A.N.

T
ATTACKS FOX You Said It
A t twelve o’clock on Thursday,
April 1st, a representative for the
organization Ants Not Tyrants,
or A.N.T, announced that the occupation
Everyone who bitched about the city not
plowing the snow, get a plow. Snow removal
®

of Fox Media Studios in Grand Junction is socialism. APRIL FOOLS

would finally be brought to a peaceful
conclusion. “We’ve accomplished our
goals, and in doing so, we’ve been able
to subsist on the finest trash America
has to offer.” said #1387293640,
acting as delegate for A.N.T., which
unlawfully entered Fox Media Studios
on December 8, 2009 and remained
embedded in the f loor boards there
until Thursday, running all programs
covertly and inundating the public
with their mindless propaganda.
A.N.T was formed in May 2009
when troops from the Queen of the
Fire Ants snuck into the burrow of the
Licorice Ants and usurped their Queen
before the drones had time to react.
The delegate for A.N.T, who happened
to be a Licorice Ant, admitted on
Thursday that no one knew what exactly
the definitive purpose behind the
occupation was, other than pleasing the
queen. The Fire Ant Queen, languishing
in putrid grandeur as she sucked a
mildewed scrap of frosting and farted
impossible larvae out of her exquisite
bunghole, commented,”They do what
I tell them. Their existence is entirely
dependent on mine, as my existence
Thanks to the city for finally cleaning up some
of the radioactive waste under Main St. It was
about time, don’t you think?
Why does the city keep building roundabouts?
Nobody here knows how to use them. Just the
other day I saw seven people catatonic driving
endlessly around and around at 7th and Main.
It’s just too hard.
Some lefty douche bag was telling me that we
don’t have any culture here in Grand Junction,
and I said, “What about Speedo Man?”
To everyone who is criticizing Obama for not
ending the wars, or for giving trillions to big
corporations, or for failing to close Guantana-
mo, etc., be patient. He inherited a big mess.
Stop questioning the police. It is standard pro-
cedure to move bodies. Don’t believe every-
thing you see on CSI.
Tea Party 2012. Enough said.
CA L L T O I N AC T I O N
APRIL 2010
TSA CREATES 5,000 BREAST AND BUTTOCKS
SQUEEZING JOBS
T
he Transportation Security Agency
(TSA) has admitted to systematic
failure in its dangerous dealings
with the Christmas Day bomber. As you
recall, this was the situation where a plane
on its way to Detroit had its passengers
overcome and subdue a South Asian man
who was attempting to light his buttocks
on fire. The perpetrator was transferred
to the FBI who quickly discovered he had
plastic explosives plastered all over his rear.
The TSA blamed its failure to detect
the butt-bomb on a lack of money, resources
and power. “Let’s face it. Our no fly list isn’t
much. We need tools, money and manpower,”
said TSA spokesman Steve Cock. He went
on to explain a vital new technique to be
VOL. 8 NO. 4
employed immediately at American airports.
“No one will pass without a firm
squeeze on the buttocks,” said Cock. Cock
went on to say that after some training,
his organization would be turning to a
developing threat: breasts. “Jihadists
have been known to place explosives over
their breasts, and that will soon stop.”
Women can expect their
breasts and buttocks’ to be fi rmly
squeezed prior to boarding. No one
on a plane need dread anymore the
nightmarish exploding breast scenario.
TSA expects to hire 5000 new agents
for this task. Persons who are interested in
squeezing breasts and buttocks’ for a living are
lightly encouraged to apply at www.tsa.gov.•

hinges totally on them, though, in
the end, I really have no idea why we
exist at all. The workers use their
“Its all
The Blue Pill wants you not to worry your pretty little
head about any of the issues of the world, and encourages
every good American to do their part in the war on terror

about
pleasureless lives gathering food for me by going back to sleep, watching TV, and buying shit.
and my horrid venture through reality The Blue Pill is a cooperative partnership between

safety.”
is spent locked in this abominable body the Department of Homeland Security and
shitting out filthy little uncaring grubs.” MegaCorp® Media that publishes only what the
Rodger Didlysquat, Master of Bile mainstream media and the Government censors allow.

—TSA
for the Fox Media Corporation, said
that no one had any idea that the ants

Officer
had been running the show. “We didn’t
notice that anything had changed.”•
The Blue Pill and all articles and images herein are
Steve
Cock—
copyrighted material. Any unauthorized reproduction
is prohibited and punishable by Federal Law by
up to $100,000 fine and/or five years in prison.
DO NOT PHOTOCOPY, OR DISTRIBUTE!

We Think About Things…So You Don’t Have Too!

Fair And Balanced
 CARBONATED OIL FOUND: NEWEST
W
BEVERAGE CRAZE
asteland, USA--”Soda is the new
oil,” according to fashion impresario
Tommy Hillfiger, remarking on the
startling March 30th discovery by Calfrac
crews in Western Colorado of tar black cola
seeping out of the holes they’d recently drilled.
“Where we used to find gobs of Texas
Tea, now we find geysers full of A&W!”
blurted Old Man Rivers, a supervisor
for Calfrac, who overdosed on caffeine
and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Not only has oil been usurped by a
tasty yet unrefreshing inky black beverage,
it seems that the fissures from which
natural gas once seeped are now spouting a
citrusy, transparent pop, similar to Sprite or
Sierra Mist. “It’s the durndest thing,” says
Ron Emmanuel, speaking via telephone
from his office in the White House.
“Sodey water dun popped out du groun’.”
It didn’t take long for the magnates of
the fashion world to realize their opportunity
to belittle and demean the masses of
America. Louis Vuitton, designer of some
utterly worthless, extravagantly-priced
female accouterments, told his poodle
HARMON WINS NOBEL PRIZE
A t a ceremony held by the Swedish
Academy on April 1st, Gary Harmon,
columnist for The Daily Sentinel, was
awarded the 2010 Nobel Prize in
Chemistry for proving that water
actually increases dehydration.
The Swedish Academy, famous for
such inventions as blond people,
snow, ABBA, neo-classical
power metal guitarist Yngwie
Malmsteer, neo-classical ABBA
power snoozers Ace of Base,
Dolph Lundgren and the USA’s favorite
political tool: the stockholm Syndrome, said
the importance of the discovery warranted
immediate action. “We had to have the
celebration as soon as possible.” explained the
ghost of Par Lagerkvist, 1951 Nobel Laureate
in Literature and one of the Academy’s
immortals. “Drinking water is killing the
people we love and if we want to stop this
horror, we need to act as fast as possible.
There’s no time to lose in the war on water.”
Harmon, a resident of Grand Junction,
Colorado, intellectual capital of the cosmos,
made his groundbreaking discovery while
drinking a cup of coffee after watching a
dog, Fabio, on Sunday, “The World will
rest in the crack of my butt!” This incident
occurred just fifteen hours after the initial
discovery of his plan to design a new hybrid
that runs exclusively on soda, or at least pay
someone to design it then slap his name on it.
Two hours later, from his lofty chateau
tucked neatly away in the slopes of Aspen,
Ralph Lauren, famous for his exceptionally
unexceptional line of clothing, Polo, which is
not only a style, but a way of life, revealed to
his Arabian Stallion, “I Ride You, then You
Ride Me” an all ready completed hybrid.
“It only runs on the crystal clear soda, none
of that mucky brown stuff,” he explained.
Jody Lollipop and Little Timmy Strudel
have been prancing through the fountain of
sweet, sticky carbonated sugar water since
the discovery on Tuesday and have no plans
of leaving. They say they will one day get
married and turn the once bleak oil field into
a playground similar to the one in Pinnoccio
before he and Lampwhick were turned into
donkeys by the evil ringmaster who bore a
striking resemblance to Dick Cheney (not
that anyone cares about him anymore).•
local barrista brew it. Having just hiked to
the top of Mount Garfield and back down,
Harmon was burning with thirst when he
stumbled upon a man with a portable
coffee cart, apparently just hanging
out in the foothills beneath the
Bookcliffs. Gary approached the
natty-headed samaritan, who stirred
up a cup of his finest Bulvarian for the
dwindling journalist, then vanished
into thin air with these words:
“It will only make you thirstier.”
Harmon, comprehending the incredible
truth in the warning and realizing that coffee
is essentially the synthesis of two separate
elements—coffee grounds and water—into
one and also seeing that the grounds are in
fact absent from the final product, came to
the conclusion that it must be the water that
causes the depletion of H2O from the body.
Now considered by many to be
the world’s leading alchemist, Harmon,
sporting a fresh tattoo reading,
“COINTELPRO 4 Life,” stated in his
acceptance speech, “We must do whatever
it takes to stop the ghouls for water!”•
MCCAIN HOLDS MISSING LINK
F or years, people have been looking
for a missing link, that is, a living
bridge between animals and man.
Anthropologists and theologians have an
ongoing debate if such a thing exists at all.
The problem is, they have been focusing on
apes. To understand the missing link, we
must look at the man-fish connection between
the Moray Eel and Senator John McCain.
Both prefer living in caves, with their
backs against the wall, which enables
them to quickly lash out at passerbys; both
have voracious appetites for meat (John
McCain once ate 148 pork chops at an Iowa
You Decide!
TEXANS DECLARED INVASIVE SPECIES
C olorado Division of Wildlife’s
spokesperson, Katie Haller, said today
that the department has declared
Texans to be an invasive species. “They
are a drain on our culture, on our economy,
and on our ecosystems.” Haller said.
Similar to other non-native invasive
and destructive species like Tamerisk,
Russian Boar, and Pine Beetles, Texans
use to many resources, destroy the land
base, and kill trees. “They also have huge
carbon footprints, and not to mention
road-hunting,” said Haller. Every fall large
numbers of Texans migrate north to hunt
native Coloradan animals like deer, elk, and
bears. But they road hunt, or drive around
and shoot animals from their trucks, which
is illegal in Colorado. “We’ve gotten more
and more complaints, about that and the gas
Caucus rally); both are solitary predators
with no use for friends or a social life.
Of course, the truly striking comparison
is the muscular jowls both possess. The
only other animal that comes close in
jowl size is the extinct Tyrannosaurus
Rex. Which interestingly enough, both
McCain and Morays are distant cousins of.
Thus far, McCain has refused
the telltale DNA tests that would
provide tale of the tape. Just how
human is McCain? Does he have gills?
These are questions that need
to be answered about our Senators.•
wells. They’re everywhere,” said Holler.
Like other invasive species, residents
are encouraged to clear any Texans
from their property. On public lands,
like Russain boar, it’s open kill season.
Though Texans still have rights as
American Citizens in Colorado, while
on public land they are considered open
game. “It’s just gotten to the point where
we need to choose between the Texans and
our way of life. I think the DOW made
the right choice,” said state congressman
Mike Johnson-(R). Johnson has made a
name for himself in Republican circles for
justly calling for a border fence to be built
around the state. “This is a good start,
but we need to really think about listing
Californians and anyone from the east
coast as invasives species,” said Johnson.•