anything I have to wear. I\u2019ll do anything I
have to do to get candy from those fools who are so stupidly
giving it away.

So, the first couple of years I made my own costume, which of
course, sucked: the ghost\u2026 no good. Then, finally the third
year, begging the parents, got the superman costume, not
surprisingly. Mask included. Remember the rubber band at the
back of the mask? That was a quality item right there wasn\u2019t it?
That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped from that
cheap little staple they put in there. You go to your first house:

So I had my little costume. I was physically ready, I was
preparing myself. I didn\u2019t try on the costume prior to
Halloween.

put it on and go off the roof. I love the idea of a kid who is
stupid enough to think he actually is superman but smart enough
to check that box before he goes off the roof.

So, anyway, I was thinking that this was probably the same
exact costume that superman wears himself. See, you put this
thing on, they are not exactly the super-fit that you are hoping
for. It looks more like superman pajamas, it\u2019s what it looks like,
it\u2019s all kind of loose and flowing, the neckline kind of comes
down about here, the flimsy little rubber string at the back.
Plus, my mother makes me wear my winter jacket over the
costume anyway. See, I don\u2019t recall superman wearing a jacket!
Not like I had: cheap phony fur. Boy, I\u2019m superman but it\u2019s a

So, I\u2019m going out on trick or treat but the mask, the rubber band,
keeps breaking, keeps getting shorter, it\u2019s getting tighter and
tighter on my face. You know, it starts slicing into your eyeballs
in there. You try to breath through that little hole, you are
getting all sweaty. I can\u2019t see, I can\u2019t breath but we\u2019ve gotta
keep going, we\u2019ve gotta get the candy.
Half an hour into it you just take the mask: oh the hell with it!
Ding- dong. Yeah, it\u2019s me. Give me the candy. Yes, I\u2019m