• Embed Doc
  • Copy Link
  • Readcast
  • Collections
  • CommentGo Back
Download
THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA
EDITED BY MARSHALL P. WILDER
Volume VIII
Funk & Wagnalls Company

New York and London
Copyright MDCCCCVII, BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
Copyright MDCCCCXI, THE THWING COMPANY

CONTENTS
PAGE
Boston Ballad, A.
Walt Whitman
1479
Branch Library, A.
James Montgomery Flagg 1446
Chief Mate, The
James Russell Lowell
1482
Columbia and the Cowboy
Alice MacGowan
1582
Daniel Come to Judgment, A
Edmund Vance Cooke
1399
Darius Green and His Flying Machine J. T. Trowbridge
1539
"Day is Done, The"
Ph\u0153be Cary
1628
Dictum Sapienti
John Paul
1624
Duluth Speech, The
J. Proctor Knott
1606
Enchanted Hat, The
Harold MacGrath
1510
Eve's Daughter
Edward Rowland Sill
1605
Fate
R. K. Munkittrick
1554
Final Choice, The
Edmund Vance Cooke
1427
Forbearance of the Admiral, The
Wallace Irwin
1553
Gentle Art of Boosting, The
John Kendrick Bangs
1575
Girl and the Julep, The
Emerson Hough
1401
Grandfather Squeers
James Whitcomb Riley
1571
Guest at the Ludlow
Bill Nye
1503
Hard
Tom Masson
1625
Hon. Ranson Peabody
George Ade
1429
THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA
1
Icarus
John G. Saxe
1493
Is it I?
Warwick S. Price
1447
Johnny's Lessons
Carroll Watson Rankin
1570
Kaiser's Farewell to Prince Henry
Bert Leston Taylor
1568
Life Elixir of Marthy, The
Elizabeth Hyer Neff
1555
Litigation
Bill Arp
1533
Mr. Carteret and His Fellow
Americans Abroad
David Gray
1462
Mr. Dooley on Golf
Finley Peter Dunne
1630
Niagara be Dammed
Wallace Irwin
1551
Not According to Schedule
Mary Stewart Cutting
1448
Nothing to Wear
William Allen Butler
1435
One of the Palls
Doane Robinson
1601
Paper: A Poem
Benjamin Franklin
1548
Road to a Woman's Heart, The
Sam Slick
1487
Sceptics, The
Bliss Carman
1626
Staccato to O Le Lupe, A
Bliss Carman
1499
Table Manners
James Montgomery Flagg 1400
V-A-S-E, The
James Jeffrey Roche
1603
Vive la Bagatelle
Clinton Scollard
1497
When the Sirup's on the Flapjack
Bert Leston Taylor
1634
COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X.
[Pg 1399]
A DANIEL COME TO JUDGMENT[1]
BY EDMUND VANCE COOKE

Now, everything that Russell did, he did his best to hasten,
And one day he decided that he'd like to be a Mason;
But nothing else would suit him, and nothing less would please,
But he must take, and all at once, the thirty-three degrees.

So he rode the\u2014ah, that is, he crossed the\ue000I can't tell;
You either must not know at all, or else know very well.
He dived in\ue001well, well, never mind! It only need be said
That somewhere in the last degree poor Russell dropped down dead.

The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Wit And Humor Of America, Vol. VIII, by Edmund Vance Cooke.
CONTENTS
2

They arrested all the Masons, and they stayed in durance vile
Till the jury found them guilty, when the Judge said, with a smile,
"I'm forced to let the prisoners go, for I can find," said he,
"No penalty for murder in the thirty-third degree!"
[Pg 1400]

TABLE MANNERS[2]
BY JAMES MONTGOMERY FLAGG

When you turn down your glass, it's a sign
That you're not going to take any wign.
So turn down your plate
When they serve things you hate,
And you'll often be asked out to dign.
[Pg 1401]

THE GIRL AND THE JULEP
BY EMERSON HOUGH

In the warm sun of the southern morning the great plantation lay as though half-asleep, dozing and blinking at
the advancing day. The plantation house, known in all the country side as the Big House, rested calm and
self-confident in the middle of a wide sweep of cleared lands, surrounded immediately by dark evergreens and
the occasional primeval oaks spared in the original felling of the forest. Wide and rambling galleries of one
height or another crawled partially about the expanses of the building, and again paused, as though weary of
the attempt to circumvent it. The strong white pillars, rising from the ground floor straight to the third story,
shone white and stately, after the old Southern fashion, that Grecian style, simplified and made suitable to
provincial purses by those Adams brothers of old England who first set the fashion in early American
architecture. White-coated, with wide, cool, green blinds, with ample and wide-doored halls, and deep, low
windows, the Big House, here in the heart of the warm southland, was above all things suited to its
environment. It was all so safe and sure that there was no need for anxiety. Life here was as it had been for
generations, even for the generation following the upheaval of the Civil War.

But if this were a kingdom apart and self-sufficient, what meant this thing which crossed the head of the
plantation\ue002this double line, tenacious and continuous, which[Pg 1402] shone upon the one hand dark, and
upon the other, where the sun touched it, a cold gray in color? What meant this squat little building at the side
of these rails which reached on out straight as the flight of a bird across the clearing and vanished keenly in
the forest wall? This was the road of the iron rails. It clung close to the ground, at times almost sinking into
the embankment now grown scarcely discernible among the concealing grass and weeds, although the track
itself had been built but recently. This railroad sought to efface itself, even as the land sought to aid in its
effacement, as though neither believed that this was lawful spot for it. One might say it made a blot upon this
picture of the morning.

Perhaps it seemed thus to the tall young girl who now stood upon its long gallery, her tangle of high-rolled, red-brown hair held back by the hand which half shaded her eyes as she looked out discontentedly over the familiar scene. Miss Lady\ue003for thus she was christened by the Big House servants; and she bore well the

The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Wit And Humor Of America, Vol. VIII, by Edmund Vance Cooke.
BY EDMUND VANCE COOKE
3
of 00

Leave a Comment

You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...
You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...