However, what had drawn him to the crane today was the solitude the cab gave him and the much neededsense of escaping the mess that he had made of his life. At that moment in that place -- his cherished place --he experienced a comfort and a peace that he imagined faith would give to those that had it. He reached intothe inside pocket of his jacket and produced a dog-eared photograph of his wife Brenda and their three boys.He rubbed the corners, trying to smooth it out, but the creases were too deep. He couldn't fix it. Like thefamily in the picture -- he couldn't fix what he had done.The love he felt for the family in his hands sharpened his guilt into wicked barbs in his chest. He and his wifehad planned their life well. In the early years they hadn't allowed their love for each other to distract themfrom their university courses, and they had made it through four years of living in different parts of thecountry while they studied. They then threw themselves into their respective jobs and getting themselvesnoticed by their employers. Once the money had been good enough they got married and bought a house andallowed themselves the luxury of a family, with the knowledge that they could give their children the goodstart in life they had both lacked themselves.Over the thirty-five years they had known each other, Brenda had gained some weight to her face and her skinhad lined in the delicate areas around her eyes and mouth, but she was still attractive and was all he hadneeded to fulfil his fantasies. He had the love of his wife, and his fantastic boys and he was a success in his job. That was supposed to be enough.It had been enough. Until he had seen the girl.He had never considered straying before -- it was against his moral code. Yet he had. She was unusual inappearance but strangely attractive. Considering the probable thirty year age gap she would never have lookedat him twice if she hadn't been a prostitute. Going to a prostitute was something else that he would never haveconsidered, yet he had been to her many times now.He had felt shame every time. It was an awful feeling. A feeling that he had wanted to cut out of him if hecould, along with his sin, but his shame hadn't been potent enough to stop him paying for her again and again.The cancer of guilt had grown with every visit. He had no idea of the going rate for such services, but knewshe was expensive. Even if she had cost less he had seen her every other day for months on end and he wouldstill be facing the same financial crisis.He had tried to stop himself, but she was beautiful. Even after the first month had destroyed his personalsavings, he hadn't been able to stop himself squandering the family savings, money that had been reserved forhis boy's education, their deposits on property and cars, and the nest egg for Brenda and himself in retirement.All gone on sex with a prostitute. Brenda was due an annual statement any time and his betrayal would beuncovered.He stifled a sob. He hated himself. Yet that wasn't enough to stop him meeting the girl. He would make up forit. He would replace all the blood money he had wasted and his family would never know what he had usedthe savings for. He might even retain the love and respect of his wife and boys. He looked at the cityscape of north London. It was a powerful panorama that imbued him with inner strength. He felt more than the weak man he had become. He felt free. Like a bird. Like a Giant. Like a God. Like the young man that had cravedthis view throughout his dreams and achievement of love, family and success.Clutching the photograph of his family he stepped out of the cab and plummeted. The air rushed over hisbody, pulling at his clothes like a thousand snatching hands. After this industrial accident the insurancepay-out would cover all his debts. He did it for Brenda, the girl who had lived next door to him as a child. Thegirl he had courted, the woman he had married. Did it for the babies he had cradled, the young men he hadraised. He did it for his family. He crammed his mind with their faces and scenes from their life together likehis own imagined heaven. They would be the last thing in his mind as he died. It would secure his link to
Steve Merrifield3