WUPR 12.1

IN THEIR OWN WORDS

“As opposed to standing outsideFenway Park? In the cold? Shak-ing hands?”

— Massachusetts Democratic senate candi-date Martha Coakley, responding to a reporter’squestion that she was not campaigning activelyenough.

“Not true.”

— Justice Samuel Alito, silently mouthing a re-sponse during the State of the Union to Presi-dent Obama’s critique of a recent SupremeCourt decision on campaign ﬁnance law

“I deeply regret using such a poorchoice of words.”

— Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, apologiz-ing after news surfaced that he described then-Senator Obama as “light skinned with no negrodialect” during the President primary.

The Numbers

Retreat

The “yard line” White House politi-cal advisor David Axelrod describedthe Democrats on in terms of passing comprehensive health carereform at the end of 2009

1

The “yard line” White House PressSecretary Robert Gibbs describedthe Democrats on after the electionof Republican Scott Brown in theMassachusetts special election

5

Majority

The margin of superiority currentlyheld by Senate Democrats

18

The widest margin of superiorityheld by Republicans in the Senateduring the Bush administration

10

Jobs

208,000

The number of jobs shed by the U.S.economy in the fourth quarter of 2009

600,000

The number of unemplyoed Ame-rians who were removed from thestatistic of unemployment in thefourth quarter because they gaveup trying to ﬁnd a job

“Again we are tested. And again,we must answer history’s call.”

— President Barack Obama, delivering his ﬁrstState of the Union.

“I forgot he was black!”

— MSNBC host Chris Matthews, describing hisreaction to watching President Obama deliverthe State of the Union.

Politically

Correct

WUPR’S ONLY HUMORCOLUMN SINCE 1776

Scott Brown Just Won the Senatorial Electionin Massachusetts. What do you think?

Take the quiz and ﬁnd out!

1)HowdidyouﬁrsthearofSenatorSco6Brown?

a)TheDailyShow,whenJonStewartwasmakingfunofhim.(1Point)

b)Hisveryﬁrstcampaigncommercial,whenhispickuptruckchargeditswayintomyheart.(2Points)c)IactuallyjustheardofhimﬁBeenminutesago,butIcanalreadytellyouhowhewillchangethepoliCcallandscape.

(3Points)

d)ThesinglemostgloriousediConofosmoever.(4Points)e)Imetthatpunkafewmonthsago,andIimmediatelyknewhewasajackass.(5points)

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2)HowdoyouthinkhewillaﬀectthehealthcaredebateintheSenate?

a)There’snohopeleB.Soon,theHMOswillbeginharvesCngoursCll‐livingorgansforcash.(1Point)b)HewillﬁnallygiveusachancetotellthisPresidentthatwewon’tstandbyhisliberalpoliciesoftaxaConandracismagainstwhiteAmericans.(2Points)c)Notonlyisthisthedeathofhealthcarereform,butourpollsindicatethatthereisa65%chancethatheisthetopcontenderforPresidentin2012.(3Points)d)Wait,he’sasenator?(4Points)e)Idon’tcare.Ihopethebillincludesdeathpanelsandtheykillhisgrandmother.(5Points)

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3)HowmuchdoyoucareaboutMassachuse6s?

a)WellIwasgoingtomovethere,butIdon’tthinkIcananymoreifthemoderatesareincontrol.(1Point)b)Itisawicked,vile,baby‐killing,andtotallygayplace.(2Points)c)IsthereanelecCongoingon?THENITISTHEMOSTIMPORTANTPLAEINTHEWORLD.(3Points)d)Idon’tcaremuchforit.It’sneverwarmenoughforthepeopletowalkaroundnaked.(4Points)e)Ican’tstandthesepeople.IwishIcouldmovetoD..(5Points)

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4)WhydoyouthinkhewasabletowintheelecCon?

a)It’sjustanotherexampleofhowcorporateinterestsareexploiCngthereligiousrighttocontrolourshamofademocracy,man.(1Point)b)HewonbystandingbywhatAmericansknowtobetrue:biggovernmentisbadgovernment,andObamaisasecretMuslimommunistNazi.(2Points)c)Ipersonallydon’tknow,buthereareaseriesofcomplexgraphsandnumberstomakeitlooklikeItotallyknowwhatI’mtalkingabout.(3Points)d)Um,haveyouseenhisbiceps?They’reGORGEOUS.(4Points)e)ProbablybycheaCng.Whatever.Hecanhaveit.Ididn’twantitanyway.(5Points)

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5)IfSco6Browntrippednexttoyou,whatwouldyoudo?

a)I’dmakesomecommentlike,“TypicalRepublican:somuchmoneyinhispocketshislegscan’tevenholdhimupanymore.”ThenI’dsharemyobviousobservaConwithFacebookandDigg.(1Point)b)Organizeaprotestagainstthesidewalk,whichwasclearlytryingtosullyhisgoodnameandsilencetheAmericanpeople.(2Points)c)OhGod,IhopesomebodyputthevideoonYouTubesowecouldconCnuouslyplaytheclipandcommentabout

howmanyviewsithas.(3Points)

d)Takeoﬀallmyclothesand“accidentally”liedownexactlywherehewasfalling.(4Points)e)I’dlaughandbaskinhissuﬀering,justlikethatstupidnewsreporter.ThatwillteachhimtoquesConme!(5Points)



AnswersonPage49

byryanaird