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Purim 2010: The Yeshiva University Unobservant

Purim 2010: The Yeshiva University Unobservant

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Published by: GoateeMcMurray on Feb 23, 2010
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Purim 2010
The official newspaper of Stern College and the Sy Syms School of Business
The Yeshiva University
 Volume LV, Issue VI
continued on page 3 
INSIDETales of Hama-dinejad.....................2
“Ani lo tedaberet Ivris”....................4Eliminating Evil, One Note at a Time...6YUDisconnects - 7.........................7
The wise son, what does he ask?“What is this homosexuality panelto our university?” And you shallmoderate the conversation and tellhim none of the halakha and youshall say, “This is the homosexual-ity panel that our university held inDecember.”The wicked son, what does heask? “What is this homosexualitypanel to you?” And you shall grindyour pearly white, radiant-with-a-touch-of-ivory-chic teeth andtell him about the homosexualitypanel and say, “This is the homo-sexuality panel that got my univer-sity aflutter.” For had he attendedYeshiva University, he would nothave come out of the closet.The simple son asks, “What isthis?” And you shall tell him, “Thisis the homosexuality panel thattook place at our university. Andthis is the transcript of the panel,and these are the videos of thepanel and these are the 308,999blog and website comments aboutthe panel which we check on aregular basis in case we get windthat lesbians are coming to speak at Yeshiva University and someonefrom
The Observer 
needs to coverthe event in the next issue.”And to the son who does notknow how to ask about the panelor sexual orientation in generalbecause he attends a Jewish dayschool with no sex-ed in the cur-riculum you should say, “This is thehomosexuality panel that the Tol-erance Club and Wurzweiler heldin December.” (He’s too young foryou to know whether he’s gay orstraight, though he himself mightalready have an inkling.)
Being Four Sonsin theOrthodox World
Goatee McMurray
In light of recent events [wink wink nudge nudge g4y p4n3l], Ye-shiva University has instituted anew, long-time policy of enablingand ennobling euphemisms andimprecise language regarding top-ics of a questionable and inflam-matory nature. YUs stance, saysPresident Richard Joel, is an at-tempt to make Yeshiva students,alumni, faculty, staff and friendscomfortable discussing, commis-erating, meeting and enjoining,united in the goals set forth inYU’s mission statement and in-herent in the institution’s positiveaccomplishments, highlighted inYU’s illustrious history and serv-ing as inspiration to this day.“As a Torah U’Madda institu-tion,” commented an anonymousadministrator, “we are responsiblefor protecting what we propheti-cally and democratically know tobe Judaism from the extreme, il-literate ultra-religio control freakson the right and from the sacri-legious, naked parades of liberalswho write our T.V. shows on theleft.”Purportedly, the altneu policy isdesigned to make all official com-ments say everything and nothingat the same time.
In Light of Recent Events
Shalva Shalom
Stern College for Men
Rav Hamechaber
The staff of 
The Commentator 
 has voted unanimously to upgradethe status of the Yeshiva Collegestudent newspaper by making ita back section of its winner of asister newspaper,
The YU Observ- er 
, announced
The Commoner 
editor-in-chief Mickey Kinamonyesterday.“We tried to make it on our own,”explained Kinamon. “We even gotthe punctuation right a couple of times;
The Circumcisor 
had somefun in the sun. But when it comesdown to it, who wouldn’t want tobe part of 
The Observer 
staff has graciouslygreeted the opportunity to absorb
The Competitor 
s staff.
The Ca- pitulator 
has done a wise and hon-
The Commentator 
Upgrades by BecomingBack Section of 
TheYU Observer 
Blondie Pinsky
After eighty years of beingknown simply as Yeshiva College,the men’s undergraduate collegeof Yeshiva University will un-dergo a name change. Followingthe donation by the Stern familyof a large, unspecified amount of money to Yeshiva College, the col-lege’s board of directors decidedto rename the institution SternCollege for Men (SCM). PresidentRichard Joel explained in a ystud/ sstud and in a video posted on theuniversity’s website that the com-bination of the university’s direfinancial situation and the Sternfamilys generosity warranted thisunprecedented name change.University board members werequick to deflect criticism of thisdecision. “In no way does themen’s college’s new name implythat the men’s college is secondin importance to Stern College forWomen,” commented one boardmember. Another added, “Thename change will surely createunity between the colleges and willhelp dissolve the ridiculously highlevels of sexual tension betweenstudents. I mean, really, have youbeen to the Seforim Sale?!Ananonymous source reported thatsome Rashei Yeshiva are worriedthat this act of “unity” may actual-ly be a strategic step towards fullymerging the two colleges. Pastproposals to merge the collegeformerly known as Yeshiva withStern College for Women have metwith great controversy. In early2007, President Joel half-jokinglyremarked that any merging of thecolleges’ campuses would happenonly in the event of his death.Students’ reactions to the newshave varied. One SCM student re-marked, “I’m excited about the newname. People think I go to Stern,NYU’s business school, and I haveno reason to correct them.” Otherreactions have been less enthusi-astic. One MYP student explained,“Shadchanim think I’m a girl, sinceI go to Stern and went to Shaalvim.I’m having a lot of trouble mak-ing it clear that I’m a top bachur. Ihate the shidduch crisis!orable thing,” commented
Observ- er 
editor-in-chief Yola Froghlic. “Iwould encourage Yeshiva Collegestudents to look upon the upgradenot as a loss of their paper or au-tonomy, but as a chance to makethe eligible writers and editors atYeshiva University more efficient.”Some of 
The Caput 
staff are us-ing the new arrangement as a timeto reflect. “I feel more masculinethis way,” remarked an anony-mous
editor. “We’re aback section. We’retaking up the rear.We’re looking be-hind us to makesure the rapists andmuggers can’t sneak up and attack News,Features, Opinions,Israel, Science, Style or Arts andCulture.”Students and administratorshave seen the fusion coming foryears. “I think this is a wonder-ful investment for both papers,”remarked President Richie Jolly.“The realization that becomingan
back section wouldbenefit the student newspapersand the Jewish world at large willbreath new life into
The Coroner 
.” Jesus and Mohammed were re-cently spotted at Yeshiva Univer-sity’s Mendel Gottesman Librarychecking out a Passover cookbook.“I like matzo balls,” Jesus told
, “and I haven’t metanyone who makes them quite likemy mother.”“I like khoube [a meat-stuffeddumpling of Middle Eastern origin]better than standard kneidlach,”said Mohammed, “as I’m Miz-rahi.”Jesus and Mohammed are visit-ing New York after saving up travelmoney for 1,400 years. “Inflationover the past two millennia hasbeen insane,” complained Jesus.“Not to mention my unexpecteddeath in 70 C.E.”“Im going to visit Ground Zero,”said Mohammed.Moses, a recently hired rosh ye-shiva at the Rabbi Issac ElchananTheological Seminary, left theBeit Midrash for Gottesman whenstudents informed him of the oc-
 Jesus andMohammedSighted inGottesmanLibrary
Babylonia Carpenter
President Richard Joel will be addressing a moderately sized,pluralistic audience about “Jewish Values” at the annual Inter-
national Martian-Earthling Alliance of Unidentied Feminist
Objects for the Advancement of Beethoven, Bubamaisehsand Bananagrams this upcoming March. The lecture will befollowed by lox sushi and a special a capella performance of “This is the Song that Never Ends” by the Maccamunchkins.
Courtesy of Shifra Elzas
The Observer is publishedmonthly during theacademic year by the SternCollege for Women StudentCouncil. The staff of the paperretains the right to choosenewspaper content and todetermine the priority of stories. While unsignededitorials represent the viewsof the Observer’s editorialboard, all opinions expressedin signed editorials, columns,letters, and cartoons are theopinions of the writers orartists and do not necessar-ily reflect the opinions of TheObserver, Stern College forWomen, its student body, fac-ulty, or administration.All Observer content iscopyrighted and may not bereprinted without permission.
Thoughts of Student Leaders
The Yeshiva University
Purim 2010
Goatee McMurray
Tamara FreidenHannah Golden
Yaira Dubin
Rav Hamechaber
Lela Harbinger
Arts and Kishka
Prudence McPerfect
Is Real
Rosie the Riveter
Science and Health
Talia Kaufman
Sarah Clyde
Gila Mandelcorn
Avital Pessar
Hannah “Rockin” Robinow
Esperanza Sanguinofsky
Artiste in Rezidents
Random Sophomore
Even though it is my custom notto proselytize, I believe that—here,now and in the afterlife—it is mydivine right to use my monthly613 words on the inside cover of 
The UY Unobservant 
to win yousubtly over to my thinking, im-pressing and intimidating youwith my flawless syntax and clev-erly orchestrated, circular editorialstyle. But enough about me. (We’llreturn to me later, because you’llmiss me and I crave your admira-tion.)In recent years, my favorite Pu-rim lessons have derived from the
rather than the
 of the
. As I settled lastnight into my trusty armchair,a mini-
Kedem whis-key resting on my lap and my petparrot, Google Buzz, perched on
Tales of Hama-dinejad and the Feathery Threat
Goatee McMurray, Entenmann’s-in-Chocolate
my shoulder, a particular pas-sage caught my eye in “The Jewof Hardcore Chashivus: How OneGadol Preserved His Faith Fre-quenting the Abominable Snow-minyan and Teaching GodzillaHow to Bentsch.” This volume isavailable for a 0.2%discount at theSOY Seforim Sale with the pur-chase of a deepening-voiced Mi-ami Boys Choir member.The Democratic Republic of theCongoer Rebbe cites a fascinating
ktav yad 
from Rashid de Tehran,who discusses the political andeconomic turmoil of Old
, the location of the Pu-rim story. The
ktav yad 
, gleanedfrom the Gyro Genizah, revealsthat in the years coinciding withthe Esty-Mordy advocacy, dictatorHama-dinejad was busy enrichingnot only a collection of 
mut-ton sandwiches, but also a stock-pile of aggressive, sharp-beakedturkeys. According to ancientsources, Mesopotamia feared thatHama-dinejad would unleash theturkeys on the densely populatedJCCs of the Euphrates. Hama-dinejad, meanwhile, claimed thatPersia was breeding the turkeysfor feastful purposes. The tur-keys, he claimed, were to celebrateThanksgiving, on which pilgrims toPersia had once faced famine andthirst only to discover lots and lotsof oil, which they sold for camelsand their offspring (the latter of which were processed into tastycamelburgers). Yet, when Assyriaoffered to take the stockpile of aggressive, sharp-beaked turkeysand return them in the form of edible poultry, Hama-dinejad re-fused.The organization AmericanFriends of Esty-Mordy for Peacelobbied for international sanctionsagainst Persia, but nobody reallycared—especially China, whichharvested the organs of dissidentsfrom both countries in exchangefor a special Communist edi-tion of Camel Fever, a new videogame about belly dancing camelsdesigned by Hama-dinejad’s son,Bill.According to Rashid, during athree-day fast of prayer and re-pentance, Esty was inspired by herhunger. Without delay she rushedto her local Orthodox
andexplained that there was a way tocurb the Poultranian Threat: sim-ply
eat the birds.
And thus wasstarted the
for eatingturkeys. Soon after, Esty and herhusband, Mordy, came forwardto Ahasweatshirt about Hama-dinejad’s plot to destroy the Jews.Ahasweatshirt happened to be abig fan of “Seinfeld” and “Meet theFockers,” and it was a no-brainer toget rid of Hama-dinejad by ropinghim to a tree, basting him and let-ting the aggressive, sharp-beakedturkeys do the rest. Ahasweatshirtthen replaced Hama-dinejad withMordy as the kingdoms Ayatorah.A beautiful, inspiring story. Butnow, back to me. What can I im-plore you to learn from this tale?Firstly, never let a turkey in theway of your personal wellbeing.Secondly, tell all your friends thatGoatee McMurray is sophisticat-ed and reads complicated booksabout Yeti hunters; this will in-crease my chance of getting hiredwhen I graduate. Finally, read
TheUY Unobservant 
religiously, be-cause if you don’t, someone elsewill, and capitalism mandates thatthat person will be better than youin every way.
Note rom Your Jewish Mother:
 Your thighs aren’t at. I baked you a parve cake you instead o visiting tomy dying aunt. No need tothank me. Just eat.
 To advertise with The Observer email:
Please send comments andletters to the editor to
Purim 2010
Another meeting was held this week To give women in Stern College a peek Into the administrative leak To have all voices heard; both strong and weak.The name of the meeting was “Town HallWith President Joel throwing the ballAll students attended: large, small, short, and tallYagoda was packed—people stood by the wall.President Joel welcomes Dean BraunAs the best friend in townFor those with a frown,She lifts them up when they’re down.The new computer dean was introducedAnd into the students, internet hope he inducedAll the labs would no longer be usedBecause of the environmental conservation that fused.I have a question, said Tali LimoreAs president of Ethics on Campus club, we want much moreSomething must be done about the low attendance scoreAnd cheaters should be thrown out of school for sure.We take your words to heart, you raise a wonderful pointA new dean of academic integrity we must now anointIn terms of attendance, we would hate to disappoint…Maybe the programs for men and women can be joint?Yael Talmudit was the next woman to ask For a woman’s Smicha Masters- a laborious task So that in the light of the Talmud, women can bask It’s time to show the world what Stern really is, time to take off the mask.Shprintza Genendel jumped out of her seatWith her gargoyle sweater and skirt with a pleatStern should stop trying to always competeWe will never reach the level of the Rosh Yeshiva’s feet.More credit for classes, more bread and less fish,Since girls are on diets, the caf shouldn’t serve knish.One club wants to start every day with a tish,Someone expressed the pottery major wish.Yeshiva University-Yeshiva of diversity, where all unite as oneDifferent people and different opinions join in learning and fun.A recent survey of YeshivaUniversity’s Yeshiva College (YC)student body, conducted by theSociety for Campus Equality andWellness (SCEW), found a sur-prising –and to some, disturbing–number of heterosexual men oncampus.“When I read the numbers, I wasshocked,” said one YC student,who wishes to remain anonymous.“I mean, where have they beenhiding all this time?”The SCEW survey found that 79%of YC students have seen a het-erosexual man on the fourth floorof the Pollack Library; 83%haveseen a heterosexual man walk-ing into Golan Heights restaurant;and 92%have actually spoken to aheterosexual at least twice in thecourse of one semester.“I think it’s all a sham,” said aYC student walking out of BelferHall, who wishes to remain anon-ymous. “If you ask me, it’s justone guy, and everyone happens toknow him.”With the latest discovery stillfresh on campus, students arenot sure how to react. YeshivaUniversity, a Modern-Orthodoxinstitution, is generally acceptingof open expression when it comesto student and teacher identities.However, the apparent hetero-sexual population has not voicedits existence since YU’s foundingin 1886.“It’s weird…it’s like all of a sud-den they’re all over the place andwe can’t stop talking about them,”said one student from Stern Col-lege for Women (SCW), who wishesto remain anonymous.> Yeshiva College students havelaunched a new club called the YUIntolerance Club. The club’s stat-ed mission is to promote intoler-ance of all things leftist, liberal,or that start with the letter L. Inresponse, the YU Tolerance Clubissued a statement in support of tolerating the existence of the In-tolerance Club.> Assistant Writing Center DirectorAndrea announced that the SternCollege Writing Center would berelocating to a space large enoughto accommodate all of the stu-dents who have not been able toreceive appointments. Just joking.The Writing Center will remain outof sight and out of mind.> The Beren Campus Center forthe Jewish Future (CJF) storefrontwill set aside room for nursingmothers as well as provide daycare services. According to CJFDirector Rabbi Kenneth Brander,“Students’ infant children are thereal Jewish future.”> Beyonce announced at the
Yeshiva University-Yeshiva of DiversityThe Heterosexual Question
Last Week’s News Briefs
Rav Hamechaber
Indeed, the heterosexual stu-dents are making their voicesheard. They’ve dominated head-lines in the university presses, inseveral articles, such as
The Non- Gay Question
Relating to Hetero- sexuality,
Circling the Issue
, and
Inside the Closet 
.“Im really happy for them,” saida YC reporter for
The Commenta- tor 
–YC’s campus newspaper–whowishes to remain anonymous, “it’salmost as if they’ve become a me-dia sensation overnight. We can’tget enough of them, and neithercan our readers!”Students are not the only onesto voice their opinion on the sud-den emergence of a heterosexualpopulation. As Yeshiva Universityis a Jewish institution, rabbinicauthority has its say on the mat-ter as well.“Interesting. That’s the firstword that came to my mind whenI heard about this,” said MaHaRaTSally Smith, shlita. “The publicappearances might be assur, sincem’meila proclaiming one’s het-erosexuality b’reshus harabim ismechzei k’yuhara, and the gavrawill effectively be machti es hara-bim in the aveira of lo sachmod,”she concluded. MaHaRaT Smith isa well-respected halachic author-ity among her peers, and hopes tograduate to the level of “Rabbah”within the year.Yet the heterosexual lobby doesnot stop at newspaper headlines,despite the MaHaRaT’s psak hala-cha. According to the presidentof the Torah Ideals that Keep UsNourished (TIKUN) club, there maybe plans to organize a heterosex-ual panel in the coming months inorder to really bring the issue tothe forefront.“I don’t expect many people tocome, since the topic is so taboo,”said the TIKUN president, whowishes to remain anonymous, “butit’s still a worthwhile endeavor.”Grammy Awards that the singlewomen of Stern College were theinspiration for her hit single, “Allthe Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It).”Barnard students are shocked anddisappointed. Rebbetzin Sobolof-sky pledges to continue her fightto end the tragedy of singledom.> Rabbi Blau moderated a paneldiscussion on the controversialtopic of not having attended ShanaBet. Rabbi Twersky objected to thelack of tznius in publicizing one’sflaws.> 800 students attended a parshashiur in Weissberg Commons; 200more students were turned away.> The Yeshiva College DramaticSociety produced its own versionof the hit Broadway musical, “Inthe Heights
In the YCDS version,the protagonists battle their ro-mantic feelings for their chavrusasand struggle to make it home toWoodmere in time for Shabbos.> Sy Syms Business School DeanGinzberg recommended thatgraduating students join the Is-raeli army rather than enter the job market.> “Wii: the Stern Version” was re-leased. The video game primarilyinvolves climbing stairs and navi-gating the YUConnects website.> Dean Bacon announced her deci-sion to enroll in Yeshivat Maharat.“I’ve always wanted to be a Jewishcommunal leader,” she explained.“Now, I finally have the opportu-nity.”> Kushner Dining Hall staff dis-covered the reason for high caf prices: caf workers have beencooking money in food, which alsoexplains certain feelings followingcertain portion sizes of macaroni.The Office of Student Affairs’s re-sponse: fiber’s good for you.> Narcs shut down Brookdale afterreceiving a tip that “uptown” and“local” are actually code wordsused by drug dealers operatingout of Brookdale’s front lounge.Brookdale residents moved to allof the empty apartments in 35
 Street that no one could afford.currence. “So neither of you keep
?” questioned Moses,catching a glimpse of the matzoball recipe.“What’s it to you, shepherdude?”Jesus purportedly scowled at thenew rabbi, to which Moses replied,“You know, there’s speculationabout whether you even exist inthe
.”Jesus and Mohammed met forthe first time when they turneddown the 613 mitzvoth and be-came friends during the firstCrusade. They met randomly inJerusalem, a city then in turmoil.“It was a relief when the Jews re-turned in ’67,” said Mohammed,“because then JC and I were able tostart researching flights and hotelsseriously.”“It was inevitable,” explainedJesus of the friendship, once heand Mohammed were comfort-ably seated in Golan Heights withextra-
. “Afterall, I’m god and Mohammed is myprophet.”After Jesus takes his long-awaited photograph with the Na-ked Cowboy in Times Square, thepair is planning to party it up inthe deep South and along the In-dia-Pakistan border.
 Jesus andMohammed
Yeshiva University President Richard Joel announced yesterday that hewill challenge United States President Barack Obama in the 2012 presi-dential election. “Being president has been a longtime dream of mine, soI’m throwing in my hat,” explained Joel. “It’s about time America had aJewish president. My experiences as com
mander in chief here at Yeshivahave taught me how to ennoble and enable a divided and diffuse popula-tion. I’m ready for the big leagues.”Presidential fellows will vie to be President Joel’s successor as presi-dent of YU in a much-anticipated reality television show called “So YouThink You Can Be President?”
Presidential Happenings
Rav Hamechaber
Follow the Uptown Shuttle onTwitter! You’ll never have towait idle in the lounge again!www.twitter.com/theYUlovebus
continued from front page
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