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Getting Divorced For A Good Reason
 by
 Jason Earls
,author of the Underground Guitar Handbook, Red Zen, Mathematical Bliss,Heartless Bastard In Ecstasy & other bookshttp://becomeguitaristfromhell.blogspot.com/http://www.youtube.com/user/zevi35711 About 3 o’clock in the afternoon on a November day, not too cold, not too hot. Two southernmen in their late 40s sitting on their front porch in ratty lawn chairs. One was wearing an old black Stetson hat half-faded from sun exposure and the other was wearing a bent up trucker’s capwith John Deere emblazoned on the front. They both had on faded overalls and were drinking beer and had just finished polishing off a large tub of cottage cheese each. For some strangereason, in their particular part of Oklahoma, men had a habit of eating large quantities of cottagecheese while drinking copious amounts of beer, they loved that particular food/beveragecombination although no one could say why. An old English bulldog was laying in the grass afew feet from them, and near it an old white mutt. The dogs had their eyes closed and their headsresting on their front paws, half-napping, occasionally moving their tails.“Did you hear that Theresa and Jimbo are getting a divorce?” Leroy said, the one wearing the black cowboy hat.“Oh yeah. Why is that?” said Elmer, the man wearing the trucker’s cap.“Irreconcilable differences.”“That’s what they always say when they don’t have a real reason.”“Oh, they had a real reason, all right.”“Okay, what was it then?”Leroy sniffed and looked around his yard for a few seconds, then said: “They fucked their  parents.”Elmer’s eyes widened quite a bit. “What was that?”“I said they fucked their parents.”“Their own parents?”“No. Theresa fucked Jimbo’s dad, and Jimbo fucked Theresa’s mom.”“My God, why would they go and do something like that?”“They just got bored, I guess.”“Jesus... they just got bored...” Elmer shook his head a while, then took a sip of his beer.“There’s not a whole lot to do in this town, Elmer. You know that. So some of the trashier people
 
get bored and start fucking different folks to produce a little excitement in their lives. Just toliven things up a bit and get some good cheap-thrills going.”“Swingers and such you mean...” Elmer commented, poking at his false eye a little bit; he hadlost an eye in the Korean War.“Right. They come up with all kinds of games, I’ve heard. One is that couples go to parties,throw their car keys in a bucket, and later they take turns drawing them out and whoever’s keysget pulled, they have to fuck that couple for the night.”“Sounds like Nietzsche was right.”Elmer scowled for a second and looked over at Leroy. “What do you mean by that?”“Ain’t he the one that said ‘God is Dead’? No morality left in the whole damn world it seems.”“I wouldn’t know about all that.” Elmer took out his big white alabaster pipe and loaded it slowlywith Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco, then he brought out a long kitchen match and lit it.“So Jimbo and Theresa are getting a divorce, huh. Hey, isn’t Jimbo’s dad known for his hugeschlong?”“Yep. His nickname at the foundry was ‘burro,’” Elmer said with puffs rising from his alabaster  pipe.“And Theresa, she’s just a little bitty old thing. How did she take all that in?”“I don’t want to know.”“And doesn’t Theresa’s mom have really humongous boobs?”“Like watermelons. She never wears a bra and they hang and flop all over the place. Saw her inthe Post Office like that just the other day. Embarrassing as hell.”“Wow, I’ll bet Jimbo had a lot of fun with those.”“I know he did.” Elmer said, scratching at a long scar on his neck.“So when did they file for divorce? I thought Jimbo and Theresa would be together forever.”“They filed last week. I guess after they fucked their parents and told each other about it, theystarted fightin’ like rabid weasels and their marriage just went straight to hell.”“Too bad. They were a damn good-looking couple a few years back. Thought they were perfectfor each other. When they were young, they seemed about the happiest couple I’d ever seen, two people really in love.”“Yep. Acted like they could just eat each other up whenever I saw ‘em. Never wanted to be aparteven for one second.”A cat ran into the yard, a small fiesty gray alley cat with long shaggy hair sticking up in alldirections. The cat ran right over the body of the sleeping English bulldog with a loud screech:
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