The Big Bang Theory

In Space No One Can Hear You… Text

(Fourth Draft)

Kenneth Lease
Fade in on guys living room Leonard, Sheldon , Penny, Raj, Howard , and Bernadette are
sitting eating dinner.

Howard
Anything special going on for New Years Eve?

Leonard
Nothing that I am aware of, Penny?

Penny begins to answer Sheldon interrupts.

Sheldon
Nothing special? How, can you say nothing special? You know in Austria New Years
Eve is celebrated with a national broadcast of The Blue Danube by Johann Straus. While
in Scotland New Years is called Hogmanay and is celebrated by exchanging gifts of
whiskey. The Italians refer to it as Notte di San Silvestro or the Night of St. Sylvester,
whose feast day is December thirty-first. Although I’m not sure why that makes it
customary to wear red underwear.

Bernadette
So, are you doing something special?

Sheldon
Well, this is America. We’re watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve.

Howard
JT’s is having a Roaring 20’s theme party. There’s going to be a costume contest.

Bernadette
Oh, well now that sounds like fun.

Penny
Bernadette, we could go as flappers. I’ve got the perfect vintage dress for you to wear.
Want to try it on?

Bernadette
OK

Girls exit leaving door open

Howard
Well they’re taken care of. What are the four of us going to go as?

Sheldon
Four? What about Dick Clark?

Howard
 What are the THREE of us going as?

Leonard
We could be the Stooges.

Raj
There’s going to be a ton of stooges. Do we want a repeat of the Planet of the Apes
marathon?

Sheldon
Planet of the Apes marathon? I don’t remember going to that.

Howard
Hey, we could be the Marx brothers.

Leonard
Yea, that sounds good. But, who gets to be Groucho.

Howard
Hello, short Jewish with dark hair. You could be Chico, his real name was Leonard.

Leonard
That’ll work.

Sheldon
You went to a Planet of the Apes marathon without me?

Raj
Great, that leaves me with who? Zeppo? No, I want to be Groucho.

Howard
You can be Harpo.

Raj
No. It’s Groucho or nothing.

Leonard
OK.

Leonard exits and returns with Penny.

Leonard
Now, tells us why you should be Groucho.

Raj goes to laptop and types. Taps enter twice resulting in two blasts of Harpos’ horn.

Howard
Harpo it is.
Opening theme

Scene opens in work cafeteria. Howard is sitting alone at a table piled with books.
Leonard, and Sheldon are sitting at another table. Raj enters with tray and sits across
from Sheldon.

Raj
Hey. What are you guys staring at?

Leonard
Trying to figure out what Howard is up to.

Raj
He told me it was a super secret project, and he wasn’t allowed to talk about it.

Leonard
Oh, so what is it.

Raj
I don’t know. Now that you mention it, he wouldn’t talk about it.

Leonard
Uh hu. Curious.

Raj
Very… Anyway. I found a classic auto parts store that carried the horn I needed for my
costume so I am all set. What time are you picking me up.

Leonard
Doors open at seven. We’ll pick up Howard and Bernadette then be at your place around
6:30?

Raj
I’ll be waiting with horns on.

Leonard’s cell phone rings

Leonard
Hello? Hey Pen. I’ll see you guys later.

Leonard exits. Sheldon is staring at Raj.

Raj
What?

Sheldon
You went to a Planet of the Apes marathon without me.
Scene guys apartment living room. Sheldon in kitchen making tea. Leonard enters from
bedroom in Chico costume to jacket hanging on chair goes through pockets getting keys,
wallet… and transferring to costume coat.

Leonard
We’re leaving soon. Sure you don’t want to come?

Sheldon
No. Dick Clark, Ryan Seacrest, and I will be forming our own triumvirate this evening.

Penny in costume enters from hallway door doing the silent movie star walk to middle of
living room and strikes a pose.

Penny
I’m ready for my close-up Mister DeMille.

Leonard
Wow. Look at you.

Penny
I know, Why did beaded dresses ever go out of style?

Sheldon
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. That line is from the Billy Wilder movie Sunset
Blvd which was set and released in 1950. Although the line was said by Gloria Swanson,
who was playing Norma Desmond a silent movie star from the 1920s which on reflection
is probably the reference you were going with.

Leonard
(Exiting with Penny)
And on that note. We’ll be pretty late Sheldon, so don’t wait up

Sheldon
Wasn’t planning to.

Scene Raj is sitting at bar, bartender hands him a drink, looking lonely and dejected.
Dance party is taking place behind him. Band playing is VERY loud, drowning out all
voices. Howard comes spinning out of crowd.

Howard
(drunk, speaking rapidly)
Hey, buddy how’s it going? You need another one? On me.

Howard signals to bartender.

Raj
What?
 Howard
This is some kick ass party, or what. Bernadette says If I play my cards right I might get
to twelfth base tonight. (dances a little jig)

Raj
What?

Bartender sets beers down in front of Howard and Raj. Bernadette comes spinning out of
crowd to drag Howard back in. Raj watches them go with a WTF was that look on his
face. Penny and Leonard slam into the bar behind his back, causing Raj to spin about in
surprise. Penny is on top, they are kissing passionately. Raj watches this for 10-15
seconds makes to tap them on the shoulder but stops. Watches another 10-15 seconds,
and moves to tap again, but stops. Finally he turns back to face the bar trying to ignore
them. They eventually slide away down the bar. A woman (Emily), long curly hair,
dressed as Charlie Chaplin, but not hiding the fact that she is a woman, walks up to the
bar a couple spots down from Raj takes off hat and peels off moustache. Raj is watching
her do this.

Raj
(as music hit’s a crescendo the audience can‘t even hear him)
Hi, I’m Rajesh

Emily shakes head and tilts to side indicating that she can’t hear him.

Raj
(as music hit’s a crescendo the audience can‘t even hear him)
I’m Raj, and you are?

Emily gives makes motion to ear that she can’t hear him. Raj turn back to bar dejected.
Emily pulls cell phone from pocket typing as she steps next to Raj. Taps him on shoulder
and shows him the screen.

Emily
(text)
Text me @ 555-9999

Raj smiles big and pulls his phone out.

Raj
(text)
I’m Rajesh, and you are…

Emily
(text)
Emily

Raj
 (text)
It is a distinct pleasure to make your’ acquaintance. May I buy you a drink?

Emily
(text)
Light beer please.

Raj flags bartender and signals for 2 more beers.

Commercial

Scene in bar. Raj and Emily are standing close together texting each other laughing
animatedly. Crowd behind them is screaming

Crowd
3... 2... 1... Happy New Year

Cut to Penny and Leonard wedged in the corner of the bar and wall kissing.

Cut to Howard and Bernadette on the dance floor kissing.

Cut to Sheldon standing in the apartment by himself in front of the television. Blows
once on a horn. Picks up a popper and cautiously discharges it.

Sheldon
Well that’s enough of that.

Sheldon picks up a dust buster and starts vacuuming up confetti.

Scene, Raj’s apartment. Camera pans around apartment as cell phone rings. Camera
comes to rest looking across cell phone sitting on nightstand into Raj’s face, he is laying
in bed. Raj finally reaches out and answers phone.

Raj
(reading text message)
Good morning?

Raj rolls over as camera pulls back revealing Emily sitting up in bed. She waves her
phone at him. Camera cuts to Raj looking sheepish, waving his phone back.