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BETTER THAN CRYING:

Poking Fun at Politics,


the Press & Pop Culture

Baratunde R. Thurston

Kingly Companion Media, LLC


Cambridge MA
Better Than Crying:
Poking Fun at Politics, the Press & Pop Culture
Copyright © 2004, by Baratunde R. Thurston.
All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner


whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief
quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For informa-
tion, address:
Kingly Companion Media, LLC
955 Massachusetts Ave, PMB #207
Cambridge MA 02139
publishing@kinglycompanion.com
(877) 859-9394

First Edition

Book Interior designed by Opus1 Design, Los Angeles, CA


Cover design by Husani Barnwell
Back cover photo by Bob Keene/Keenevision.com

ISBN 0-9746762-1-7
Printed in the United States of America
This book is dedicated to my mother,
who always taught me to take note of the contradictions.
Acknowledgements
I’d like to thank so many people for helping me with this
first book: My mother and sister for supporting me, believing
in me, challenging me and pushing me. My editors, without
whom this book would be a mere collection of insane ram-
blings. Thanks to you guys, it’s a funny, mostly-grammatically
correct collection of insane ramblings. So thanks Dolyta,
Seph, Eli, Joel, Vlad, John, Poonam, Mawi and Rishi. Thanks
to Husani for the hot cover and Pam for the interior design.
Thanks also to the Boston and Cambridge comedy scene;
the U.S. Constitution, for guaranteeing certain inalienable
rights and the Bush Administration for trying to alienate
them; Fox News for making comedy that much easier; and
thank you Mieka for the inspiration. I continue to take fate
day by day.
…a man has two ways out in life — laughing
or crying. There’s more hope in laughing.

Dick Gregory
in his first autobiography Nigger
Table of Discontents
Introduction .................................................................. 11

Chapter 1: Media-crity .................................................. 15


Fox Introduces Terrorist Series............................................. 16
Fox Announces New White House Show ............................... 16
NBC Launches Dateline Action Figures................................ 17
MTV Shoots New Reality Series........................................... 17
The Ten O’Clock News, A Remix ......................................... 19
Fox Keeps it Real............................................................... 23
Is 911 a Joke in Your Town? ............................................... 26
Researchers Discover Bullets Kill Mice.................................. 27
New Study Attacks Studies.................................................. 28
MTV “Cribs” Needs Diapers for O-Town............................... 30
“Cradles” – A Transcript .................................................... 32
Olympic Profiles in Courage................................................ 43

Chapter 2: Foreign Objects ........................................... 47


General Wiranto Releases Love Song CD .............................. 49
Israeli Rocket Attack Accidentally Kills German .................... 51
Good Country, Bad Country............................................... 53
White House Insists Arafat “Do More” from Pile of Rubble ...... 55
Alabamans Repeal Interracial Marriage Ban........................ 57

Chapter 3: Domestic Violence.......................................59


An Interview with John Ashcroft.......................................... 61
Cheney Undergoes Resurrective Surgery ................................ 66
Bush Appoints Romulan to UN Post, Cites Diversity .............. 69
The H.C.I.C. (Head Corpse in Charge) ................................ 71
Private Schools Institute Early Admissions Policy ................... 73
Police Search for Black Male ............................................... 75
Massachusetts Election: The Real Debate .............................. 77

Chapter 4: Download This ............................................83


Online Crap No Longer Exciting ......................................... 84
Response to Spam Email #1 ................................................ 86
IBM Unveils New Quote-Unquote Job Status......................... 89
Microsoft is Dead .............................................................. 91
Response to Spam Email #2 ................................................ 93
An Inspirational Chain Email ............................................ 97

Chapter 5: Straight from the Soap Box ....................... 103


On Why It’s Not Your Afro................................................ 104
On Booty Dancing........................................................... 106
On The Real Star Wars.................................................... 108
On The Real Star Wars, An Apology.................................. 110
On Celebrating Black History ........................................... 111

About The Author........................................................ 115


Introduction

Welcome to Better Than Crying: Poking Fun at Politics the Press,


& Pop Culture. You’re in for quite a ride. As the title implies,
this book is funny. Really funny. I’m talking knee-slapping-on-
Def-Comedy-Jam funny. I’m talking George-W.-Bush-getting-
into-Yale-based-on-his-intellect funny. I’m talking Fox-News-we-
report-you-decide funny.
People sometimes ask me, “Baratunde, why comedy? Why
do you try to make people laugh?” To each one of them I offer
the same answer: I’m looking for the fastest way to squander
my education.
I have chosen to write this book because I can, because I
think a lot of people will find it both amusing and educational
and because, if Ann Coulter can write a book, why not me? If
you don’t know who Ann Coulter is, consider yourself lucky.
Before you get too invested in and comfortable with Better
Than Crying, I need to administer a brief test which will ensure
that this book is right for you and that you are right for it.
Please read the sentence below out loud.

When a black person robs a white person, that’s technically not a


crime. It’s involuntary reparations.

Now, check one of the following.


This sentence makes me think:
a) Hmm, interesting.
b) Now that’s funny.
c) Jesus Christ!
d) This is why black people shouldn’t be allowed to read.
Better Than Crying

If you answered a) or b), good work! There is hope for you


yet. Keep reading, and enjoy the show. If, on the other hand,
you answered c) or d), please put the book down. Now, step
away slowly and continue to vote Republican.
Phew.
Now that we’ve gotten rid of those losers, hi! I’m Bara-
tunde. Welcome to my book.
Better than Crying is a collection of satirical news stories,
jokes, essays and other silliness created to tickle your funny
bone and assault your belief system. Most of the following
pages were selected from my email publication NewsPhlash: All
the News That’s Fit to Twist, which has existed in some form or
other since 1996.
You can subscribe to my NewsPhlash email list via my web-
site at www.baratunde.com.

Here are some final tidbits to help you through the next
100 pages or so:
1. The book consists primarily, but not exclusively, of let-
ters. These letters are often combined into words, which,
when strung together, form phrases and, occasionally,
sentences. It is these sentences which contain thoughts
and ideas meant to enter your brain.

2. The book is written in English. If you cannot read Eng-


lish, please put this book down now, as it is unlikely to
make much sense to you.

3. If you purchased this book with a credit card, you prob-


ably will regret it. Thanks to new anti-terror technolo-
gies, you can expect to be added to a list of un-American
Americans and visited by an official from the Office of
Fatherland Security. Sorry about that.

Sincerely,

Baratunde Rafiq Thurston

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Media-crity

Chapter 1:
Media-crity

NEWSPAPERS, RADIO, MAGAZINES AND television. They’re all full


of lies, and you can’t believe a word they say. Soon all these
outlets will be owned by a copyright-protected rodent or an
Australian, neither of whom seem to age. It will be called
something like “OmniMediaCom.” You’ll go to a special kiosk
and have information and entertainment messages trans-
ferred directly into your consciousness.
Until that day, you’ve got to deal with me.
I am a voracious consumer of media. In fact, my humor
writing crusade began out of frustration that my friends
didn’t follow the news. In high school, I would keep a single
earphone constantly tuned to NPR for those moments when
classes got too boring. And today, my best friend is my TiVo.
It’s the only thing that truly understands me.
This chapter takes a deep look at America’s shallow media
industry, from so-called “reality” TV to so-called “news” pro-
gramming.

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Better Than Crying

Fox Introduces Terrorist Series


11 SEPT. 2002 — Fox “We will interview engi-
News has announced it will neers, show blueprints and
be airing a new bi-daily se- test explosives to determine
ries dubbed Excuse Me Mr. just how vulnerable this
Terrorist, Have You Tried country is to terrorist attack,”
This Yet? said show host Brit Hume.
Each show will feature According to Fox News
five heretofore unfathomed spokesperson Iva Noe Mo-
potential terrorist assaults on rales, the show was created,
U.S. targets. The first show “to offer hope to the families
includes potential attacks of September 11th victims,
on the Hoover Dam, Times and show them that so much
Square and Denver’s Shady worse is possible.”
Creek High School.

Fox Announces
New White
House Show
28 FEB. 2001 — Executives
at Fox Television have decided
to launch a new television series
to rival The West Wing on NBC.
My So-Called Presidency will
chronicle the illegitimate presi-
dency of George W. Bush. The
season premiere is set to debut
on Malcolm X’s birthday for
“maximum minority offense.”

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Media-crity

NBC to Launch
Dateline Action Figures
28 FEB. 2001 — In an ef- around the world, will have
fort to maximize the impact the opportunity to manipu-
of a powerful brand name by late the news like their favor-
minimizing its respect in the ite heroes, Stone Phillips and
public eye, NBC News will Jane Pauley,” said NBC PR
be releasing action figures Whore and Vietnamese Divi-
based on its news magazine sion Head Shai Sti Phuc.
show, Dateline. “We have all wanted to see
“Now, every man woman Phillips and Pauley get it on.
and child in America, and Now we can!”

MTV Shoots New Reality Series


28 FEB. 2001 — Riding “From the condom’s
on the success of such hits as point-of-sale to the fallopian
The Real World, Making the tubes to the placenta, you’ll
Band, Making the Video and feel like you were being born
Making Mad Money, MTV again,” said Viacom head
has begun shooting its latest honcho and Latino Exploita-
soon-to-be-hit: Making the tion VP Enit Forda Dinero.
Baby.

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Better Than Crying

Actress Jennifer Aniston says her Hollywood heart-throb


husband Brad Pitt is a “goofball” who wants to have seven
children. Brad Pitt said Jennifer Aniston was a “skank” who
couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

The creators of Transformers, the human-like robots able to


change into a variety of objects, are planning a live-action
movie. The role of Megatron, head of the evil Decepticon
forces, will be played by Dick Cheney.

According to the New York Times, several drug makers


are claiming that their baby formulas can increase IQ and
improve eyesight. Unfortunately for the Times, they have yet
to produce a formula which can spot a fake news story.

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Media-crity

The Ten O’Clock News, A Remix


Originally published in The Harvard Crimson, May 4, 1999

Aired May 4, 1999 2200 ET


JIM JAMES, Welcome to the 10 o’clock news
WSEL ANCHOR: on WSEL, your number one net-
work for news you can use. I’m
Jim James.
At the top of our program we
bring you this late-breaking story
sponsored by Coors Light. It’s the
right beer now.

JANE LUSH, Thanks, Jim. This is Jane Lush


WSEL WAR reporting. I’m standing in what is
CORRESPONDENT: perhaps the most dangerous loca-
tion on the planet right now.
Many correspondents have set
up shop on the roof of Iraqi
military headquarters, a 200-story
X-shaped building made of neon
glow-in-the-dark playing cards.
Rumor has it that this building
is a U.S. bombing target, but
that hasn’t stopped us journalists
from making s’mores and drink-
ing Coors up here.
To date, much of the reporting
on Iraq has focused on the nega-
tive: weapons of mass destruction,
human rights violations and the
sad consequences of sanctions.
But there’s happy time in Iraq
too, especially when Coors Light
is involved.

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Better Than Crying

Take this group of drunken Iraqis


right here. These guys are happy
campers thanks to Coors.
This is Jane Lush. WSEL. Live
from Iraq.

JAMES: Thanks, Jane. You think you can


bring back one of those Persian
rugs? My wife really loves those.
[Laughs]
We now go to our weather report
sponsored by the National Associ-
ation of Umbrella Manufacturers.

YULA GREE, WSEL Thanks Jim, This is Yula Gree


WEATHER REPORTER: here with WSEL weather. I lost
my satellite image printouts,
but I’m willing to bet it will rain
tonight.
As a matter of fact, I did bet it
would rain. You might even say, if
it doesn’t rain, I’m a dead man.
I forecast rain tonight, tomorrow
and forever, so make sure to pack
your umbrellas, folks.
Back to you Jim.

JAMES: Merci Yula.


We now take you to our health
report, brought to you by Crest
toothpaste.
According to the newly released
report, Crest Rules!, Crest-users
have fulfilling relationships, hold
lucrative jobs and discover true

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Media-crity

happiness by age 30.


On the other hand, according to
the study, people who don’t use
Crest suffer from low self-esteem,
loneliness and eyeball cancer.
That’s all Jim. Back to you.

JAMES: You were wonderful last night,


Lesley. [Winks]
And now it’s time for the WSEL
tech report brought to you by
Microsoft. “If we don’t rule the
world, who will?”

SCOTT FREE, Howdy folks, I’m Scott Free, your


WSEL TECH WSEL tech guru.
CORRESPONDENT:
Since last week’s release of Win-
dows Two Billion, many people
have complained about the
exploding computer problem.
This is where PCs with Windows
Two Billion self-destruct upon
shutdown.
I’ve been covering technology for
a long time, and I can tell you that
there’s nothing to worry about.
It is standard in all new software
releases that there are going to
be some problems.
Microsoft says it’s aware of the
issue and will be selling body
armor on its Web site.
That’s all for your tech report.
Back to you Jim…

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Better Than Crying

JAMES: Sure thing Scott.


That was a fascinating story,
wasn’t it? Now let’s move on to
our government report, made
possible by the campaign finance
system.

KIM GRAFT, WSEL Kim Graft here reporting from


GOVERNMENT the pocket of the Bigger Business
CORRESPONDENT Bureau.
The government today issued a
warning to all Americans about
the dangers of voting and involve-
ment in local affairs.
Concurrently, officials announced
plans to build the new solid gold
Crest Coliseum in the Florida
Everglades.
The project will be financed by
sweatshop labor from orphanages.
The government also issued a
health report in conjunction with
Crest Corporation finding that
merely thinking about campaign
finance reform can cause your
teeth to fall out of your face.
This is Kim Graft. WSEL.

JAMES: Thanks, Kim.


Unfortunately, we must interrupt
this program for a commercial
break. But stay tuned for more
news you can use.

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Media-crity

Fox Keeps it Real


4 MARCH 2002 — The Good Pets Go Bad, Temp-
barrel of ideas fueling Fox tation Island, Temptation
TV’s programming deci- Island 2, World’s Scariest
sions is running so low that Police Chases, Police Videos
executives find themselves and The Chamber.
negotiating directly with the The network has repeat-
Prince of Darkness for rat- edly been criticized for air-
ings-boosting gimmicks. ing programs that celebrate
At least that’s what a pride, envy, gluttony, lust,
panel of media observers anger, greed and sloth.
determined at this weekend’s However, Fox claims that its
Boston-based seminar: What programming is consistent
the Hell is Fox Smoking?: An with the wishes of America’s
assessment of the moral de- founding fathers.
cline in American television “The Bill of Rights allows
entertainment. the American people to view
What prompted the panel’s what they want,” exclaimed
conclusion was Fox’s Friday Fox President and Australian
announcement of Celebrity Rupert Murdoch at a press
Boxing. conference this past Saturday.
Set to air Wednesday “And Fox plans on telling
March 13, the show will fea- them what that is and giving
ture a slugfest between figure it to them, no matter how
skating fiasco, Tonya Hard- inappropriate it may seem to
ing, and Paula Jones, an Ar- enemies of free expression.”
kansas woman who accused
Bill Clinton of unwanted At that same conference,
sexual advances in 1991. Fox revealed some of the
Fox has brought to Ameri- fights it has on tap including:
can TV screens such enlight- George W. Bush vs. Al Gore (re-
ening and public interest pro- match); Biggie Smalls vs. Tupac
gramming as Who Wants to Shakur; Nat Turner vs. Joseph
Marry a Multi-Millionaire?, Travis (rematch); Bugs Bunny
When Animals Attack, When vs. The Roadrunner; Jesus vs.

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Better Than Crying

Mohammed; David vs. Goliath When Cops Attack


(rematch); Snoopy vs. Marmad- Rodney King was nothing
uke; Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva compared to the brutality cap-
vs. Father, Son, and the Holy tured by When Cops Attack.
Ghost (Tag Team) Hosted by former LAPD of-
ficer Lawrence Powell, WCA
Dates for the proposed takes you inside the corrupt
bouts have not yet been set; and bloody world of law
however, Fox did surprise enforcement. You’ll see what
conference attendees when drives all cops – city, state,
it unveiled three of its shows university and Wal-Mart – to
set to air next season: use excessive force. After
watching, you’ll want to find
The Sound Booth your own way to violate the
Modeled after the wildly civil rights of others.
successful quiz show The
Chamber, The Sound Booth Plantation Island
adds a few twists. Contes- Ten African-American
tants are required to answer families will be transported
a series of questions while to a cotton plantation on an
being forced to listen to in- island off the coast of South-
creasingly bad music. The ern Virginia. There, they will
questions are designed to be undergo a rigorous test of
paradoxical, with no correct their strength, character and
answers possible. Examples resilience. Deprived of basic
include: “What date was comforts, separated from
George W. Bush elected each other, and forced to har-
president?” or “What is the vest the “white gold,” only
best song on O-Town’s debut one of the contestants will
album?” The easier questions walk away with the grand
are set to tracks from Brit- prize: freedom.
ney Spears, while advanced
levels subject contestants to
surround sound amplification
of Celine Dion and Enya.

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Media-crity

MTV refused to air a rap video whose lyrics demanded the


release of Mumia Abu Jamal from prison. The artist was Pub-
lic Enemy. The song was called Give The Peeps What They Need.
Apparently what the “peeps” needed was MTV’s number one
video whose lyrics celebrate the right of a drunken rapper to
drive over his female fans with his tour bus because they find
him sexually attractive and financially well-off. The artist:
Ludacris. The song: Move Bitch Get Out The Way.

The world’s five largest music companies and the three


largest music retailers will pay $143 million to settle a CD price
fixing case. The suit alleged that the defendants artificially
inflated the price of CDs between 1995 and 2000, violating
federal and state anti-trust laws. In related news: KaZaA.

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Better Than Crying

Is 911 a Joke
in Your Town?
17 OCT. 2001 — Following
September 11, the U.S. televi-
sion media offered up several
catchy titles to help citizens
understand and deal with the
tragedy:
Attack on America
America Under Attack
America Attacked by Attackers
America Kicked in the Nuts
After the Attack
America Rising
America United
America Getting a Hard On
America’s New War
America Strikes Back
America’s Can of Whoop-Ass
America’s Long Schlong
America Gets Ill
America: That’s My Dawg
America vs. The Brown People
Good vs. Evil
Anthrax Scare
Anthrax Threat
Threat of Anthrax
Everyone Has Anthrax
Anthrax is Going to Get You
Don’t Have Anthrax? You Will!
Now that’s what I call pen-
etrating news coverage!

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Media-crity

Researchers Discover
Bullets Kill Mice
Suggest Possible Implications for Humans
14 MAY 2002 — Re- The study could have far-
searchers at Harvard Medical reaching implications for hu-
School have discovered that, mans and the ways in which
when exposed to high-veloc- they interact with bullets, but
ity bullets, mice end up dead researchers avoided drawing
or severely injured. any direct conclusions from
The report, which appears their study.
in the latest issue of Science, “We’d like to stress that
could have drastic implica- as of now, we have only
tions for humans. performed the tests on mice,
The study found that seri- which we all know differ
ous injury was likely only significantly from humans in
when bullets interacted with physiological and other di-
mice at extremely high ve- mensions,” commented Dr.
locities. Syte.
“Our lab results indicate The government-funded
that merely throwing bullets research group has plans to
at mice was more likely to run phase two of the test, hu-
result in fear and annoyance man trials, in South Central
rather than death,” wrote Los Angeles, the South Side
head researcher, Dr. Noah of Chicago and Southeast
N. Syte. Washington, D.C. as soon as
“We had to use firearms to possible.
really jumpstart the reaction.”

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Better Than Crying

New Study Attacks Studies


31 MARCH 2002 — Peo- said Michigan University’s
ple who listen to reports of Jura Gana Dyovic.
research study findings are Dyovic presented a list of
more likely to suffer from recent studies he considers
poor eyesight, hypochondria the most dangerous and non-
and lack of independent insightful including:
thought, a new study says.
The study, released by the • Plastic not yet safe for
University of Michigan’s Na- young children to ingest
tional Institute of Research
• All-Big-Mac diet fails to
Studies, warns that over-
stimulate weight loss
exposure to study results is
having a detrimental effect • Owners of large SUVs
on society. possess significantly smaller
“We found that adults testicles than average drivers
who listened to news re- and are more likely to experi-
ports of ’the latest study’ ence high blood pressure
are more likely to offer un-
solicited medical advice to • Whites with black friends
family members and live in more comfortable making
general fear of the world,” racial generalizations

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Media-crity

A wild boar wrecked a German couple’s nap when it broke into


their house, leapt into bed with them, nipped the man and
fled. Bad Boy Records is reportedly in talks with the boar to
ink a recording contract.

The Supreme Court has ruled that states can post pictures of
child sex offenders on websites. The Court pointed to www.r-
kelly.com as a precedent.

A British animal rights group said on Friday it had uncovered


“horrific” experiments being carried out on hundreds of mon-
keys at Cambridge University as part of medical research into
brain diseases. Hoping to determine monkeys’ capacity for
monotony, researcher subjected them to seven continuous days
of Kylie Minogue’s, Can’t Get You Out of My Head.

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Better Than Crying

MTV “Cribs”Needs
Diapers for O-Town
21 JAN. 2002 — How many of you have watched MTV’s
Cribs, a show in which the possessions, status and wealth of
entertainers are flaunted before the economically disenfran-
chised masses like an Enron executive’s summer home before
former employees’ worthless stock option certificates? I know
I have.
Few things make me feel better than the chance to watch
a group of pseudo-talented yahoos prance around a mansion
that everyone in the world knows belongs to their label...
except them.
For those who may not watch TRL, or ABC, or listen to pop-
ular radio, good for you, but you may have missed a chance to
understand exactly what O-Town is. As most Americans with
the ability to interpret aural input as meaningful sound know,
the music industry is in a state of advanced decay. The three
Bs — “Boy Bands and Britney” — capture the hearts and
minds of our nation’s youth, reducing them to a state some-
where between cottage cheese and skunky beer.
This decaying trend has been underway for some time,
but in silence. There has been an unspoken agreement that
“They” will find, release and market “crappy music” while
“We” will tolerate, listen to and buy it. In such an equilibrium
has the world existed for at least 20 years (since the release
of Kenny G’s self titled album in 1982). For 20 years, though,
“They” at least maintained that their “artists” were “real musi-
cians” with “talent.” Have I used enough “quotation marks?”
However, 2000 witnessed an escalation of tension as well
as audacity in the record label-drone relationship. During
this year, all pretenses were abandoned as MTV and NSync/
Backstreet creator Lou Pearlman launched Making the Band.
This was a reality TV show in which O-Town was literally
manufactured from crap. After screening piles of poop from
all 50 states, Pearlman found a magic combination in the five
members of O-Town. With this show, the music industry basi-
cally took off its gloves and said to us:

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Media-crity

“Dear revenue sources, we know what you want. You want


meaningless lyrics. You want synthesized instruments. You
want overproduced beats. You want over-marketed sensation.
In short, you want what we tell you to want.”
Gone were the obligatory comments about “hard work”
and “talent,” replaced instead by a frightening level of honesty
which revealed the oft-cited “man” as just that, some fat dude
with clout making people famous and himself rich. The sad
thing is that it worked. People bought it, literally. O-Town’s
debut single, Liquid Dreams, was a song about wet dreams
which topped the singles charts. The group’s self-titled album
hit the Billboard 200 at #5 and lasted over 45 weeks on the
chart despite conclusive studies linking its contents to cattle
mutilations and the death of joy.
Now the little punks and their mansion have been featured
on Cribs, a show on the same network that created them. So
now you know who O-Town is. After the group’s fascinating
showing on MTV, we at NewsPhlash decided to pay our own
visit to the famous five for our new show Cradles. Let’s see how
things went down.

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“Cradles” – A Transcript
EXT. OUTSIDE THE O-TOWN MANSION

We zoom in on a large, beige, California-


style mansion with four-car garage, full
basketball court and double wooden doors.
Opening the doors from the inside we see
TREVOR PENICK of O-TOWN, the latest sad entry
into the increasingly talent-bankrupt ledger
of boy bands.

Trevor is black, which allows him to function


as the group’s implicit ghetto pass while
being light-skinned enough not to threaten
the mass market demographic.

TREVOR
Yo yo yo, it’s MTV.

NPTV
Actually, we’re with NPTV. It’s a new
network.

TREVOR
Awww, word? Well, we’re a new band made
up entirely of vocalists! Wanna tour?

INT. FOYER OF THE MANSION

Group member ERIK MICHAEL ESTRADA lounges


on the stairs eating a burrito and holding a
copy of Guerilla Warfare by Che Guevara. The
book is upside down.

Erik speaks with a strong Puerto Rican


accent though his mother is Italian, and
he was raised in New York. Erik fulfills

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Media-crity

the necessary “not black, not white” racial


quotient of the 21st Century Boy Band.

As an alleged Latino, he actually covers the


entire “other” racial category of the U.S.
Census. He is often given to fits of speaking
in Spanish, which the other group members
ignore.

ERIK
Hola. Que pasa, ese? Is this, like,
another TV show touring our house,
homes? Yo man, let’s make this shit
quick cause I got this morena en mi
sala knowhatI’msayin?

Erik directs the film crew upstairs to his


“barrio.”

INT. ERIK’S ROOM

The room appears too orderly for a 22 year


old male, especially for this one who looks
15. His desk features the latest copy of the
book What’s Happening to My Body? while the
most prominent item is clearly the full wall
mural of an American flag behind the bed.

ERIK
So, I was like, “Yo painters. Hermanos.
I need a big ass American flag on my
wall! I don’t care what it costs yo!
Just do that shit, man. Do that shit.”

CUT TO: SEPTEMBER 12, 2001

INT. J RECORDS HEADQUARTERS - OFFICE OF CLIVE


DAVIS

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Better Than Crying

Clive is the legendary industry figure who


signed O-Town. Clive is having a strategy
meeting with some of his key advisors on
how to react to the terrorist attacks of the
previous day.

DAVIS
We’re gonna need up-to-the-minute
patriotism angles after this World
Trade Center shit. What can we use?

LACKEY #1
We could re-title Busta Rhymes’s latest
single Break Ya Arab Neck?

DAVIS
You’re fired.

LACKEY #2
How about O-Town? They’re pretty
multicultural looking in a Benetton
sort of way. Maybe they could symbolize
racial harmony or something?

DAVIS
I like where this is going. Isn’t there
a Mexican in that group named Enrique
or something?

LACKEY #2
Erik. And he’s more Italian than
Mexican, but—

DAVIS
Whatever. Get the little Chicano to
have a huge flag in his bedroom. We own
the goddamned house don’t we? Hell,
paint the house red, white and blue.

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Media-crity

Paint the Spanish kid red, white and


blue. Whatever it takes.

CUT BACK TO: PRESENT DAY

INT. O-TOWN MANSION. ERIK’S BEDROOM

ERIK
Yeah, I just love everything that flag
stands for –- like freedom and peace
and stuff.

Heading toward the bed, we see a large,


adult-sized crib, above which twirl small
models of the Pentagon, a piñata, an “I LUV
NY” heart...

ERIK
And this, this is where the magic
happens. All the ladies know what I’m
talking about. You ready to check out
Trevor’s room? He’s just down the hall.

INT. TREVOR’S ROOM

Posters of Magic Johnson and Tiger Woods


grace the walls. Trevor is clearly into
sports figures. His desk features a solid gold
sculpture of a partially eaten watermelon
and fried chicken drumstick. Like Erik’s,
Trevor’s room is too neat to be natural.

TREVOR
Yo, NPTV in the muphuckin’ hizouse! Yo
this is my pad up in here, up in here.
As you can see, I love basketball. It’s
my favorite sport. You dribble the ball
up and down the court.

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Better Than Crying

NPTV
That’s nice. You understand basketball.

TREVOR
Hells yeah. I was born and raised a
Lakers fan. I love golf too. Tiger is
my Negro. Yo, check this.

Trevor gestures toward his bed.

TREVOR
This is where the magic happens.

NPTV
Word?

TREVOR
To ya mutha! You ready to check out the
white boys’ rooms?

INT. HALLWAY

We head toward the next bedroom where DAN


waits. Dan is the eldest member of the
“band.” At 45 years old, and with a rumored
two kids and a wife, he acts as the role
model for the younger members.

INT. DAN’S ROOM

Dan’s tastes are all Hip Hop and R&B. In the


background, Jay-Z is waxing ineloquent about
Girls, Girls, Girls while Joe’s glistening
body graces the wall above Dan’s bed.

DAN
Yo, NPTV in the muphuckin’ hizouse! Yo
this is my pad up in here, up in here.
As you can see, I love basketball. It’s

36
Media-crity

my favorite sport. You dribble the ball


up and down the court.

NPTV
I think those are Trevor’s lines.

DAN
Huh? But my contract say— I mean, I
love basketball too. What, only black
guys can love ball now? Yo whatever. I
love all the old school R&B shit. Like
Usher and Jill Scott and Fat Boy Sl—
Um, the FAT BOYS!

NPTV
I doubt Usher would consider himself
“old school.”

DAN
Yo word. True. But fa-real.

Dan gestures toward his bed.

DAN
This is where the magic happens? Enough
about my crib. You should see Ashley’s
spot.

INT. ASHLEY’S ROOM

ASHLEY is the heart-throb member of the group


— the Justin Timberlake, if you will. While
Erik (the almost-Latino) provides enough
sexual preference and ethnic ambiguity to
keep the group looking diverse, Ashley is the
tender white man designed for tender white
women.

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Better Than Crying

He comes complete with a sense of heart throb


duties and features including but not limited
to: blond hair, blue eyes, charm and a soft
voice.

He often speaks affectionately about


“the guys” as if he feels some sort of
responsibility for them.

Ashley has also been charged with extending


(some might say creating) artistic
credibility for the group by talking up their
“writing.”

His room is, of course, decorated with the


only reasonable symbol for the man who has
it all and the responsibility to keep it
together: Superman insignia.

ASHLEY
Ever since I was a kid I’ve loved
Superman. Call me a sensitive, caring
angel from above, but there’s still a
cute little boy behind this cute little
boy face that loves the idea of a hero.
That’s what me and the guys try to be
for our fans: heroes.

NPTV
Okay, I’ll play along. This is supposed
to be a tour of the house J Records
uses to hold you, but I see you want to
discuss substantive things so go ahead.
You’re a big boy now. You’re on TV. How
do you think you’re a “hero?”

ASHLEY
Well, um, yeah. I was just saying that
me and the guys. We like to write? I

38
Media-crity

mean, and people don’t see that you


know?

NPTV
Do you think they don’t see it because
your label won’t release such cr—-
nevermind. That’s a low blow. Tell me
about your bed. It looks interesting.

ASHLEY
Oh, that. Well that’s where the magic
happens.

NPTV
Of course it is. Good boy. Good Ashley.
Can I see Jacob’s room?

INT. JACOB’S ROOM

JACOB, the fifth member, is the group’s rebel


without a cause, except that his cause is
quite clearly defined: the making of money. So
revolutionary. So worthy. So noble.

Jacob is like Ashley’s alter ego: also white,


but with a decidedly rugged individualist
sort of attitude. He has dread locks, but
does not try to talk Ebonics.

His room is actually in the guest house,


symbolizing his need to be “away” from “the
guys.” It also may symbolize their need to
avoid his “lice.”

With his walls adorned by the guitars he


collects with Clive Davis’s money, we are
supposed to understand that this man is not
merely a pretty face with a focus-group-

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Better Than Crying

approved winning smile. No, this man is


different. Jacob is... shhh, an artist.

JACOB
Let me tell you a story. When we moved
into this house, all the guys drew
straws for the master bedroom, except
one. Me.

Jacob Underwood is a loner, a drifter,


a nomadic hunter-gatherer. But “the
bush” for me is no African desert. No.
My bush is the entire art form commonly
referred to as music.

NPTV
I see.

JACOB
I’ve been playing piano since
conception. My mother shoved a
microscopic piano into her uterus for
me to practice on so I wouldn’t waste
time. I’ve been to Julliard as well
as the Empire State Building AND the
Washington Monument. How many people
can say that?

NPTV
Not many, other than a few million
tourists.

Jacob gesturing toward the bed…

JACOB
Oh, and this is where the magic
happens.

40
Media-crity

VOICEOVER
Thank you for tuning in to another
episode of NPTV’s CRADLES where we
take a look inside the immature,
prepubescent world of popular music.

Next time on CRADLES: Crawfish, gumbo,


chitlins, collard greens and hip hop.
All dirty. All South. All this and more
is on the menu at Master P’s latest
venture: Toofy’s Diner. We’ll stop by
Toofy’s and see if there’s really no
limit to the bastardization of hip hop
culture. See you next week!

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Better Than Crying

According to a recent survey, mothers are more likely than


fathers to care for sick children at the expense of their careers.
The reason? Men are bastards.

Canadian researchers have concluded that neither men nor


women are inherently better at finding unknown destinations,
but instead, approach the problem differently. Researchers
confirmed, however, that in cases where there is a disagree-
ment between men and women, women are always right.

42
Media-crity

Olympic Profiles in Courage


17 FEB. 2002 — After viewing NPTV’s spectacular enter-
tainment program Cradles, which featured never-before-seen
footage of the rising boy band O-Town, the networks have
invited us to cover this year’s Olympic Games. Rather than
provide video coverage of events, sports analysis and other
boring things you don’t care to see, NPTV has decided to be
truly original and bring you some of the amazing life stories
of the individuals participating in the Games. It’s a little some-
thing we like to call God Himself Couldn’t Have Written This. So
sit back, relax and enjoy the impossible.
Name: Yevgeny Krispykremakov
Birthplace: Somewhere in the Himalayas
Events: Men’s Super-G Downhill, Men’s Slalom, Men’s
Ski Jump
Yevgeny Krispykremakov is not your average world class
athlete, but that’s part of what makes him one of the best. You
see, Yevgeny was raised by a pack of wild wolves in the Himala-
yan Mountains. For the first 10 years of his life, “Krispy” as his
wolf family calls him, had no human contact. He hunted with
the wolves, slept with the wolves and yes, he even danced with
the wolves. There’s a rumor floating around Chechnya that
Krispy even sired a litter of wolfmen during his crazier days.
It was this wolf life, walking around on all fours, which gave
Krispy his low center of gravity and made him the envy of the
competitive downhill skiing world.
On his 11th birthday, Krispy could no longer be satisfied
living on the lamb, so to speak. After his adoptive father and
uncle were poached by fur traders, Krispy decided that he
would leave the pack behind and search for his real, human,
parents. In order to keep up with his wolf family on hunts,
Krispy had devised a primitive form of what we in the civilized
world call skis. And it was on these “skis” that Krispy set out on
June 3, 1905.
For 80 years Krispy skied from mountain to mountain in
search of his roots. He evaded many a hunter who sought the
legendary wolf-man. He survived the concentration camps at
Auschwitz as well as both atomic bombs in Nagasaki and Hiro-

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Better Than Crying

shima. When he wasn’t enduring the worst suffering inflicted


by man this century, Krispy was busy clearing mine fields in
half a dozen war-torn countries around the world.
Then, on June 3, 1985, exactly 80 years after he began his
search, Krispy was discovered by famed Russian wrestling and
downhill ski instructor Boris Adonikov. Although Adonikov
was not Krispy’s father, the Russian treated the aged wolf man
as if he were a long lost son. The then-120 year old Adonikov
took Krispy under his wing and taught him everything he
knew or didn’t know about skiing and wrestling. Krispy was
soon winning every major skiing and wrestling competition
he entered. He was named Athlete of the Century by Sports
Illustrated and even considered moving to the States to play
professional basketball. Krispy was destined for the top. But
God, it seems, had other plans.
On December 13, 1987, as he and father-figure Adonikov
were rescuing abandoned wolf-pups from a frozen-over Lake
Ladoga, tragedy struck. A group of American exchange stu-
dents, heavily intoxicated with Smirnoff Ice, killed Adonikov
with an intercontinental ballistic missile – an intercontinental
ballistic missile intended for Krispykremakov.
Wracked by guilt, shame, sorrow, loss, fatigue, despair and
diarrhea, Yevgeny Krispykremakov vowed never to ski again.
He sold his skis and moved out of his cardboard box under the
Blue Bridge in St. Petersburg. His neighbors were crushed.
Neighbor Idonna Givadamavic:
“I can’t really say I miss him. He was this smelly old man
who howled a lot. He did try to sell me some skis once, but I
declined when I realized they were just meter sticks he had sto-
len from the local grade school and glued together. I reported
him to the police. I hope he got help.”
But help was nowhere near Krispy’s postal code. He spent
his days crying and his nights crying even louder. When he
wasn’t crying, he was drinking or whoring himself for a few
kopeks at the local mine. Yevgeny Krispykremakov was living
in Hell.
What Kremakov didn’t know, and what defies all credibil-
ity, plausibility and possibility is that Hell was just warming
up. The mid-1980s was not a good time to be a geriatric wolf-

44
Media-crity

man from the Himalayas, and Krispy soon discovered that his
fellow humans were none too happy about his existence. As
he crawled toward the homeless shelter from another lonely
night turning tricks, a group of drunken American exchange
students shot Yevgeny in the leg... with none other than an
intercontinental ballistic missile – the same intercontinental
ballistic missile that killed Coach and Almost-Father Adoni-
kov. Fate had stabbed Krispy in the back with a rusted knife
and twisted it.
Because of a loophole in his healthcare policy, Krispykre-
makov’s HMO denied him the reconstructive bionic surgery
he needed to repair his leg. Left with nowhere to turn for
medical assistance, Krispy amputated his own infected right
leg... at the hip... with a Swiss army knife.
At 100 years old, with no family, no skis and only one leg,
Yevgeny Krispykremakov had given up on life, but fortunately
for the world of international downhill skiing, life had not
given up on Yevgeny.
One Tuesday evening in January 1991, as Krispykremakov
was wallowing in his own waste, a newborn baby drifted down
the sewage canal where he lay. Krispy could not allow this
innocent baby to die. On that day, he resolved to raise this
baby boy, to be a father to this child that he himself had always
wanted. He named the child Alexei Bornin Crapakov, which
in English, roughly translates to “Alexei born in feces.”
Little Crapakov became Yevgeny’s new raison-d’etre. He
cut way back on the drinking and the whoring, turning his
attention instead to improving the plight of children world-
wide born in sewage canals. He founded the world renowned
Center for Children Born in Human Waste, and has dedicated
99 percent of his energy toward making it a success. With the
other one percent of his energy, Yevgeny learned to ski again
in order to honor the life of Boris Adonikov. For the past
eleven years, Yevgeny, inspired by little Crapakov, has prac-
ticed his unique one-legged skiing in the Caucus Mountains.
He returns today a changed man. Ninety-seven years after
leaving the wolf pack, Yevgeny Krispykremakov aims for the
gold in Salt Lake City.
God himself couldn’t have written this.

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Better Than Crying

46
Foreign Objects

Chapter 2:
Foreign Objects

IT’S ME AGAIN. I’M GLAD TO SEE YOU HAVEN’T BURIED this book yet.
I’ll now turn my attention outward. Believe it or not, there are
places beyond the borders of United States of America where
actual people live. These places are called “countries,” and
they have strange names like “East Timor” and “India” and
“Alabama.”
They also have strange customs and not a few of them
believe in the concept of sovereignty and self-determination.
To this I say: whatever.
I have been to four of these “countries” in my life. I traveled
to Los Mochis, Mexico by train and dined on Chinese food. I
visited Dakar, Senegal, where I also found Chinese food. For
one week, I frolicked in Paris, France and had the occasion
to consume you-know-what: Chinese food. Even in Montreal,
Canada, I could not escape the Chinese food.
If you ask me, we need to spend less time focusing on Iraq,
and point our guns toward China. While you wait for the U.S.
Defense Department to catch up to my thinking, let’s take a
look at some other interesting areas of the world.

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Better Than Crying

Pakistani Presi-General Pervez Musharraf imposed 29 consti-


tutional amendments that expand his control of the country
he took over in a 1999 coup. Opposition leaders have assailed
the move and vowed to fight, unaware that one of the amend-
ments outlaws opposition.

Russia and Georgia have agreed to set up joint patrols on their


common border, after months of mounting tension over rebel
activity in the area. The two nations decided on the border
strategy after seeing how well the policy has worked for India
and Pakistan in the disputed Kashmir region.

The Vatican has drafted a policy that could ban gays from the
priesthood. In response, homosexuals have drafted a policy
that could ban priests from the gayhood.

Lawmakers have dissolved the troubled Balkan federation


of Yugoslavia and created a new troubled Balkan federation
named Serbia-Montenegro.

48
Foreign Objects

General Wiranto to
Release Love Song CD
23 OCT. 2000 — What track set on his debut album,
do you do if you are a war For You My Indonesia. He is
criminal, responsible for the raising money for conflict
deaths of hundreds, having victims around the country.
nearly destroyed the hope “I sing my song. I get the
of democracy in your coun- profit. I give this profit to
try? Obviously, you record refugees,” said the general.
a CD of love songs, throw The general seems to have
an extravagant release party struck a chord with murder-
and vow to give the profits to ous militiamen across the
refugees. globe. He is reportedly in
Such is the case in East talks with Slobodan Milos-
Timor which nearly descend- evic to record the former
ed into complete chaos last president’s album, tentatively
year after a U.N.-brokered titled To All the Serbs I Loved
vote for independence trig- Before (Those Goddamned
gered a military rampage. Albanian Whores Arrived and
General Wiranto, the mili- Needed to be Purged in Order
tary chief responsible for the to Cleanse our Tainted Blood
violence, has recorded a 10- and Make it Pure Again).

49
Better Than Crying

Scientists have found that almost all euro banknotes circulat-


ing in Germany contain traces of cocaine. This explains the
increase in reports of Germans who attempt to freebase the
new currency.

An Australian teenager who went missing in 1998 and was


declared murdered by a serial killer turned up alive yesterday,
having spent five years hiding out in her boyfriend’s house.
When her father was asked how he felt to have his daughter
back, he said, “I’m gonna kill her.”

Italian mayor Marta Casiraghi has advised wives upset at their


husbands’ wandering eyes to get sexier. The mayor explained,
“I’d advise the wives to play their rival at her own game: make
themselves more beautiful.” Men worldwide have started a
campaign to elect Casiraghi president of the Earth.

After three simultaneous attacks on foreign compounds in


Saudi Arabia, the government there acknowledged that secu-
rity gaps remain. When asked how large those gaps were, a
Saudi minister responded, “About the size of Saudi Arabia.”

50
Foreign Objects

Israeli Rocket Attack


Accidentally Kills German
17 NOV. 2000 — In the “The last thing we want
seventh week of the 40th to do is harm Germans,” said
year of Arab-Israeli conflict, Israeli spokesperson Aik’l
the number of dead Palestin- Hermonz.
ians hovers near 230, and “We are specifically target-
just this morning, in another ing Palestinian rock-throwers
rocket attack, the Israelis with our missile attacks and
killed a German resident of regret any harm done to
the West Bank. the German people, against
Israeli officials were quick whom we bear no grudge.”
to deny any intention in kill-
ing the German.

Saudi Arabia has denied that a car bomb, which killed


a German citizen in the capital, was a terrorist act. The
kingdom’s intelligence chief blamed the attack on “ille-
gal traders” and insisted that foreigners were safe from
terror attacks. In related news, “Al-Qaeda” has officially
changed its name to “illegal traders.”

51
Better Than Crying

Indonesia’s defense minister blamed Al-Qaeda for the mas-


sive bomb attack that killed more than 180 people at a Bali
nightclub. The U.S. has vowed to help investigators prove that
Saddam Hussein was responsible.

U.S. intelligence officials believe that four nations have hidden


supplies of the smallpox virus. At the same time 190 nations
believe the U.S. has hidden supplies of everything else.

After Cuba was re-elected to the UN human rights body, the


U.S. said it was like “putting Al Capone in charge of bank secu-
rity” or John Poindexter in charge of citizen information or
John Ashcroft in charge of defending the Constitution: simply
insane.

As part of his War on Terror, George W. Bush has demanded


that European leaders cut off all funding to Hamas. In
response, several leaders have demanded Bush cut funding to
the CIA, Defense Department and his re-election campaign.

52
Foreign Objects

Good Country,
Bad Country
3 FEB. 2002 — Rather cast the world in terms of
than maintaining any modi- good and evil.
cum of tact, diplomacy or Some have argued that the
class, Commander in Thief president has let this praise
G. W. Bush this week labeled get to his head.
Iran, Iraq and North Korea an “He is a fool. A simple,
“axis of evil” and warned the drunken fool,” said respected
world that America was com- revolutionaire Rafiq Jones,
ing to get them. Jr. “He’s like a little rhesus
“I’m comin’ to get ya. I’m monkey hyped up on smack
comin’ to get ya. Spittin’ out let loose with a whole nation
lyrics, homey I’m wit ya,” to run.”
rhymed fake-president Bush. Whether or not the Texas
Bush’s comments, made rancher has engaged in il-
during his first State of the licit drug use, he certainly put
Union Address, have caused many in the U.S. and abroad
quite a stir internationally on alert with his statements.
with U.S. allies asking out- National Security Advisor
right, “Did your entire coun- Condoleezza Rice sought to
try lose a bet.” address concerns that Bush
Since the terrorist attacks had effectively declared war
on the Pentagon and the on three nations.
World Trade Center last fall, “I think what’s important
Resident Bush has enjoyed to note is that not once during
undeserved praise for his his speech did the president
post-September 11th actions openly butcher the national
as he has increasingly has language,” said Rice.

53
Better Than Crying

The Canadian government official who referred to George W.


Bush as a “moron” resigned yesterday. Bush offered his condo-
lences to the state of Canadia.

After agreeing to UN inspections, Iraq must meet more Bush


administration demands in order to avoid further military
action. The latest condition calls for Saddam Hussein to strip
down to his boxers and eat a pork hotdog, while hopping on
one leg and singing God Bless America.

U.S. forces are staging war games in Qatar dubbed “Opera-


tion: Internal Look.” The purpose: to test a command center
that could direct an eventual conflict in Iraq. After the simula-
tion, the U.S. plans to launch “Operation: Sucker Punch.” The
purpose: to launch an attack on Iraq while pretending to read
the country’s 12,000 page arms declaration.

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said yesterday that firing by


Iraqi forces at U.S. and British war planes in the “no-fly” zone
did not breach a new UN resolution. The U.S. then informed
Annan that Saddam Hussein called his mother a “ho.” Annan
is reviewing the evidence.

54
Foreign Objects

White House Insists Arafat


“Do More” from Pile of Rubble
31 MARCH 2002 — White Texas is really disappointed
House Occupant George W. in Mr. Arafat. We understand
Bush today urged Palestinian that he has only about five
Leader Yasser Arafat to do guards left, but he should
more to control terror attacks use those guards to smoke
against Israelis, even with out Hamas and other terrorist
the limited mobility offered groups,” Bush added.
by recent Israeli attacks on “If Will Smith and Jeff
Arafat’s headquarters. Goldblum could save the
“Listen. He needs to freak- entire planet from alien de-
he needs to speak out. I know struction on the 4th of July,
they had a- a radio station surely Chairman Arafat can
was destroyed, but when I do more.”
was a kid in Texas, we played Baby Bush also called for
’telephone’; he could do that, increased participation in the
one Palestinian at a time” peace process from neigh-
suggested the child-king. boring Arab states including
“The United States- my Iran, Syria, Babylon, Nubia
daddy is- I am- look now, and Mesopotamia.

55
Better Than Crying

The Bush administration has promised that humanitarian aid


will flow swiftly into Southern Iraq. To speed up the process,
the military will be strapping food and clean water to the sides
of Tomahawk cruise missiles.

Russia complained to the U.S. that the bombing in Iraq has


come dangerously close to Russia’s Baghdad embassy. Moscow
said that the bombing is making it much more difficult to sell
weapons to Saddam Hussein.

U.S. Vice President Tony Blair insisted that Iraq be governed


by Iraqis after the war. He added, “And by Iraqis, I mean Hal-
liburton.”

U.S. military officials announced that they have yet to find


any banned weapons in Iraq. A military spokesperson prom-
ised to locate the weapons just as soon as he had a chance to
plant them.

56
Foreign Objects

Alabamans Repeal Ban


on Interracial Marriage
Law Overturned by Whopping 60 Percent!
17 NOV. 2000 — In a when the Supreme Court
strong show of the new en- struck down state laws for-
lightened South, the good bidding interracial marriages,
citizens of Alabama have many saw this as a symbolic
voted to remove the misce- vote declaring that Alabama
genation law from the state had changed.
constitution. Sixty percent of voters
Section 102 had read: wanted to have the law re-
“The legislature shall never moved, proving once and for
pass any law to authorize all that Alabamans are be-
or legalize any marriage be- yond the race issue. We can
tween any white person and all feel comfortable walking
a Negro, or a descendant of the roads of Alabama now
a Negro.” that only forty percent think
Although the law has been it should be illegal for whites
unenforceable since 1967, and blacks to marry.

57
Better Than Crying

The U.S. military moved to strip Baghdad’s self-appointed


administrator of his authority and warned factions not to take
advantage of the confusion and political void by trying to grab
power. It’s too bad we didn’t have this “military” during the
2000 presidential election.

In response to a Palestinian rocket attack, Israel has divided


the Gaza Strip into three separate security zones and restricted
Palestinian travel to only allow bowel movements.

Hamas leader Abdel-Aziz al-Rantissi survived a seven-missile


Israeli helicopter attack aimed at his car in the Gaza Strip.
After escaping with only shrapnel wounds, al-Rantissi said,
“Who are the chosen people now, biatch?”

58
Domestic Violence

CHAPTER 3:
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

A H, FINALLY WE GET TO A DISCUSSION OF A MERICA HERSELF. There is


so much to love here – from the amber waves of grain to the
fruited plains (mmmm, fruited) to our obsession with celeb-
rity shoplifters. We are indeed a great nation.
The democratic experiment is going exactly according to
plan. In 1864, 1% of the wealth in this country lay in the hands
of African-Americans. Nearly 140 years later, that figure is
basically unchanged. Americans watch four hours of televi-
sion each day, and of those eligible to vote in presidential elec-
tions, only half choose to do so. Yes, progress indeed.
Oh, and how could I forget: Dubya. Growing up, we were
all told that anyone could grow up to be president. This guy
proves it.
Please, just read the chapter, before it becomes illegal.

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Better Than Crying

According to a recent study, two-thirds of Americans believe


that George W. Bush is doing a great job running the country.
The other one-third can read.

The White House and Congress are considering a short term


$100 million tax cut. The nation’s wealthiest Americans have
not yet decided how they will use the money.

The U.S. Congress has decided to call French fries “freedom


fries” in the Capitol cafeteria. In response, certain French eat-
eries are calling American cheese “Imperial cheese.”

Federal officials announced they were beginning a two-year,


$23 million investigation into how and why the twin towers
and a third skyscraper collapsed in raging fires on September
11. The same officials also announced the opening of a three-
year, $34 million investigation into how one becomes a federal
official.

60
Domestic Violence

An Interview with John Ashcroft


30 Oct. 2001 — NewsPhlash has pulled some serious gub-
ment strings to bring you the following exclusive interview
with Attorney General John Ashcroft.
The AG has been in the headlines a lot lately, particularly
over his warnings to the American public about possible ter-
rorist attacks. In his interview with NP, Ashcroft discusses the
potential terrorist threats and the recent passage of the USA
Patriot Act by both houses of Congress.

NP: Attorney General Ashcroft. Thank you very much for tak-
ing time out of your busy schedule undermining the Constitu-
tion to talk with us here at NewsPhlash.
AG: Not a problem Bartholomew-

NP: It’s Baratunde.


AG: Oh I apologize, Barrington

NP: Baratunde.
AG: Certainly, Bart .

NP: Ba-ra-tun-de.
AG: Sure, Kunta. The point is that I welcome the opportu-
nity to speak with the press so the American people can stay
informed.

NP: Well I’m glad you brought that up OG Ashcroft. In recent


weeks you’ve been on national television twice with warnings
about “possible terrorist attacks somewhere in the U.S.”
What’s the deal?
AG: The FBI has received credible information on a potential
threat, and we thought it would be fun to see what happened
if we told everyone. Off the record, I put my money on mass
suicide, but the boys back at the Bureau generally think looting
will win out.

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NP: Well let’s focus on the “credibility” angle. Can you give us
some idea as to what the source was?
AG: Oh, sure. Fox News.

NP: Fox News? That’s your source?


AG: Yes. They have a great formula: they report, and I decide.
They’re the number one cable news channel. Just the other
day they were talking about the terrorist threat potential posed
by the nation’s squirrels. You can’t expect us to be everywhere
all the time, but Fox is, 24 hours a day, all around the world. If
they don’t know, no one does.

NP: Squirrels?
AG: Oh sure. Big ones, little ones and especially the black squir-
rels. Those little nigglets can’t be trusted. This one time, in Jack-
Booted Thug Training Camp, a black squirrel broke into the
latrine and, well, it’s not appropriate for your readers.

NP: Do you think black squirrels could have played a part in


the September 11 suicide bombings?
AG: I wouldn’t rule it out. They’re evil, and they hate us
because we’re good. You’re either with U.S. or you’re with the
black squirrels.

NP: Do you mind if I call you Chicken Little?


AG: Not at all.

NP: So, Chicken, what exactly should Americans look out for
while they’re on high alert?
AG: Well, Shaka, I can’t say exactly. For starters, they should
report any suicide bombers they see to local authorities. They
should also avoid anthrax, botulism, smallpox and other bio-
chemical warfare agents. Plutonium. They should also avoid
plutonium, and, let’s see. Oh yeah. Hijacked planes. Definitely,
without a doubt, stay off the hijacked planes. A recent govern-
ment study found that the survival rate for passengers on a
plane hijacked by suicide bombers was zero percent.

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Domestic Violence

NP: And we should avoid black squirrels too?


AG: Most definitely. No black squirrels for anyone. Sorry kids.

NP: Chicken, tell me this, just between us. Where is Dick


Cheney really? He’s dead isn’t he?
AG: Oh, okay. You got me. Dick Cheney’s in a crypt at Arling-
ton National Cemetery. Been there since `77. It’s amazing
what a little smoke and mirrors can do to fool the country. Of
course, by smoke, I mean marijuana. And by mirrors, I mean
“puppet media.”

NP: Let’s change subjects slightly. Since the September 11


attacks Congress has passed the USA Patriot Act which grants
new powers to law enforcement and intelligence agencies.
Could you discuss some of the more important provisions and
how you think that will help win the War on Terrorism?
AG: Absolutely. As you know, Jiggaboo, the law enforcement
and intelligence communities have practically had their hands
tied since the introduction of the Bill of Rights in 1791. That’s
210 years without any effective national security. Last week all
that ended with the USA Patriot Act. First we – I mean, Congress
– repealed the First, Third, Fourth and Seventh Amendments.

NP: And what do those amendments provide?


AG: Well the first is freedom of religion, speech and the press,
among other things.

NP: Wait, that’s practically the embodiment of America. How


could you repeal the First Amendment?
AG: It’s simple really: Islam. Islam is an evil religion. We must
smoke out the Mohammedans in this country.

NP: As you well know, Mr. Ashcroft, Muslims dislike being


referred to as Mohammedans. More importantly, doesn’t this
contradict your own public statements? I’ve heard you on the
radio making public service announcements urging Americans
not to attack Muslims, Arabs and Sikhs.
AG: I lied. What? So sue me. I’m the Attorney General. You going
to sic the FBI on me?

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Better Than Crying

NP: Good point. Would you continue with the other rights that
have been revoked?
AG: Gladly. Amendment Three prohibits quartering soldiers
in people’s homes. We just can’t afford that anymore. We
need soldiers at the ready all across the country for homeland
security, so we’ll be deploying 2 million servicemen and
women to live with average Americans throughout the War on
Terrorism. In order to maintain the integrity of the program,
we can’t tell families if there’s a serviceman designated to live
with them. It’s a surprise!

NP: Mr. Ashcroft, you keep saying “we.” You’re not in charge
of the military, though.
AG: You’d be right if it were September 10th, but as of September
11th, I’m actually running this America thing now. To continue,
we got rid of the unreasonable search and seizure rights and
the right to trial by jury. We must be relentless and ruthless in
the face of terrorism, which is why we reinstituted slavery.

NP: You what?


AG: Don’t worry, Toby. Not for your people; for the
Mohammedarkies. We’re making them work on pork plan-
tations. It’s the other white meat.

NP: You mean pig farms.


AG: Yes, but it’s nastier and more religiously offensive if we call
them “pork plantations.”

NP: I see. Excuse me Attorney General, but I read the USA


Patriot Act and didn’t come across any of the provisions you
mentioned here. How do you explain that?
AG: Simple, boy. Invisible ink. Pretty sneaky, huh? You can’t be
too careful with the Evil One at large.

NP: Well, I want to thank you for your time again. Is there
anything else you’d like to say to the American people?
AG: Three things. One, don’t get hijacked. Two, be berry berry
careful cause something bad could happen somewhere at any
time. Three, stay away from black squirrels. Thank you.

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Domestic Violence

FBI Director Robert Mueller plans to create a new team in


Washington to centralize terrorism fighting. Mueller is also
expected to notify terrorists of the change so they can central-
ize terrorism planning through Washington as well.

Today, Senator John Edwards is expected to distance himself


from the administration with a speech in which he accuses
President Bush of conducting a foreign policy of “arrogance
without purpose” that is marked by “gratuitous unilateralism.”
After his speech, Edwards plans to slip in the shower and acci-
dentally hang himself. The pending tragedy will be a grave
loss for the U.S. Congress.

A report issued by the World Trade Center’s leaseholder has


concluded that the twin towers did not collapse because of
flaws in their structural design. Instead, the document cites
“Saddam Hussein” as the likely cause.

The U.S. government lowered its terrorist threat level to yel-


low, also known as “please go outside and buy something,
anything, perhaps a congressman would do? The economy
needs you!”

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Cheney Undergoes
Resurrective Surgery
9 MARCH 2001 — Acting rotten flesh and dumbass po-
President Dick Cheney was litical ideology.
released from the morgue this “What Dr. Frankenstein
week after undergoing exten- and others are doing is evil,
sive “resurrective” surgery even for Republicans,” said
for yet another fatal heart at- Solouno Vida, president of
tack. This is the fourth time the National Association for
Cheney has died, according the Death of Dead People.
to morgue records. “I thought they had learned
Cheney has long battled their lesson with Strom Thur-
with death but remains com- mond.”
mitted to staying alive “no Vida was referring to Har-
matter what plans God may vard Medical School research
have in store,” said the VP’s which indicates that Thur-
assistant Mary Matalin. mond died in 1977 after dis-
“Presi- um, Vice President covering that his great great
Cheney was hospitalized for great great aunt was one-
a minor case of life stoppage, eighth black by marriage.
but it has not affected his The American Medical
dedication to his nation or his Association has strictly for-
job performance,” Matalin bidden resurrective surgery
stated in a press release. since it was discovered that
Cheney underwent his Supreme Court Jester Clar-
operation at Mt. Hades Army ence Thomas was actually
Medical Laboratories in the a Mississippi slave named
Arizona desert. Head of Sur- Shuk Niles Jive who died
gery Dr. Igor Frankenstein 200 years ago when an angry
issued this brief statement: slave mob bitch-slapped him
“He’s alive. He’s alive.” to death for opposing eman-
Several doctors, however, cipation.
have complained that re- Thomas’s behavior on the
peated resurrective surgery bench has long confounded
can have adverse effects on a African-Americans, who have
corpse including bone decay, accused the Jester of having a

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Domestic Violence

slave mentality. Now it seems deserve it. Now think about


those attacks were warranted. life. Don’t you think Dick
Resident Bush had only Cheney deserves some kind
this to say about his num- of a refund.”
ber one: “Take my tax plan, Cheney himself was not
which is really a refund available for comment.
cause the American people

According to the Defense Department, the controversial


Total Information Awareness data-scouring program
will have privacy safeguards built in. Officials would not
say what sort of safeguards, citing privacy concerns.

The creation of the Homeland Security Department


almost failed due to Democratic objections about too
many pro-business initiatives embedded in the bill.
Republicans have promised to revisit these issues next
year, after we’ve all forgotten about them.

Albany Police arrested a man at a mall for wearing a T-


shirt “Give Peace a Chance.” Another man in the same
mall who wore a T-shirt saying “Undermine domestic civil
liberties while pursuing an imperialist foreign policy”
was given a lifetime supply of ExxonMobile gasoline.

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Protestors in San Francisco staged a “vomit in” earlier this


week, in order to show how the war in Iraq makes them “sick.”
What’s next? A “shit in” to prove how much war stinks?

A Providence, RI homeless man pleaded guilty to threatening


to blow up the nation’s oldest synagogue. Joseph Nixon, 24,
now faces up to 10 years of food, clothing and shelter in a New
England prison.

Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will do more to


increase the number of minority-owned businesses that
receive city contracts, such as encouraging those businesses to
move to places like New York, DC or Atlanta which have actual
minorities living there.

Airport officials in Hot Springs, Arkansas say a herd of about


11 deer pose a safety hazard and may be shot. The officials
later clarified that by “deer” they meant “Mexicans.”

The Supreme Court has ruled that a six-by-four foot display of


the Ten Commandments at the Kentucky state capitol violates
church-state separation. The monument will be replaced by a
giant statue of Ronald McDonald.

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Domestic Violence

Bush Appoints Romulan


to UN Post, Cites Diversity
4 JAN. 2001 — Supreme similarities between Romu-
Court-Appointed President lan and American history.
George W. Bush has an- Like most Americans, Ro-
nounced his latest adminis- mulans are descended from
trative appointment. S’Task ancestors who emigrated
Rihannsu Tomalak, a Romu- from their motherland.
lan, has been designated as Splitting off from the
the U.S. ambassador to the Vulcans in a more than 100
United Nations. ship-year space journey, the
Citing a commitment to emigrants settled on what
diversity, Tomalak’s experi- became known as the planets
ence in intergalactic conflict Romulus and Remus.
and a desire to get the nation According to Bush aides,
to move beyond the fact that his record is perfectly suited
he wasn’t actually elected, to a position as U.S. repre-
Bush said he was proud of sentative to the UN.
his choice. During his career, Toma-
“It’s high time a president lak, named for the father of
appointed a Romulan, not his race, led squadrons of
because he’s Romulan, not to Romulan ships into battle
fulfill some Romulan quota, against peaceful and cultur-
but because he’s qualified, ally superior races. With
he’s a team player and he the Romulans as the chief
has a spaceship with cloak- instigator of violence in the
ing powers,” said Bush in a universe, Tomalak led the
prepared statement. Romulan effort to boycott
“Romulans believe in overdue payments to the
upholding honor through United Galaxies, while si-
respect for oneself and oth- multaneously controlling the
ers,” said the president-not- diplomatic body’s agenda.
really-elect. “So do I. These “Tomalak has been in-
’people’ are more American debted to humans, especially
than Americans.” Americans, since his col-
Baby Bush was, of course, league, Centurion Pahrat,
referring to the undeniable was saved by a human,” said

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Better Than Crying

Tomalak’s spokesromulan. Other critics point out the


“He is confident that he is the fact that Tomalak refuses to
’man’ for this job, a job only speak in any language other
a Romulan could handle.” than his native tongue. Bu-
Beyond the self-serving gene Urdick, author of The
congratulations of Bush Ugly Romulan,” has started a
and Tomalak however, the movement called “Cloak and
appointment has its critics Dagger” to stop Tomalak’s
– chief among them, Rever- appointment.
end Jesse Jackson. “What is he going to say
“An alien is this Toma- in a meeting with Tony Blair
lak. His breath does smell of when Blair complains of
Similac,” said the man-des- feeling lonely without Clin-
ignated-by-the-media-as-the- ton around? ’Veherr’?” asked
only-voice-of-black-Amer- a heated Urdick.
ica. “The you-in requires a Veherr, indeed.
hu-man. The you-in requires
a hu-man...”

A federal judge ruled that Boston’s school assignment


policy does not discriminate against whites. However,
a group of white parents plans to protest with signs
proclaiming, “The world is not enough. We also need
Dorchester High.”

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Domestic Violence

Here Comes the H.C.I.C.


(Head Corpse in Charge)
3 FEB. 2002 — In an new “Enron Room” as well
astonishingly direct manner, as a hallway statue of former
this past week U.S. Vice Pres- Enron CEO Kenneth Lay per-
ident Dick Cheney refused to forming fellatio on President
hand over to the General Ac- Bush, as signs that an investi-
counting Office White House gation may be warranted.
documents possibly related to “When you have Fortune
the Enron bankruptcy. 500 companies openly giving
“I ain’t gotta give up noth- head to politicians, you know
in. Now what are you gonna it’s time for campaign finance
do?” taunted the miracle of reform,” said House Minority
modern medicine. Speaking Leader Dick Gephardt.
from his crypt at the Ar- The White House, how-
lington National Cemetery ever, considers itself exempt
outside Washington, Cheney from almost any form of
argued that the White House oversight due to the unique
was not subject to demands method with which Bush as-
from the GAO “because.” sumed power. During a spe-
For its part, the GAO ar- cial press conference White
gues that it has a right to view House Spokesperson Ari
papers documenting meetings Fleischer clarified Cheney’s
between Enron executives position.
and the White House during “Let’s not kid ourselves.
the formulation of President Congress is arguing that ’the
Bush’s energy policy. people’ have a right to know
The GAO is investigating what goes on in the White
the possibility that adminis- House. But ’the people’ did
tration officials knew about not elect President Bush,”
the company’s troubles before Fleischer admitted.
its catastrophic bankruptcy “The only ’people’ who
last December. It is also look- have a right to these docu-
ing into just how much influ- ments are the five justices
ence Enron may have had on of the Supreme Court who
the administration’s agenda. placed Bush in office, and
Congressional Democrats trust me – they’ve already
point to the White House’s approved the policy.”
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Better Than Crying

A shortage of snow in Alaska may lead to greater risk of wild-


fires this spring, according to experts. The White House has
offered a solution: cut down all the trees. According to spokes-
man Ari Fleischer, “Trees can’t burn if they don’t exist.”

Florida Governor Jeb Bush’s daughter was found with 0.2


grams of crack cocaine at a state drug rehab center. The
Republican governor was notably silent on the subject of man-
datory minimum sentencing.

The recent arrival of more than 200 Haitians to Florida’s


shores has brought to light the disparity in treatment offered
Haitian immigrants versus those from Cuba. Haitians are
normally detained and returned to their country, but due to
the Damn You Fidel Act, Cuban immigrants receive automatic
amnesty, job training and GOP membership upon arrival.

Georgia high school football player James Martin was sus-


pended for kissing his girlfriend on the forehead. The Union
Grove high school prohibits “physical contact between stu-
dents that is deemed inappropriate.” When he returns, Mar-
tin can look forward to future football games where tackling,
head-butting and ass-patting are encouraged.

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Domestic Violence

Private Schools to Institute


Early Admissions Policy
14 MAY 2002 — Private Ivy League schools have
Montessori schools in the long been suspected of re-
U.S. have announced plans to serving slots for the children
institute an early admissions of political leaders, wealthy
policy due to the intense donors and European de-
competition for elementary scendants, and observers fear
school slots. Now parents that the same will happen to
who want their children edu- private schools.
cated by non-certified col- “This is an outrage,” ex-
lege grads can apply as early claimed a random passerby
as the third trimester. on the street. “I don’t even
According to the American know what’s so great about
Association of Schools that private school except that
can Afford Arts Programs, my kid can’t have access to
there are too many qualified it without me greasing some
students applying for a finite palms.”
number of openings. The most recent indication
“For every available desk, of just how tough admissions
we have ten outstanding have become was the accusa-
two-year-olds who have dis- tion last year that the Illu-
tinguished themselves in the minati Day School in Wash-
worlds of finger painting, ington, D.C. attempted to
puppet shows and peek-a- improve its athletic standing
boo,” said AASAAP Chair- by recruiting children whose
person Margaret Liston. “We only qualification was their
simply have to start looking ability to play house.
earlier.” The school settled the
The groundbreaking an- charges out of court, but the
nouncement extends to the event has tainted a system
grade school level admis- once seen as completely
sions policies generally prac- merit-based.
ticed by competitive colleges
and universities.

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The nation’s pediatricians are experiencing shortages of child-


hood vaccines for measles, diphtheria and other ailments. The
doctors say parents are fearful that the shortages could cause
permanent side effects — effects such as measles, diphtheria
and other ailments.

Earnings at McDonald’s fell for the seventh time in eight quar-


ters. The company cited “increasing costs of marketing heart
disease” as the primary reason for the decline.

CTI Corporation has successfully created “neuticles,” replace-


ment testicles for dogs, cats, horses and bulls that have been
neutered. “The replication is astonishing,” said Gregg A.
Miller, inventor and company president. “Authentic – clear
down to feel – as natural as nature intended. Now I can fondle
Sparky’s balls like before I had them cut off.”

George W. Bush this week gave a speech on corporate


responsibility.

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Domestic Violence

Police Search for Black Male


22 OCT. 2002 — Local prove their communities, but
police are looking for a black beneath the surface lurks an
man whom they say spent insidious hatred for America
his Saturday reading a book, and its freedoms.”
cleaning his apartment and Citizens are advised not to
adjusting his financial plans. be fooled by Dawg’s use of
The man, whose identity proper English, possession
is unknown, is being referred of an Ivy League degree or
to as “John Dawg” by law white girlfriend. These are
enforcement officials. all a ruse designed to disarm
“As far as we know, John white Americans, according
Dawg has been engaged in to authorities.
unsuspicious activity for at Police urge anyone who
least three years,” said Police spots Dawg to go to the
Chief James Hall. authorities first. Any leads
Dawg is believed to be should be reported to a spe-
from a city on the East coast cial telephone hotline at 877-
of the U.S. He probably has BAD-NIGA.
a white collar job and may Of course, seeking to ar-
even hold the door open for rest an individual yet to do
women entering a building. anything wrong has raised
“The violent thugs get civil liberties concerns, but
all the media attention, but Chief Hall has an answer for
there are literally millions those critics:
of men like our John Dawg,” “Sure he hasn’t killed
said Hall. anyone yet, but he will. They
“They work hard, don’t always do.”
cause trouble and try to im-

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Kmart has emerged from Chapter 11 bankruptcy and


announced several restructuring plans -- top on the list is the
company’s plan to boost sales by renaming itself “WalMart.”

The Dial soap company agreed to pay a $10 million sexual


harassment settlement on behalf of women workers at its Illi-
nois plant. Company officials argued that its “soapy wet t-shirt
contest” was implemented merely to boost morale.

A man and woman kidnapped their own sleeping children


from their grandmother’s Florida home by slamming a car
through the wall. General Motors is reportedly hoping to use
the couple in its newest H2 Hummer ads.

Airlines say they may stop carrying pets altogether if the


government makes them report the number of pets who die,
are injured or are lost in transport. According to an airline
spokesman: “If the government knew how bad we were with
animals, they might not let us fly people.”

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Domestic Violence

Massachusetts Election: The Real Debate


1 NOV. 2002 — Approximately 99.99% of the world’s popula-
tion does not live in the state of Massachusetts, which is a shame
because that means most of the world missed out on one hell
of a governor’s race in 2002.
The ballot featured five candidates:

• Mitt Romney, a corporate insider representing the


Republican Party
• Shannon O’Brien, a political insider representing
the Democratic Party
• Carla Howell, Libertarian Party
• Dr. Jill Stein, Green Party
• Barbara Johnson, Independent

Fortunately for the 6.27 billion people outside the Common-


wealth, we at NewsPhlash had the opportunity to hold a private
question and answer session with all five candidates. Let’s see
what they had to say on key issues affecting the state.

NP: How would you improve on anti-terror security measures


in Massachusetts?

ROMNEY: In case you didn’t know, I was in charge of the Salt


Lake City Olympics and helped provide security. If I can suc-
cessfully secure the largest city in Utah, I’m sure I can handle
the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

O’BRIEN: I’d find an existing law that I helped co-sponsor and


talk about it on television so terrorists would know that Massa-
chusetts is tough on crime.

HOWELL: I’d give every man woman and child a gun and free
bullets.

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STEIN: Strengthen defense of nuclear power plants and


improve public health infrastructure.

JOHNSON: I’m sure there are more capable people than me


who can answer this question.

NP: Healthcare is a big issue. What would you do about it?

ROMNEY: I have a lot of very important friends, you know,


people in high places? I could make a few phone calls and
solve this healthcare crisis over a round of golf.

O’BRIEN: I would take advantage of the Section 15-


104QrZ.1900 of the Federal Medical Providership Regulatory
Act of 1956.

HOWELL: The Nazis had universal healthcare, and look what


it did for the Jews. Do you like Nazis?

STEIN:
[With no campaign contributions from special interests, Jill Stein could
not afford to answer this question.]

JOHNSON: Train and hire more nurses to address the short-


age; buy drugs in bulk to defray costs. Common sense really.

NP: What would you do to improve the Massachusetts econ-


omy?

ROMNEY: Well you could say I know a lot about business. In


fact, you could say I’ve helped create several businesses. You
might even say I’m a silly rich bastard who is so good at busi-
ness that I could afford to buy my way to the corner office. So
believe me when I say I know what’s good for the Massachusetts
economy.

O’BRIEN: I would make a political appointment.

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Domestic Violence

HOWELL: The Nazis believed in economy. They were quite


efficient. Is that what you want?

STEIN: I will work towards economic growth that provides


prosperity for ordinary people, not just CEOs. I will do this
by implementing a Job Creation Tax Credit for new jobs that
provide living wages, investing in education and health care to
enhance workforce productivity, giving tax breaks to ordinary
people, and making Massachusetts a leader in the renewable
energy revolution.

JOHNSON: If alcohol is legal and taxed, marijuana should be


as well. If we let non-violent criminals out of jail, we could save
$107 million in costs. How ‘bout them apples?

NP: Many critics have accused your campaigns of overlooking


the interests and needs of the minority community in Mas-
sachusetts. How do you answer that charge, and what would
you do to ensure that all of Massachusetts’s citizens will have
a voice?

ROMNEY: Who?

O’BRIEN: I believe black people should be allowed to vote,


and I encourage them to vote for me.

HOWELL: Let’s give black people guns. That way, they can
defend themselves against all the crime in their neighbor-
hoods.

STEIN: There is a large disparity in health care quality


afforded to whites versus non-whites. I would investigate the
causes of this and work to improve the quality of care available
to ethnic minorities.

JOHNSON: Listen, I’m not gonna pretend to understand


things I don’t, but I know lots of black people are getting
screwed by this drug war. Let’s end that.

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NP: What would you do about the problem of illegal drugs?

ROMNEY: Illegal drugs are a scourge on our community.

O’BRIEN: Whatever my website says I would do.

HOWELL: Nazis were against drugs. Are you a Nazi?

STEIN: Drugs are a symptom of systemic problems. I would


attempt to fix the system with the integration of jobs, educa-
tion, affordable housing, health care and social services, to give
people real opportunities, not prison sentences.

JOHNSON: Smoke them. All of them.

NP: Finally, a different sort of question. Where do you see


yourself in five years?

ROMNEY: Taking the fifth in an SEC investigation of one of


my companies.

O’BRIEN: In my second term.

HOWELL: Cleaning my gun.

STEIN: Helping people.

JOHNSON: Keeping my answers short.

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Domestic Violence

Coca Cola reported lower sales and blamed the late placement
of the Easter holiday, a traditionally high soda-consuming
time. In response, the company plans to unveil a new market-
ing campaign: “What would Jesus do? Drink Coke.”

Political pollsters are finding it harder to conduct surveys since


more people can avoid them due to increased use of answer-
ing machines, caller ID and cell phones. The trend has forced
some adventurous politicians to develop their own beliefs.

George W. Bush reached out to Muslims during the holy month


of Ramadan by inviting senior Islamic officials to his Crawford,
TX ranch for a good old fashioned afternoon pork roast.

EPA Director Christine Todd Whitman has resigned. Whit-


man cited the Bush administration’s proposal to increase river
pollution as her final reason for stepping down. The adminis-
tration had argued that more pollution would produce “super
smart anti-terror salmon” capable of locating weapons of mass
destruction.

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Senator Joe Biden said he has not ruled out joining the field of
Democratic presidential candidates, proving once and for all
that a clown car can never have too many clowns.

George W. Bush kicked off a record-breaking political fund-


raising drive with a $2,000 per head dinner. On the menu
were mini hamburgers, nachos and the U.S. Constitution.

George W. Bush has broken his own fundraising record this


quarter, raising just over $34 million. When asked what he
plans to do with the money, Bush said he would swim in it.

Explaining why a suicide bombing campaign in America


would fail, Harvard terrorism expert Jessica Stern said, “we
don’t have an internal population as angry as the Palestin-
ians... nor are we occupying land.” Unfortunately, no Native
Americans were available to offer a rebuttal.

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Download This

Chapter 4:
Download This

WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT THE INFORMATION technology revo-


lution? Probably somewhere around 1982. But besides 20 years
of social devolution, the tech era has brought conveniences.
For example, I can now send an email to the cell phone
company while I’m on hold with them, waiting to complain
about dropped calls. That’s multi-tasking.
Don’t forget the language! We’ve gotten great language
out of our ride on the information superhighway. Take the
term “downloading” as an example. The music industry is up
in arms over college kids “downloading” music files, which is
just a euphemism for stealing.
“Downloading” doesn’t sound so bad, but wait until real
criminals catch on. “Officer, officer, I swear – I was just down-
loading that purse.”
We do indeed live in a brave new world, and nothing
reveals this better than the hype surrounding technology in
general and the Internet in particular. I hold a special place
on my hit list for spammers and even former friends who fill
my inbox with the most deceptive messages I’ve seen since,
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are cre-
ated equal.”
Let’s take a look at the news and emails that power our
information economy.

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Online Crap No Longer Exciting


31 MARCH 2002 — Years SodaMachineCam.com and
after starting a website AssCrackCam.com that took
titled “Cool Site of the Day,” the web by storm.
founder Glenn Davis has “During the mid 1990s,
abandoned the project and re- we all had this mistaken be-
turned to what he describes as lief that everyone should have
“living a normal friggin’ life.” the right to express them-
During the mid 1990s, the selves online. We thought it
Internet became notorious would be good for society
for quirky, unique websites and even democracy to ex-
that offered original themes pand the realm of ideas being
and outright bizarre content. exchanged, rather than hav-
But according to Davis, we ing that power concentrated
were all incredibly lame. in the hands of a few,” said
“If you stop to really Davis.
consider what I thought was “We were wrong.”
cool, someone should have Addressing what many
put a bullet in my head a long observers today see as an
time ago,” ranted Davis. increasingly consolidated
Davis is not alone in his media landscape online and
condescending attitude to- off, neither Davis nor John-
ward web trends of the past. son had much in the way of
A former self-described In- protest.
ternet God who went by the “It’s much better and a lot
online alias “Gee-chilles,” easier to go to an AOL-Time
Shawn Johnson can’t believe Warner web property than it
the life he used to live. is to try and find something
“What we thought was original,” said Johnson.
quirky, unique, original and “Don’t get me wrong, it’s
bizarre was really just a still bad, but I feel like I’m a
rancid, steaming pile of ma- part of something larger now
nure,” commented Johnson. when I practice online Quid-
Both Davis and Johnson ditch at www.harrypotter.com,
are referring to sites such you know? Something bigger
as DormLobbyCam.com, than me.”
CoffeeCam.com,

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The Pope this week announced “a big new theme for this year:
‘The Internet -- a new forum for proclaiming the Gospel.’”
The Pope followed this announcement by declaring that the
church would also now recognize that the Earth was round,
and that the Vatican will be upgrading its telecom network
from carrier pigeons to telephones.

This month the National Security Agency celebrates 50 years


of electronic spying. Americans wishing to congratulate the
NSA can send birthday wishes via email, fax, or telephone to
anyone. They’re listening.

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Response to Spam Email #1

Subj: Re: Your Awesome Offer!


Date: 8/6/2003 15:25 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: baratunde thurston
To: norespeck4u@spamalicious.com
On Sunday May 11, you wrote:

> Hey,
> thanks for the email.. long time.
> The site i was telling you about is where you apply
> and lenders and banks actually compete against each other
> for your loan. The winner is awarded to the lender who
> can provide the lowest rate and lowest repayment.
> The money i’m saving on my repayments is being used
> to finance my new car. I am so glad I took a few minutes
> to use this service. :)
> here’s the url ;
> http://www.wuyi-best.com/2/index.asp?RefID=198478
> Talk to you soon,
> Mike Bridges
>
> Sorry if this email caused you inconvenience.
> to stop me sending you more please go here.
> http://gethelpu.com/Auto/index.htm

Oh My GOD, Mike.

Thank heavens you wrote! First of all, you are so welcome for
the email. It HAS been a long time -- all the years between now
and the Big Bang-- since we last corresponded. I’ve missed you
a lot, dude. In fact, I didn’t even remember you existed until this
email you sent me.

This website you speak of sounds ABSOLUTELY


INCREDIBLE. I’ve never heard of such a thing -- lenders AND
banks actually competing for my business??? It’s too good to

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be true! I had a bad situation a while back where I could have


used this site. My cousin, Pookie, needed to post bail, but the
judge set it at $500,000. Can you believe that??? Half a million
dollars, and all the man did was blow up ONE school. I mean,
I thought this was America. Anyway, my family didn’t have the
money, and we couldn’t find a bank to loan it to us, so we had to
rely on “non-traditional” financing from Big Tony.

Man, was THAT a mistake or what? Big Tony and his crew
wanted guarantees that we’d have the money back within a week
PLUS 50% interest. That was like a MILLION dollars, but we
had to get Pookie out of that jail, so we did it. Needless to say,
we couldn’t meet Big Tony’s ridiculous terms, so a week later,
he and his crew came into our house, killed my whole family
and broke both my legs! I think Pookie would have been better
off in jail, but you know what they say: hindsight is 20/20!!

Anyway, with this slick website you told me about, I can only
wonder how things might have turned out differently if there
was some bank competing against Big Tony and his crew. Would
one of these banks have come to my family’s defense when
Tony’s henchmen smashed our back door and ripped Regina’s
tongue out? If they wanted our business like you promise, then
I’m sure they would. Wow, Mike. If you had written me, like
two weeks earlier, my family might be alive today.

Oh well, I guess it’s good to know for next time though.

Since you’ve shared this awesome information with me, remind


me to tell you about this great herbal remedy I heard about. It
will change your life!

Ok buddy, take care.

Your friend forever,


Baratunde

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The U.S. has accused Syria of harboring terrorists and con-


spiring to produce weapons of mass destruction. It seems
that someone at the Defense Department has discovered the
search-and-replace feature in Microsoft Word.

The U.S. Senate voted in favor of reorganizing several federal


agencies into a centralized department of homeland security.
The move will involve the largest government use of Microsoft
PowerPoint ever.

A judge ruled that ISPs are required to ID customers the


recording industry holds responsible for downloading music
files onto their computers. In response, consumer advocates
will sue to make record labels ID the individuals responsible
for Nellyville.

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE —

IBM UNVEILS NEW QUOTE-UNQUOTE JOB STATUS


9 Jan. 2001

In an effort to streamline its operations and reduce social


security taxes, IBM has announced that it will implement a
drastic restructuring of its workforce.
The initiative, code-named Quote-Unquote, will replace
at least 20 percent of U.S. factory positions with Guatemalan
volunteers experiencing tough times.
“The Guatemalan people have suffered through a tragic
36-year civil war,” said IBM CEO Louis Gerstner, Jr. “They
deserve a little compassion from IBM while they get them-
selves back on their feet.”
The move by such an industry veteran is being hailed as a
revolutionary and necessary step if IBM wishes to remain com-
petitive. The program will be run as follows:

• “Sweeps” will be made of the Guatemalan-Mexican


border by IBM in search of the neediest Guatemalans;
• Quote-Unquote volunteers will be provided with hous-
ing and occasional spending money;
• In exchange the Quote-Unquote illegal immigrants
will build hard drives, microprocessors and other com-
puter components;
• The Guatemalans may also provide baby-sitting and
home-cleaning services to IBM executives as an expres-
sion of gratitude; and
• IBM shall extend this offer to each needy Guatemalan
for a term not to exceed two years.

IBM’s initiative is just the latest in a trend gaining momen-


tum throughout American business. So-called “Compassion-

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Better Than Crying

ate Exploitation” has found a home in the farthest reaches of


corporate America.
Ford’s “Helping Hondurans through Hope” and Shell’s “A
Nigerian a Day Keeps the IRS Away” have both boosted the
companies’ share prices and improved the firms’ long-term
earnings forecasts.
Compassionate Exploitation is not without opposition,
however. Fringe groups like the Labor Activism and Mobiliza-
tion Organization (L.A.M.O) have voiced significant criticism
of the watered-down form of slavery.
“This is bullshit,” said the group’s founder, a bitterly dimin-
utive Robert Reich, who is rumored to know absolutely noth-
ing about anything relevant.

About IBM

IBM is a global leader in Communications, Technology and


Compassionate Exploitation Solutions. All press inquiries
should be directed to:

Yono Caro
IBM Press Liaison
914-936-1234
devnull@ibm.com

IBM currently has openings only for Guatemalans, but will


soon be extending the program. Any Third World immigrant
interested in IBM’s Quote-Unquote program should send us
an email at:

immigrant.opportunities@compassion.ibm.com

IBM is an E“E”OC Company.

###

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Microsoft is Dead
8-Year-Old Discovers Microsoft Won’t
Support Windows in XP Release; Decision
Creates Insurmountable Philosophical
Paradox for Software Giant
10 APRIL 2001 — In a on Windows. Then they said
stunning consequence of an they wouldn’t support what
overbroad statement to the they can’t guarantee. That’s
press, Microsoft Windows cool how I figured that out,”
XP, due out by year’s end, said the eight year old.
will not support itself.
The realization came after A Death Sentence
the company announced to- According to the American
day that it would not support Philosophical Association,
USB 2.0, an extension to the the sentence in question ap-
popular peripheral connectiv- plies to all Microsoft products
ity standard. The new version released in all possible worlds
would have offered con- past, present and future.
nection speeds comparable “Any reasonable person
to that of rival technology, examining this statement can
FireWire. come to no other conclusion
In announcing its USB dis, but that the company known
a company press representa- as Microsoft has logically
tive stated, “USB 2.0 support and semantically ceased to
will not be included in Win- exist,” said group president,
dows XP. Microsoft will not Dr. Rafiq Jones, Jr. The sen-
ship support for a standard tence has been cited by APA
that they can’t guarantee a members as proof that phi-
great user experience on.” losophy does have a practical
This statement escaped application after all.
the eyes of most readers, David Boies, honorary
but not young Glen Willis of member of the APA, said in a
Mansfield, Ohio. statement, “Told you I’d win.
“See, they already can’t I always win, eventually.”
guarantee a great experience

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A Dark World without just babble and not outland-


Windows ish at all.
“For years I have told
With so much of the world you that Microsoft is a pre-
dependent on Windows, news posterous company. In three
of its imminent expiration weeks no one will even use
has had a global impact. a computer again. Trust me,
Members attending a networked Styrofoam cups
Linux open-source conven- are the future of technology,”
tion in Menlo Park, Calif. said Ellison.
set a record for largest ever Hardest hit by the software
group orgasm upon receiving maker’s demise, though,
the news. are antivirus companies that
Meanwhile, Wall Street have made millions trying
was the site of history’s larg- in vain to protect Microsoft
est ever group suicide outside technology from computer
the state of Texas as thou- viruses.
sands of investment bankers “These companies have
leapt from skyscrapers to thrived in recent years as
their deaths. hackers launched a barrage
“So much for a soft of attacks on the MS Outlook
landing,” quipped Federal email client,” wrote market
Reserve Board Chairman research analyst P. R. Hoar.
Alan Greenspan. The usually Supporting Hoar’s claims
cryptic economist minced no is the immediate disbanding
words when describing the of every hacker group in
impact on the world’s econo- Russia.
mies. “Capitalism is official- “Without Windows
ly closed for business.” around who wants to write
Yet, while many lamented virus?” asked a frustrated
the event’s complete and hacker who went by the name
categorical destruction of ’Wind0Br8ker’. “Imagine
wealth, Oracle CEO Larry you’re God and suddenly the
Ellison claimed the event as Devil stops doing evil stuff.
a personal validation that his What do you do then, retire
outlandish babble was in fact, to Florida?”

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Response to Spam Email #2

Subj: Re: Good Men Are Hard To Find


Date: 5/16/2003 15:25 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: baratunde thurston
To: f24811@atlas.cz
Originally published in ModernHumorist.com July 1, 2003

On Friday May 16, you wrote:

> Russian Mail Order Brides


>
> Tired of Dating Spoiled American Women?
>
> Russian Women are Unspoiled, Devoted and Grateful!
> (Browse the FREE Pictures THEY Sent In!)
>
> We’ll Post Your FREE Ad on Our Russian Site.
> Let Women Come To You For A Change.
>

To Whom It May Concern,

I was trying to decide which method I’d use to enlarge my penis


in order to satisfy these ungrateful American women, when I
happened upon your unique offer. A Russian mail order bride
sounds like just the thing, and I’m especially interested because
they are unspoiled.

Before submitting my order, however, I’d like you to address a


few concerns I have about your shipping methods.

I once had a bad experience with a mail-order pie company


based in Cleveland – a town in one of our American states
known as Ohio. The company advertised the pies as “fresh”
(a.k.a. “unspoiled“). However, by the time I received my
package the pie was anything but. What should have been

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Better Than Crying

an enjoyable apple pie sent me to the hospital with the most


horrible intestinal cramps I’ve ever experienced.

It is that experience which has taught me to be wary of ordering


any perishable goods via the mail, no matter how good the
offer sounds. This brings us back to the Russian brides and my
questions for you:

1. What shipping company and packaging type will you be


using? It would seem to me that guaranteed Next Business
Morning from FedEx would be your preferred method in some
sort of crate with lots of soft material inside -- maybe bubble
wrap? I have to tell you, the Cleveland company tried to save
money by using the Donkey Direct, and I absolutely refuse to
accept Donkey Direct shipments after that experience. They
just wrapped the pie in old newspapers and put it in a cardboard
box. I can’t imagine that old newspapers would preserve the
freshness of a Russian woman.

2. How will I know if the Russian bride is spoiled or not?


The easiest for me would be if she came with a “use by” date
-- that way I could be absolutely sure she wasn’t spoiled.
Some products, like milk, come with a “sell by” date, which
is somewhat helpful. Even if you purchased the item by that
date, though, you wouldn’t know how long it was good for
without a firm “use by” date. I know I get nervous with milk
about three days past the “sell by” date. Then I start smelling
the milk constantly to see if I can detect spoilage. Assuming you
only employ a “sell by” date, what sort of smell does a spoiled
Russian bride emit? With uncertain milk, I’ll sometimes let the
dog try some and see if he gets sick. Would that work with a
Russian bride?

3. In the unfortunate event that the Russian bride is indeed


spoiled, what is your return policy? Will I have to pay for
return shipping? Again, I’ve learned from that pie experience
to be clear about the return policy. Let’s say there’s some sort
of delay in shipment so that the bride arrives after the “use by”

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date. Clearly, I wouldn’t want to accept her. Will you pay for
her speedy return to Russia? That pie company offered no such
return option, so I just tossed the remaining spoiled pie in my
compost heap. In America, we have laws against doing that sort
of thing with humans. It seems to me that your company should
assume responsibility for disposing of any spoiled brides.

4. If I partake of the Russian bride, and she is spoiled, and I


end up with painful intestinal cramps, what is your liability?
I can only assume you’ve got small print somewhere which
indemnifies you against any health insurance claims due to use
of a spoiled bride. Still, I’d like to know the precise terms of that
liability.

All in all, I’m very excited about the prospect of an unspoiled


Russian bride delivered directly to my door, but I hope you can
understand my hesitation. I’ve just been burned too many times
before.

Sincerely looking forward to doing business,

\baratunde rafiq thurston

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Reuters reports that U.S. sales of video game hardware, soft-


ware and accessories rose 10 percent in 2002, resulting in an
industry record. The key driver of this growth, according to
experts, is Americans’ desire to kill.

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) said record companies should be


allowed to remotely destroy the computers of those who down-
load music illegally. While extreme, the measure might find
support if citizens were allowed to remotely bitch slap senators
who try to undermine the Constitution.

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An Inspirational Chain Email

Subj: Fw: Pass On This Wonderful Message


Date: 5/16/2003 15:25 AM Eastern Daylight Time
From: baratunde thurston
To: newsphlashers@yahoogroups.com
You all should really check out the following message. It’s long
but so true and so INSPIRATIONAL!!!!!

\brt

> -----Original Message-----


> From: Jennifer Ramirez [mailto:2kewl4u37@earthlink.net]
> Sent: Sunday, September 12, 2010 4:42 PM
> To: People With Nothing Better to Do;
> Subject: FW: Pass on this wonderful message!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: Jim Stoyanovich [mailto:2muchfreeTIME007@msn
.com]
> > Sent: Sunday, February 16, 2003 4:42 PM
> > To: Anyone Who Will Listen;
> > Subject: Pass on this wonderful message!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>
>>
> > > -----Original Message-----
> > > From: Claire Doyle [mailto:boyamigullible2221@yahoo.
com]
> > > Sent: Thursday, June 10, 1999 4:40 PM
> > > To: Friends Whose Time I Don’t Respect;
> > > Subject: FW: you gotta read this!
>>>
>>>
> > > -----Original Message-----
> > > From: C Dog [mailto:udbanidiot2listen@aol.com]
> > > To: Undisclosed Recipients;

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Better Than Crying

> > > Subject: you gotta read this!


>>>

During one foggy day, as Raymond walked down his street


yet again (a judicial order prevented him from traveling
farther), a thought occurred to him: what if people could
create food by merely planting seeds, watering them, and
reaping what they sow?
But the 35-year-old Raymond knew that the world of 1994
was not ready for such a dramatic change. After all, look what
happened just two years prior when Raymond suggested that
the city council install a red, yellow and green signal light
system at intersections.
They laughed. They laughed, and then they beat him, and then
they laughed some more.
Raymond knew that most people were set in their ways,
and he would have a hard time convincing them to change.
However, Raymond also knew that if he believed enough, his
dream would come true.

***

At the same time that Raymond was having his earth-


shattering idea, a little girl was having the greatest thought her
little brain had ever known: what if there could be peace on
earth, and as a bonus, goodwill toward men? It was a thought
so revolutionary, so original, little Jessica almost felt bad for
thinking it. At the tender age of seven, she didn’t know how
to realize her lofty vision except to get a puppy and take great
care of it.
Jessica skipped into the nearest pet store and set her innocent
little eyes on the saddest bag of bones she’d ever seen.
“How much for that one?” she asked the owner, pointing to a
cage marked “Scooter.”
“Fifteen thousand dollars,” said the owner, with obvious
satisfaction.
“That’s a lot of money, sir. I only have $5,” she offered.
“Sorry,” said the owner. “The offer is final. Fifteen thousand

98
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or get outta my store.”


But then, a funny thing happened. Jessica told the owner her
dream – her dream of peace on earth and as a bonus, goodwill
toward men. The owner was so moved by the eloquent speech
from this seven year old girl, that he lowered his price to five
thousand dollars.
He then gestured toward a mangy, rabid tomcat.
“You can pay off the rest by licking Mr. Tigger’s balls every
day for the next two years,” he said between tears of joy.
“You just have to promise that nothing bad will happen to
Scooter, or it’ll be Tigger ball-licking for the rest of your life.
“Peace on earth indeed,” he sobbed.
Little Jessica readily agreed, but as she contemplated her good
fortune in making progress toward her dream, Brian struggled
through another day.

***

Brian was the worst football player on his high school team
– the absolute worst. Every year during homecoming, the
school would take a large “Brian” mannequin, set it at the 50
yard line, douse it in gasoline and use it to fuel their bonfire.
How they hated him so. And they would taunt him:

Brian, Brian what a dork


Let’s poke him with a big pitch fork

or

Whenever you think you’re not good enough


Just walk up to Brian and give him a shove
He won’t talk back, sure won’t fight
He’s the world’s biggest pussy all right.

But even though he lacked basic hand-eye coordination,


rudimentary motor skills and the ability to adjust future
decisions based on past experiences (often called learning),
Brian had heart. Every day he went to practice, and every day

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he hustled. His father backed him one hundred percent and


showed up at every game, even though Brian never played
once.
“You’ll never be anything,” his father would say between
large swigs of lukewarm Zima.
Brian would mistake these abuses for affection and always
responded, “I love you too Daddy.”
When he got to college, Brian earned a walk-on spot on the
team. Although Brian was terrible, the coach thought to keep
him around as a reminder to the team of what they would
become if they failed to apply themselves.
As in high school, Brian never missed a practice. But one day
during his senior year, an owl flew into the locker room and
delivered Brian a letter which changed his life.
His father had a cold.
Brian was devastated. His father might not be able to make it
to the next game and see Brian warming the bench. His voice
might not be strong enough to say, as he often did, “You’re the
biggest mistake of my life.”
Brian asked the coach if he could miss practice.
“Who are you, and where did you get that uniform?” the
coach asked.
For two weeks, Brian lay in his bed crying, unable to accept
his father’s condition. He was lost to the world.
Then, during the third week of Brian’s sorrow, the football
team was losing badly in its match against the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers. The game was part of a special program pitting
Division 3 colleges against NFL teams.
Everything was going wrong. The opposing team played as if
it had just won the Super Bowl. Then, quietly, a player came
onto the field and approached the coach. It was Brian.
“Coach, you gotta let me play. Please,” he pleaded.
“Somebody, get security,” demanded the coach.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Brian threatened as he held
a gun to the coach’s back.
Magically, Brian found himself in the game, and before long
people in the crowd could not believe their eyes. The world’s
biggest loser could play. He passed, he ran, he caught, he

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blocked, he tackled, he kicked and he returned punts. He even


patched the field between downs. Soon the game was tied, and
with a last-minute interception, Brian ran in the game-winning
touchdown.
After the stands emptied of the cheering crowds, the coach
asked: “How did you do that kid? You were a nobody.”
“I free-based cocaine,” Brian said, smiling. “Now I am
somebody.”
Still high, Brian got behind the wheel of his Geo Metro and
sped toward his father’s house. Sadly, cocaine and compact
cars don’t mix well.
It happened suddenly. Brian approached an intersection, and
since the city had failed to install a signal light, he raced
through it.
At just that moment, a little girl named Jessica was taking her
new dog, Scooter, for his first walk. The dog broke away from
Jessica and ran into the street. Scooter never saw it coming.
Death was instantaneous.
Brian faced no jail time for killing Scooter, but after he came
down from his high, his father disowned him, and the school
burned him in effigy to celebrate his expulsion.
Because of her agreement with the pet store owner about
taking care of Scooter, Jessica would have to lick Mr. Tigger’s
balls for the rest of her life.
And the city council, upon discovering that a signal light
might have saved a dog’s life, showed up at Raymond’s house
and beat him.
Then they laughed at him. Then they beat him some more.
Moral: Let this story be a lesson to anyone with a dream that
hard work and faith will ultimately pay off!

*** PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO 24.6


PEOPLE YOU KNOW WHO HAVE EVER WANTED
ANYTHING. IF YOU FAIL TO SEND THIS MESSAGE,
YOU, YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR DESCENDANTS FOR
24.6 GENERATIONS WILL SUFFER HORRIFICALLY
PAINFUL GENITAL WARTS -- THE LIKES OF WHICH
HAVE NEVER BEEN EXPERIENCED BEFORE..

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Straight from the Soap Box

Chapter 5:
Straight from
the Soap Box

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU’VE MADE IT THIS FAR. By now, I know


some of you are thinking:
“Baratunde, tell us what you really think. Your subtle use of
irony has thus far succeeded in concealing your true opinions.
We want to know the real you.”
Okay. You win. This final chapter features no fake news,
no momentary news jokes, neither fancy fonts nor pretentious
script formatting.
It’s just me, straight from the soap box.

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On Why It’s Not Your Afro


Originally published in The Harvard Crimson May 2, 1998

To All White People:


Stay away from my hair.
For the first 12 years of my life, I rarely had to “deal” with
my hair except getting it cut and occasionally combing it. I
lived in the predominantly black and Latino Mt. Pleasant area
of Washington, D.C., and attended what was basically a black
elementary school. We did not see anything strange about
our hair. But, in 1989, the year the Berlin wall came crashing
down, so did my world of stress-free hair existence. It was then
that I enrolled in the predominantly white Sidwell Friends
School.
“Is that your real hair?”
“That is so cool!”
“Can I touch it?”
For those of you keeping score at home, the answers are
“yes,” “great” and an emphatic, go-tell-it-on-the-mountains
“NO !”
These are just some of the ignorant comments I’ve gotten
about my unique brand of head covering, and it’s hardly the
worst.
Apparently, there had not been too many black men in
Sidwell’s history, and those who were kept their heads almost
shaven (I understand why now). I was a novelty: a black man
with more than a centimeter of hair on his head.
However, after six years at Sidwell, I had the populace
trained. People knew to keep their grubby little fingers away
from my cranium. I had seen the foul bathroom hygiene, and
did not want unclean appendages all up in my space.
Coming to Harvard, I’ve had to do it all over again, and the
problem is worse than ever.
Now I have an afro or a sport cornrows (they’re kind of like
braids for those who don’t know). I cannot count the number
of times people I do not know come up to me and touch my
hair, saying something dumb like, “Wow.”
“Wow?”

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Straight from the Soap Box

Don’t get me wrong. I can understand that there is some-


thing different about my hair and this leads people to want to
learn more about it. But I am not in a petting zoo, and I refuse
to pretend that I am so that white students can find out how
it feels to run their fingers through a head of black hair. I can
even understand that other people are not so offended by the
act, but I will explain why things are different in my case:

1. This may be a little-known fact, but during slavery in the


U.S., masters and overseers would rub the heads of their
male slaves for “good luck.” I am not a slave, and no one
here is my master.
2. As I alluded to above, people have foul bathroom habits.
I have seen people use the bathroom and leave without
washing their hands, and I don’t care what you say; it’s
disgusting. You may have the right to be nasty, but you do
not have the right to dirty my clean coif.
3. It’s a matter of personal space violation for me. You can
shake my hand or fondly caress my shoulder (acceptable
forms of greeting in the West), but the hair is sacred.
How many of your white friends do you greet by scruffing
their heads?
4. It’s either condescending or passionate, neither of which
applies to most of the people with whom I interact. Head-
rubbing is reserved for moments between proud fathers
and their Little-League-playing rugrats or intimate
moments between lovers. Needless to say, none among
you is my father, and I currently have no lover (but that’s
a separate editorial).
5. I said so.

So the next time you feel the need to reach out and touch
some black person’s head, make this world a better place, and
keep your hands to yourself.

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On Booty Dancing
31 Dec. 2000
As you prepare to dive headlong into a new year, I realize
that many of you will spend this evening in some questionable
setting getting your so-called “groove” on. With champagne
in one hand and some article of clothing in the other, many
of you will be patronizing the fashionable and ultra-expensive
New Year’s Eve parties. Those among you with rhythm will hit
the dance floor. Those without rhythm will also hit the dance
floor, though perhaps in a more literal sense. It is the subject
of dancing that I wish to discuss. I specifically wish to address
one particular form of dancing: The Booty Dance.
Named after the Washington, DC area females of Negroid
and Puerto Rican persuasion who are credited with its inven-
tion, booty dance is really the essence of dance. It combines all
the key elements of any worthy dance form: rhythm, sensual-
ity and of course perspiration. But what many outsiders don’t
realize and insiders fail to acknowledge is that booty dancing
is a very complex art form divided into three primary schools
with countless subgroups.
The first school of Booty Dance, I have dubbed LCD for
“least common denominator.” This is the most basic style,
accessible to white people and the elderly alike. Nothing more
than a glorified two step, LCD style is the foundation for some
of the more advanced schools of Booty Dance. In chaperoned
Catholic school dance environments, it is the form least likely
to result in calls to “leave room for the Holy Spirit.”
The second school of Booty Dance has a regional basis and
is one I have dubbed The Reggae School, because Caribbean
people have a style that’s all their own. Clear signs that the
Reggae School is in effect include a special hip roll known
as “wining.” The Reggae School is also the only style of booty
dance that can include accessory equipment. The lightweight
members of the school opt for a simple wifebeater, but the
more serious contenders approach the dance floor replete
with straw hat and sugar cane.
It’s the third and final school of Booty Dance that deserves
the most attention. Legendary as the most risqué form of

106
Straight from the Soap Box

Booty Dance (and having been completely outlawed at Catho-


lic schools) is what I have dubbed The Freak-Nasty School.
Freak-Nasty booty dance is really a whole new level, more akin
to dancenography (dance + pornography). To best explain
the Freak-Nasty school, I have developed a Top 10 list. If you
find yourself engaged in any of the following activities, you are
a member of the Freak-Nasty School.

10) If furniture is involved;


9) If only one leg is on the ground;
8) If your ass is above your head;
7) If a circle has developed around you;
6) If three or more people chant “go” followed by your name
or the name of your dance partner;
5) If your face is in your partner’s crotch;
4) If you are slapping your partner’s buttocks;
3) If you can see the ceiling without bending your neck;
2) If you are freaked by so many people that you are not
visible to others more than two feet away;
1) And in at number one: If you are having sex on the dance
floor, you belong to the Freak Nasty School of Booty
Dance.

107
Better Than Crying

ON THE Real Star Wars


31 Aug. 2001
By now the citizens of this great land are aware that its
Department of Defense successfully tested a proposed missile
defense system over the Pacific Ocean. While various species
of endangered whale were reportedly miffed at the molten
meteor’s descent into their childrens’ daycare facility just out-
side the Kwajalein Atoll, the human response to the test victory
has been overwhelmingly positive.
“Yeehaw!” said Texas.
However, a superficial glance by even the most intellectu-
ally challenged of four-year-olds has revealed that the test was
dun dun dunh – rigged !
According to Pentagon officials and documents, the “test
missile” was fitted with a global positioning satellite beacon
that broadcast its location to every Tom, Dick and Hussein
within a light year of Earth orbit. Let me clarify for those of
you not used to state-sponsored shenanigans. We’ve been had.
Still having difficulty? Here’s an analogy:
Let’s say you’re, oh just reaching here, an angry, psycho-
logically traumatized, Harvard-educated black militiaman
bent on showing up at and bombing the world headquarters
of, let’s say, Abercrombie and Biatch – the veritable epicenter
of all that is wrong with life and culture in this country.
Rather than stealthily plot your attack for months as an
undercover khaki, the DoD thinks you’re more likely to
announce the time and date of your attack and give a minute-
by-minute over-the-air broadcast of your position.
Abercrombie’s headquarters are in New Albany, Ohio, but,
being a recluse, you don’t know much about the big city and
live somewhere like Boston (suspend for a moment your dis-
belief in a black man actually living in Boston). So you get in
your red, black and green Hummer blasting a fusion of gang-
sta rap and Marilyn Manson with a loudspeaker system that
says, “I’m going to bomb Abercrombie! I’m traveling 65 miles
per hour on Interstate 90! I have to pee and will get off at Exit
3 for 4 minutes and 53 seconds before I resume my loud, anti-
Abercrombie death march.”

108
Straight from the Soap Box

See, when I write it, you think it’s absurd, but when it’s the
department of Defense, you say “Wow, we can stop terrorism
with a missile shield.” Ergo, you’ve been had.

QED

109
Better Than Crying

On The Real Star Wars,


An Apology
3 Sept. 2001
It has come to my attention that you received a message
dated August 31 on the subject of the U.S.’s missile defense
test. The statements, purportedly authored by me, were riddled
with rather questionable content. It appears that the message
was sent in an attempt to portray myself and this publication
as some sort of crazy, anti-establishment bullhorn. I can only
offer the sincerest of apologies to those good citizens among
you who were frightened by both the style and substance of the
offending literature. Please, do not be frightened.
Everything is OK.
It is okay to watch television. In fact, the Food and Drug
Administration has a recommended dietary allowance of at
least 4 hours a day to maintain a healthy capitalist attitude.
(For immigrants and children under 12, the FDA recom-
mends 6 hours daily)
It is okay to shop at Abercrombie.
It is okay to agree with George W. Bush.
It is okay to mobilize troops in order to protect national
interests such as Saudi oil and Kuwaiti gold.
It is okay to vote.
It is okay to drive a Ford Excursion.
It is okay to pay your taxes.
Everything is O-TAY.
You should feel safe knowing that I have taken triple pre-
cautions against any such unauthorized access and use of my
computer system in the future. Clearly, any individual who
preaches such a sermon of anger is crying out for help.*

*They made me write this. Don’t believe it. Run while you can. Get out!
It’s too late for me but not too late to save yourself!

110
Straight from the Soap Box

Celebrating Black History


29 Jan. 2003
A lot of people don’t really know what to do when Black
History Month rolls around, especially if they are not black.
For me, the options are clear: be proud of my race. As I’ve
learned in over a quarter century of life in modern America,
the best way to feel good about oneself is to put others down.
So I’ll be spending the shortest month of the year downplay-
ing the achievements of all non-black Americans. It’ll be fun.
However, that leaves open the question: What do you do dur-
ing black history month if you’re not black? Fortunately, I have a
solution for you people as well. (And when I say “you people,”
I mean it in “that” way). Here is my Guide to Celebrating Black
History Month for Those Who Aren’t Black.

There are 10 things you can do to show that you value the
contributions of African Americans to this great country of
ours. Ready?

1. Read The Autobiography of Malcolm X

Better yet, watch the movie. That book is really long. The
basic story involves a young man who goes through many life
challenges, finds himself and gets killed as his message begins
to really spread. The moral of the story: you cannot make a
difference!

2. Invite a black friend over for dinner

Whenever it’s not Black History Month, I get sad. It’s not
because I miss the festivals or the television specials or even
the Coca Cola commercials featuring Dr. Martin Luther King
Jr. Although, if there’s one thing he stood for, it was for our
right to consume high fructose corn syrup. Free at last!
No, I get sad because February is the one month when my
white friends invite me over for dinner. It’s their way of saying,
“Sorry for the 400 years of free labor and institutionalized rac-
ism. Our bad.”

111
Better Than Crying

What better way to apologize than to invite Baratunde over


for take-out KFC and Kool-Aid? I don’t even mind being the
token dinner guest. I just don’t know what to do for food the
other 11 months of the year.

3. Get a black friend

I’m a busy man. I can’t be the black friend for all of non-
Black America. So it would behoove you to get your own. If
you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being black-
friendless, locate a large group of black people in a poorly lit
urban alley. They should be wearing the same colors (it’s a
sign of unity). Run up to the group and scream, “I WANNA BE
YOUR FRIEND!” They will welcome you with open arms.

4. Once you have a black friend, appreciate him!

As a black person, I can honestly say I don’t feel all that


appreciated in America sometimes. Maybe it has to do with
the state-sponsored assassination of so many of our leaders.
You could go a long way toward healing the racial divide if
you simply said something like, “Leroi, Madame CJ Walker
invented the straightening comb. Now let’s go fight the
power!” It helps if your friend’s name is Leroi; just a tip.

5. Watch BET

I know it’s not owned by a black person any more, but this
Viacom cable channel still stands for Black Entertainment
Television. For your February purposes, the “E” in BET also
stands for “education,” because you will learn much about
black people while watching it. Primarily, you will learn that
black people are a very musical people. Through the magical
storytelling power of song, you will learn of the great chal-
lenges facing the black community, such as what type and how
many pairs of shoes to procure. (The answer: Nike Air Force
Ones and two pair).

6. If you own a retail store, put pictures of black people on


the wall

112
Straight from the Soap Box

Anyone who’s seen Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing knows


that if there’s one thing which will activate the dormant riot
gene in an African American, it’s the absence of their peers on
the walls of a neighborhood retail establishment, especially a
pizza shop. And if that pizza shop is owned by those I-talians,
well, fuggetaboutit.

7. Don’t be racist

This one can be a struggle for many, and it’s understand-


able. Racism is everywhere. It comes naturally. But it’s con-
sidered to be “offensive” if you are racist toward black people
during Black History Month. If nothing else, it shows a lack of
discipline. If you’re serious about hating black people, prove it
by delaying that hate for four short weeks. Think of it as a vaca-
tion from racism, or “vacacism.” On March 1, you’ll return to
peak racist form, charged up and ready to marginalize.

8. Know the key people

Sure, there have been lots of unsung heroes in the history of


Africans in America, but they’re unsung for a reason. To appear
knowledgeable, you only need to know a few : the sung ones!
These include: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Mal-
colm X, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Jackie Robinson,
Muhammad Ali, W.E.B. DuBois, Booker T. Washington, Fred-
erick Douglass, Langston Hughes and maybe Thurgood Mar-
shall. When in doubt, see if there’s ever been a feature-length
film about the person or a t-shirt sold using their image. If the
answer to both of these questions is no, move on.

I know I told you there would be 10 things to do in this


guide, but I’m pretty tired after all this typing. I bet you read-
ers are exhausted too. On the plus side, now you only need to
do two per week, and it won’t adversely affect your life’s deli-
cate schedule!

That’s all for now. I guess I’ll see you guys at dinner.

113
About The Author
Baratunde’s mother claims the first thing he did when he
was born was urinate all over the doctors. The second thing
he did was laugh. “I imagine that was my way of making an
entrance. I wasn’t just born. I arrived,” he says.
Raised in Washington D.C. and educated in public and
private schools, Baratunde eventually found his funny bone
during college. Majoring in philosophy at Harvard gave him
the chance to ponder life’s important questions such as: what
if hypochondria were caused by a brain tumor? Clearly, it was money
well-spent.
While in college, Baratunde launched his satirical elec-
tronic publication, NewsPhlash, which serves as the founda-
tion for Better Than Crying. Readers have described NewsPhlash
using such phrases as: “Wicked, mad funny,” “This should be
sent to SNL,” “Still crying with laughter,” and “I must start
making plans to commit you.”
Along with writing, Baratunde started doing standup com-
edy in April 2002, and in just over a year, he’s established him-
self as a fresh, new voice. His material covers a wide range of
topics, from life as a child raised on health food to the future
of technology jargon to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
He’s a regular at The Comedy Studio in Cambridge, Mass.
and the New York Comedy Club in Manhattan, and in Novem-
ber 2002, HBO selected him as a finalist in the U.S. Comedy
Arts Festival Talent Search. It took some doing, but fortunately
for audiences, Baratunde not only knows how to make them
laugh, he’s also learned the proper place to urinate.

Keep up with Baratunde at www.baratunde.com and make


sure to join the email list for late-breaking comedy.
Baratunde On Stage
Like what you’ve read here? Then you’ll definitely want to
see Baratunde live. He performs throughout the U.S.

His credits include:


• National finalist in the HBO 2002 Comedy Arts
Festival Talent Search
• Late Night with Conan O’Brien, Saturday Night
Live and BET Comic View*

What critics are saying:

“The funniest human. EVER.”


- Close Friend

“Better than Carrot Top!”


- Any Idiot

“He’s Black.”
- Subway operator

Baratunde would be a great addition to your club, college


or company pork roast entertainment roster. For booking
info, please visit www.baratunde.com or send an email to
booking@baratunde.com

*are all shows that Baratunde watches.

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