The Most Typical Bar in the World

Joshua Malbin307 12

th

St. Apt. 8Brooklyn NY 11215

1The Most Typical Bar in the WorldDay 1:There’s a long tradition of writing in bars. I think it’s because they’re naturally places of fantasy, of the imagination. At least of delusion. I have come to this bar to write, therefore,because I am trying to imagine new things. I have felt for some time as if my imagination werelooking down a long alley, and at the far end, where the alley met a busy street, images passed bytoo quickly to catch. I have high hopes here, though. Already, midway through my first beer,the bust of Abraham Lincoln above the mirror has started to wink at me. I’m sure of it, eventhough it was not obvious, and I only saw it out of the corner of my eye. The monkey next tohim has moved a little, too. I’m sitting right below them, there’s no way I could be mistaken.Lincoln is smiling, too.Not bad. A little limited—a statue winking is hardly earth-shattering—but a little magic inthe world is better than no magic at all. Meanwhile, to free myself I’m going to have to ask morethan usual of the reader. It’s hard enough to write without having to worry about detail, so I’mgoing to leave it up to the reader to imagine the setting here and the patrons I don’t get around todescribing.I’ll try again: I have just replaced one of the men standing at the end of the bar with anotherman, call him Moises. The Mets are playing on the TV that hangs above his head, and Moises

Joshua Malbin307 12

th

St. Apt. 8Brooklyn NY 11215

2Alou, the left fielder, just hit a home run. Moises looks a little stunned, he’s sitting there movinghis beer back and forth between his fingers. Now he turns his head to look at the two womensitting next to him. I can’t think what he should say. This is exhausting. Now he is gettingbored, he’s looking out the window at the street. Maybe Moises doesn’t like this bar. Yes, he’sdefinitely getting bored. He’s kind of boring me, too. End of Moises.Let’s see, there are two empty seats next to me, I’ll fill the farther one with a man. I feel likeI should hold off on trying to do women until later. This guy’s at least interesting-

looking

,shaved head and a goatee, and if that’s still too conventional, well, it’s the best I can do at themoment. One has to crawl before one can walk. He’s not bored, because he’s watching the ballgame on TV and drinking his beer. His only thoughts at the moment are: bases loaded, two andtwo the count, two out in the top of the fourth. Call him David. David’s easy to maintain, I’llleave him there watching the game.The batter grounds out to end the inning. I think I’ll try to get David to speak. He turns toMoises—Moises isn’t there, I got rid of him. David’s frustrated.“Crap,” he said.Baby steps. I’m only halfway through my first drink, I’m not quite ready for complexity.David goes to the bathroom, and then comes back and starts watching the ball game again. SoDavid has three things he can do: watch the ball game, drink beer, take a piss. Four, rather. Hecan say “Crap.”A woman now. At the same end of the bar as David so I can keep watching the game overhis shoulder; it’s the easiest way to keep track of his thoughts.

Joshua Malbin307 12

th

St. Apt. 8Brooklyn NY 11215

3“What will we do this weekend?” she says to her friend. Her name is Marie. Her frienddoesn’t need a name yet, she can sit and listen to the question for now. If I had to name

everyone

I’d never get anything done. Just like I could describe the bar forever and never get back toMarie, who’s still waiting for an answer about the weekend. I’m not sure what answer to giveher. It’s a difficult question, I didn’t think it through before but now I see Marie will need awhole life outside the bar to get a plausible answer.“Boating? Or maybe renting a movie?” I say, because someone has to say something, Marieis getting upset.“Who are you?” she says, her big round plain eyes swinging from her silent friend to me.“Crap,” says David.Unruly and difficult. End of Marie. Her friend looks confused. End of her friend. Not toobad, though, I kept her around for a few minutes, long enough for her to even show a mite of complexity, at least more than David, who continues to watch the ball game. He’s easy, as longas that game continues I needn’t worry about him. Marie wasn’t bad, though, maybe I’ll bringher back as a bit player later, to get an answer to that question about her weekend.Someone asks David whether the game is over yet. He says, “Crap.” The someone isn’t acharacter of mine. There were a lot of people already in here when I came in. I left them doingwhat they were doing because I don’t have time to fill the place stool by stool. It was acalculated risk. Oh well. End of David—no, the questioner has moved off, not overly worried,apparently, about David’s non-responsiveness.Between David and me sits down another man, quilted jacket and wool felt snap-cap carrying