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Anon’s Guide to a Successful Date
(Success Meaning Sex)
(consensual or otherwise)
By: Namaztak 
DISCLAIMER: The author of this handbook assumes no responsibility for the potential injuries or imprisonment that may, and probably will, result from the use of this guide. By opening and enacting any of the procedures in this book you acknowledge that you are fullyaware of the risks you are taking and take all responsibility for your inevitable failure.P.S.: This handbook should not be taken seriously. It is intended as a humorous parody of any normal dating guide.TL;DR: USE THIS FOR REAL AND YOU ARE AN IDIOT.That in mind: enjoy!
 
Section One: A Quick Description of The Author  Name: James KatzamanAge: 96 Fox YearsBody Makeup:Weight: 14.4 stoneHeight: 6.009052e-17 ParsecsBuild: AverageHobbies: Playing video games,
legitimately
(not illegally in any way) downloadingmovies, music, and games, lurking on 4chan, and dark comedy (as you will no doubt be able totell throughout this handbook.)Other qualities: I am a cynical, misanthropic genius; quite funny and brutally honest.Also, people tend to think I’m high at all times when I have never been so in my entire life. Gofigure.
 Now that you’ve seen my face the being high comments may make more sense, but I’ve never been! Scout’s honor!(Also I’ll have to kill you.)
 
Section Two: How to Ask for a Date
Here are a few useful icebreakers that will make initiating conversation a snap!
•
Excuse me miss, I can’t quite place the scent of this rag. Can you tell me if it smells likechloroform?
•
You must have fallen from heaven…and that fall must have caused your horriblydisfigured face.
•
Mind if I buy you a drink, or would you rather I just give you the money?
•
SEX NOW! (Pimpslap)
•
Wow, you look so much better without my binoculars.
•
Do you know the difference between a hamburger and sex? (No.) Wanna come back tomy place for lunch?
•
I’ve got something for that drink of yours.
•
Ever play D&D? ‘Cause my alter ego wields a plus sixty-nine staff of penetration.
•
If I said you had a nice body, could we have sex?
•
My corrections officer says I’m not supposed to be around women or children, but youseem worth it. (Then sweep her off her feet and drive away into the night in your white,windowless van with “Free Candy” crudely spray-painted on the side.)Using those pickup lines you are virtually guaranteed to get a verbal response! (Warning:Response may not be entirely verbal and may be no more than a loud scream, physicalassault with a can of pepper spray and a stiletto to your jewels.) 
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And here are a few icebreakers that are much less likely to land you in your nearestcorrectional facility.
•
Do you have any gum, because I can smell my own breath and I could sure use an IceBreaker?
•
Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Enough to break the ice.
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uploaded a new revision for this document (#2)

12 / 06 / 2009

uploaded a new revision for this document (#1)

12 / 06 / 2009
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