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The Audition

The Audition

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Published by andrewcul2698
If you live in Los Angeles it's best to view the city as a guru, not unlike Yoda, whose methods can sometimes be baffling but who ultimately wants you to grow up and learn a few things.
If you live in Los Angeles it's best to view the city as a guru, not unlike Yoda, whose methods can sometimes be baffling but who ultimately wants you to grow up and learn a few things.

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Published by: andrewcul2698 on Feb 26, 2010
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05/11/2014

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The Audition
The casting place was up some stairs in a huge building with about ten separatecasting rooms. I found the one that said ³UPS´ and signed in. I looked around. There wasone corner of the room full of little girls in Ballerina outfits. In the middle of the roomwas a cluster of girls in bikinis. They were all blonde, rail-thin, and chatting on their cell phones. Some of them were actually attractive. In another corner were a bunch of middle-aged Asian guys in business suits. Waiting for an audition was like waiting in a freakydental office. The audition was always as painful as the dentist, sometimes more.In my corner of the room there were a few other guys like me, tall and skinny.They were all atrocious dorks, with pock-marked faces and horrible hair. These youngmen, like me, did not have girlfriends and had not had one in a long time. They were all, Iknew, desperate for success and probably lonely. Their parents had sent them money andthey were working at terrible, demeaning jobs. They probably could barely afford their rent. They sat alone and I went to the middle of the room so I wouldn¶t have to look atthem.After a long wait an attractive blonde girl came out of the audition room.³Everyone here for UPS?´We all grumbled our replies.³We¶ll be calling you in one by one.´She looked at a list and called my name first. I stood up.³Okay.´³Follow me.´
 
I was nervous and tired, and bleary-eyed from lack of sleep. I got in the room. Itwas small and well-lit. Several casting guys sat on a sofa on the opposite end of the room.One of them, a short, impatient one in his forties, talked from his seat. The lights were bright on me and I could barely see who was talking.³Stand on the tape,´ he said.I looked at the ground and stood on the tape facing the camera.³Okay, this scene takes place in a pool so we¶re gonna need to see you with your shirt off.´³Okay.´I took it off and stood there.³Alright, and you¶re drowning, so we¶re gonna need to see a lot of energy here.This is NOT comedy. It is NOT supposed to be funny. Everyone has been too over thetop today. Don¶t try too hard. But make it big.´³Alright.´³And we¶re just ad-libbing so you say whatever.´³Uh«´³Okay, ready? Alright, on action«okay? ACTION!´I flailed my arms and tried to look like I was drowning. I knew it looked stupid, I just wasn¶t feeling it.³Help! Help me, I¶m drowning! Oh God! Please! Help me!´³Okay´ he stopped me. ³You¶re going to have to tone it down about ten notches.´³Oh, sorry.´
 
³Keep it in
here,´
he said, motioning to the top of his head. ³Act between theears. We will see it. Let¶s go again. Keep it small, but intense. Action!´I did the whole thing again, trying to remember things from my acting classes. None of them were helping at all at this moment. What had I gone to college for?³Cut! You¶re trying too hard. It¶s not a comedy, man.´The other guys on the couch whispered into each other¶s ears. All three of themconsulted. The main guy turned to me.³Okay, thanks a lot. You¶re free to go.´³Okay.´I put my shirt on and left. I knew I had done another shitty job. I just knew itevery time, and I had no idea what they were trying to get me to do. The room was stillfull of bizarro characters talking loudly on their cell phones to their agents. The whole place was a carnival.Back at my car I just sat there. I thought about telling my agency to stop sendingme on these things. It was so stupid, but I wanted so badly to book one of these auditions.I didn¶t know what to do, I was so frustrated. I looked out at the street for some reason, just as a little puppy ran out into the road. Suddenly a garbage truck roared past andcrushed it with a disgusting crunch.³Oh my GOD!´ I said to no one. I got out of my car and went over to it. The poor thing¶s head had been flattened and its blood was making a circle of crimson in the road.I looked around to see if any owners were around. There was no one on the street. Ihadn¶t seen what house it came from. I couldn¶t see a tag or a collar. The dog was a

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