The Heckler's Prospectus

The Heckler’s Prospectus

Or, Suggestions For Amplified Verbal Assaults

By Rick Paulas

Table of ContentsArizona Diamondbacks……………………………………………………………… 3Atlanta Braves………………………………………………………………………..….6Baltimore Orioles……………………………………………………………….………9Boston Red Sox………………………………………………………………….……..12Chicago Cubs…………………………………………………………………….…….15Chicago White Sox……………………………………………………………….…....18Cincinnati Reds………………………………………………………………………..21Cleveland Indians………………………………………………………………….….23Colorado Rockies…………………………………………………………………...…26Detroit Tigers…………………………………………………………………….…….29Florida Marlins………………………………………………………………….……..32Houston Astros……………………………………………………………………...…35Kansas City Royals……………………………………………………………………38Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim…………………………………………………….41Los Angeles Dodgers………………………………………………………….………44Milwaukee Brewers…………………………………………………………….……..47Minnesota Twins……………………………………………………………..……….49New York Mets………………………………………………………………………...52New York Yankees…………………………………………………………………….55Oakland Athletics……………………………………………………………………..58Philadelphia Phillies…………………………………………………………...……..61Pittsburgh Pirates…………………………………………………………………..…63St. Louis Cardinals…………………………………………………………………….66San Diego Padres……………………………………………………………...………69San Francisco Giants………………………………………………………………….72Seattle Mariners…………………………………………………………………….…75Tampa Bay Rays………………………………………………………………….……78Texas Rangers…………………………………………………………………………81Toronto Blue Jays…………………………………………………………………..…84Washington Nationals………………………………………………………………..86(To Be Used During the 2008 Season)

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Arizona Diamondbacks

Burke, Chris

– From the top prospect in the Astros organization in 2005, to apresumed role as a utility substitute this year with the Diamondbacks, it’s been aquick fall from grace for Burke, one which you should examine in a poster thatincludes an hilarious addendum on the bottom, as if he’s fallen so far he’s

off thechart

!

Byrnes, Eric

– Start by claiming how big of a fan you are, and how you follow allof his various radio and television shows, which deal mostly with his life off thefield. Then admit that, for the life of you, even though you know Byrnes ismarried, you’ve never seen or heard much about this alleged wife of his. On theother hand, you sure have heard a lot about his dog Bruin. Conclude yourexternal dialogue by hazarding an educating guess that Byrnes is fucking hisdog.

Drew, Stephen

- Relate the fact that, when parents say that “they love all of theirchildren equally”, really they’re just hedging their bets, reserving the right toname their favorite until one of them amounts to something. And now thatDrew

ʹ

s brother J.D. won a World Championship last year, you can imaginewhich ring they

ʹ

re throwing their hat into.

Haren, Dan

- Admit that while you might not have your finger on the pulse of baseball, one thing you

ʹ

ve been

hearin

ʹ

is that Dan

Haren

is overrated. When heasks who you heard this from, point to your friend and run away.

Hudson, Orlando

– After his team had clinched a playoff spot last year, O-Doggot a boo-boo on his thumb. One that was so bad that, after getting some advicefrom his agent, he elected to have season-ending surgery instead of gutting it outand trying to help his team in the post-season. As such, renting out a booth incenter field to display an empty jar which you’ve marked “Orlando Hudson’sLoyalty & Determination” should suffice.

Jackson, Conor

– His father, actor John M. Jackson, is most famous for his role asRear Admiral A.J. Chegwidden on the hit CBS show

JAG

, a title you shouldalways refer to with an added suffix of “-off”. Also, find out exactly what a “RearAdmiral” does, besides of course being a master of All Things Anal.

Johnson, Randy

- When you show up during the first few games dressed as a

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