Spiritual Friendship An Inquiring Friends Report IAN HUGHES | NEW SOUTH WALES REGIONAL Mt re call ourselves a. Society \ A ] of Friends, but do Quakers have a distinctive under- standing of spiitual friendship? El members and attenders of Wahroonga NSW Local Meeting met in October 2009 to explore this through three questions: ‘What is friendship? What is spiritual friend? and ‘Why do Quakers call ourselves friends?” We constructed three posters by writing answers to these questions on sticky notes and attaching them to large sheets of paper. Then we arranged the sticky-notes into clusters with similar meanings, and named each cluster. This does not imply that we were in unity about responses. If participants did not agree with a response they sought understanding from the person who wrote it, then added a further response which expressed their own ideas. Whats friendship? Our first question was “What is friendship? Tn ordinary English, what do ‘wemean when we call each other friends? Participants wrote that friendship is a link between people who are alike in some ways, and recognise and respect ‘one another, while accepting differences ‘This respect can be extended to all living things. For friendship to exist there must bbe some shared values or standards, including « recognition of equality, as expressed by Jesus when he said: T no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father have made known to you' (Jobn 15:15, [New International Version, 16 THEAUSTRALIAN FRIEND | MARCH 2010, EETING Friendship is selfless loving and giving, caring about the other person, their doings, needs, opinions and welfare, often putting their needs before our own. Friends can feel comfortable and at ease, when they spend time with each other; they tall listen understand, and do things for each other; they share the good and the baci share memories, interests, values and silence. A friend can simply be there with us, accepting us for who and what we are, accepting our off’ days and moods. ‘We can call our frend at any time and be welcomed in, Friends forgive each other easily and quickly. Ye not all fendships are the same. Talking and listening is ‘often important in women’s friendships, while menis friendships often focus more ‘on action, doing things together. One participant summed ie up as: Friendship requires commitment, intention and being there together with one another ~ not through duty but through love.” What isa spiritual friend? While we all knew what a friend is, we did not all know the meaning of ‘a spiritual friend’. Although we call ourselves “The Religious Society of Friends’, the term ‘spiritual friendship! is not commonly used among Quakers (Our inquiry suggests thar there isa tacie understanding of spiritual (or ‘eligious) friendship among Quakers that _may be different to the mainstream usage in Christian and other traditions. ‘Most responses framed spiritual friendship in active rather than passive terms, as something we do, rather than something we are. For example, the cluster labelled “Presence of spiri/God’ (which could be read as passive) included sticky notes with Seeing that of God in the other’ and Tistening with someone to bea God presence in cei if’. Quakers experience the presence of sprit though active listening, conversing, sharing each other presence and sharing sence. We deseribed spiritual fricndship as an intentional relationship, a decision rather ‘than something that just happens though shared experiences of background. A spiritual fiend is someone who can share a spisitual journey or spiritual dimension; share and test doubrs, beliefs and values. Spiritual friendship is not only about what we do, but how wwe do things. I is a meeting of minds, with active non-judgemental listening; withour fearing cule oF rejection; a space t0 explore and develop our own understanding and meaning. Spiscual Seiendship is a way of being accountable, not to our friend, but accountable to ourself and our experience of the spc through our spiritual friend; it involves ‘wo people plus the sprit. Over time, this meeting of minds can grow in depth, trast, mutual understanding and love, as we find a companion for ou inward journey, and are able to share the big issues at depth. One wrote of someone ‘who can “listen you into being’, in a silence which is beyond words. Qualities of trust, communion and depth grow over ‘The view of spiritual friendship expressed by these few Quakers contrists with much of the literature on spiritual fiendsbip, including by Quaker authors, which has been framed in a hierarchical model of spiritual direction. The Chistian edition of spiritual directiondares back at least to the early monastic life of 4th Century CE. traditions in the Buddhist teacher student, the Hindu guru-disciple and the ‘Taoist master-stadent relationships. Our workshop suggests another approach to spiritual friendship, grounded in egalitarian and reciprocal relationships. ‘Some of the responses pointed towards a ‘There are similar dyad of two equals, and others toa larger group of spiritual friends. It may be that this view is influenced by the growth of Friends’ Learning Circles at Wahroonga, or learning about Parker J Palmer’ circles of trust, However, it is unlikely that either of these innovations would gain traction without the tacit tradition of egalitarian spiritual friendship among Austalian Quakers. Though our group of 11 people may not be representative of a wider Quaker community, we wonder if a radically egalitarian understanding of spisitual friendship may be a distinctively Quaker contribution to wider conversations. This leads us to our third question. Why do we call ourselves Friends"? Some of us interpreted this as a historical issue, pointing to the need for friends during times of persecution. (Others considered "The Society of Friends to be an excellent ttle in the present. As members of ‘The Religious Society of Friends we declare a religious or spieitual friendship with our fellow Quakers Calling ourselves ‘Friends’ indicates a desire to be spicitual friends with understanding, acceptance and purpose a5 4 group; we make an intentional commitment to be friends; to belong to 2 community; to voluntarily treat each other as equals, without hierarchy; to sce ‘that of God’ in each of us; to care for and about each other; o be there for one another, to acknowledge our need for one another, and to offer help to each other. For Quakers, our friendship is based fon mutual acceptance, recognising. that of God in us all, and remembering the words of Jesus You are my fiends if you do what I command’ (John 15:14 NIV). We feel a special relationship within (Quakers which helps friendships to grow spiritually, and which some of us have not found in other religious congregations Weare not Sundays only’ Friends. We are able to extend this religious friendship to ‘others seeing ‘that of God” in all, inside or outside The Society. One participant summed up our responses as: historical reed combined with the intentional commitment to live with the Biblical Imperative of acceptance, equality, lke mindedness! Discussion We discovered a core meaning of ‘friendship’ across everyday friendship, spiritual friendship and membership of the Religious Society of Friends. While the emphasis shifts, Yriend” has similar meanings in each of these contexts. For tus at least, the core quality of friendship isa voluntarycommitment of mutual help between equals: This may be extended and amplified in various ways and directions, Before the workshop I undertook a reading program into friendship, as a member of a Friends study circle. I found authors gave different descriptions of friendship, depending on their interest, approach, method and purpose in writing. The key qualities of friendship T found in the literature were: compassion, sharing, caring, st, equality, voluntary, reciprocity, gratefulness, listening, mindfulness, awareness, social support, emotional support, practical help, and love ‘Gratefulness! was a quality of friendship mentioned in the literature which was not explicitly identified in our workshop. ‘Respect’ and forgivenese were explicitly mentioned in the workshop, but not highlighted in the lierature. We know who our friends are from an early age, but friendship as an abstract concept is more elusive, While there seems to be a common core, the meaning of friendship varies widely across different contexts, purposes and discourses. Our Inquiring Friends workshop pointed towacds an explicit egalitarian understanding of ‘spisitaal friendship which is implicit in Quaker practice. More deals ofthe workshop are on Irquiing ends website ot tp fendsningcon’ AF y3tng