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The Search For Myself: Edward & Bella
For what shall it profit a man,if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul.Mark 8:36
Preface
Have you ever felt like you were living inside a dream that you couldn'tescape from? Like you were reaching out, trying to find a hole to climbout of, or a crack to slide under... and yet, all you found was morewalls? Have you ever felt like you could be calling out for someone,anyone to help you, but all you heard was the sound of your voice as itechoed and bounced around you? This is how I felt. I was trapped,excluded. Forgotten.I never gave my existence much thought before today. I just
was
. Astime went by, I accepted this fate. But today -- today was different.I was not prepared. I should have been, but I wasn't. I never evenexpected to find myself in this type of predicament.All I wanted was for someone in this world to notice me for who I am,not for what I was. I wanted one single soul to look at me in my eyesand see a person behind them, not a monster. ...Somehow, deepinside, I never truly thought it would happen. So when it did, it took melike a windfall and knocked me off of my bearings. I couldn't breathe,couldn't move, couldn't think, and most of all, I couldn't process onesingle surrounding. It was uncontrollable."Look at me, Bella!" the beautiful creature shouted at me. I felt hisfirm, warm fingers on my skin, gripping my jaw, shaking my face untilmy eyes found his again. His eyes were a deep green, deep as themeadow we laid in just hours before this. I wanted more than anythingto be back there once again. I began to close my eyes, imagining wewere there. Warm. Alone now, but together.
 
"Stay right there, love! Don't you
dare
close your eyes! Don't you doit!"My body began to shake and I felt the cold start to take it's effect onme. My eyes filled with tears, something that happens to my kind onceevery ten years or so. "E-Edward," I croaked out, reaching up to grabone of his perfect hands. "I-I am so sorry. I didn't mean to -""No!" he shouted forcefully, my angel cutting me off. "Don't youapologize to me, Bella! You're going to make it. You're going to be justfine. Do you believe me Bella?"My body began to unravel, shaking and compulsing in his lap. I couldn'tthink now, couldn't breathe. I felt the exhaustion of this long world takeit's toll on me, and I began to slip under the weight of it. Further,deeper... I was definitely going down. I felt his hand slap my face hard,trying to keep me awake, keep me here with him. Oh how I wanted tostay with him. Forever."BELLA!" The struggling, defeated scream echoed around my ears, asthe sheer sound of pain blasted around the empty, cold, dark building.White lights began to flicker in and out of my subconscious, and I knewit was too late. I was dying now. My body was going numb and I wasdying."Oh my God, Bella! Don't you leave me! I can't breathe without you,you can't leave me now! Hold on, Angel! Hold on!"I felt my shoulders grow numb, and knew my time was up."Don't do it, don't you say goodbye to me!"I felt nothing. Emptiness. My heart had broken completely, and now Iwas gone. I deserved to die. This was my fate.I struggled to open my eyes, to gain enough strength to find his. Iwanted one everlasting memory of the angel that came into my life sounexpectedly, flipped my world upside down, stole my soul from me,and taught me how to love again - despite my imperfections.And when I found his eyes, I was at peace again. One last time.And then I closed my eyes to rest, the first time in over a hundredyears.
 
Chapter One - Uncontrollable Fate
"Name?""Isabella Swan.""Swan?""Yes.""Hmm..." The gray-haired lady stuck the chewed pencil in her mouthand began to rummage through the stack of papers, searching silently.I smiled pleasantly toward her, secretly annoyed by the fact that hereyes were much weaker than mine. I saw my name on the corner of the third sheet ten minutes ago, but didn't want to make her think shewas doing her job inadequately. Clearly, this wasn't her fault. She was just a human.I rested my chin to my hand and leaned against the counter, amusedby the ticking of the clock above her head. How long was this reallygoing to take? My father was waiting for me in his cruiser, andeveryone knew it wasn't nice to keep Chief Swan waiting. Patience wasa virtue that both of us severely lacked. And hearing her thoughts asshe thought about the latest Matlock rerun she watched last night wasbeginning to test my patience even more.I cleared my throat, trying to get her attention."I-S-A-B-E-L-L-A?" The receptionist spelled out each letter, making sureshe wasn't looking in the wrong place.I nodded, forcing another smile. I knew I couldn't take it much longer,and the thought of climbing over this counter, yanking the paper fromher fingers, shoving my finger towards my name, and calling her anidiot was sounding more appealing by the second. But I refrained.A few moments passed, and she finally paused and returned my smile."Here you are: Isabella Swan." She gave me my new schedule for theyear, my books, some papers for my father to sign, and a list of 
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