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APPLAUSE AND THE THEME SONG FADE OUT, AND ARE REPLACED BY
BACKGROUND MUSIC AS FRED WALSH READS THE AD COPY.
FRED WALSH
When you need to fill a prescription,
find an over the counter remedy when
you're feeling ill, or get just the
right shade of lipstick for the big
date, where can you turn? Walgreens has
been helping folks like you with
problems like these for more than 100
years. Sure, you may have to hunt a
salesclerk down in order to pay when it
would be so much easier to just walk out
the door instead, but once you do snatch
a hold of one they will be sure to
recite to you all the corporate
catchphrases you've grown to love as
they ring up your items. With over 1000
easy to use locations right across the
street from a Rite Aid or CVS, it's
simple to be well at Walgreens! Stop in
today!
APPLAUSE AND THEME SONG RETURNS.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Welcome back to Raise the Stakes! Here's
your host, Dick Tweed!
DICK TWEED
I don't think they'd have forgotten
already, Fred.
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
Jim Kennings has made quite the killing
in round one, skipping straight to the
big prize, a California dream home. Here
he is now, fresh from his audience
interrogation lifeline. His knuckles are
bruised and his shirt is bloody, but
he's no worse for wear. What do you say
Jim, did you learn what you needed to
know?
JIM KENNINGS
I'll say I did, Mr Tweed. I'm ready for
the trivia round.
A LOUD BUZZING SOUND IS HEARD.
DICK TWEED
I never would have guessed it, but you
know what that sound means. Jim Kennings
has pleased The Executive yet again, and
will be receiving another Panache Point!
That may be a new record! Instead of
improving on that house and lifestyle,
we're going to RAISE THE STAKES!
APESHIT APPLAUSE RETURNS.
JIM KENNINGS
That's fine with me Mr Tweed, I didn't
want to live in this land of sodomites
anyway.
LOUD BUZZING SOUND AGAIN
DICK TWEED
I personally don't care for that sort of
opinion Jim, but it seems The Executive
loves it. We'd better move on to trivia
time before we have to give you MY job!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
DICK TWEED
(Somberly)
All right folks at home, as you can see
the Head of Judgment has passed this
stack of cards to me to ask Mr Kennings
here about the life of audience member
13B, who I am told did not survive the
interrogation round. Our thoughts and
prayers go out to his surviving
relatives. I want to let you folks at
home know that they will be receiving an
all-expense paid weekend trip to Sea
World in beautiful San Antonio, a brand
new Scion xB, and the Raise the Stakes
FRED WALSH
And there he goes, up and through the
flaming ring! He's barely smoking! His
hair has been singed off, but there are
no flames on his person!
AUDIENCE CHEERING. METAL SCRAPING SOUND, FOLLOWED BY ANIMAL
GROWLING.
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
Such gamesmanship! I never would have
thought of it!
AUDIENCE SCREAMING, ANIMAL GROWLING
FRED WALSH (CONT'D)
(Excitedly)
Our Emperor, Jim Kennings, hallowed be
his name, has opened the door of the
tiger cage and is hiding behind it,
releasing the tigers to feed upon the
audience! This really raised the stakes,
ladies and gentlemen. I've never been so
happy to be up here in the soundbooth,
away from all of the action. Now that
the cage is empty and the tigers are
occupied, he is running through the cage
and out the other side, making straight
for the metal bars. Wait, why is he
stopping in the cage? He is stooping
down...he seems to have picked something
up...Can we get a close-up please? Oh, I
see, he has rubbed his hands with tiger
dung.
SMATTERING APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE MEMBERS NOT BEING
ATTACKED.
FRED WALSH
I understand now. He's making his way up
the greased metal bars fairly quickly,
using the meaty friction of tiger
excrement.
METAL CLANGING.
FRED WALSH
It seems the animal control experts have
managed to sedate all of the tigers with
minimal loss of audience members.
Emperor Kennings is surely a benevolent
and generous ruler. He has made his way
to the top! The only thing standing in
his way from untold glory the likes of
which this television program has never
seen is a 200 foot zipline with no
harnesses or nets, just his hands and
upper body strength keeping him from
falling to an agonizing death. If I
thought any of us could tear our eyes
away from this scene I would ask you to
bow your heads in prayer, but keep your
eyes on your screens ladies and
gentlemen, here he goes!
A WHIZZING SOUND, FOLLOWED BY A LOUD LANDING SOUND AND
FLOURISH FROM A BAND.
FRED WALSH
(Yelling Excitedly)
He's done it! Ladies and gentlemen,
home audiences around the world, our
king and keeper Jim Kennings has made
the perilous zipline journey and now
stands before the Judgment Panel,
disheveled and muddy, with dirty hands
but a champion's heart! What could a man
given the world possibly win? I give you
now your host once more, Dick Tweed!
AUDIENCE CHEERING. HEAVY BREATHING FROM JIM KENNINGS.
DICK TWEED
Ladies and gentlemen, after tense
discussion between myself, the judgment
panel, and Mr Executive himself, we have
come to a decision on this amazing
victory. I don't know how well Emperor
Kennings will take the news, but it's
time to RAISE THE STAKES!
APESHIT APPLAUSE.
DICK TWEED
Jim Kennings, you've already won the
entire world. I hope you will show a
humble citizen such as myself mercy when
I tell you that our ruling on winning
the Physical Challenge after becoming
King of the World is...GODHOOD!
AUDIENCE GASPS.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
You were a godly man during your time on
Earth, but now you must ascend to the
heavens and become that great I Am, our
Lord and Savior, Jim Kennings!
WILD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE. DRUIDIC CHANTING IS HEARD
IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE JIM AND DICK TALK.
JIM KENNINGS
(With lots of reverb)
Fear not, thou good and faithful game
show host. I was a godly man on Earth,
but there is no sacrilege in ascending
to Godhood.
DICK TWEED
But wait, there's more! Let's RAISE THE
STAKES!
AUDIENCE GASPS FOLLOWED BY WILD APPLAUSE. THUNDER STRIKES.
DICK TWEED (CONT'D)
You heard that Panache Point buzzer
before the physical challenge! That
means we double the round!
JIM KENNINGS
But Dick, I don't understand, what is
beyond Godhood?
DICK TWEED
Beyond the realm of man's knowledge and
beyond the limits of reality, the Old
Ones have slept, silent and senseless,
for more eternities than can be numbered
or rightfully be thought to exist!