Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Baratunde R. Thurston
First Edition
ISBN 0-9746762-1-7
Printed in the United States of America
This book is dedicated to my mother,
who always taught me to take note of the contradictions.
Acknowledgements
I’d like to thank so many people for helping me with this
first book: My mother and sister for supporting me, believing
in me, challenging me and pushing me. My editors, without
whom this book would be a mere collection of insane ram-
blings. Thanks to you guys, it’s a funny, mostly-grammatically
correct collection of insane ramblings. So thanks Dolyta,
Seph, Eli, Joel, Vlad, John, Poonam, Mawi and Rishi. Thanks
to Husani for the hot cover and Pam for the interior design.
Thanks also to the Boston and Cambridge comedy scene;
the U.S. Constitution, for guaranteeing certain inalienable
rights and the Bush Administration for trying to alienate
them; Fox News for making comedy that much easier; and
thank you Mieka for the inspiration. I continue to take fate
day by day.
…a man has two ways out in life — laughing
or crying. There’s more hope in laughing.
Dick Gregory
in his first autobiography Nigger
Table of Discontents
Introduction .................................................................. 11
Here are some final tidbits to help you through the next
100 pages or so:
1. The book consists primarily, but not exclusively, of let-
ters. These letters are often combined into words, which,
when strung together, form phrases and, occasionally,
sentences. It is these sentences which contain thoughts
and ideas meant to enter your brain.
Sincerely,
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Chapter 1:
Media-crity
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Fox Announces
New White
House Show
28 FEB. 2001 — Executives
at Fox Television have decided
to launch a new television series
to rival The West Wing on NBC.
My So-Called Presidency will
chronicle the illegitimate presi-
dency of George W. Bush. The
season premiere is set to debut
on Malcolm X’s birthday for
“maximum minority offense.”
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NBC to Launch
Dateline Action Figures
28 FEB. 2001 — In an ef- around the world, will have
fort to maximize the impact the opportunity to manipu-
of a powerful brand name by late the news like their favor-
minimizing its respect in the ite heroes, Stone Phillips and
public eye, NBC News will Jane Pauley,” said NBC PR
be releasing action figures Whore and Vietnamese Divi-
based on its news magazine sion Head Shai Sti Phuc.
show, Dateline. “We have all wanted to see
“Now, every man woman Phillips and Pauley get it on.
and child in America, and Now we can!”
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Is 911 a Joke
in Your Town?
17 OCT. 2001 — Following
September 11, the U.S. televi-
sion media offered up several
catchy titles to help citizens
understand and deal with the
tragedy:
Attack on America
America Under Attack
America Attacked by Attackers
America Kicked in the Nuts
After the Attack
America Rising
America United
America Getting a Hard On
America’s New War
America Strikes Back
America’s Can of Whoop-Ass
America’s Long Schlong
America Gets Ill
America: That’s My Dawg
America vs. The Brown People
Good vs. Evil
Anthrax Scare
Anthrax Threat
Threat of Anthrax
Everyone Has Anthrax
Anthrax is Going to Get You
Don’t Have Anthrax? You Will!
Now that’s what I call pen-
etrating news coverage!
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Researchers Discover
Bullets Kill Mice
Suggest Possible Implications for Humans
14 MAY 2002 — Re- The study could have far-
searchers at Harvard Medical reaching implications for hu-
School have discovered that, mans and the ways in which
when exposed to high-veloc- they interact with bullets, but
ity bullets, mice end up dead researchers avoided drawing
or severely injured. any direct conclusions from
The report, which appears their study.
in the latest issue of Science, “We’d like to stress that
could have drastic implica- as of now, we have only
tions for humans. performed the tests on mice,
The study found that seri- which we all know differ
ous injury was likely only significantly from humans in
when bullets interacted with physiological and other di-
mice at extremely high ve- mensions,” commented Dr.
locities. Syte.
“Our lab results indicate The government-funded
that merely throwing bullets research group has plans to
at mice was more likely to run phase two of the test, hu-
result in fear and annoyance man trials, in South Central
rather than death,” wrote Los Angeles, the South Side
head researcher, Dr. Noah of Chicago and Southeast
N. Syte. Washington, D.C. as soon as
“We had to use firearms to possible.
really jumpstart the reaction.”
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The Supreme Court has ruled that states can post pictures of
child sex offenders on websites. The Court pointed to www.r-
kelly.com as a precedent.
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MTV “Cribs”Needs
Diapers for O-Town
21 JAN. 2002 — How many of you have watched MTV’s
Cribs, a show in which the possessions, status and wealth of
entertainers are flaunted before the economically disenfran-
chised masses like an Enron executive’s summer home before
former employees’ worthless stock option certificates? I know
I have.
Few things make me feel better than the chance to watch
a group of pseudo-talented yahoos prance around a mansion
that everyone in the world knows belongs to their label...
except them.
For those who may not watch TRL, or ABC, or listen to pop-
ular radio, good for you, but you may have missed a chance to
understand exactly what O-Town is. As most Americans with
the ability to interpret aural input as meaningful sound know,
the music industry is in a state of advanced decay. The three
Bs — “Boy Bands and Britney” — capture the hearts and
minds of our nation’s youth, reducing them to a state some-
where between cottage cheese and skunky beer.
This decaying trend has been underway for some time,
but in silence. There has been an unspoken agreement that
“They” will find, release and market “crappy music” while
“We” will tolerate, listen to and buy it. In such an equilibrium
has the world existed for at least 20 years (since the release
of Kenny G’s self titled album in 1982). For 20 years, though,
“They” at least maintained that their “artists” were “real musi-
cians” with “talent.” Have I used enough “quotation marks?”
However, 2000 witnessed an escalation of tension as well
as audacity in the record label-drone relationship. During
this year, all pretenses were abandoned as MTV and NSync/
Backstreet creator Lou Pearlman launched Making the Band.
This was a reality TV show in which O-Town was literally
manufactured from crap. After screening piles of poop from
all 50 states, Pearlman found a magic combination in the five
members of O-Town. With this show, the music industry basi-
cally took off its gloves and said to us:
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“Cradles” – A Transcript
EXT. OUTSIDE THE O-TOWN MANSION
TREVOR
Yo yo yo, it’s MTV.
NPTV
Actually, we’re with NPTV. It’s a new
network.
TREVOR
Awww, word? Well, we’re a new band made
up entirely of vocalists! Wanna tour?
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ERIK
Hola. Que pasa, ese? Is this, like,
another TV show touring our house,
homes? Yo man, let’s make this shit
quick cause I got this morena en mi
sala knowhatI’msayin?
ERIK
So, I was like, “Yo painters. Hermanos.
I need a big ass American flag on my
wall! I don’t care what it costs yo!
Just do that shit, man. Do that shit.”
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DAVIS
We’re gonna need up-to-the-minute
patriotism angles after this World
Trade Center shit. What can we use?
LACKEY #1
We could re-title Busta Rhymes’s latest
single Break Ya Arab Neck?
DAVIS
You’re fired.
LACKEY #2
How about O-Town? They’re pretty
multicultural looking in a Benetton
sort of way. Maybe they could symbolize
racial harmony or something?
DAVIS
I like where this is going. Isn’t there
a Mexican in that group named Enrique
or something?
LACKEY #2
Erik. And he’s more Italian than
Mexican, but—
DAVIS
Whatever. Get the little Chicano to
have a huge flag in his bedroom. We own
the goddamned house don’t we? Hell,
paint the house red, white and blue.
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ERIK
Yeah, I just love everything that flag
stands for –- like freedom and peace
and stuff.
ERIK
And this, this is where the magic
happens. All the ladies know what I’m
talking about. You ready to check out
Trevor’s room? He’s just down the hall.
TREVOR
Yo, NPTV in the muphuckin’ hizouse! Yo
this is my pad up in here, up in here.
As you can see, I love basketball. It’s
my favorite sport. You dribble the ball
up and down the court.
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NPTV
That’s nice. You understand basketball.
TREVOR
Hells yeah. I was born and raised a
Lakers fan. I love golf too. Tiger is
my Negro. Yo, check this.
TREVOR
This is where the magic happens.
NPTV
Word?
TREVOR
To ya mutha! You ready to check out the
white boys’ rooms?
INT. HALLWAY
DAN
Yo, NPTV in the muphuckin’ hizouse! Yo
this is my pad up in here, up in here.
As you can see, I love basketball. It’s
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NPTV
I think those are Trevor’s lines.
DAN
Huh? But my contract say— I mean, I
love basketball too. What, only black
guys can love ball now? Yo whatever. I
love all the old school R&B shit. Like
Usher and Jill Scott and Fat Boy Sl—
Um, the FAT BOYS!
NPTV
I doubt Usher would consider himself
“old school.”
DAN
Yo word. True. But fa-real.
DAN
This is where the magic happens? Enough
about my crib. You should see Ashley’s
spot.
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ASHLEY
Ever since I was a kid I’ve loved
Superman. Call me a sensitive, caring
angel from above, but there’s still a
cute little boy behind this cute little
boy face that loves the idea of a hero.
That’s what me and the guys try to be
for our fans: heroes.
NPTV
Okay, I’ll play along. This is supposed
to be a tour of the house J Records
uses to hold you, but I see you want to
discuss substantive things so go ahead.
You’re a big boy now. You’re on TV. How
do you think you’re a “hero?”
ASHLEY
Well, um, yeah. I was just saying that
me and the guys. We like to write? I
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NPTV
Do you think they don’t see it because
your label won’t release such cr—-
nevermind. That’s a low blow. Tell me
about your bed. It looks interesting.
ASHLEY
Oh, that. Well that’s where the magic
happens.
NPTV
Of course it is. Good boy. Good Ashley.
Can I see Jacob’s room?
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JACOB
Let me tell you a story. When we moved
into this house, all the guys drew
straws for the master bedroom, except
one. Me.
NPTV
I see.
JACOB
I’ve been playing piano since
conception. My mother shoved a
microscopic piano into her uterus for
me to practice on so I wouldn’t waste
time. I’ve been to Julliard as well
as the Empire State Building AND the
Washington Monument. How many people
can say that?
NPTV
Not many, other than a few million
tourists.
JACOB
Oh, and this is where the magic
happens.
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VOICEOVER
Thank you for tuning in to another
episode of NPTV’s CRADLES where we
take a look inside the immature,
prepubescent world of popular music.
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man from the Himalayas, and Krispy soon discovered that his
fellow humans were none too happy about his existence. As
he crawled toward the homeless shelter from another lonely
night turning tricks, a group of drunken American exchange
students shot Yevgeny in the leg... with none other than an
intercontinental ballistic missile – the same intercontinental
ballistic missile that killed Coach and Almost-Father Adoni-
kov. Fate had stabbed Krispy in the back with a rusted knife
and twisted it.
Because of a loophole in his healthcare policy, Krispykre-
makov’s HMO denied him the reconstructive bionic surgery
he needed to repair his leg. Left with nowhere to turn for
medical assistance, Krispy amputated his own infected right
leg... at the hip... with a Swiss army knife.
At 100 years old, with no family, no skis and only one leg,
Yevgeny Krispykremakov had given up on life, but fortunately
for the world of international downhill skiing, life had not
given up on Yevgeny.
One Tuesday evening in January 1991, as Krispykremakov
was wallowing in his own waste, a newborn baby drifted down
the sewage canal where he lay. Krispy could not allow this
innocent baby to die. On that day, he resolved to raise this
baby boy, to be a father to this child that he himself had always
wanted. He named the child Alexei Bornin Crapakov, which
in English, roughly translates to “Alexei born in feces.”
Little Crapakov became Yevgeny’s new raison-d’etre. He
cut way back on the drinking and the whoring, turning his
attention instead to improving the plight of children world-
wide born in sewage canals. He founded the world renowned
Center for Children Born in Human Waste, and has dedicated
99 percent of his energy toward making it a success. With the
other one percent of his energy, Yevgeny learned to ski again
in order to honor the life of Boris Adonikov. For the past
eleven years, Yevgeny, inspired by little Crapakov, has prac-
ticed his unique one-legged skiing in the Caucus Mountains.
He returns today a changed man. Ninety-seven years after
leaving the wolf pack, Yevgeny Krispykremakov aims for the
gold in Salt Lake City.
God himself couldn’t have written this.
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Foreign Objects
Chapter 2:
Foreign Objects
IT’S ME AGAIN. I’M GLAD TO SEE YOU HAVEN’T BURIED this book yet.
I’ll now turn my attention outward. Believe it or not, there are
places beyond the borders of United States of America where
actual people live. These places are called “countries,” and
they have strange names like “East Timor” and “India” and
“Alabama.”
They also have strange customs and not a few of them
believe in the concept of sovereignty and self-determination.
To this I say: whatever.
I have been to four of these “countries” in my life. I traveled
to Los Mochis, Mexico by train and dined on Chinese food. I
visited Dakar, Senegal, where I also found Chinese food. For
one week, I frolicked in Paris, France and had the occasion
to consume you-know-what: Chinese food. Even in Montreal,
Canada, I could not escape the Chinese food.
If you ask me, we need to spend less time focusing on Iraq,
and point our guns toward China. While you wait for the U.S.
Defense Department to catch up to my thinking, let’s take a
look at some other interesting areas of the world.
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The Vatican has drafted a policy that could ban gays from the
priesthood. In response, homosexuals have drafted a policy
that could ban priests from the gayhood.
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Foreign Objects
General Wiranto to
Release Love Song CD
23 OCT. 2000 — What track set on his debut album,
do you do if you are a war For You My Indonesia. He is
criminal, responsible for the raising money for conflict
deaths of hundreds, having victims around the country.
nearly destroyed the hope “I sing my song. I get the
of democracy in your coun- profit. I give this profit to
try? Obviously, you record refugees,” said the general.
a CD of love songs, throw The general seems to have
an extravagant release party struck a chord with murder-
and vow to give the profits to ous militiamen across the
refugees. globe. He is reportedly in
Such is the case in East talks with Slobodan Milos-
Timor which nearly descend- evic to record the former
ed into complete chaos last president’s album, tentatively
year after a U.N.-brokered titled To All the Serbs I Loved
vote for independence trig- Before (Those Goddamned
gered a military rampage. Albanian Whores Arrived and
General Wiranto, the mili- Needed to be Purged in Order
tary chief responsible for the to Cleanse our Tainted Blood
violence, has recorded a 10- and Make it Pure Again).
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Good Country,
Bad Country
3 FEB. 2002 — Rather cast the world in terms of
than maintaining any modi- good and evil.
cum of tact, diplomacy or Some have argued that the
class, Commander in Thief president has let this praise
G. W. Bush this week labeled get to his head.
Iran, Iraq and North Korea an “He is a fool. A simple,
“axis of evil” and warned the drunken fool,” said respected
world that America was com- revolutionaire Rafiq Jones,
ing to get them. Jr. “He’s like a little rhesus
“I’m comin’ to get ya. I’m monkey hyped up on smack
comin’ to get ya. Spittin’ out let loose with a whole nation
lyrics, homey I’m wit ya,” to run.”
rhymed fake-president Bush. Whether or not the Texas
Bush’s comments, made rancher has engaged in il-
during his first State of the licit drug use, he certainly put
Union Address, have caused many in the U.S. and abroad
quite a stir internationally on alert with his statements.
with U.S. allies asking out- National Security Advisor
right, “Did your entire coun- Condoleezza Rice sought to
try lose a bet.” address concerns that Bush
Since the terrorist attacks had effectively declared war
on the Pentagon and the on three nations.
World Trade Center last fall, “I think what’s important
Resident Bush has enjoyed to note is that not once during
undeserved praise for his his speech did the president
post-September 11th actions openly butcher the national
as he has increasingly has language,” said Rice.
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Domestic Violence
CHAPTER 3:
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
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NP: Attorney General Ashcroft. Thank you very much for tak-
ing time out of your busy schedule undermining the Constitu-
tion to talk with us here at NewsPhlash.
AG: Not a problem Bartholomew-
NP: Baratunde.
AG: Certainly, Bart .
NP: Ba-ra-tun-de.
AG: Sure, Kunta. The point is that I welcome the opportu-
nity to speak with the press so the American people can stay
informed.
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NP: Well let’s focus on the “credibility” angle. Can you give us
some idea as to what the source was?
AG: Oh, sure. Fox News.
NP: Squirrels?
AG: Oh sure. Big ones, little ones and especially the black squir-
rels. Those little nigglets can’t be trusted. This one time, in Jack-
Booted Thug Training Camp, a black squirrel broke into the
latrine and, well, it’s not appropriate for your readers.
NP: So, Chicken, what exactly should Americans look out for
while they’re on high alert?
AG: Well, Shaka, I can’t say exactly. For starters, they should
report any suicide bombers they see to local authorities. They
should also avoid anthrax, botulism, smallpox and other bio-
chemical warfare agents. Plutonium. They should also avoid
plutonium, and, let’s see. Oh yeah. Hijacked planes. Definitely,
without a doubt, stay off the hijacked planes. A recent govern-
ment study found that the survival rate for passengers on a
plane hijacked by suicide bombers was zero percent.
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NP: Good point. Would you continue with the other rights that
have been revoked?
AG: Gladly. Amendment Three prohibits quartering soldiers
in people’s homes. We just can’t afford that anymore. We
need soldiers at the ready all across the country for homeland
security, so we’ll be deploying 2 million servicemen and
women to live with average Americans throughout the War on
Terrorism. In order to maintain the integrity of the program,
we can’t tell families if there’s a serviceman designated to live
with them. It’s a surprise!
NP: Mr. Ashcroft, you keep saying “we.” You’re not in charge
of the military, though.
AG: You’d be right if it were September 10th, but as of September
11th, I’m actually running this America thing now. To continue,
we got rid of the unreasonable search and seizure rights and
the right to trial by jury. We must be relentless and ruthless in
the face of terrorism, which is why we reinstituted slavery.
NP: Well, I want to thank you for your time again. Is there
anything else you’d like to say to the American people?
AG: Three things. One, don’t get hijacked. Two, be berry berry
careful cause something bad could happen somewhere at any
time. Three, stay away from black squirrels. Thank you.
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Cheney Undergoes
Resurrective Surgery
9 MARCH 2001 — Acting rotten flesh and dumbass po-
President Dick Cheney was litical ideology.
released from the morgue this “What Dr. Frankenstein
week after undergoing exten- and others are doing is evil,
sive “resurrective” surgery even for Republicans,” said
for yet another fatal heart at- Solouno Vida, president of
tack. This is the fourth time the National Association for
Cheney has died, according the Death of Dead People.
to morgue records. “I thought they had learned
Cheney has long battled their lesson with Strom Thur-
with death but remains com- mond.”
mitted to staying alive “no Vida was referring to Har-
matter what plans God may vard Medical School research
have in store,” said the VP’s which indicates that Thur-
assistant Mary Matalin. mond died in 1977 after dis-
“Presi- um, Vice President covering that his great great
Cheney was hospitalized for great great aunt was one-
a minor case of life stoppage, eighth black by marriage.
but it has not affected his The American Medical
dedication to his nation or his Association has strictly for-
job performance,” Matalin bidden resurrective surgery
stated in a press release. since it was discovered that
Cheney underwent his Supreme Court Jester Clar-
operation at Mt. Hades Army ence Thomas was actually
Medical Laboratories in the a Mississippi slave named
Arizona desert. Head of Sur- Shuk Niles Jive who died
gery Dr. Igor Frankenstein 200 years ago when an angry
issued this brief statement: slave mob bitch-slapped him
“He’s alive. He’s alive.” to death for opposing eman-
Several doctors, however, cipation.
have complained that re- Thomas’s behavior on the
peated resurrective surgery bench has long confounded
can have adverse effects on a African-Americans, who have
corpse including bone decay, accused the Jester of having a
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HOWELL: I’d give every man woman and child a gun and free
bullets.
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STEIN:
[With no campaign contributions from special interests, Jill Stein could
not afford to answer this question.]
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ROMNEY: Who?
HOWELL: Let’s give black people guns. That way, they can
defend themselves against all the crime in their neighbor-
hoods.
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Coca Cola reported lower sales and blamed the late placement
of the Easter holiday, a traditionally high soda-consuming
time. In response, the company plans to unveil a new market-
ing campaign: “What would Jesus do? Drink Coke.”
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Senator Joe Biden said he has not ruled out joining the field of
Democratic presidential candidates, proving once and for all
that a clown car can never have too many clowns.
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Download This
Chapter 4:
Download This
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The Pope this week announced “a big new theme for this year:
‘The Internet -- a new forum for proclaiming the Gospel.’”
The Pope followed this announcement by declaring that the
church would also now recognize that the Earth was round,
and that the Vatican will be upgrading its telecom network
from carrier pigeons to telephones.
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> Hey,
> thanks for the email.. long time.
> The site i was telling you about is where you apply
> and lenders and banks actually compete against each other
> for your loan. The winner is awarded to the lender who
> can provide the lowest rate and lowest repayment.
> The money i’m saving on my repayments is being used
> to finance my new car. I am so glad I took a few minutes
> to use this service. :)
> here’s the url ;
> http://www.wuyi-best.com/2/index.asp?RefID=198478
> Talk to you soon,
> Mike Bridges
>
> Sorry if this email caused you inconvenience.
> to stop me sending you more please go here.
> http://gethelpu.com/Auto/index.htm
Oh My GOD, Mike.
Thank heavens you wrote! First of all, you are so welcome for
the email. It HAS been a long time -- all the years between now
and the Big Bang-- since we last corresponded. I’ve missed you
a lot, dude. In fact, I didn’t even remember you existed until this
email you sent me.
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Man, was THAT a mistake or what? Big Tony and his crew
wanted guarantees that we’d have the money back within a week
PLUS 50% interest. That was like a MILLION dollars, but we
had to get Pookie out of that jail, so we did it. Needless to say,
we couldn’t meet Big Tony’s ridiculous terms, so a week later,
he and his crew came into our house, killed my whole family
and broke both my legs! I think Pookie would have been better
off in jail, but you know what they say: hindsight is 20/20!!
Anyway, with this slick website you told me about, I can only
wonder how things might have turned out differently if there
was some bank competing against Big Tony and his crew. Would
one of these banks have come to my family’s defense when
Tony’s henchmen smashed our back door and ripped Regina’s
tongue out? If they wanted our business like you promise, then
I’m sure they would. Wow, Mike. If you had written me, like
two weeks earlier, my family might be alive today.
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About IBM
Yono Caro
IBM Press Liaison
914-936-1234
devnull@ibm.com
immigrant.opportunities@compassion.ibm.com
###
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Microsoft is Dead
8-Year-Old Discovers Microsoft Won’t
Support Windows in XP Release; Decision
Creates Insurmountable Philosophical
Paradox for Software Giant
10 APRIL 2001 — In a on Windows. Then they said
stunning consequence of an they wouldn’t support what
overbroad statement to the they can’t guarantee. That’s
press, Microsoft Windows cool how I figured that out,”
XP, due out by year’s end, said the eight year old.
will not support itself.
The realization came after A Death Sentence
the company announced to- According to the American
day that it would not support Philosophical Association,
USB 2.0, an extension to the the sentence in question ap-
popular peripheral connectiv- plies to all Microsoft products
ity standard. The new version released in all possible worlds
would have offered con- past, present and future.
nection speeds comparable “Any reasonable person
to that of rival technology, examining this statement can
FireWire. come to no other conclusion
In announcing its USB dis, but that the company known
a company press representa- as Microsoft has logically
tive stated, “USB 2.0 support and semantically ceased to
will not be included in Win- exist,” said group president,
dows XP. Microsoft will not Dr. Rafiq Jones, Jr. The sen-
ship support for a standard tence has been cited by APA
that they can’t guarantee a members as proof that phi-
great user experience on.” losophy does have a practical
This statement escaped application after all.
the eyes of most readers, David Boies, honorary
but not young Glen Willis of member of the APA, said in a
Mansfield, Ohio. statement, “Told you I’d win.
“See, they already can’t I always win, eventually.”
guarantee a great experience
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date. Clearly, I wouldn’t want to accept her. Will you pay for
her speedy return to Russia? That pie company offered no such
return option, so I just tossed the remaining spoiled pie in my
compost heap. In America, we have laws against doing that sort
of thing with humans. It seems to me that your company should
assume responsibility for disposing of any spoiled brides.
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Brian was the worst football player on his high school team
– the absolute worst. Every year during homecoming, the
school would take a large “Brian” mannequin, set it at the 50
yard line, douse it in gasoline and use it to fuel their bonfire.
How they hated him so. And they would taunt him:
or
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Straight from the Soap Box
Chapter 5:
Straight from
the Soap Box
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Straight from the Soap Box
So the next time you feel the need to reach out and touch
some black person’s head, make this world a better place, and
keep your hands to yourself.
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On Booty Dancing
31 Dec. 2000
As you prepare to dive headlong into a new year, I realize
that many of you will spend this evening in some questionable
setting getting your so-called “groove” on. With champagne
in one hand and some article of clothing in the other, many
of you will be patronizing the fashionable and ultra-expensive
New Year’s Eve parties. Those among you with rhythm will hit
the dance floor. Those without rhythm will also hit the dance
floor, though perhaps in a more literal sense. It is the subject
of dancing that I wish to discuss. I specifically wish to address
one particular form of dancing: The Booty Dance.
Named after the Washington, DC area females of Negroid
and Puerto Rican persuasion who are credited with its inven-
tion, booty dance is really the essence of dance. It combines all
the key elements of any worthy dance form: rhythm, sensual-
ity and of course perspiration. But what many outsiders don’t
realize and insiders fail to acknowledge is that booty dancing
is a very complex art form divided into three primary schools
with countless subgroups.
The first school of Booty Dance, I have dubbed LCD for
“least common denominator.” This is the most basic style,
accessible to white people and the elderly alike. Nothing more
than a glorified two step, LCD style is the foundation for some
of the more advanced schools of Booty Dance. In chaperoned
Catholic school dance environments, it is the form least likely
to result in calls to “leave room for the Holy Spirit.”
The second school of Booty Dance has a regional basis and
is one I have dubbed The Reggae School, because Caribbean
people have a style that’s all their own. Clear signs that the
Reggae School is in effect include a special hip roll known
as “wining.” The Reggae School is also the only style of booty
dance that can include accessory equipment. The lightweight
members of the school opt for a simple wifebeater, but the
more serious contenders approach the dance floor replete
with straw hat and sugar cane.
It’s the third and final school of Booty Dance that deserves
the most attention. Legendary as the most risqué form of
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Straight from the Soap Box
See, when I write it, you think it’s absurd, but when it’s the
department of Defense, you say “Wow, we can stop terrorism
with a missile shield.” Ergo, you’ve been had.
QED
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*They made me write this. Don’t believe it. Run while you can. Get out!
It’s too late for me but not too late to save yourself!
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Straight from the Soap Box
There are 10 things you can do to show that you value the
contributions of African Americans to this great country of
ours. Ready?
Better yet, watch the movie. That book is really long. The
basic story involves a young man who goes through many life
challenges, finds himself and gets killed as his message begins
to really spread. The moral of the story: you cannot make a
difference!
Whenever it’s not Black History Month, I get sad. It’s not
because I miss the festivals or the television specials or even
the Coca Cola commercials featuring Dr. Martin Luther King
Jr. Although, if there’s one thing he stood for, it was for our
right to consume high fructose corn syrup. Free at last!
No, I get sad because February is the one month when my
white friends invite me over for dinner. It’s their way of saying,
“Sorry for the 400 years of free labor and institutionalized rac-
ism. Our bad.”
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I’m a busy man. I can’t be the black friend for all of non-
Black America. So it would behoove you to get your own. If
you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being black-
friendless, locate a large group of black people in a poorly lit
urban alley. They should be wearing the same colors (it’s a
sign of unity). Run up to the group and scream, “I WANNA BE
YOUR FRIEND!” They will welcome you with open arms.
5. Watch BET
I know it’s not owned by a black person any more, but this
Viacom cable channel still stands for Black Entertainment
Television. For your February purposes, the “E” in BET also
stands for “education,” because you will learn much about
black people while watching it. Primarily, you will learn that
black people are a very musical people. Through the magical
storytelling power of song, you will learn of the great chal-
lenges facing the black community, such as what type and how
many pairs of shoes to procure. (The answer: Nike Air Force
Ones and two pair).
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7. Don’t be racist
That’s all for now. I guess I’ll see you guys at dinner.
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About The Author
Baratunde’s mother claims the first thing he did when he
was born was urinate all over the doctors. The second thing
he did was laugh. “I imagine that was my way of making an
entrance. I wasn’t just born. I arrived,” he says.
Raised in Washington D.C. and educated in public and
private schools, Baratunde eventually found his funny bone
during college. Majoring in philosophy at Harvard gave him
the chance to ponder life’s important questions such as: what
if hypochondria were caused by a brain tumor? Clearly, it was money
well-spent.
While in college, Baratunde launched his satirical elec-
tronic publication, NewsPhlash, which serves as the founda-
tion for Better Than Crying. Readers have described NewsPhlash
using such phrases as: “Wicked, mad funny,” “This should be
sent to SNL,” “Still crying with laughter,” and “I must start
making plans to commit you.”
Along with writing, Baratunde started doing standup com-
edy in April 2002, and in just over a year, he’s established him-
self as a fresh, new voice. His material covers a wide range of
topics, from life as a child raised on health food to the future
of technology jargon to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
He’s a regular at The Comedy Studio in Cambridge, Mass.
and the New York Comedy Club in Manhattan, and in Novem-
ber 2002, HBO selected him as a finalist in the U.S. Comedy
Arts Festival Talent Search. It took some doing, but fortunately
for audiences, Baratunde not only knows how to make them
laugh, he’s also learned the proper place to urinate.
“He’s Black.”
- Subway operator