Dear Father Christmas,

Re: Christmas Presents

I have been informed that you are the appropriate person to write to regarding matterspertaining to the celebration of Christmas and, more particularly, the question of giftsassociated therewith.I write on behalf of both myself and my sister, who, not being of an age to make herown representations, has duly authorised me to act on her behalf.Our principal concern is the vexed question of our lawful entitlement to presents andother gifts which it is customary to receive on or around 25 December. As I understandthe procedure, I am obliged to warrant to you that my behaviour in the preceding 12month period has been of such a standard (normally defined as ‘good’) as to elicit thereceipt of the aforementioned gifts that shall be of a nature suitable to my age,experience and aptitude.My sister will, of course, vouchsafe my conduct for the stipulated period and, of course,I can confirm that, in the main, her conduct has been satisfactory. You will no doubtwish to speak to my parents in this regard, and please take this letter as my expressconsent to the same. They are, I am informed, prepared to provide written referencesin order to expedite matters. You should note, however, that both parents frequently exhibit signs of tiredness andstress, which I anticipate they may attribute to their children (and which I wholly deny),and as such I would question their ability to distinguish bad behaviour from what Iwould consider appropriate conduct for someone in my circumstances.Without prejudice to the contents of any parental references I would like to point outthat the issue to do with the felt-tip pens was, as my sister will testify, wholly herresponsibility, and due sanctions were imposed at the time. I would respectfully suggestthat, having received her punishment, to withhold any presents would be adisproportionate response, given her age etc.There may have been incidents during the year which (whilst not admitted) could,prima facie, be considered as behaviour not meeting the requisite standard entitling meto presents in accordance with the procedure. It has been alleged that on or aroundJanuary of this year I was overcome with jealousy and forcefully took a number of items that were lawfully in the possession of my sister, assaulting her in the process. Again, penalties were imposed at the time, which I accepted. My behaviour in the more

recent past has, as again I am sure my sister will confirm, has been the model of siblingtenderness.The remaining allegations concern general disobedience to parental instruction. Beforetendering a guilty plea on those matters (which are not admitted), I would require fulldisclosure of witness statements and relevant evidence together with copies of the mostrecent parental behaviour policy, with an indication of the specific breaches thereof. You should note that, notwithstanding my father’s protestations to the contrary, thepolicy is: (i) drafted in liberal terms; (ii) extremely vague when it comes to theappropriate sanctions to be imposed regarding any given misconduct; (iii) subject to anumber of exceptions arising from custom and practice; and (iv) is appliedinconsistently.It should also be noted that I have displayed a number of positive attributes you oughtproperly to take into account as a counterbalance to any alleged misdemeanours.Indeed, I consider that I am well on the way to developing a personality full of humour,sociability, intelligence and wit. (I put it no higher than that.) My success is in no smallpart due to the example of my sister who, accordingly, should have her case reviewedin the light of this fact.Further, and in the alternative, I trust that full account will be taken of all mitigatingfactors which include, but are not limited to: the general untidiness of the house, whichprovides an environment where throwing things and messiness is encouraged; thetiredness of the principal carers, which induces an atmosphere less than conducive togood behaviour; and, frankly, the provocation of having to share Thomas the Tank Engine with others who fail to appreciate the significance of property ownership.My own view, for the avoidance of doubt, is that for children under 5 the twelve-monthrule should be relaxed, but disregarding that fact, I trust that you will accept that I (andmy sister) have satisfied the appropriate standard as set out in the procedure. My sisterand I reserve our rights with respect to any further proceedings against our parentsrelating to the references and the contents thereof, which need not concern you. A list of preferred toys etc will follow under separate cover, together with a plan of thehouse showing the location of the chimneys. Yours sincerelyJack Graham (Aged 3 ½ years)