MEEKIE It’s as

mad as a FREE!
MONTHLY
Issue 5 A L! June 2007
badger
P EC I
YS
CEL EBRIT

Read our exclusive

interview with a
Hollywood celebrity!

FREE
OMEGA 66
TRACK WITH
THIS ISSUE!!

GIVE I
SOME T
HEAD
Editor’s welcome meekiemonthly
Contact details:
meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

Editor: Royston Butterscotch

Dear readers,
Well it’s good to be back. As you
know, last month I was in
hospital having penis reduction
surgery. It was awfully
embarrassing having to tuck it in
my socks all the time. (blush)
So it’s back to business– for
those of you in the UK, summer’s
here and for the lads and
Cover girl: Holly from Walsall
ladettes of the Northern
Hemisphere, time to enjoy the sun. As for me– Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and
www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly
well, my family and I are off to West Wales for a
few days– my surgically enhanced wife Brenda Meekie Monthly is a free
subscription-based E-Magazine.
is getting my rubber ring ready for my...erm… To subscribe, email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk
visit to the pool. My young daughter Cindy has A small portion of our profit goes to Cancer
Research
been busy buffing up her ‘Brazilian’ (some kind
of nut I’m guessing) and young www.meekiemonthly.com
Timmy has been buying some
top-shelf magazines to take with Royston
him. Juggz Ahoy! Editor
Have a great June. MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2
Contents Issue 5 June 2007

In this month’s Meekie Monthly: WRITERS WANTED

5. Interesting facts about horses We’re looking for writers to write for our
hallowed pages. You don’t need any experience–
6. Celebrity Showdown just the cheek to think that you’d be good
8. The BIG Interview– with a real life celebrity! enough. Go on back yourself– drop us a line at
meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk
9. Letters page
13. The Lads’ Page– Tits and Beer. Wahay! Comment
14. Agony Aunt– your problems solved
15. Rugby World Cup Preview– how to punch
someone in the face Say NO to
16. Page 16
20. A Flowchart Thing that says
you’re lazy.
the Severn
22. Fok knows
24. Have a look yourself
I read Meekie M
onthly
Barrage
26. Siop Meekie Monthly re I watch
every night befo Of all the fokkin sea in the world, you
lieve
C agney & Lacey I be want to build a barrage on my fokkin
28. Horoscopes thly is
that Meekie Mon doorstep to power the rest of the UK.
nd to
30. Sport great quality, seco You know where you can stick it
none.

A Pope, Italy MEEKIEMONTHLY

MEEKIE Page 3
For our new readers….
(both of them) …..

ki e?
m ee
t i s a
ha This is a drawing of
W a meekie by a well-
renowned artist
Sigh! Do we really have to go through this every
month?

For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with
a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is
nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to Royston says:
celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since
1988.
“For some meekies,
having a headache can
This is a real-life be a real headache.
The pharmaceutical
photo of a meekie industry can overcome
this by building bigger
tablets to take”
Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the whole
world over– even in places like Germany
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 4
 u n e ve r
yo
101 thin
ab
g
o
s
ut ho r se s
k new
of
an so ld ie r ca lle d Terry. He was fed up
Rom rt
H or se s w er e in ve nted in 204 AD by a e to he lp hi m pu ll his rag and bone ca
1. hors
ng hi s ow n ch ar io t, and invented the in th e S ec on d W or ld War when they
pulli avily ade
nd . om in en tly in w ar s. They were used he
y w ar s, in cl ud in g that one that they m
arou ed pr man
ro ug ho ut hi st or y, horses have featur y po si tio ns . H or se s have also started
2. Th to arm
e dr op pe d fro m a height of 3000ft on
wer g.
ab ou t. w hy th ey ne ve r sa y anything interestin te n m ad e be tw ee n horses and Italian
a film ains on is of
se s ha ve ve ry sm all brains which expl ry la rg e lo ve gl ands. This comparis
3. H or have ve
al lio ns ar e th e m al e horses and they of th em al l, th e G rand National, which
4. St ted by the biggest ra
ce
w ho al so ha ve large love glands. e U K ge t ve ry ex ci th eir jo ck ey an d th e jockey getting up
men , e in th to
us ed for racing. Peopl tio n of horses falling on
5. Som e ho rs es ar e
y se ei ng th e ag e ol d tra di
ho rs es never do it again.
on ce a ye ar . Lo ts of pe op le enjo
sh m en t is 10 0% ef fect ive and th e
vi ng ju st th e on e leg that they hop
is he ld e puni for ha
oo tin g th e ho rs e as a reprimand. Th S ho rt H ig hl an d B reed are renowned
and sh the
t ho rs es ar e bo rn with 4 legs although
6. Mos uist performance ,
on . ts ta nd in g ve nt ril oq
around rses. e could fly, turn in an
ou
has it that he rode
se sh oe s ar e tra di tionally worn by ho e W on de rh or se . H be en fo un d. Le ge nd
7. Hor po th ver
m os t fa m ou s ho rs e in the world is Zip rio us ci rc um st an ce s. His body has ne d ba d re vi ew s in the local paper for
8. The myste r he ha
en rid e a bi cy cl e. He died in 1986 in S om e sa y th at he was depressed afte
and ev ales.
X of f a cl iff at N as h Point in South W m e ho rses and other hors
es.
his BM tion be tw ee n so
t that went wrong. flects the great varia
his ventriloquist ac ite sh ort. Th is re
tall and some are qu
9. Horses are quite
paint a horse.
10. You can actually
.
11. If ever wanted to MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 5
 Celebrity Showdown

V
Barker Corbet t
ly
lot more cudd Looks: Ronnie
r fram e m ade him a C’s diminutive
size belied the
sturdie was a rampant
rker’s sex god fact that he
Looks: Ba chum. 8/10
le 9/10
than his litt Comic Talent:
duo, Corbett’s legen
e fu n n y man of the couch remain to dary monologue
this day, timeles s on the
idered th
Ta le n t: Often cons n t is legenda
ry s
9/10
C om ic ic ta le 10/10 Hair: Corbett st
er’s u n doubted com ill sports exactly
Bark in the 1970s. S the same hair th
life. plendid at he had
o f ha ir fo r his entire 10/10
ll head
B ark e r re tained a fu Height: Legend
has it that Ronn
Hair: 9/10 wedding– Ronn ie B met Ronnie
e ie C was stood C at a
Impressiv Corbett’s heigh on the cake. Ho
ie C, t only adds to h wever,
c om p a red to Ronn is appeal
ll but
nn ie B w asn’t that ta an
o 8/10
Height: R ry much a
tall m 9/10
Barker loo k e d v e Total:
36/40 36/40
Total:
It’s a draw! Hoorah!
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 6
 The Great
Meekie
Monthly
Giveaway!
As you may well have noticed, you’ve received a
lovely MP3 of Cardiff superband, Omega 66,
courtesy of your favourite E-mag, Meekie Monthly.
Omega 66 reformed in June 2006, keeping two of the
original members of Dark Chunk, who famously
played at the Glastonbury Dance Tent in 2004.

Your track has been exclusively mixed by renowned DJ, Angel Farringdon, and you
can get the whole of Omega’s brand new album by visiting them at
www.omega66.com or www.myspace.com/omega66.

Omega’s guitarist Krik has also been exclusively interviewed on page 17!
“are currently awaiting reviews of their debut album and recent live shows.
Don’t miss them on Radio One’s Annie Nightingale Show on 4th June.

If you have a band you’d like to promote through the beautiful pages of Meekie
Monthly, please drop Royston a line at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 7
The
Mee
kie M

BIG Excl
usiv
onth
e!
ly

Interview
This month, we’ve
spoken to the beautiful
Hollywood actress,
famous for appearing in
CSI, ER, Friends, What day is your bin day?
Thursday
Charmed, Joan of Arcadia
and loads of other films
Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day?
including The Parent Trap Multiple times, yes, multiple times
and Inspector Gadget II.
Elaine is a talented writer If you get in a taxi on your own, do you get into the front
and musician in her own or the back?
right, and tells us that Back seat "Driving Miss Elaine" style
she’s been to London and
seen Big Ben and also What did you have for tea last night?
seen the film My Fair Astro Burger and fries to celebrate Memorial Day. Yeah baby!
Lady.
We think she’s a bit crazy, Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day?
but we love crazy women! Multiple times, yes, multiple times
Find Elaine at
www.elainehendrix.com What’s your favourite yellow crescent-shaped fruit?
Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

In response to many reader enquiries–

yes, these interviews are real! MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 8
 M eeki e M o n t h l y . . . .
Dear rs pa g e. . c os we
Your favourite lette
s ay so
TV Made My Son a

Who says television

old son got bitten by
Maesteg in a red su
Superhero
doesn’t influence yo
a spider last week an
it saving people from
ung children? My 8
d now runs around
year
(which is quite comm burning buildings
on in Maesteg). Who
children in monsters? says television turns
My son is a hero!
Train Trauma
Egg-sploding Ethel Les Gardner
I am a train conductor and I’m sick Maesteg
me round last
My mother-in-law Ethel ca of mothers getting on to my trains,
her one of my
week for tea and I cooked with six or seven kids and with I’ve enclosed a pic of
him in his last heroic
wards, I realised adventure
speciality omelettes. After prams wider than a pickup truck. It’s
te and my
that the eggs were out of da my job to help these lazy women get
hours later
fears were confirmed a few their troop of clones on and off my
e salmonella
when she detonated an hug train. I even had one woman tell me
refurbished
salvo in the pan of my newly to learn some manners after I told
bathroom. here where she could stick her
let and see a
Now, every time I visit a toi pram. Perhaps these women should
er, I think of
similar straw-coloured splatt learn to keep their legs closed
of your readers
my mother-in-law. Do any instead?
es that remind
have any similar visual cu
them of someone? Andy
Merthyr Tydfil
Colin Cupcake
Colchester

Pointless Penguins
ogramme. Hi. My name’s Dan and
do wn to wa tch th e BBC’s Planet Earth pr I’m your new
d I sa t in a
Last night, my wife an ng uin s on . Th ey ke ep warm by standing Spiderman. As you can
th all the pe y all get a
We watched the one wi on the ou tside of the huddle so that the see, I’m in a bit of a
ns to go
huddle, taking it in tur pickle right now. But
mi dd le. nse to move
turn in the warm
to do th at, the n wh y haven’t they got the se cheek to
with a bit of Spidey-
e ss. And they’ve got the
If they’ve got the sens
Meek magic I’ll be out in no
y-mi nd ed ne ie Mo
Talk abou t blo od psih! nthly
somewhere warmer? bird wo ul d ge t ou t of that dump pretty shar Wales time– ready to fight
Any sensible
call themselves birds!
UK crime wherever it
World happens….

David Kagool
Saltash, Cornwall MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 9
 Back Issues
We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie Monthly
left. We’ve been doing Meekie Monthly since
1988, but we only launched the electronic
version back in March
2007. We think you’ll
find that we’re getting
The Isle of Wight bigger and
better every month.
Meekie Monthly
Competition Time! If you’ve missed out on
the earlier issues, fear
not– you can order them, free of charge, from
Yes, here’s your chance to win your very own island! us. I think we’re a bit
too good to you, but
It’s got everything that you’ve ever wanted– beaches, some grass and
even a regular boat service to the mainland. All you have to do to win this then we think that in
splendid prize, is answer this very easy Isle of Wight question: this day and age, you
deserve something for
free.
What is Cilla Black’s real name?
All you need to do is
Send your answers on a postcard (or in an email) to email us at

The_Precislla_White_Competition@meekiemonthly.com meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk, requesting which

issue you want. We’ve got them all from March
All entries must reach us by June 30th.
onwards. Think– they might be worth something
in a few years’ time. Probably not though.
Stop press! Due to an oversight by one of my family members, I do not in fact, own
the Isle of Wight and am therefore unable to offer it as a prize in this competition. I am very sorry for all
distress caused and I will do my best to find a suitable alternative. Isle of Man any good anyone? MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 10
 Get noticed

Even in small business, image is everything

Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters ·

advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing

www.beacon-media.co.uk

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 11
 Advertisement

Ginger
Person
of the
Month
Every month, Meekie
Monthly celebrates those
wonderful ginger people
by interviewing them

Name: Rachelle
Location: Ely, Cardiff
Why I love being ginger: It's eye catching and
certainly not boring. Out of a group, the redhead is the
first one you spot! Also we're least likely to go grey!
Having red hair feels special cos it's quite a rarity, and
takes up something like 2% of the population, how cool is
that?

I read Meekie Monthly

before every fight. It
gives me an edge over
my opponents.

Vladamir Nokabolokov MEEKIEMONTHLY

MEEKIE Page 12
 ot baller !!
r v iew a fo
e
We int l?
y in g footbal
la
h a t ’s it like p
MM: W q uit e nice o otball?
n : I t’s c k a f
Dar re ki
fa r c an you
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MM: Ho
ite far r?
Dar re n : Q u
k e fa ll ing ove Meekie Monthly
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hat’s it
reader
M M : W
e a ll y h ur ts
b all h its full of the month– M
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MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 13
 Dear Dear Briony
My daughter is an embarrassment

My daughter has the most hugest head that the world has ever seen. Every time we
Briony….. go to Kwik Save, children stop and stare. Last Christmas, the Council even decorated
it and made her stand outside the Town Hall for 7 weeks.
However, she's now become depressed. She's become a recluse and all she does all
Your embarrassing problems day is sob on her (huge) pillow.
published to the world What can I do?
Sarah
Newcastle
I can’t get laid
I’ve got good news for you Sarah. Soon, you won’t have to shop at quick save any more.
What is the best way to ensure that I get laid on my You’ll be able to ascend to the highest rung of the grocery ladder, Waitrose. Actually do they
first date? I've spent so much money wining and even have Waitrose in Newcastle? Probably not. You’re probably at the pinnacle of
dining women and I never get to the 69ing. It's become shopping excellence already, aren’t you? Scrap that. My point was that you are sitting on a
so bad that I've started turning up for the first date, goldmine. Guinness will probably pay you a million pounds a day to feature your daughter’s
saying "Hi" and then leaving again as nothing head within it’s esteemed pages. You could get hats made especially for her. What more
ever happens on the first date. does she want? You need to teach her about life: you play the hand (or head) you’re dealt
Please help
Trevor
Lincoln The Impotence o
f being Ernest
Dear Briony
Before you reach for the Roofies, Trevor, you might want My husband Erne
to consider this statistic. Only 0.001% of people named st recently com
impotent. The fa e home from the
Trevor have ever had sex. And those that did were doing ct of the matter doctors and told
take our next do is, he's not impo me that he was
or neighbour Col tent- he's just a
farmyard animals. So go on down to your town hall and and sings solo in in– he’s very im road digger. Now
the local church potent- he's on
get your name changed by deed poll. (Tip: Kevins, that he's not as choir. How can the local Counc
impotent as he I break the news il
Leslies and Kenneths are even less likely to get laid). Sally thinks he is? to my husband
Oh, Trevor? And this is just a thought, mind, you might Bath
want to stop thinking about dating as a capitalist
transaction where the woman is just a provider of a I know for a fact
Colin is not only
man can’t, you kn impotent, but he’s
service. That might be where you’re going wrong. I’m not ow, ahem, do the important too. Im
portance is when
cases other men special thing that a
sure women are very inclined to engage in orally-based ). Importance is a men do to women
to 50 or so, and yo real problem for m (and in some
sexual acts with men who think that saying “Come on u see them driving en of a certain age.
Morrison’s, swollen their little penis sh Once they get
love, I just spent fifty quid on that meal” while pushing her with their own im aped cars down
taking place. Anyw potence, you just kn th e local
head towards his crotch is foreplay. ay, about your hu ow there’s no othe
cookie like you fo sband. W hat’s to r “swelling”
r a wife? say he isn’t impo
Second thought, forget my advice about the name. Mas- tent, with a smar
t
turbating is probably the better option for you m’duck.
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 14
 Rugby World Cup Preview
Striking your opponent full in the face is illegal in most rugby games
these days. However, it does still make for exciting viewing and always In a new series,
goes down a treat with the lads down the pub. Have fun!
Meekie Monthly
counts down to
You startin’…? Step One: Pick an opponent
Preferably someone smaller than you and on his own. the Rugby World
The last thing you want is his bigger mate wading in.
Cup this
September by
Step Two:
Start an argument
looking at the
This can be for any reason whatsoever. This chap on various tactics
the left has singled out his target and is going over to
punch the little fellow firmly on the nose. used by the
Have a bunch world’s teams.
of fives you Mfmfmfmsdsjhfdfdfd!
Step Three: Deliver your blow little rotter you This month we
Strike your opponent firmly on the hooter.
look at the art of
punching your
opponent
Step Four: Make your escape
Leave the scene of the crime immediately. Ensure that your
escape route is not blocked by an larger opposing player,
referee or policeman.
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 15
ORRITE? Holby Heaven
Issue 1 June 2007 Celebrity Rikki Gallup puts her
feet up and relaxes with an
exciting episode of the BBC’s
EXCLUSIVE! flagship medical drama.
RIKKI For celebrity Rikki Gallup,
settling down to watch an
GALLUP episode of ‘Holbs’ is a life-
changing experience.
“I always have a cup of tea
SITS ON and some Hob Nobs.
“I like the drama in Holby
HER City. There’s always
someone falling over and
hurting themselves and it’s
SETTEE amazing how these actors,
who you often see in other
AND programmes, manage to
save people’s lives. Take
Nigel from Eastenders for
WATCHES instance. He’s done ever
so well to become a
HOLBY consultant. He was always
thick as shit in Eas-
tenders”.
CITY But life isn’t all about Holby
City for Rikki.
“Sometimes I’ll pop to the Above; Rikki relaxes and
shops in the day. Most of watches her favourite medical
drama
them are open 9-6 and it’s
nice to have them open all Below: Rikki poses outside her
day. It gives the shopper
nine hours to select their
small detached house just
outside Gatwick Airport
sundry goods”.
Rikki’s favourite shop is
Gregg’s, the bakers.
“They do a lovely choco-
late flake cake there. They
even put a small section of
a Flake bar on the top and
it’s nice with another cup
of tea”.
Rikki hopes to become
even more famous this
year.
“I hope to become even
more famous this year”
she says.
MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 16
 As Welsh celebrities go, Krik (he only has the
one name in honour of his childhood super-

ORRITE? hero Superted), is one of the most famous.

In some countries, he is even more famous
than that bloke out of Def Leppard. You know-
the one with one arm. I think he might have
died. Him anyway. But there’s more to Krik
Issue 1 June 2007 than just plucking the strings of love:

“I sometimes like going to Kwik Save and sniff

EXCLUSIVE! things. I can spend hours in the fabric
conditioner aisle. I just love smelling things–
“If it wasn’t for my tortoise herbs, spices, fabric conditioners, washing
I wouldn’t be here today” powders, marker pens– anything that reminds
Omega 66’s me of my childhood basically”.

Krik is Krik opens his heart to Krik’s certainly come a long way since those
days and now lives in a 14 bedroom flat in the
Above: Krik singing
Below: A recent picture (picture
Meekie Monthly about his courtesy of South Wales Speed
trendy area of Cardiff known as Grangetown,
famous for music, his sniffing and his with his 17 dogs and a tortoise called Sid.
Enforcement (Speed camera)
Department)
coming to terms with his But living in the fast lane has taken its toll on
strumming SP30 the South Wales rocker.
“I got caught driving my Fiat Uno through
in public. town at 140mph. I was only trying to clear my
carburettor. I was flashed by a camera. A
copper then pulled me over and told me that
And also he’d been waiting for me, so I told him that I
got there as fast as I could”.
for driving Krik was fined £60 and had three points put
on his licence.
quite fast
“Coming through driving rehab was hell but I
got there in the end thanks to my dogs and
tortoise”

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 17
 Advertise here for
as little as
£20

per month.
Meekie Monthly is a fast growing E-Magazine
with its roots in South Wales but with a global
readership base.You can be part of this
growing phenomenon by advertis-
ing on our hallowed pages. Just £20
will buy you a full page advert in
You?
glorious technicolour, street cred
and exposure to new clients.
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MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 18
 nv er sat i on w ith a By Josie Henley
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MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 18
 Lisa: I’m sorry, I
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speak to a call re I’m having technic
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re a t! So you w r tw o adults and e
L isa : G Ho te l, fo tay for thre
e W embley of April to s Alys: W hat?
Traveldodg esday the eighteenth
Tu
arriving on
. Is th at right? Josie: She’s gone
.
nights
Alys: Try again.
Josie: Yes. ck availabili
ty… Try for two nights.
ment while I che
t, just a mo Josie: Ok. 087019
Lisa: Grea 11966
bility.
S he ’s ch e cking availa Machine: Thank-
Josie: you for…
Josie: One
Alys: Ok. dge W em-
va ilab ility in Traveldo odge
is no a in Traveld
orry, there es available t miles from Machine: I’m Lis
Lisa: I’m s ar e sp a c a. I’m the voice
but there oint-eigh access to our be of Traveldodge. By
bley Hotel, Royal, which is zero-p te at an additional name of the Trav
st rates normally
available via our
speaking to me, yo
u’ll gain
London Pa
rk ing on si red website. Do you
c h o ic e . T here is park king will be one-hund eldodge where yo
u want to stay? know the
your first of this b oo this ?
e total cost like to book Josie: W EMBLEY
charge. Th ou n d s , would you
ve p
and sixty fi Lisa: So you’d lik
e to stay in Traveldodg
at? e W embley Hotel
Josie: W h Josie: Yes… Tu
. Is that right?
esday the eightee
smoking. nth of April…Two…
Alys: W hat? on the web
site! Yes… Two… On
ds a night e… Non-
ty-six poun
it said twen Lisa: Great! So yo
Josie: But ou like to b
ook u want to book a
’t c a tch th at. W ould y Hotel, for two adul
ts and one child,
non-smoking room
at Traveldodge W
rry, I didn stay for two night arriving on Tuesda embley
Lisa: I’m so s. Is that right? y the eighteenth of
April to
this room? oesn’t in-
fiv e p o u n ds, which d Josie: Yes.
sixty
ndred and
Josie: A hu ing. Lisa: Great, just
ark
clude car p u like to boo
k a mom ent while I check
c a tc h th a t. W ould yo availability…
’t
orry, I didn Josie: She’s chec
Lisa: I’m s king availability.
this room?
nds a night!
it s a id tw e nty-six pou
Alys: But
id.
t’s what I sa
Josie: Tha u like to boo
k
c a tc h th a t. W ould yo
’t
orry, I didn
Lisa: I’m s Continued next month……..
 How lazy are you?
Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a lazy arse

START HERE
Would you
Do you ever get yes Would you stay Would you order in try and
out of bed late? there all day? pizza, two kebabs work the
yes
and a bottle of no food off?
no coke?
no
yes no
You’re a liar. yes Are you over- Lazy arse yes
You’re also a weight?
lazy arse.
Is that pizza Would this be by
yes
no going to work getting out of bed
no
itself off? to turn the TV
Please go to Do you over?
the next square yes
maintain no
no matter how regular bowel
you got here movements? no
no
Would you use
You are in danger of a skateboard
no
exploding. Please yes to take you yes
consult a vet Only to get some across the
more pizza yes
room?

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20
 CELEBRIT
Josie: W EM

Alys: Lisa W
em
BLEY

bley?

Josie: Yes.
Y
Lisa: So you’
d like to st ay in Traveld
odge W emb
ley Hotel. Is
that right?

B y Sian H
ill
UPDATE
Lisa: W hen

Josie: Tuesd

Lisa: Staying
will yo

for
u be arriving

ay the eight

how many n
?

eenth of Apr

ights?
il.

se d up stars of
the goss on the mes
All the scandal all
today!!!
d the
ar ou nd town. I personally fin
King Kebab d with all sorts of sla pp ers
ange, and fan-
illiam . An d he is getting snstappe wa nts a bit of ‘rough’ for a ch
king Princ e W
ve into the 21 centu
ry. Mayb e he e sticking out of
idd let on ha s split up with future l Fa m ily mo ne wi th a little bit of kebab lettuc
So Ka te M time th e Ro ya and so m eo should come
hy ste ric al, and think it’s about sta r run nin g through their blood, all thos e po sh ‘ladies’. I think he
whole thing e’ wh ite un de d by ing round
ne wi th a bit m ore ‘ buy one get 2 fre m us t be terrib ly boring for him surro wn for a pr op er bird hunt, I’ll be danc
cies so m eo him , me do tional!
fresh fro m chipp ie lane! You cant blame al bir d! So W ills , if you do decide to co oth er . Jo in me if yo u like, cigarette is op
their teeth, , and find a re , bottle of Bud in the
that he’s newly single it kebab in one hand
down to Cardiff now rs es ou tfit! Do g sh
rth of life bar, in a nu
the lamppost , just no
ntly the singers
Druggie Duo or ding a sin gle together! Appare talked
illiam s an d 50 Ce nt are in talks for rec
dr ug s the y share. 50 cent has openly
eady! Robbie W re’s their love of ht by 3 armed
e joy ! Ge t in qu eue for the single alr tru e, th e lis t is endless! I mean the Ro bb ie; on ly last week he got caug
Oh th rstan da bly n th er e’s eir ‘hard
co m mo n to talk about! Unde ar res ted several times. And the th Le ms ips ! And then there’s th
ha ve a lot in havin g be en d Ex tra St reng o spent most
e for re cre ati on al drugs in the past, gle ou t 2 pa ck s of paracetamol an d ba ttery. An d there’s Robbie wh
of his lov to sm ug ence s an ed! Per-
th e ch em ist ’ secu rity guards for trying en din g tim e be hind bars for firearm off if th e feath er s came out and he chok
‘Boots – rd time, sp have got 3 ye ars
cent clearly had a ha Gary Barlow! He could
knock’ childhoods. 50 g pillow fig ht s wi th
dungarees on, havin
of it in that band with
hear the single!
sonally I can’t wait to
s are ru-
B ea rs ne w album soon, and some song
Shitney ing to be relea sing a
a shave 4 u’, and
stu dio ! Fin ally, the Princess of Pop is go - ‘Dro p me ba by one more time’, ‘I’m
ing me of the song titl es
is back in the record I can’t wait to hear so
And Britney Spears cent ‘br eakd ow n’.
on her re se from.
moured to be based ing jus t a few she could choo
ag ain ! ’ be
‘Oops I’ve lost it MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21
 MEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORY
CE LEB RIT Y This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers
and friends. It’s free to add your website on here

UPDATE
Continued but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and
their contents.

GAMING
de www.bf2-uke.co.uk
Backside Statesi ncy, as the
Am er ica during her pregna
her mum arriv ing in e Girl, says
Mel B has blamed Th e un recognisable Spic HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE
we ig ht. reaction to
piled on so much ast dinners. Her
reason she has up, by fe ed in g he r ro
rsonally, I BAGS
r mum has be en fattening her m ply be en – ‘Kiss my ass!’. Pe
he s si
out her weight ha ace on it! www.rubberylegs.com
her piss-takers ab uld write the whole of W ar and Pe
if I co
was gonna ask
MUSIC PROMOTION
Golfing Goon of golf in Scot- www.tantrum.co.uk
de cid ed to have a round
arrived in the UK
an d id to be a
Justin Timberlake ns an d groped all over. Sa
ed by fa n of his
he was bombard sed for the duratio PR
land. Apparently rity ha s be en in cr ea
m Jones
shak en up, Timberlake’s secu , it’s pr ob ab ly equivalent to To www.beacon-media.co.uk
lit tle pu blic had a
. S eeing as th e golf course was ow n Ca st le Bingos! I heard he
stay ve ry ned
g up to us e the lav in one of our e ne xt co ur se and out right flatte
turnin was on th a Curly Wurly
ichelle McManus d discarded half PUBLICATIONS
lucky escape. M e he ar d he ha
guards, when sh www.redhandedmagazine.co.uk
2 of his security
zer!
and a bottle of Ti
hrob RUGBY
Halitosis HeartT th, after www.rugbyrebels.com
m e un de r th e spotlight this mon
has co . Seems Mr
r Tom Jones, he ession this week
And talking of Si t to talk abou t he r de pr
e W elsh stud has al
so
ha s st ep pe d ou uc h of it, and th WHAT’S ON
his wife ctor of m he has slept
g hands was a fa amount of women
Jones’s wanderin st co un t of th e into bottles www.urbantraffic.co.uk
st that he has lo elsh rhythm stick’
admitted in the pa ed to di p hi s ‘W aque
st told how he lik remove a little pl
with. One conque rhap s he ne ed ed to
g foreplay ! – Pe WOMEN’S ACCESSORIES
of Listerine durin ! Ew wwwww!
re go ing ba ck to the wife www.funkandfashion.co.uk
befo

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22
 Are you as cool as a cucumber

do yo u ge t ? or do you need to visit an

How a ngr y anger management class? Let

Meekie Monthly diagnose
you with this fab quiz!
e C o rn fl ak e s w hen you open
som
u p a nd g o ne downstairs for
1. You've just w
ok en
ll th e m ilk ha s gone. Do you? y to p op to Kwik Save?
fi n d th a t a ur co at re ad
the fridge door to closing the door and putting on yo very loudly to you
rself. ing
a) sigh ge nt ly, sl ow ly
ng to K w ik S av e si g hi ng
g th a t go ne of f cabbage at a pass
mpi win
sl am th e fr id g e door shut and sto th e fo o d o nt o th e floor, before thro
b) ut a ll
ip th e d oo r o ff the fridge, pull o
c) R
ry s lo w ly an d not allowing you
g ve
car?
ul ls ou t in fr o n t of you, pedallin
ist p
'r e dr iv in g to w ork when a cycl
2. You
you?
to overtake. Do pa tie nt ly for a clearing to pa
ss
r? verse to make
ge nt ly , w ai tin g th e m to p ul l ov e o re se le ct in g re
a) sigh ing t, bef
yo ur h or n in fr us tration and gestur , dr iv in g st ra ig ht over the cyclis
b) toot elerat or
yo u r fo ot do w n hard on the acc dj us t hi s helmet and rem
ount.
c) slam re a
t th e cy cl is t d oe sn't have tim e to
m e b ir d w it h b ig wabbers. Do
sure th a d so
ss h as sa ck ed you and employe
ur bo
o rk to find that yo r?
3. Yo u g e t to w w ay back to the ca e
? om yo u r d es k and m a ki ng yo ur
k a nd m a ki n g yo ur way back to th
yo u ur stuf f fr ur des
si gh ge nt ly , be fore gathering yo fo re gat h er in g your stuff from yo
a) ole, be be
Te ll yo ur bo ss that he's an arseh ki ng ov e r h is "Y ou don't have to
b) d knoc
r? ro w in g hi m ou t of the window an
ca s, th
yo ur bo ss hard in the bollock l.
c) B o ot
h er e - b ut it he lp s" sign off the wal ti c ke t on your car. Do
you?
mad to w o rk has ju st p u t a
, y ou fin d th at a traffic warden
back to your car at least ten minut
es?
4. When you get ng to yo ur se lf? nd re m o nstr atin g fo r
a rd en and putting
g en tly , m ut te ri ion to tic ke t yo u a up th e tr affic w
a) Sigh c w arden on his decis g, stopping only to pi
ck
ng e th e tr a ffi fo re re ve rs in
b) Challe e forwards for 10
feet be
th e ca r up , dr iv
c) Start
ith the cyclist?
him in the boot w MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 24
 ugh
yo un g sc am p ha s put his football thro
me
u ar riv e ba ck at ho me and notice that so
5. Yo r his
on t w in do w. D o you? as s an d ha nd ing th e young whippersnappe
your fr en gl
ge nt ly, pic kin g yo ur way through the brok
a) sigh
ball back? kid up by his ears and
e th e ki d up th e str eet with a broom? ing insi de , pi ck in g th e
b) chas head
th e kid th ro ug h th e other window, before
c) boot
out his football.
taking him home- with e of
rt yo ur se lf by watching an episod be
se ttl e do w n w ith a few beers to co m fo
, m ea ni ng th at to da y's episode will now
6. You th e cr ic ke t has run over
An angry ma
n yesterday
do w n. U nf or tu na te ly,
Count
. Do you?
shown at a later date to watch Richard and
Judy?
ge nt ly, tu rn in g ov er o are too slow to
a) sigh ha rd on yo ur so fa ? g do wn an y pl ay er s wh
ntrol down the cricket field and m
owin
b) slam your remote co ur ca r st ra ight on to
's, taking yo
c) drive down to Lord
vilion? meone they met
make it back to the pa re latio ns hi p w ith so
exual
rtn er ha s le ft yo u, in favour of a homos
, your pa
7. When you get back
yesterday. Do you? du pl ic io us debauchery?
nt ly, al low in g them to da bb le in th eir
ha ve in fa ct le ft se ve ral hours earlier?
a) sigh ge er , before realising that
they
dl y at yo ur pa rtn
b) shout lou
ry an gr ily, un su re of what to do next?
c) Growl on the spot ve
de d no t to op en today as he's gone to
s deci
lf w ith a ba g of ch ips, but Mr Wong ha
fort yourse
8. You decide to com s?
watch the cricket. Do
you?
ca r an d he ad in g ho me for some cornflake
your
self, getting back into and
a) sigh gently to your ru nn in g of f quite fast? ip s as yo u ca n get into your back seat
be fo re man y ch
b) Smash his window nd ow , helping yourself to as lk Talk?
c) Drive your car thro
ug h M r W on g' s wi
r be at co m bo m ad e famous in 1982 by Ta
la
"It's My Life!", the popu
driving home singing f an d you wouldn’t notic
e
ur he ad w ou ld fa ll of
s yo u in the slightest. Yo on
Mostly As– No th in g bo th er on or a non-angry pers ly
u’ re ne ith er a pa rticu la rly an gr y pe rs
r so m e an ge r m an agement immediate
Mostly Bs– Yo nge fo
Yo u’ re an an im al . I suggest that you arra
Mostly Cs– MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 25
 Meekie Monthly
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IT
Siop
SOME
HEAD Meekie
Monthly
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simply fill in your name and address, cut out this
section and post if to us with a cheque for £10
(plus P&P)

Name………………………………………. Meekie
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I live
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at………………………………………………………………………… e stuff here chum
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Tidylike

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 26
ADVERTISEMENT

THE MAGAZINE FOR MEN IN WALES

www.redhandedmagazine.co.uk

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 28
 Hor osc ope s with Enog

ARIES
s").
Mar 21 - Apr 20 sn 't it? Hasn 't it? (Reader: "Yes it ha fantastic
hat a boring month it's been for you. Ha
for yo u. Every thing you do will become a
W
mises to be a stunning
month on. Sorry, I've been
Never mind. June pro nt to sle ep wit h yo u. In fact, there....oh hang
you meet will wa
success and everyone
ke. Sorry about that.
reading Leo's by mista

TAURUS u when you get

- Ma y 21 le ha ve sta rted moving away from yo
Ap r 21 y that pe op re you. Your
yes. The bo vine wonder. Have you recentl ing off . Better ke ep your legs closed if I we
Ah you're giv
be the smell of Bovril Hird.
close to them? That's lat ed to defrosting a field of cows- Thora
me re
breath smells. Lucky na

GEMINI Eurovision
May 22 - Jun 22 I think they were the ones that went into the ste of
s.
there a crap pop band called Gemini. Ye yo u up this month Gemini. A complete wa
Was n't t about su ms
Nil Pwar. W ell that jus
Song Contest and got ing a song co ntest- 18th June.
lucky da y for enter
space. Un

CANCER u seem to
June 23 - July 23 lik e.. ..e rm ...c rab pa ste. It's not wonder yo
d an aroma n't help. W hy
shells, soft centres an bs sideways also does
The crab people. Hard you wa lk in an d ou t of clu
s month. The fact that your fish tank- Friday
nights.
have lost your mojo thi da y for cle an ing ou t
rmal people? Lucky
can't you just be like no

LEO s and
- Aug 23 you do wil l be come a fantastic succes
July 24 erythi ng ur life.
mises to be a stunning month for you. Ev re hasn 't be en a better month for you in yo
June pro u. In fact, the
ll want to sleep with yo
everyone you meet wi
don't you Leo?
But you do deserve it,

VIRGO June in
g 24 - Sep 23 lef t for yo u, so yo u'll be spending most of
Au isn't much room give yourself
use this month, there out into the garden to
With Jupiter in your ho er to move th e barbe que stuff
the spiders. Rememb
the garden shed with pointy stick.
the rats out with a big
more room, and keep
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28
 Hor osc ope s with Enog

orry too much

s ca le s al l over. Not to w orist/
LIBRA a s yo u' ll de velop fish-like tu rn s in to a nightmare terr
23 ue this mont h e on the 17th
Sept 24 - Oct swimming
e sc a le s. Li terally quite tr on th . A sh o p at Kwik Sav on th e ir w a y to the local
The sign of th e same probl
em every m
after the SBS
. who were
ha s th ur lif e left in it.
though. P is ce s
a nd yo u es ca pe w ith yo
on e w ith th e baking tray
scenario, behind- the
hostage-taking ou t. Lu ck y trolley to hide
y to help
baths, stop b
ways
m o is t a nd their genitals al
SCORPIO hs are always u last month
to avoid
- N ov 22 op le st ra ig ht. Their thig o. W e to ld yo
Oct 24 turn gay pe then Scorpi right.
Sco rp io . So sexy, they g ot th e cl ap this month their ey e lid . Serves you
xy ve n
Se
for action. Sh
ame you' se and wart o
primed ready T he o ne w ith the big no
b.
wn the local pu
that munter do
on
te of f Ju ne and get started
SAGITTARIU
S you, I'd wri
D e c 21 itt a riu s. In fact, if I were
Nov 23 - is month S ag
n g m u ch to shout about th
Nothi
early.
July a month me days in
d d ay s . There'll be so
days and som
e ba an the
CAPRICORN e so m e go od ys th at w ill be badder th
Dec 22 - Jan
20 ne. There'll b the bad days
and some da
e ct a va rie d month in Ju be tte r th an
Capricorns ca
n exp ays that are u with.
m e d ay s th at are more d yt hin g ex c iting to ply yo
between and
so d to think of an
A ll in all, I can't be arse
better days.

AQUARIUS
19
Jan 21 - Feb
r you too.
That goes fo
pin the
tr y set fr om Argos and Pip
is
iniature chem spouting off m
ade-up
PISCES w alk . He a te my son's m inat io n to go
Feb 20 - Mar
20 g needs his nor the incl
e ll, it' s g etting late, the do o I h av e ne ither the time,
As for you. W y house. S
be en sh ar ting all over m them anyway.
Spaniel has do n't tak e any notice of
you. You
horoscopes to
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29
Sport
Due to the end of the sporting season, we are
unable to bring you any sports stories of any kind.
We can tell you though that we will be back in
September, when people all over the world start
playing sport again.

MEEKIEMONTHLY
MEEKIE Page 30