With the emergence of text messaging and e-mails, normal human interaction is on thedecline. Texting in particular has replacedregular telephone conversation, and we nolonger have to worry about ad-lib mistakes indialogue. In fact we can edit and re-editeverything we wish to convey, so we appearcleverer, funnier, and more literate than wemay actually be. So why not use this exuberantgift from the Gods for a higher purpose? Whynot use it to text in sick to work?
(Editor's note: Proceed with caution. If youneed a reminder of the dangers of texting insick,click here.)
Below is a tried and tested way to text in sick to work. I know it works,because I use it. I use it all the time. In fact, I’m using it right nowwhich is why I’m sitting on my firm ass writing this beautiful piece of slightly arousing art. Oh my God, did I just say that? It’s a pity mydelete button is broke, otherwise I’d use it. Anyway, here’s how itworks.
The Day Before
When you are in work the day before you plan to text in sick, you mustdrop some hints to your boss and colleagues that suggest you may notbe feeling 100%. Let everyone know that you are feeling tired,feverish, and extremely weak. If you can actually leave work early thenyou are on the path to freedom already my delicious-young-job-raging-warrior. Note that most of the time you will not be allowed to leaveearly, but you have already put in the necessary ground work for yoursick day.
The Pre-Sick Text
Before you go to bed that night, prepare a text. You will send this textmessage about three hours before you are due to arrive into work. Thisgives the impression that you have been awake all night. It also showsyour boss that you are thinking about work, which suggests you are aconcerned employee. Also this text will not actually say you won’t bein. All we are doing here is suggesting that you MAY not be in. So whenyou do text in sick later, the boss will not be that surprised. Also, do
not worry about getting up early in the morning to send the text, asmost telephone providers will have some sort of web based text youcan schedule, which will be sent from your number. The text should beshort and simple. Something like, 'Hi, I’ve been up all night vomiting,I’m going to try to go to sleep now and I will let you know how I feellater.'
The Sick Text
After you have sent your pre-sick text, you must then send the sicktext which will tell your boss that you won’t be in. You should send thistext about 10-15 minutes after the expected time of your arrival. Thiswill also help, because again the boss will not be surprised when hereceives the news. All of these hidden suggestions will allow the bossto get used to fact that you may not be in. We continually expose himto the suggestion of you calling in sick, so when we do it he will be de-conditioned to it (his emotional response will not be as strong). Thetext message should be to the point. Say you will not be in, as you arefeeling terrible. You have been up for most of the night. At the end youshould say you will call later in the day to let him know how you arefeeling (which of course you will not). At the very end of the text youshould try to add in some humor. Humor is a good way of disguisingdishonesty. But remember, the message must be as short as possible.People who lie always give away un-necessary information, and say toomuch.
Points to note:
The best day to text in sick is a Friday. The reason for this is becauseyour boss will more than likely be happier on a Friday. Also, he has theweekend to forget that you text in sick. On a scale of time versusemotion, emotion associated with an event becomes weaker as timeprogresses. So even if he is pissed off, he will be less pissed off if twodays have elapsed in between. If he asks you on Monday, why you only“text” in sick, tell him that you were just feeling so ill that you couldn’tcall. Then distract him from this question, by telling him that you stillfeel terrible, but you simply could not stay at home for another day,because you were so bored and just want to get back to work. You canprobably get away with doing this once every 6-8 weeks, depending onhow the first one goes.Now go, be free, run naked through the lush meadows, go surfing inthe deep blue sea, climb a tree, or get drunk with friends whilst cliff diving, but please do not go back to bed. You have a day off. Use itwisely my friend, for tomorrow we die.
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Texting In Sick
Text message your boss and take the day off!
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