Back in November of 2005 Random had approached me and BC about doing

some work for his "Project" website. At this time I had stopped writing
columns for LOP to focus more time into a movie/music website me and some
friends had created. So we thought it would be cool to write our BC Does
Monkey column as a full on non-wrestling column. It took me quite some time
to piece the conversation that spawned this column back into it's original state
(got to love Trillian). However, with the exception of the main banner I was
unable to recover the original images. 

This is the only BC Does Monkey column that never got posted on LOP so only a
handful of people ever saw this and I'm sure even less remember it. For those
of you who ask about Skip Rogers these columns are what eventually took that
character from simply doing parodies into the direction I currently write in with
that character.

So sit back and enjoy or ignore whichever you prefer.

Get up, come on, get down with the Jesus! 

Jesus, the biggest spokesperson for the lowercase "t" that I've ever seen. 

That he is. Jesus is the real Mr. T. I pity the fool that crucify the savior. 

I bet it sucked going to school with Jesus as a classmate, there is no way you
could ever argue with him. It totally killed any youth "my dad can beat up your
dad" moments. 

My dad could beat up God though. He did once. Though, to be fair, God was
drunk off his ass. 

That's the downfall of the whole water to wine thing. 

Yeah. God should've taken those privileges away after Jesus wrapped his
Porsche around a telephone pole. I thought 16 was too young for a midlife
crisis, but what did I know? 
I bet God was pissed at Jesus for awhile. "A fucking carpenter? I made an
entire world and you widdle things out of wood." 

Oh, sure. He was just trying to get out of the family business though. God was
probably more pissed when he dropped out of school and got that Jewish girl
pregnant. You know who footed the bill for that shotgun wedding... and it
wasn't no Jew. 

Yeah I heard there was hell to pay when that girl's father found out. 

Now you know why the church is so anti-abortion. We could've had a whole
litter of Messiahs. Nope. He got a vasectomy shortly after that. 

Back then the procedure was rather crude due to the lack of proper medical
tools, they had to use their teeth. 

Sometimes the old ways are the best ways though. Just look at the whole
Christmas tree thing. 

Yeah and I wish PETA would stop being little bitches so we could go back to the
more traditional ornaments of years past. I mean what is unethical about
having the severed, bleeding heads of animals hanging from a tree in your
house to celebrate the holiday? 

The animals run this country, I tells ya. 

Yeah, starting with the Jackass in charge, of course I'm referring to Donald the
animated Donkey. 

Who voted for that guy anyway? He's lame. 

I think it was the Asians, some sort of ballot mishap, they have trouble seeing
straight. 

God, I wish we could just get a bunch of rich, white senior citizens together and
give them the power. Youth and minorities are just too stupid to do anything
right and we all know the poor are just biding their time until God casts them
into the fires of hell. 

I think you may be on to something, though to go a step further I think we

should have a few groups of rich, white senior citizens to keep each other in
check. 

Yes, but I think it's key that they all be friends. I mean, who wants to go to
work running America and have to be around people you don't like? 

Not to be picky, but the more of them with the last name of Johnson the better.
I mean if you really want to drive a point hard, you need a Johnson. 

Fuck it. Let's just get the Osbournes to do it. That way, when we get sick of
them, they'll just fade away and no one will ever remember it. 

Joan Osbourne? She does have a good head on her shoulders and hasn't been
doing anything lately. "What if God was one of us?" 

We'd be turning to alcohol to cope with the fact our kids were wrecking cars
and fucking strange Jewish girls without a rubber. That's a god complex for
you. 

Alcohol isn't bad for you. People say it's bad for your kidneys and liver, well
kidneys are like baby teeth. Once you get older they come out to make room for
your adultneys, and your liver, who needs a liver. 

I once knew a guy who offered me 20 bucks for my liver. I talked him up to 30.
We both had a hearty meal that night. 

It's a shame more people aren't willing to sacrifice their liver so that people
can have a good meal. I mean there are countries that are starving, why not cut
our your liver and mail it to them in a self-addressed envelope. That's the one
Christmas gift that keeps on giving. 

The average American liver can feed an Ethopia family of four for 6 months.
That statement has two numbers in it which means it's a statistic and thus,
true. 

Not only that, but the fact that it's on the internet makes it true multiplied by 6.
See we deliver the funny, and also the facts that help you learn, you don't get
that watching the Simpsons. 

Actually, that's where I learned that from. 

You sure it wasn't actually a lesbian porn, the two are actually very similar. 

Believe me. When you've been to church as many times as I have, you know
the difference between The Simpsons and lesbo porn. 

What exactly is the difference? 

Lesbo porn has a better soundtrack. 

Ah, all this time I just thought the Simpsons had just gotten really vulgar. 

During this, I've received 6 PMs at The Bar. 

They more than likely want to know the different between the Simpsons and
Lesbian porn, tell them to wait for the column to be posted, or google it. 

It's a shame more families don't sit down and discuss this stuff with their kids. 

My dad tried to, but then I passed out from the relentless beating he was giving
me at the time. Come to think of it maybe he wasn't telling me the difference
between the Simpsons and Lesbian porn maybe he was just beating my ass
after he got drunk and killed my dog. The memories just kind of blend
together. 

Whatever happened, I'm sure your dog deserved it. 

Without a doubt, sure he was only 6 months old, but he was a total prick. 

It's just that sort of thing that makes the holidays worth celebrating. 

Yeah, usually on Christmas, I get drunk myself and go kill people's dogs while
urinating on their front door. Thanks dad, I love you. 

Traditions are important. Egg nog is a tradition I hold dear to me this time of
year. 

Egg nog, killing dogs, Different Strokes for different folks. If it's good enough
for Gary Coleman, it's good enough for me. I mean, he was in the running for
Governor, so his opinion is at least 67% more important than anything I can
ever say. 

At least. Speaking of the Governor of California, wouldn't it be funny if you

went to Austria and everyone said you talked funny? 

I thought Austria didn't really exist. I always looked as it like this: Parts
Unknown is to wrestling as Austria is to bodybuilding.

That's an interesting theory. It rates somewhere between evolution and

calculus on the scale of things I can easily disprove.

I was able to disprove calculus while reading Mad Magazine in the early 90's,
evolution is a trickier beast though. 

Evolution is simple. Man came from monkeys, yet get AIDS when having sex
with monkeys. This is because we are not evolving from monkeys but rather
the monkeys are evolving from us, finding new ways to weaken and kill our
species. It's survival of the fittest, but in reverse. Death of the fittest. 

I was just playing dumb, with a name like mine you think I wouldn't know?
Danny Swyskeski, I know my shit. 

My real name?! Be ye a sorcerer, Monkey? 

I was one in the time of the Gwekza, now I am a simple man who enjoys the
simple things like masturbating using hollowed out apples. 

By the gods! If this is true, then you have the keys to all the secrets of the
universe. Answer me this one thing... Nick & Jessica, is it really over? 
Nick is really Ashlee Simpson, they faked the marriage to thrust her into the
spotlight. Once her second album came out, Jessica aborted the mission due to
the abomination that is "Boyfriend". 

I see. The murder of the original actress who played Daisy Duke suddenly
makes sense. Those damn Simpsons. They should've killed it after "La La". 

If you play "La La" backwards it's actually a moving tribute to the show Married
with Children, the character Al Bundy to be exact. 

I wrote a song about Kelly Bundy in third grade. Christian Applegate, by chance
if you read this... this means you are officially old now. Sorry. 

I wrote a song about Christian Slater just yesterday, ironically enough it was
entitled "La La". 

Excellent. Heathers was a dumb movie. 

Heathers is used for special government training missions, it's also used most
recently as a means of torture. They usually force needles into your rectum
while you are forced to watch Heathers and listen to Tatu. 

I don't think the Tatu chicks were really lesbians. I think they just faked it for
some reason. No idea why, but I get a weird feeling it has something to do with
my pants. 

The Tatu chicks weren't lesbians, they were Simpsons just listen to the
soundtrack. See I learned something. 

All the things she said is what Bart writes on the blackboard during the
opening. How could I have missed it? 

Really? I thought he wrote Millhouse loves the cock. Then again I don't even
have a television so how would I know. I tried downloading an episode once
but got an episode of Hanging With Mr. Cooper. 

Holly Robinson was the bomb diggity, so my black neighbor says. I really
should move, shouldn't I? 

Are you sure Holly Robinson isn't your neighbor? 

No. I'm not. They all look alike to me. 

Yeah I know what you mean, every time I look at one I just get utterly
confused. Every single unemployed actress looks exactly the same to me. 

Is she the one married to the retired professional athlete or is that the other
one? 

That's the other one. Or maybe I'm thinking of the one who married that guy
who used to make music but know he just sits around and does nothing but
talk about how cool he was 15 years ago. 

Oh. That girl was a slut. I saw her going down on the CEO of a major television
network and/or recording company not long ago. She had that "I wish I didn't
have to do this but I do so I might as well pretend I'm somewhere else like a
beach or a desert" type look in her eye. Sexy as hell. 

That's funny because sometimes I'm on the beach dreaming of going down on
the CEO of a major television network and/or recording company. It's a small
world. 

It's not as small as Disney would have you believe. I did some measuring. Did
you know the world is actually bigger than the entire state of Texas? 

I hope you have at least 20 pages of documentation to prove such an

outlandish statement as that. 

I don't and have no numbers so you'll just need to trust me. 

Cross your heart? 

Hope to die, and this time of year, I truly mean that. 

Good enough for me. Speaking of this time of year, any holiday plans? 

Yeah. I have a busy weekend though. I've got some lists to check over on
Saturday before heading out and making a few deliveries on Sunday. Luckily,
most people were assholes this year so it's less work than usual. Truthfully, I'm
just glad the mall gigs are over. 

I don't understand, are you a truck driver or something? 

I'm a sleigh driver. Oops. I mean, "slave driver". 

Slaves? You mean like that Britney Spears video? 

Yes. That was a tough video to make. I danced my ass off. 

I actually ruptured my testicle while that video was on. I wasn't dancing, I was
actually making a hot pocket. Hell I wasn't even watching the video, but it was
on in the background. 

Yep. That was the plan. It's now time for the part of the column that we like to
call... Name That Sinful Asian! 

He was the oldest brother on a show about the pains of growing up and also
the older brother of an actress who lived in a Full House....wait a second that
said Sinful Asian, why did I think it said has been actor who makes straight to
DVD religious movies. I need to get my eyes checked. 
Who is Kirk Cameron? 

I'm sorry you need to phrase your question in the form of an answer. 

No. I was asking. Who is Kirk Cameron? He just PMed me at Bar. 

Either a lesbian or a Simpson, we'll just have to wait for a song to come out to
solve that mystery. 

He wants to write a column with me about Christmas. What should I tell him? 

I would lean towards yes, but then I remembered him as the guest cousin on
Full House and I don't really feel we need that kind of baggage. 

True. "Monkey does BC does Kirk Cameron is a no." Send. Sure hope he takes it
well. 

Yeah, now if we were talking Bob Saget, then we'd have to say yes, that guy is
a professional ass kicker. It's a shame that he killed that guy before his UFC
debut, now his house if full of inmates. Merry Christmas Bob. 

Indeed. Happy Hanukkah too. Saget is, to my knowledge, the only practicing
Judeo-Christian in South Africa. Feliz Navidad, Senor Tanner. 

I don't believe in South Africa. 

Neither did Dave Coulier and look what happened to him. 

True, he became a Hockey fan. I sent him a card, but I don't think it helped. 

And to think. He had a family. Probably a wife. Just threw it all away for a nose
full of hockey. It's sad. 

Isn't it ironic, don't you think. 

It's like rain on your wedding day, which is really more like a good thing.
Imagine all that could go wrong on your wedding day. A fire. A tornado. A
hurricane. Rain? Rain is God's way of saying he doesn't approve but... it's your
life. 

You hear that New Orleans, God hates you, but not as much as India. 

Too much curry. 

So remember, when you are sitting around eating your Christmas dinner there
are people much more unfortunate than you, like Kirk Cameron. 

He's got a lot of praying to do to make up for watching his little sister in the
shower. 
So whether you are a Simpson, a lesbian, a hockey fan, or even someone who is
simply a disappointment to your family, keep your head up high because at
least you never jacked off to your sister. If you have, disrecard the last
sentence and remember these words to live by. You can dance if you want to,
leave your friends behind, because your friends don't danceand if they don't
dance, then their no friends of mine. 

See you at Kwanzaa!