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Do-It-Yourself Marriage Preparation Course

An open approach

People are more likely to understand what they figure out for themselves
than what someone else figures out for them

Jewish version
4a
Check for the most recent revision at:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/17771454/DoItYourself-Marriage-Preparation-Course-An-Open-Approach

This course is in the public domain and may be freely distributed


Marriage marks the beginning of building a home together with your partner.

You have a lifetime to do that.

Following a marriage preparation course is building the foundation.

You have your engagement period to do that.

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His Notes
If you like, you can start off by writing down here

what you would like to achieve by taking this marriage preparation course.

When you’ve finished the course, come back and take a look at it.

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Her Notes
If you like, you can start off by writing down here

what you would like to achieve by taking this marriage preparation course.

When you’ve finished the course, come back and take a look at it.

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Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION...................................................................................................... .....7
BEFORE STARTING YOUR COUPLE EXERCISES.............................................................9
SECTION ONE...........................................................................................................11
A. FUN LEARNING ACTIVITIES................................................................................11

B. DISCOVER MORE ABOUT EACH OTHER..............................................................14

C. LEARN FROM OTHERS.......................................................................................17

SECTION TWO................................................................................................... ........18


A. WHAT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT NOW..............................................................18

B. DIGGING DEEPER.............................................................................................. .20

1. Communication Skills ....................................................................................22

2. Resolving Conflicts ........................................................................................23

3. Expectations in Marriage ...............................................................................24

4. Money Matters ............................................................................................. ..25

5. Recreational Activities ...................................................................................27

6. Children & Parenting Views ...........................................................................28

7. Family / Parents / Community Issues ............................................................29

8. Husband / Wife Roles ................................................................................. ....30

9. Family Backgrounds ......................................................................................31

10. Religious Values / Practices .........................................................................33

12. Sex ..................................................................................... .........................36

13. Health ...................................................................................................... ....38

14. Other issues.................................................................................................39

C. ASKING AND LISTENING....................................................................................40

D. I FEEL LOVED WHEN …................................................................................. .....43

E. I LOVE YOU BECAUSE ….................................................................................... .45

SECTION 3...................................................................................... ..........................49


GOALS...................................................................................... .............................49

Personal Goals.......................................................................................... ..........49

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Couple Goals............................................................................. .........................49

SECTION 4...................................................................................... ..........................53


GETTING ALONG WITH IN-LAWS............................................................................53

Looking at differences
............................................................................................................ ...............56

When there’s tension


............................................................................................................ ...............57

Boundaries
............................................................................................................ ...............59

SECTION 5...................................................................................... ..........................60


QUESTIONS ABOUT COMMITMENT.........................................................................60

Fine-tuning things........................................................................................... ....60

Sexual unfaithfulness.........................................................................................60

Divorce.............................................................................................. .................60

SECTION 6...................................................................................... ..........................62


GETTING MARRIED............................................................................................. ....62

SECTION 7...................................................................................... ..........................64


JEWISH MARRIAGE DOCUMENTS............................................................................64

Ketubah.............................................................................................. ................64

Binding arbitration agreement...........................................................................64

SECTION 8...................................................................................... ..........................66


POWER AND CONTROL..........................................................................................66

SECTION 9...................................................................................... ..........................69


IN CONCLUSION..................................................................................... ................69

Something I learned about “us” during this course:...........................................69

Something I learned about “me” during this course:.........................................69

This course was helpful to us in this way:...........................................................69

SECTION 10.................................................................................... ..........................70


WEDDING PLANNING.............................................................................................70

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INTRODUCTION
It boggles the mind that many couples spend more time planning their wedding &
honeymoon than they do their marriage. After all, a wedding is a day; a marriage is for a
lifetime.

Some think they don't have time for marriage preparation, or that it’s not necessary, or
that it's going to be a hassle.

You don't have to choose between having a great wedding and having a great marriage.
You can have both.

Think how much better things can be with a little effort on the front end. You'll get a
heads-up to your relationship's tricky issues & have some compromises already worked
out. You'll know that your mate cares enough about the long term relationship to put
some effort into it. You'll begin your marriage with more realistic expectations. Having
worked through this course material, you’ll be more settled and confident on your
wedding day.

And getting a good start to your marriage is very important.

Advantages of the do-it-yourself course:


• Do it at your own convenience with privacy in your own home or at the park.
• Cover the same subjects as you would in a counselor's office.
• Have fun learning together about each other and marriage.
• Build confidence in your relationship’s strengths. Explore need/growth areas.

Some sections of this course include written exercises that you should do independently
of each other before sharing and discussing what you have written. To facilitate this,
please print two copies of this document.

No amount of marriage preparation will solve all the problems that will come up in your
marriage. You don’t know what they are until life comes at you. But marriage
preparation can reduce the number of unpleasant surprises.

Be honest with yourself and with your partner in your discussions and when completing
the written exercises. Don’t just say what you think he or she should, wants, or needs to
hear.

When you’ve finished this course, keep all the pages and competed exercise sheets in
an envelope with your other important documents. Whatever life has in store for you,
years from now you will be glad that you have them to look at again.

Best wishes to you as you prepare for your life together as husband and wife!

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GOING BEYOND THIS COURSE
Most couples get the most out of marriage preparation when they follow a course in a
group with other couples, or privately, under the guidance of an experienced teacher. It’s
not always best to only go it alone. Having someone to guide you can help keep things
on track, diminish any tensions that might arise, and make sure that you’re having fun
too. On the other hand, for some couples the do-it-yourself approach might be a good
way to go.

Other things you can do beyond this course before you get married include:

1. Bride: Find an experienced kallah teacher. Groom: Find an experienced chatan


teacher. Hopefully, you will develop a relationship with your kallah/chatan teacher
that will last well into your marriage. This should be a person you trust and can
turn to for guidance about things that you might not be comfortable talking about
with someone else. Kallah and chatan classes before and after the wedding can
be enormously beneficial.

2. Attend marriage and marriage preparation seminars.

3. Participate in a marriage mentoring program.

4. Face to face premarital counseling with an experienced Rabbi, licensed therapist


or marriage counselor.

5. Read marriage books, listen to marriage tapes, etc. and discuss together.

This marriage preparation course can also help you decide what steps you need to take
next. For instance, if you decide you need to go for face to face counseling, this course
will have helped you pin-point key areas for discussion.

In the meantime,
relax and remember to have fun while you work your way through this course,
especially if you hit any bumps along the way.

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BEFORE STARTING YOUR COUPLE
EXERCISES
Review the Following Principles on Communication and Conflict
Resolution

1. Communication takes time. Commit to take the time now & throughout
your marriage to communicate. It is the lifeblood of your relationship.

2. Truly listen to each other, without judgment. Test your understanding


by repeating back in your own words what you hear your partner say. If
you get it wrong, try again.

3. Honestly express your thoughts & feelings to your partner. On the


other side, be ready to accept what your partner says.

4. Remember that every relationship has conflicts. To start with men are
from Mars and women are from Venus! When you have a conflict:

► Be clear. Don't expect your partner to know what you're thinking.

► Deal with it. Often resolving differences is a process that takes


time. But unresolved issues do not go away. Resentments can
build over years.

► Control your anger. Anger & other defensive tactics shut off
communication. You may need to take a walk & delay discussing
something. If so, agree on a time to come back to it within 24 hrs.
Come back to it at the agreed time. Repeat if necessary.

► Don’t assign blame. Don’t use phrases like, “you always…”,


“you never…”

► Clearly define the problem. Don’t bring other issues into the
conflict.

► Compromise. Decide or negotiate a mutually agreeable solution.


Think about what you really need vs. what you want and what you
are willing to give up. Work out a solution that combines each of
your individual needs. Then put it to the test. Remember, one
person giving in isn’t compromise.

► Stay committed. In most cases, people can resolve their


differences. When you do, it will give you confidence that

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problems don’t have to defeat you. Your relationship will be
stronger & you will feel more secure in it.

► Seek outside help if needed. If you hit a snag, sometimes


having a third party to give feedback and direction can be helpful.
Contact a trained Rabbi or other trained facilitator for guidance.

► You may want to print out an extra copy of this page and keep it
close.

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SECTION ONE
A. FUN LEARNING ACTIVITIES

Who’s right?
One of the benefits of listening to our partner is that it helps us see things
from their perspective. Here are some questions you might wish to discuss:

1. Is there a subject you’ve been discussing where there is no right or


wrong?
2. How does remembering this principle of “perspective” help in a
marriage?
3. What are some areas in which men and women have different
perspectives?

Stupid is as stupid does

Everyone has stupid arguments! Here’s one stupid argument: A husband was
sitting in front of his TV eating from a bag of LAYS potato chips when he
pulled from the bag the biggest potato chip you’ve ever seen in your life. He
starts holding it in the air, waving it around and bragging as if he had the
made the chip himself. All is fine until his wife reached over and crunched his
potato chip! He got mad and an argument followed. Can each of you think of
a stupid argument you’ve heard (maybe you were in it), and then answer the
following questions.

• What made the argument stupid?


• Why do you think it became an argument?
• How could the argument have been avoided?

Here are more questions you may want to discuss, especially if you tend to
argue a lot:

• Are there certain conditions where we argue the most?


• Are there some “rules” we could establish for when and how we discuss
differences?

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• Do we believe that all disagreements must be resolved?
• What do we do if there is an unsolvable problem?

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Fix this problem

You are the counselor! What would you say to these couples?

• She likes her family to drop in anytime to visit. He thinks it’s rude and
inconsiderate for them to do so.

• He bought a new truck without talking to her about it. She’s upset
because they are having trouble paying for their bills.

• She’s ready to have a baby. He says it’s still too soon.

Think of other couples you know of at work, in the family, etc. and problems
they have had and how you would solve them.

Discussing other couple’s problems will help you to reveal to each other your
perspectives on how problems are solved.

Talk to me like this…

When it comes to communication and expressing love in a relationship,


understanding personality differences is key.

Do a short personality test online that tells you how to best love and how to
communicate to your spouse given their unique personality. We tend to want
to love and communicate to our partner in the way we like, rather than the
way our partner likes. This exercise will help you see things from the
perspective of the other person.

You can find a personality quiz yourself online, or try this one:
www.personalitytype.com/

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B. DISCOVER MORE ABOUT EACH OTHER

My Uncle Left Me a Million Dollars!

It’s fun to dream, and our dreams say a lot about what is important to us.
Let’s say you favorite uncle left you a million dollars! What would you do with
the money?

You might want to write out your answers separately, and then come
together to discuss what you’ve written.

You can learn a lot about each other’s aspirations, values and hopes.

My Best Family Vacation

This is a simple and fun exercise and one in which you can learn a lot about
each other. Each of you describe your favorite vacation and what made it so
great.

Think about an activity that seems to bring families close together. Think
about the problems encountered along the way but that pull you through as
a family.

Think about how you can use these examples to make your marriage and
someday your family strong and close.

It’s not necessarily how far you go, and how much money you spend. It’s
what you do and what happens along the way. What are your thoughts?

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Two-Way Learning
Respect for each other is very important for a healthy relationship. One way
of showing respect is by valuing the differences between us. There are
different types of intelligence.

One person may be a very good mechanic. Another person might be able to
write a book about how to disassemble a car engine and then put it back
together again, but be incapable of actually doing it. There are many kinds of
“smarts.” Some are socially intelligent. They have a natural ability to relate
well to others. Other people may not be so good in social settings, but can
logically identify a problem, come up with solutions and solve it. Our
vocations differ. Over a period of time we acquire knowledge and develop
skills that others do not have.

What is something each of you knows a lot about that the other knows little
about?

What are each of your unique gifts and abilities?

Teach each other something. Take time to listen and learn from each other.
Your partner will feel valued and respected.

Try On Another Pair of Shoes


Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. (Ladies, if he literally wants to wear your
clothes, you may want to get him help).

Be the other person and describe what your day is like. We all know what our
day is like and all the problems we have to deal with. But what is my
partner’s day like? Do your best to try to understand their unique challenges.
What’s it like being them? Who are the people they deal with? What
expectations do they face from others?

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What’s it like having you as a partner?

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C. LEARN FROM OTHERS

Good and Bad Examples


Does this sound too much like going to school? No need to go to the library
for this research though. One of the best ways to learn is to look to role
models, and even bad examples can teach us.

• Each of you think of someone you know who has a successful marriage…
not just long, but what you consider a good marriage. Each of you go
separately & talk to the husband or wife and ask them about their
marriage (asking will compliment them). Come back together and
compare notes. What did you learn about marriage from your research?

• Each of you describe a person or persons whom you consider to be an


exceptional father or mother, or husband or wife. Of course, explain your
choices…what makes them great in your estimation?

• Describe a really bad marriage that you are aware of. What makes it
bad? Where did it go wrong? How will yours be different?

Take a Field Trip


Go to the mall or a restaurant (she says, “That sounds like fun!”) and
observe couples. How do couples treat each other? Are they in love? Can you
really tell by looking? This is not meant to judge people that we don’t really
know, but is a way of exploring your own notions of marriage. Your
observations and answers will say a lot about your expectations for marriage
(for instance, should couples show affection in public?)

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SECTION TWO
A. WHAT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT NOW

There are a number of components that impact couple relationships. While


you may have discussed many of these areas in your courting, the following
exercise provides an organized approach to help you focus on the most
important things you need to talk about now.

Each of you look through the list on the next page and decide on 3 that you
believe are strength areas in your relationship right now, and decide on 3
that you believe are growth areas in your relationship right now (i.e. things
that you need to work on).

Written exercise # 1

1. Whoever goes first, be sure your responses are covered so your partner can’t see what
you have marked (or use two copies).

2. Put a check mark beside each area that you believe you need to discuss together now.

3. In addition, mark an “N” beside the three areas you consider to be your greatest needs
or growth areas right now. Don’t be discouraged to recognize that you have relationship
needs. All couples do.

4. Also mark an “S” beside 3 strength areas.

5. When you are both finished, take a look and see if you have marked most of the same
areas. Discuss any differences, and what you were thinking when you marked what you
did.

6. You will also find it interesting to see if you both marked the same areas as needs, or if
there are some differences in your perceptions. Discuss your reasons for marking a
component as a need.

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Strength and need/growth areas:

Her response His response

___ 1. Communication skills ___

___ 2. Resolving conflicts ___

___ 3. Expectations of marriage ___

___ 4. Money matters ___

___ 5. Shared recreation activities ___

___ 6. Children & parenting views ___

___ 7. Family/parents/community issues ___

___ 8. Husband / wife roles ___

___ 9. Family backgrounds ___

___ 10. Religious views & practices ___

___ 11. Personality concerns ___

___ 12. Sex ___

___ 13. Health ___

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B. DIGGING DEEPER
The following pages contain a list of points or questions for each of the above
12 relationship areas. It is there to help you get started in a discussion. Begin
with those areas that each of you decided was one where you have needs,
then work through the other areas. While you may have discussed many of
these topics in your courting, this exercise provides an organized approach to
help you focus on the most important things you need to talk about now.

NOTICE! This is a fun & helpful exercise. Should you hit some bumpy spots,
remember to practice good communication principles like these:

• Let your partner be honest with you.


- You don’t have to like or agree with what you hear, but negative
reactions cause your partner to shut down. These reactions could
include indifference, withdrawal, defensiveness, anger, put-downs,
and threats.

• Listen.
- Give your partner the time they need to express their viewpoint &
seek to truly understand. Ask questions, & repeat in your own
words what you heard your partner say.

• Speak to each other in a normal tone of voice.

• Remember the goal is to strengthen your relationship. This will enable


you to work together toward solutions.

Written exercise # 2

1. Circle the 3-6 areas (pages 18-31) that the two of you identified in the exercise #1 as being
areas where you consider that you have the greatest needs right now.

2. Each of you, on your own, go through the points/questions in all 13 areas. For each area, put a
check mark beside the point/questions that you think you need to talk about now, an “N” beside
the 3 items where you think you have the greatest needs, and an “S” beside the 3 items where
you think you have the greatest strengths. If you can’t find strengths in every area, that’s okay;
don’t put an “S” just for the sake of it.

3. Together, look at each other’s worksheets and begin your discussion with the 3-6 circled areas
and the points/questions indicated by an N. Continue with the points/questions indicated by a
check mark. There is space on page 32 (#14) to identify other issues not covered.

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4. Discuss the points/questions that you have identified in the remaining areas (#1-#14).

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1. Communication Skills

Her response His response

___ The amount of time we have to talk. ___


___ Differences in our communication styles. ___
___ What I/you do when we have trouble communicating. ___
___ The topic hardest for me to discuss with you is: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ My/your ability to openly & fully express ourselves. ___
___ My/your tendency to use put-downs. ___
___ My/your not listening. ___
___ My/your repeating things. ___
___ My/your honesty. ___
___ My/your exaggerating. ___
___ My/your becoming quiet and withdrawing. ___
___ My/your yelling. ___
___ My/your whining. ___
___ My/your interrupting. ___
___ My/your dominating the conversation. ___
___ My/your getting too emotional. ___
___ My/your lack of interest in what I say. ___
___ My/your talking mostly about superficial things. ___
___ My/your misinterpreting what I say. ___
___ My/your finding excuses. ___
___ Asking what I think about something then not accepting the answer. ___
___ Putting words in my mouth. ___
___ Our acceptance (or lack) of what one of us says. ___
___ Becoming negative in our communication. ___
___ Wanting me to agree with what you say. ___
___ Keeping secrets. ___
___ What we talk about most of the time. ___
___ Needing my approval. ___
___ We avoid talking about: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ We need to find someone to help us communicate better. ___
___ Other: ___

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2. Resolving Conflicts

Her response His response

___ Our general ability to resolve conflicts. ___


___ My/your tendency to give in too quickly. ___
___ My/your need to be right & get my/your way. ___
___ My/your tendency to say one thing, then do another. ___
___ My/your getting upset over trivial things. ___
___ My/your lack of taking issues seriously enough. ___
___ My/your not saying enough. ___
___ My/your talking too much. ___
___ My/your avoiding dealing with conflict. ___
___ My/your sabotaging things. ___
___ My/your ability to share feelings/thoughts. ___
___ My/your ability to accept other’s feelings/thoughts. ___
___ My/your tendency to magnify the negative and minimize the positive. ___
___ Our unresolved issue(s) of: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ An issue we have not discussed is: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ My/your getting angry too much. ___
___ My/your saying hurtful things. ___
___ My/your lying. ___
___ Need to find someone to help us resolve conflicts. ___
___ Who has to have the last word. ___
___ Differing/opposing political views. ___
___ Should we discuss with each other our personal conflicts with parents? ___
How does that affect our relationship/marriage?
___ Engaging in conflict with parents in the presence of our partner. ___
How does that affect our relationship/marriage?
___ Will we ever air our differences in public or in front of our children. ___
___ Our ability to compromise. ___
___ I/you need to find someone to help learn anger management skills. ___
___ Have you ever hurt someone else physically or emotionally? ___
___ Other: ___

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3. Expectations in Marriage

Her response His response

___ My/your expectations of our marriage. ___


___ Do you expect me to meet all your needs? ___
___ What happens if unexpected problems come our way? ___
___ What do we believe about commitment in marriage? ___
___ Are you going to try to change me? What? How? ___
___ Are you going to let me be my own person. ___
___ Are you going to give me the freedom and the space I need. ___
___ What do you expect me to give up for you? ___
___ Do we always have to present a unified front to others? ___
___ Can we each express different views/opinions publicly and to family? ___
___ Does only one of us speak on the couple’s behalf? Who? ___
What does that to each of us as individuals?
___ Are we partners? What does that mean? ___
___ Is the wife separate from the husband, but equal? ___
___ If the wife pursues higher education or Jewish learning, is she
neglecting ___
her role as wife and mother?
___ Does the wife submit to her husband? What does that mean? ___
___ Does the husband occupy a position of authority with respect to his
wife? ___
___ What happens if one or both of us has to put in long hours at work/school? ___
___ How do we reconcile differences? Arrive at compromise? ___
___ How do we view romantic love in a marriage? ___
___ Is he supportive of her education, learning and career goals? ___
What if it interferes with his needs? What if it interferes with
childcare?
___ Is she supportive of his education, learning and career goals? ___
What if it interferes with her needs? What if it interferes with
childcare?
___ Once they’re married, can the man do with his wife as he pleases?. ___
___ How does she/he feel about being married for 50 years?. ___
___ Other: ___

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4. Money Matters

Her response His response

___ What are our expenses & can we pay the bills? ___
___ Who will “keep the books?” ___
___ Who will prepare the tax returns? ___
___ Have we consulted with a financial planner yet? ___
___ Does/will she know everything about his finances? ___
___ Who will make investment decisions? ___
___ When and for what will we borrow money? ___
___ Are we going to keep a budget? ___
___ Will we have credit cards & for what use? ___
___ Will all our money go into a joint account, separate banking accounts, ___
or separate banking accounts + a family account?
___ Will we have a separate bank account for our charity contributions? ___
___ What are the debts each of us has? ___
___ What is the interest rate on the debt? How long will it take to pay it off? ___
___ What are the current savings/assets each of us has? ___
___ How much money does each of us owe our parents/friends? ___
___ How much financial support/inheritance will we receive from our parents? ___

___ Will both of us work now? Later? When we have children? ___
___ Will we move if one of us receives an offer of better pay? ___
___ Each others spending habits. ___
___ When do we need to consult with each other before spending money? ___
___ How much of our income will we save? ___
___ What we will save for? ___
___ Will our children have an allowance to spend at their discretion? ___
How much? Will they paid for household chores?
___ Would we ever give/lend money to a friend/family member? ___
___ Would we ever accept/borrow money from a friend/family? ___
___ Will we shop for discounts? ___
___ How much will we spend on fun stuff? ___
___ How often does she/he gamble or buy lottery tickets? ___
___ What does money represent to us? ___
___ How important should money be in our thinking & lives? ___
___ What kind of living accommodations do we want? ___
___ When will we purchase property? How will we decide? ___

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___ Do we want a pre-nuptial agreement for financial matters? ___
___ Other: ___

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5. Recreational Activities

Her response His response

___ What we will do for fun. ___


___ Will we spend time away from each other? How long? How often? ___
___ How will we balance work and play? ___
___ Number & kind of activities we both can enjoy. ___
___ This is something I really enjoy doing with you: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ This is something that you like that I’m not really interested in: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ This is something I’d like us to do more together: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ This is something I don’t like doing/being associated with: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ This is something I’d like to do with others without you: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ This is something I’d like to do by myself: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ I’m concerned about the money you spend on this activity: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ What are your views/feelings about guns (for recreation, or for protection)? ___
___ Other: ___

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6. Children & Parenting Views

Her response His response

___ Genetic testing for rare, serious autosomal recessive disorders. ___
(Contact your local Jewish family service organization to obtain free testing at least a
month before your wedding (it takes at least 3 weeks to get the test results).
___ When will we have children? ___
___ How many children will we have & spacing? ___
___ Would we ever consider adopting a child? ___
___ How will we nurture our children? ___
___ Who will discipline our children? ___
___ How will we discipline our children? ___
___ Will we ever slap/spank our children? ___
___ The role of the father. ___
___ The role of the mother. ___
___ If we discover we can’t have children, what then? ___
___ What value do we place on spending time with our children? ___
___ Will he change diapers? ___
___ Will she breastfeed? ___
___ What value do we place on showing affection to our children? ___
___ What value do we place on family mealtimes? ___
___ Do we want to be together as a family on Shabbat and Jewish holidays? ___
___ Will one parent always be at home with the children? ___
___ Will we send our children to daycare? From what age? ___
___ Who will pay for daycare? ___
___ Does one of us stay home to look after sick children? Who? ___
___ How will children and parenting affect our marriage? ___
___ Do we want our children’s’ friends to spend a lot of time at our home? ___
___ Do we want private, public, or home schools for our children? ___
___ Will we enroll our children in extra music, dancing, art, sports, other classes? ___
___ Will we send our boys/girls to boarding school? If yes, at what age? ___
___ Will our children receive a Jewish education? ___
___ Will our children learn Hebrew? Yiddish? How? ___
___ Will we send our children to a Jewish elementary school? ___
___ Will we send our children to a Jewish high school? ___
___ Will we arrange to live near our children’s school? ___
___ What will our children do during the summer? Camp? ___
___ Will we send our children to Israel? Where? For how long? At what age? ___
___ Other: ___

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7. Family / Parents / Community Issues

Her response His response

___ How supportive our friends/family are of our marriage. ___


___ How your family feels about me. ___
___ How my family feels about you. ___
___ The time you spend with your family/friends. ___
___ The kind of relationship that I/you want our children to have with his parents. ___
___ The kind of relationship that I/you want our children to have with her parents ___
___ Family members/friends that nose into our business. ___
___ What does it mean to live in a community? ___
___ What are the disadvantages to living in a community? ___
___ What are the advantages to living in a community? ___
___ Do the benefits of living in a community outweigh the disadvantages? ___
___ What do I/you think would be an ideal community to live in? ___
___ A family member/friend of yours that concerns me is: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ A family member/friend of yours that I really like is: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ How close/far away we want to live from our parents. ___
___ Will we accept/ask for financial help from our parents? ___
___ How will we decide where to go/who to invite for the Jewish holidays? ___
___ How you speak to/treat my family. ___
___ What happens if one of my/your parents needs special care? ___
___ What happens if my/your parents need financial assistance? ___
___ Other: ___

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8. Husband / Wife Roles

Her response His response

___ Will we both work outside the home? ___


___ I/you working fulltime outside the home while the children our growing up. ___
___ Our division of labor at home. ___
___ Who will be ‘in charge’ of the house? ___
___ How will we make major decisions? ___
___ My/your role as father? ___
___ My/your role as mother? ___
___ Who will keep up with the money? ___
___ Who will shop for groceries? ___
___ Who will do the yard work? ___
___ Who will do house repairs? ___
___ Who will keep the house clean? ___
___ My/your tolerance for mess? ___
___ My/your tolerance for dirt? ___
___ Areas that have to be clean/tidy and the ones that can be messy? ___
___ Who will do the cooking? ___
___ What kind of diet do we want? Who will decide menus? ___
___ What kind of relationship do we want our children to have with food? ___
___ Who will clean up the kitchen after meals? ___
___ Who will get up in the middle of the night with the baby? ___
___ Who will help children with homework? ___
___ Who will discipline the children? ___
___ What happens if we disagree about issues involving the children? ___
___ Will we have a housekeeper? Babysitter? Nanny? How will it be paid for? ___
___ If we have a housekeeper, do we expect her to pick up everything after ___
us, or do we keep the house tidy ourselves?
___ Whose role is it to educate the children? ___
___ Whose role is it to create a Jewish atmosphere in the home? ___
___ Will she light Shabbat candles? ___
___ Other: ___

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9. Family Backgrounds

Her response His response

___ Similarities/differences. ___


___ How much time our families spent together/apart. ___
___ How our families expressed their love to each other. ___
___ How decisions were made. ___
___ How children were disciplined. ___
___ Who disciplined the children. ___
___ How conflicts were handled. ___
___ Who did what (roles). ___
___ The stability of our parent’s marriages. ___
___ How holidays & birthdays were celebrated. ___
___ What we did for vacations. ___
___ What we did on weeknights. ___
___ The freedom our parents gave to the children to do what they wanted. ___
___ How supportive our parents were of the children. ___
___ How much our parents talked with and listened to the children. ___
___ How our parents arrived at compromises. ___
___ What kinds of things our parents did with the children. ___
___ Father spent time with the children. ___
___ Mother stayed/did not stay at home to raise the children. ___
___ Value placed on education. ___
___ Value placed on girls’ education. ___
___ Value placed on girls’ advanced Jewish education. ___
___ The time our parents spent together alone. ___
___ The time our parents spent with friends. ___
___ Our parents’ income level. ___
___ The portion of their income our parents spent on their children. ___
___ The way children were taught about money. ___
___ How crises were handled. ___
___ Family political views. ___
___ The place of religious observance in the family. ___
___ Family secrets. ___
___ What we can learn from our families, good or bad? ___
___ Other: ___

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Family backgrounds (cont’d)

I would like to emulate my father/mother in these ways:

His response:

Her response:

I want to avoid emulating my father/mother in these ways:

His response:

Her response:

Her response: His response:


The person I like most in my family is:
___________________________ ___________________________
The person I like most in your family is:
___________________________ ___________________________
The person I like least in my family is:
___________________________ ___________________________
The person I like least in your family is:
___________________________ ___________________________

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10. Religious Values / Practices

Her response His response


___ Our views on the importance of religious life. ___
___ The role of religious practices in our relationship. ___
___ How active will we be in the Jewish community? ___
___ How active will we be in a Synagogue/minyan? ___
___ Will we affiliate with an orthodox/conservative/reform Synagogue? ___
___ Will we live within walking distance of a Synagogue? ___
___ Will she/he seek out and participate in Jewish learning? Example. ___
___ What she/he believes about:
___________________________ ___________________________
___ A non-negotiable belief or practice for her/him is: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ What we will teach our children about: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ My/your personal religious life. ___
___ How Judaism can help us deal with problems. ___
___ How Judaism can help us grow. ___
___ What Judaism teaches about marriage, husbands & wives. ___
___ Will we keep kosher in the house/outside the house? ___
___ What would not being kosher mean for us re visiting kosher friends/relatives?
___
What would it mean for them?
___ Will we keep some/all Shabbat observances? Which ones? ___
___ Will we keep some/all Jewish holiday observances? Which ones? ___
___ What will we do about any religious differences between us? ___
___ What will you think/feel/say/do if I someday become more/less religious? ___
___ What will I think/feel/say/do if you someday become more/less religious? ___
___ What will be the wife’s/mother’s role in the Jewish life of our family? ___
___ What will be the husband’s/father’s role in the Jewish life of our family? ___
___ Will he wear a kippa at home? Outside the home? At her/his parents’ home? ___
___ We will give our children Hebrew names? ___
___ Will our son have a brit milah (circumcision)? ___
___ Will our daughter have a naming ceremony? ___
___ How do we envision preparing our children for their bar/bat mitzvah?
___
___ How will our parents feel about our choices in religious practice? ___
___ Our difficulty in discussing religious matters. ___

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___ Our need to discuss our viewpoints/difficulties with a Rabbi. ___
___ Do we/will we have a Rabbi to turn to for advice and guidance? ___
___ Other: ___

34
11. Personality

Her response His response


___ My/your stubbornness. ___
___ My/your temper. ___
___ My/your anger. ___
___ My/your hostility. ___
___ My/your honesty. ___
___ My/your generosity. ___
___ My/your introversion/extroversion. ___
___ My/your jealousy. ___
___ My/your moodiness. ___
___ My/your irritability. ___
___ My/your bad habits. ___
___ My/your impulsiveness. ___
___ My/your self-esteem. ___
___ My/your vulnerability to stress. ___
___ My/your use of food/drugs/alcohol/tobacco ___
___ My/your inflexibility. ___
___ My/your demeaning things/people. ___
___ My/your insecurity. ___
___ My/your sneakiness. ___
___ My/your domineering behavior. ___
___ My/your inability to listen to me/others. ___
___ My/your tendency to be judgmental. ___
___ My/your interpersonal skills. ___
___ My/your self-centeredness. ___
___ My/your swearing. ___
___ My/your possessiveness. ___
___ My/your tendency to denigrate. ___
___ My/your negativity. ___
___ My/your intolerance of:__________________ ___
___ My/your insecurity. ___
___ My/your anxiety. ___
___ My/your controlling behavior. ___
___ My/your manipulative behavior. ___
___ My/your using put-downs. ___
___ My/your criticizing. ___
___ My/your tone of voice. ___
___ Other: ___

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12. Sex

Her response His response

___ Your expectations of me sexually. ___


___ What I need from you sexually. ___
___ Sexual acts I’m not comfortable with: ___
___________________________ ___________________________
___ Amount of affection in our relationship. ___
___ Our method of birth control. Who looks after birth control. ___
___ Will he use a condom? ___
___ Previous sexual experiences and/or abuse. ___
___ My comfort level in talking to you about sex. ___
___ How often will we make love? ___
___ Concerns or fears I have about sex. ___
___ What sex means to our relationship. ___
___ Male / female viewpoints in regards to sex. ___
___ Is physical attraction/sex the basis of our love? Is there another kind of
love? ___
___ How I feel about my body/sexual attractiveness. ___
___ Using sex as a punishment or reward. ___
___ Having sex when there is tension or anger. ___
___ Should the man always/ever initiate sex? ___
___ How often does she/he view pornography? ___
___ Is sex the man’s marital right? ___
___ Is sex the woman’s marital right? ___
___ Can we be affectionate without sex? ___
___ Is sex a pleasurable experience? ___
___ What happens if one of us doesn’t feel like having sex? ___
___ What happens if sex becomes physically painful for her (eg. after childbirth)? ___
___ Will we have a double, queen, or king bed, or two twin beds, ___
or a double and a twin bed?
___ Will we have sex during her menstrual period? ___
___ Will she immerse in a mikveh following her menstrual period? ___
___ She will go to the mikvah after how many clean days (1 2 3 4 5 6 7)? ___
___ She/he wants to observe all/some taharat hamishpach (family purity laws).
___
___ Can/should the husband force is wife to have sex? ___
Has he ever had anything seriously wrong with his genitals (privates)? ___

36
___ Are her menstrual periods usually painful?
___ Is she tense/jumpy/moody or difficult to get along with during her period?
___ Other: ___

37
13. Health

His response

Physical health (i.e. known illnesses, conditions, etc.; medications; hospitalizations):

Mental health (i.e. known illnesses, conditions, etc; medications; hospitalizations):

Her response

Physical health (i.e. known illnesses, conditions, etc.; medications; hospitalizations):

Mental health (i.e. known illnesses, conditions, etc; medications; hospitalizations):

Before the wedding, you should go to a doctor together for a complete medical
checkup, including testing for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Be open and
honest.

Her response His response

___ How will her/his health issues affect our relationship? ___
___ What happens if she/he loses a job due to ill health? ___
___ Do you expect me to stop work/school to look after you if you’re sick? ___
___ Who will look after her/him during serious/prolonged illness? ___
___ How will her/his health issues affect our children? ___
___ Does she/he have adequate health insurance? ___
___ What happens if she/he loses health insurance due to unemployment? ___
___ Other: ___

38
14. Other issues

“These are some other things I’d like for us to discuss that were not listed anywhere above”

His response:

Her response:

39
C. ASKING AND LISTENING

Husbands & wives need to both ask for what they want and listen to their
partner ask for what they want. We all have needs and there is nothing
wrong with wanting those needs met. But it must go both ways for a healthy
relationship.

The following exercise will give you practice in assertively asking for what
you want & need and in listening to what your partner wants & needs.

NOTICE! Assertiveness does not mean being rude, aggressive, disrespectful,


inconsiderate or inflexible. Assertive communication involves advocating for
your own needs while still being considerate of others and respecting their
needs. It opens the lines of communication; it doesn’t shut them down.

Written exercise # 3

1. Print out two copies to respond separately to the points on the next page.

2. Rate from 1 to 3 how important each item is to you


(“1” is of lesser importance & “3” is of greater importance).

3. There is a blank at the end for “other” if there is something else you think of that’s
important to you.

4. When both are finished, discuss your 3’s & then others as you wish.

As you share your responses:

• Listen carefully to your partner as they express their needs and why
these are important to them.

• This is not meant as an opportunity to make selfish demands.

• Be realistic in your expectations and be willing to compromise in some


areas.

40
Ask and Listen
(“1” is of lesser importance & “3” is of greater importance to you).

Her response His response

___ Spend most of your free time with me ___


___ Let me make my own decisions ___
___ Change a personal habit of yours if it bothers me ___
___ Always tell me what you are thinking ___
___ Discuss with me before spending money ___
___ Join in with me in things I like to do ___
___ Go shopping with me ___
___ Have sex with me whenever I want ___
___ Kiss me every day ___
___ Show / don’t show affection to me in public ___
___ Have no contact with former girl/boyfriends ___
___ I’d like to spend regular time with my parents ___
___ Both of us be involved in religious activities ___
___ Speak about me & to me with respect in public ___
___ I want you to like my parents ___
___ I want my parents to like you ___
___ Remember special days with presents ___
___ Call if you are running late ___
___ Clean up your own messes ___
___ Throw away old love letters ___
___ Have good personal hygiene ___
___ Talk to me face to face daily ___
___ Always tell me what’s bothering you ___
___ Compliment me often ___
___ Keep the house clean ___
___ Keep yourself attractive ___
___ Dress nicely all the time ___
___ Be home in the evenings ___
___ Help with meal preparation ___
___ Make me feel better when I’m down ___
___ Take care of me when I’m sick ___
___ Support me in my dreams ___
___ Plan fun dates for us ___
___ Be nice to my family ___
___ Let me go on extended trips without you ___

41
___ Other: ___

42
D. I FEEL LOVED WHEN …
… It’s important to keep your relationship positive & loving. This exercise
further helps you to express to your partner how you are made to feel cared
for. This keeps your partner from having to guess (and maybe guessing
wrong) about what you appreciate most.

Written exercise # 4

Each of you complete the statement “I feel loved by you when you…” on the next page.

Write down 3-5 things your partner can do. Once you’ve both written down your responses,
share your list with your partner.

Discuss and explain if necessary, but most importantly do the things your partner has listed .
. . and enjoy!

NOTICE! As you write down your responses apply these principles:

• Keep it positive. Don’t write, “I feel loved when you don’t nag me.”
Instead, “I feel loved when you remember to call me during the day” or
“I feel loved when you tell me you love me.”

• Make the cost of the behavior free or inexpensive. Not “I feel loved when
you buy me jewelry” but, “I feel loved when you rub my back” or “I feel
loved when you bring me a romantic card”

• Choose something that can happen every day or with some frequency. “I
feel loved when you kiss me hello and/or good-bye” or “I feel loved
when you compliment me on my appearance.”

43
His response:

I feel loved by you when you . . .

1. _______________________________________________________

2. _______________________________________________________

3. _______________________________________________________

4. _______________________________________________________

5. _______________________________________________________

Her response:

I feel loved by you when you . . .

1. _______________________________________________________

2. _______________________________________________________

3. _______________________________________________________

4. _______________________________________________________

5. _______________________________________________________

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but


never her age” “Women like silent men. They think they are listening.”

44
E. I LOVE YOU BECAUSE …

Written exercise # 5

1. Individually, answer as much as you can to complete the following phrases on the next pages.
• I am marrying you because …
• The things I admire / like about you include …
• Our relationship is good right now because …
• My favorite “memory” of us right now is …
• We share these common values, beliefs and goals in life …
2. After you’ve written down your answers share them with each other.

Make sure to keep these pages in an envelope and put it away with your
other important documents.

Get it out on your anniversary and enjoy it all over again.

You will also want to look at it when your marriage hits a rough spot. When
we are in conflict with our mates, we tend to magnify the negative and
minimize the positive. We also forget the past and what it was really like.

Your notes will remind you why you married this person.

45
•I am marrying you because:

46
• Qualities I admire / like about you include:

• Our relationship is good right now because:

• My favorite “memory” of us right now is:

47
• We share these common values, beliefs and goals in life:

48
SECTION 3
GOALS

Print out two copies of the next 2 pages

Personal Goals

Written exercise # 6

1. Print out 2 copies of the “Personal Goals” worksheet.


2. Each of you work on Part A of the “Personal Goals” sheet separately.
3. When you’ve finished, exchange the sheets and discuss the answers.
4. Working separately again, answer Part B on your partner’s sheet.

5. When each of you has finished, exchange the sheets again and discuss the answers to Part B.

Couple Goals

Written exercise # 7

1. Print out 2 copies of the “Couple Goals” sheet.


2. Each of you work on the “Couple Goals” sheet separately.

3. When you’ve finished, exchange the sheets and discuss your answers.

49
PERSONAL GOALS

PART A PART B
How I will support you
My personal goals How I will achieve my goals
in accomplishing your goals
What goals do you have for yourself for the
next 1-5 years?

What goals do you have for yourself for the


next 5-10 years?

What is one dream you would like to fulfill


before you die?

List the five things you value most in life.


1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
COUPLE GOALS
Our shared goals How we will achieve our shared goals
What are our shared goals as a couple for the next 1-5 years?

What are our shared goals as a couple for the next 5-10 years?

What is one dream you would like to fulfill as a couple before you die?

List five shared values (Note: if they don’t overlap with your respective
personal goals, that’s okay. You can talk about that).
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

51
Our Family

Written exercise # 8

1. Do the exercise on this page together.

Brainstorm ideas about what we want to stand for as a family.

Write up a short statement that reflects the goals and values that we want for our family.
Make it something that you will be proud of.
SECTION 4
GETTING ALONG WITH IN-LAWS

Criticize them, make fun of them, dismiss them, disrespect them, push them
away, ignore them. This is a common approach for dealing with in-laws! But
is this really such a good idea? This section explores some better
approaches.

First off, until now your parents have known you as their child. Now they
have to get to know you as a couple. It’s a process, so be patient and give
them time to adjust. Soon, you will have to get to know your fiancé all over
again too, this time as a wife/husband. Then you will have to get to know
her/him all over again once again as a mother/father. When your children
leave home you will have to get to know each other yet again in your new
roles. And so it goes. Life is full of change.

It is important that you not allow your family to interfere in your marriage.
However, accepting your partner's relatives is important. Take the time to
get to know them. Do things with them with the intention of becoming
friends.

It is important that you create healthy boundaries as a couple. You should


each be responsible for setting boundaries with your respective families. You
should each take the responsibility of insuring that your partner is treated
with respect by your relatives.

You should decide as a couple how much time you will spend with your
extended family.

Written exercise #9

1. Individually, answer as much as you can to complete each of the following sections (pp 46-49).
• Setting some goals
• Looking at differences
• When there’s tension
• Keeping things positive
• Setting boundaries
2. When you’ve finished, share your responses and discuss.
3. Identify differences in your responses and negotiate workable solutions that respect your partner’s
needs.

54
Setting some goals

You need to be intentional about your relationship with your family. Describe
the kind of relationship you want to have with your respective families:

His response

Her response

55
Looking at differences

Marriage brings together families and diverse people with differing


expectations.

• Discuss your families’ differences in terms of: generational gaps,


geographical factors (city vs. rural), national origins, sophistication,
education, financial levels, spiritual / religious viewpoints, etc.

• How will you work to bridge differences (eg. generation or value gaps)?

• What is the difference between acceptance and agreement?

• What does it mean to you to love someone unconditionally?

• Who do you clash with most in your family? Why? What are the
strong/weak points of the person you clash with?

• Try re-framing negative qualities you perceive in certain family


members:
(Example, meddlesome becomes ‘concerned’, bossy becomes
‘leadership’)

_______________________ becomes _______________________


_______________________ becomes _______________________

56
_______________________ becomes _______________________
_______________________ becomes _______________________
_______________________ becomes _______________________

When there’s tension

• How will you keep lines of communication open even when relationships
are strained?

• What is your plan for remaining calm if an antagonistic family member


tries to draw you into an argument?

• How will you respond when you are given unsolicited advice?

• How will you deal with contentious subjects?

• You know what your complaints are toward your future in-laws. Now
consider the major complaints that your in-laws may have toward their
children-in-law, and how you can respond to them in a positive way.

In-laws’ complaints: How we can respond in a


positive way:

_______________________________ _______________________________

_______________________________ _______________________________

_______________________________ _______________________________

_______________________________ _______________________________

57
_______________________________ _______________________________

_______________________________ _______________________________

_______________________________ _______________________________

58
Keeping things positive

• What can you do to promote harmony when you’re with your respective
families?

• What fun things can you do with your respective families that will help
strengthen relationships?

Boundaries

• How will you know issues with your respective families are affecting your
marriage and what will you do about it?

• What are the boundaries for your new nuclear family (currently just you
and your partner) and how will you communicate these to your
respective families?

• When you need to be assertive with your respective families, who should
do it? When should it be done? How should it be said?

59
SECTION 5
QUESTIONS ABOUT COMMITMENT
This section may seem very negative to some…but it shouldn’t be viewed
that way. Commitment is a big key to a successful marriage. This section can
only help to be sure a couple understands each other’s views about
commitment in marriage and to each other. Here are some questions to get
you started.

Divergent needs

What happens when my individual needs aren’t the same as yours?

Fine-tuning things
Do we need to fine-tune our approaches to handling problems & handling
money?

Sexual unfaithfulness
How are we going to guard ourselves from sexual unfaithfulness?

Divorce
Under what circumstances could we imagine getting a divorce?

Should our marriage end in divorce, can we make a commitment now to be


respectful of each other even if there is devastating hurt and

60
disappointment, to be careful of each other’s future happiness, and to
protect our children from the fallout?

61
SECTION 6
GETTING MARRIED

Why are we getting married?

His response:

Her response:

62
Are we getting married for the right reasons?

His response:

Her response:

63
SECTION 7
JEWISH MARRIAGE DOCUMENTS
Ketubah
There exist different versions of the Ketubah. You must involve your Rabbi
when selecting your Ketubah to make sure that it is in accordance with
Jewish law.
Have we read, understood, and fully discussed the Ketubah with our Rabbi?

What outstanding issues or questions do we have?

Binding arbitration agreement


Judaism has recognized the concept of "no-fault" divorce for thousands of
years, The binding arbitration agreement (or the marriage protection
agreement, or the Jewish prenuptial agreement) is intended to facilitate the
timely and proper resolution of certain marital disputes. When, in addition to
the Ketubah, a couple about to be married signs this agreement they thereby
express their concern for each other's future happiness. Making this
agreement a standard part of the Jewish wedding also affirms our concern for
the welfare of the entire community. Some couples may also wish to sign
other prenuptial agreements for financial, property, or other reasons. In
those cases, the couple should sign a civil prenuptial agreement, each with
the advice of their own counsel, and incorporate the binding arbitration
agreement by reference.

Please ask your Rabbi which agreement he recommends. There are different
versions currently in use, including but not limited to:
America http://www.rabbis.org/pdfs/Halachic%20Prenuptial%20Arbitration%20Agreement.pdf
California http://www.getora.com/PDF/California_Prenuptial_Agreement.pdf
Israel http://www.youngisraelrabbis.org.il/texts/Englishtranslationrevised 040906.doc

Have we read, understood, and fully discussed the binding arbitration


agreement with our Rabbi?

What outstanding issues or questions do we have?

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65
SECTION 8
POWER AND CONTROL

Written exercise # 10

1. Each of you, on your own, answer the questions on the following page.
2. Don’t feel pressured to share your responses with your partner if you don’t want to.
3. If you have difficulty with this section, don’t ignore it. Discuss it with a trained professional or someone
else you trust who can help you think through these issues.

66
Her response His response

___ You’ve been charming, engaging, thoughtful, considerate, charismatic. ___


___ You put down or deny my history, heritage, faith, values. ___
___ You demand all my attention and resent my relationships with others. ___
___ You make my life chaotic so that I can’t keep my job or finish my degree. ___
___ I’ve pretty much stopped seeing friends/family because you don’t like them. ___
___ You yell at me and/or talk over me, or ignore me. ___
___ I’ve pretty much stopped expressing my opinions if you don’t agree with them. ___
___ I’m often compliant because I’m afraid to hurt your feelings. ___
___ You assume you know what I’m thinking or feeling. ___
___ You shift responsibility from yourself to others. ___
___ You believe you don’t have to follow the rules that other people do. ___
___ You like to watch people get angry/quarrel; you set things up so that
happens. ___
___ You appear truthful when you’re lying; deceitful when you’re telling the
truth. ___
___ I believe the critical things you say that make me feel bad. ___
___ There is something wrong with me if I don’t enjoy sexual things you want. ___
___ You put down my abilities. ___
___ You question my sense of reality. ___
___ You belittle/humiliate/insult/threaten me; you use name-calling/ put-downs. ___
___ You have kicked, hit, shoved, or thrown things when you’re angry. ___
___ You treat your/my family members disrespectfully. ___
___ You justify your behavior with excuses. ___
___ I find that I’m frequently walking on eggshells to keep you from getting angry. ___
___ You sit or stand too close to me, making me uncomfortable. ___
___ You touch me inappropriately in public or in front of friends/family. . ___
___ You treat me like a sex object in public. ___
___ You only do what you want, or push me to get what you want. ___
___ You are possessive or jealous. ___
___ You have a reputation for “scoring.” ___
___ I have the urge to “rescue” you when you’re troubled. ___
___ I find myself apologizing to others for you behavior. ___
___ I feel I can’t live without you. ___
___ I believe that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.
___
___ I’m afraid to tell you my worries and feelings about our relationship. ___

The section on this page is here to help you recognize signs of abuse. If you see some signs of abuse

67
don't fool yourself into thinking that underneath this is a great person, that you can help him/her or that
love will get you through it. Get out quickly before things escalate. “You have until he breaks the glass to
break off the wedding. Pulling out of the marriage will be much more difficult and much more costly.”
This is one time when you really do have to put yourself first. Listen to your gut. Don’t ignore it.
For more information on how to recognize signs of abuse, see: www.mvwcs.com/domesticviolence.html

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SECTION 9
IN CONCLUSION

Something I learned about “us” during this course:

His response:

Her response:

Something I learned about “me” during this course:

His response:

Her response:

This course was helpful to us in this way:

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SECTION 10
WEDDING PLANNING

So, now you’re ready to start planning your wedding. Great!


See: www.scribd.com/doc/18757570/DoItYourself-Jewish-Wedding-Planning

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Acknowledgment

With grateful appreciation to Ralph Griggs for permission to include material from his
online marriage preparation course.

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