Ninja Sex: Can You Do It in the Dark? Can You DoIt without Screaming?
by William S. Dean
(08/15/07)"Why are there no wet marks on the bed and why didn't your parents hearus?""I'm a ninja...""
I had ninja sex?"--Urban DictionaryYou've heard the rumors, maybe even know afriend of a friend of a friend who...but seriously,do you even know what ninja sex is? Ninjas, aswe all should know, were the stealthy superwarriors of feudal Japan. Skilled beyond eventhe master samurai swordsmen, the ninjas'exploits have grown legendary in the telling andre-telling across the centuries. But what dothese shadow assassins have to do withenhancing your sex life?It turns out to be quite a bit, but it will require youto re-think your whole perspective on doing thedeeds. The Urban Dictionary quoted abovedefines ninja sex as "(1) Having noiseless sex(no squeaking springs or vocals) while one or more people are passed out inthe same room. (2) Sex in which no one can hear or see; noiseless butpleasureful silent and unmarking sex." As usual, your mileage may vary inactual practice and -- in the tradition of the true ninjas -- these definitionsonly hint atthe more striking reality.There are many varieties of ninja sex being practiced right now. Like otherarts, with their crane-tiger, mantis-snake, drunk monkey-pirate wench stylesand forms, ninja sex, too, can be broken down into picturesque types. Forexample, among parents with small children, one of the major styles might becalled "The Tiny Footstep" also known as "Did you hear something?" Tryingto avoid waking sleeping infants and small children while having sex is aremarkable activity with many movements worthy of a master ninja. Haveyou reached the level of the barkless doggy, grasshopper? Or perhaps youand your creative partner have attained the exquisite "Reverse CowgirlWithout Yeehaw."Near silent and stealthy sex is not just for parents, of course. The roommate,