The Help Mate: A Biblical Look at Gender Roles in Marriage

By Jenny DuffySometimes when we wives hear that we are our husband's helpmate, we tend to feelslighted. We feel like we've been given an inferior role, but this isn't so. Man and women haveboth been created in God's image and thus they are equal. And while men and women are equal,I do believe that they serve different roles. This implies no inferiority to either gender, but rather the best use of what God has given to each one.

The Creation of Woman

God thought of the creation of woman and said, " It is not good that the man should bealone, I will make a helper suitable for him (Genesis 1:18)." We don't know that Adam ever complained about being alone and it's hard to imagine that one who walked so closely with Godever would. Yet, there was no creature that existed who was on the same level as Adam, for Godwas higher and other life forms were lower since Adam had dominion over them. God desired for man to have someone who he could relate and commune with, and love and receive love fromwho was of his own kind.When we read Genesis, we find out that God put Adam into a sleep and pulled a rib fromAdam's side and used this to create woman, who was his last work of creation. I do agree withthere being significance that woman was created from a bone out of Adam's side, and that thisshows the position of women: not in front of man leading him and not behind man in an inferior position, but living along side of him. I also think of the ribs which are close to a man's heart, and Ithink this too shows the position of a wife; one who is the closest to her husband's heart.When we look at the original text we find that the words used in verse 18 are actually'help meet'. 'Help' describes a helper while 'meet' means 'suitable.' It was God's pleasure todesign women as a gender totally suitable to give counsel, companionship, love, and intimacy,and all of this in intelligence and equal rank with man.I do believe that man does have authority over the woman. I agree with Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church when he says how God gave Adam authority over all the animals, and whenAdam named the animals this was a job of one in authority. In the same way, we must look athow Adam was created before Eve and how in a position of authority, he named her.

The Curse

In Genesis 3:16, we read that after Adam and Eve sinned, part of the curse which Godsent forth was that woman would suffer pain in child bearing and that her desire would be for her husband and that he would rule over her. Although man was already in a place of authority over the woman, it was now to be a duty and feeling of injustice and punishment for the woman to besubject to her husband. In turn, women would strive to be the rulers of the relationship. God alsosaid that he would put enmity between man and woman meaning that there would be hostilitybetween the two genders and a regard for each other as enemies. Jesus has redeemed us fromthis curse (Galatians 3:13-14) and so spiritually we are not under this curse anymore, but we canchoose to live as if we are. For example, men and women today could still feel hostility towardeach other and choose to live that way, if they reject the freedom that Jesus has provided inregards to this. Today, men are no longer to rule over their wives as a master rules over a slave.Men and women are partners who are to cherish, love and respect each other. With this beingsaid, submission is still key and it is still biblical for a woman to submit to her husband. Husbandsand wives are to serve each other but there is a special emphasis on men being the head of therelationship, and women submitting to that headship.

New Testament Submission

We don't like to think of man having authority because we tend to think of instanceswhere authority is abused, and just plainly, we don't want to feel as if anyone needs to be inauthority over us. But the Bible speaks of Godly authority, and the authoritative role of thehusband is to be a Godly one.

In Ephesians 5, Paul speaks about the roles of husband and wife. In Ephesians 5:22,Paul says that wives ought to be subject to their husbands as to the Lord, as the husband is thehead of the wife, as Christ is also head of the church. Paul then instructs men to love their wivesas Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for the church. He describes how Jesus sanctifiesHis church, presenting to Himself a bride that is pure, holy and blameless.We can look to Jesus as our example as one who lived a life of submission. Jesus andGod were one. They were equal yet they had different roles, and Jesus submitted to the headshipof the father. Jesus submitted to God knowing that God's will is for holiness and love. Submissionto authority is the pattern of Christianity. Jesus submitted to God's authority, and the churchsubmits to Christ. We submit ourselves to spiritual authority such as pastors and elders, as wellas earthly government.Every organization works best when there is a leader who makes the final decisions inaccordance to what is right for the organization. Husbands are the leader of the family and are tolead by love. They are to be a Godly authority who their wives can submit to with ease, becauseher heart rests in the fact that He is being led by God, and that he loves her.

Wives subject to your own husbands as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22)

As wives, we are to submit to our husbands as to the Lord. Submission includeshonoring and obeying. We are to allow our husbands to lead and care for us in the same way thatwe give God place in our lives to give us direction and love us. While submission can bechallenging because of conflicting ideas and the woman’s urge to feel in control, this is all meantto be a delight for the woman. We can trust God to lead us and we feel relief and joy over Histending to us. These are to be our feelings toward our husband as our headship.Like I said earlier, we tend to pull away fast from the idea of submission because rightaway we think of situations where authority is abused. We think of husbands controlling their wives and even wanting their wives to sin. The authority of the husband is a position that is to becarried out with the motive of love, not power and control. Wives are not to submit to a husbandwho wants them to sin. We can relate this to how we submit to government. We submit to our earthly government until to do so would be sin. An example would be in Acts 5:28-30 when thedisciples continued to carry out their mandate from God although authority forbade it.In situations of abuse, women are not to submit under the impression that they are beingobedient. When a husband abuses his wife he is sinning and misusing his authority. He isviolating his role in the marriage which is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. In thisunfortunate situation, a woman should seek help from her pastor or another spiritual authority inher church, where she could receive godly counsel. The goal of this counsel is for the woman tono longer be abused and could involve the wife removing herself from the situation and lookinginto the legal procedures needed.

Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25)

The role of husband and wife isn't one of master and slave but of Christ and His church.Jesus leads His church, protecting her from evil and promoting holiness and purity. In this way,husbands should care for their wives, ready to protect them in every way and encourage themtoward spiritual maturity. A husband is to recognize his wife’s gifts, and encourage her to thrive inthem, utilizing herself for the glory of God. To love someone as you would love the church is nolight matter. This involves giving yourself up in the service of others, and tending to their needs,all the while, maintaining a vision of a bride who is spotless and blameless. This is to be the kindof faithfulness and dedication that a husband has for his wife. Although, his wife has shortcomings and makes mistakes, the husband sees her as his pure bride, washed in the blood of Christ. He continually leads her and doesn’t abandon her in times of hardship. As a Godly leader,the husband submits to God and guides the wife and his children in the way that he feels God tobe leading them. Decisions should be made by the husband and wife together. The goal is thatthe husband and wife may come to the same conclusion but this doesn’t always happen. In thesituation that the husband and wife cannot agree, the husband is to have the final say becausehis role has put him in a place of submission and accountability toward God for the decisions of the family. The wife is look at him, as being led by God and wanting what is best for the family.