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A Ninth Step Amends to a Little Boy Lost Part One

A Ninth Step Amends to a Little Boy Lost Part One

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Published by Kristin McNulty
Part one of a true story, a biography of Kristin McNulty Names have been changed to protect the innocent where needed. Those real names that have been used are used with permission.
Part one of a true story, a biography of Kristin McNulty Names have been changed to protect the innocent where needed. Those real names that have been used are used with permission.

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Published by: Kristin McNulty on Dec 29, 2009
Copyright:Traditional Copyright: All rights reserved

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01/21/2011

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A Ninth Step Amends to a Little Boy Lost
(The events leading up to it and my first clean and sober outing away from home)Part One
I will strive to forgive rather than to be forgiven!
What does making an amends mean tome? Making an amends gives me the opportunity to look at my part, my behavior, my actions,and my words. How have I hurt people that have crossed my path over the years? Why did I notcare? Making an amends gives me the opportunity to admit when I have acted poorly and givesme a chance to say, “I am truly sorry”, without any expectations. Not to ask for forgiveness, butthe chance to make things right in the eyes of the people who I may have wronged. I say mayhave because there might be times that I have blown things out of proportion and carried hurts inmy heart for a lifetime when the other party involved had forgotten about it long ago. I will dowhatever is asked of me to make it right. I will do this with willingness in my heart that I acquireas I strive to be the daughter that my Father in Heaven wishes me to be. 
It so happens that I am 35,000 feet up in the air on a Delta Airlines flight
headed for Delaware. I am above the clouds, which are puffy and white. The sky looks rather dark todaylike there is a storm on the way. I am on my way to see my close friend Antonio whom has madeit possible for me accomplish the VERY First amends on my ninth step, and in my eyes longoverdue, although I was incapable of it before now. Without Antonio's help I would have beenunable to afford the cost of this trip. The name that is at the very top of my eighth step list (Step8 reads: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to themall) is that of my second son Isaiah. The need to do this amends face to face is great. I have anoverwhelming feeling that my chance at a lifetime of sobriety will be greatly increased once Icomplete my ninth step. I will have a large amount of guilt and shame that has been left behind
 
(this is what they tell me anyhow and at this point I must believe and have faith in those whohave gone before me). I have been blessed in so many ways over the past 8 months, and thewillingness to make my amends being one of those gifts. The first part of the ninth step (Step 9reads: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injurethem or others) is just being . . . Willing to do the work!I thought it would be neat to write about my trip as it happens, step by step account of myadventures over the next week. My experiences, my strengths, and my hopes!
It is 6 A.M. on December 1st, 2007
and I am in route and nervous as heck but I know with afew prayers along with a ton of willingness I can accomplish anything that I so desire in life,which includes the painful journey that I am on right now. I have been promised freedom frommyself, and the pain of the past, if I work this program with every bit of zeal that I chased thefeeling throughout my addiction.It is not always easy to make the right choices when the time comes. I do know the differencefrom right and wrong, and I believe that most of us do. I can make all of the excuses in the worldregarding my past behaviors but the truth really is that I just did not care about anything or anyone while I was “out there”.I am headed for Delaware by way of Salt Lake City, Utah where I have a two hour layover. Iam in dire need of a cigarette and some from fresh air. Ain't that a contradiction in terms? What a pain in the neck to go through all that security for a puff on a cancer stick, as I call them. Proof that I will do anything for an addiction that will, give time, cause me nothing but pain, torture,and a loss of life.I have arrived in Utah and much to my relief there is a smoking area adjacent to the gate of my next departure. Sitting in this smoke filled room I am wishing like hell that I could have
 
kicked the Nicotine Habit along with the rest of my addictions. I have 1 hour and 13 minutes lefttill they board flight #1776 to my final destination.When I first arrived in the smoking area and sat down, there were 3 young ladies sitting nextto me, chatting it up with each other, laughing loudly and talking so that everyone could hear their conversation (I think they wanted some much needed attention). Talk of Mangoes andMargaritas. How great a Mango Margarita would taste they all said, and sounding like they hadalready consumed ten too many (do not forget it is only about 8:30 AM or there about).“One is too many and a thousand is never enough. One is too many and a thousand is never enough! One is too many and a thousand is never enough!!” I hear these words repeated over andover in my head. Thumping and grinding persistently the finality of this idea into my thick skull.I finally understand what that means for me. One drink is too many because I cannot stop with just one, and a thousand drinks will never be enough to stop the pain I feel inside. It is hardsometimes (I do not put myself in this position often) watching others, who are obviously havinga good time, with slightly red cheeks and the boisterous laughter that comes along with the buzzof a few Mango Margaritas. I miss what I used to get out of a few sips from a nice glass of chardonnay or a frozen mudslide, the warm feeling throughout my body, with feeling of euphoriaup in my head. Like seeing a long lost friend after years apart, or like the mouth watering taste of cheesecake after the finest steak dinner you have ever had.It is difficult for me to believe that I can never again experience the relief you get from adrink after a hard day’s work. I will miss that, I think. I can never again take a drink to ease thediscomfort of stressful situations. I can never again celebrate happy times with a glass of champagne or a chocolate martini. Wow, never again, seems like a mighty long time to me.Luckily, this is where “one day at a time” helps me the most. I must remain in today and not

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