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The Muddler - May2010

The Muddler - May2010

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Published by TheMuddler
themuddler.smu@gmail.com
themuddler.smu@gmail.com

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Published by: TheMuddler on May 03, 2010
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01/23/2013

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The Muddler
1
themuddler.smu@gmail.com Volume Three, Issue 9 & 10www.scribd.com/TheMuddler May 2010
Named “Best Publication on Campus” by the Dayly Campus (“Best of” Reader’s Poll)
Comedy Central edits South Park orbeing oensive. Where were they whenMind o Mencia was on?Continuing its tradition o excellence,SMU fres many o its competent acultyto und President Turner’s ‘Fountain o Broken Dreams’.Many Lambda Chis expelled rom rator “conduct unbecoming a gentleman.”Lesson: always give reach-arounds. Thousands “a bit shaken up” aterrecent earthquake.Disillusioned graduating seniorslearn the American Bar Association hasno relationship to alcohol. Bemoans onesenior, “Why did I even go to college i Ican’t show up or work hammered?”Many Lambda Chis expelled romrat. Another one bites the pillow.Highland Park PD shuts down BigBoi’s perormance, claiming they “didn’trealize he was black.”Many Lambda Chis expelled romrat. Annual “Rinse, Lather, Repizza” partycancelled.I you are interested in writing or TheMuddler or i you want to subscribeto the digital version o The Muddler,please alert us through e-mail at‘themuddler.smu@gmail.com
SMU— Program Council lookedlike a couple of retards trying tohump a doorknob when their out-door concert, featuring Big Boiand Girl Talk, was cancelled.The loud, blaring music wassupposedly the surprise cause ofthe cancellation. Big Boi rapped45-minutes before the policearrived, and Girl Talknever performed, leav-ing fans with collectiveblue balls.We all understandthat mistakes happen.It’s okay. What’s notokay, however, is writ-ing an Op-Ed for 
TheDayly Campus
, askingus not to ignore the“positive aspects” ofthe concert—which brings us toa segment we shamelessly stealfrom SNL:
Really!?!
Program Council’s ConcertChair wrote on April 27, “I under-stand that we are inconvenientlylocated smack in the middle of aresidential neighborhood, but Igured that our neighbors wouldbe understanding . . .” Really!?!Really, you “gured” UniversityPark residents would be under-standing of a loud rap concert ona weekday night. Gee, and I “g-ured” you guys weren’t morons.The Concert Chair added, “Oth-ers are saying we should have putthe concert indoors - but thinkabout Big Boi and Girl Talk in, say,McFarlin Auditorium: awkward.”Really? Do you think it would havebeen more awkward than, say,the concert being shut down halfway through? Really!?!“What we all seemto forget,” the Chair continued, “is Big Boihad an unbelievable45-minute set.” Really!?!Well, if I forgot it, it wasprobably because whenthe nearly 1,400 peopleat the concert learnedit was cancelled, westopped thinking aboutBig Boi and started thinking abouthow to survive the riot that wasbrewing. Seriously, it was aboutto become an all white version of
Do the Right Thing 
.Program Council spent a shit-ton of our tuition dollars on thislate-term abortion of a concert.I’d rather they rolled up our money and smoked it, becauseyou’d have to be high as balls tofuck up this badly and then writean Op-Ed stating: “I don’t regretany of it.”
Epic Fail o the Year: PC’s Concert
 
2
The Muddler
Good ChristianAdvice is writtenby syndicatedcolumnist Chris-tian Cornwalliswho has beenimparting hisvast knowledgeon those in needor many yearsor the generalbetterment o humankind.Christian is cur-rently a practicinggentleman o lei-sure and can be reached at ‘themuddler.smu@gmail.com’. I you have any ques-tions please send them with the headingDear Christian or add him as your riendon Facebook.
 Dear CC,My buddy and I run a littleshow called South Park. Recently,we ran into a bit of trouble whenNetwork Executives at ComedyCentral censored Muhammad outof one of our episodes.Since you seem to have hu-mongous balls and no consider-ation for how other people feel,we were wondering if you mightbe able to nd a way to print animage of Muhammad in your column. This would help our casein trying to get the image of Mu-hammad uncensored in our show.Best of Luck,Trey Parker and Matt StoneDear TP & MS,My column features an imageof Muhammad every month. Notmany people know this,but I am Muhammadreincarnate.As you can see to theleft, the writers at
TheMuddler 
have not cen-sored my image. Grant-ed, I do have a hand over my face. However, thoseoended at the pictureof me, Muhammad, canreach
The Muddler 
at:The Dayly CampusP.O. Box 55555Dallas, TX 75205 Best,Christian Cornwallis-----------------------------------------------Dear Christian,My husband is a computer programmer. When he calls mefrom work I can hear him typingon his keyboard. I nd this as rudeas people texting while they’rein the company of others. Myhusband thinks it is just ne andbecomes angry if I mention it.What do you think? -Wits-end Wife WW,I also nd it rude that he isdictating his emails and work tohis secretary while he’s on thephone with you. How are you toknow when he’s talking to her and when he’s talking to you?Oh wait, I just reread your letter. Apparently, he’s doing hisown typing? I’m lost here. I’venever typed or been in a situa-tion where I would be required totype. Sorry I can’t be of any help. Best,Christian Cornwallis P.S. Any typos found in my re-sponses are the sole responsibil-ity of my secretary. ----------------------------------------------Dear Christian,As my friends and I near gradu-ation, a mere two weeks away, Iwonder about proper etiquettefor going out to dinner. Whenshould we split the check, whenshould we just throw in cash,etc.?Any advice would be great. -Grubbing Graduate GG,Let me recommend the great-est method possible. Credit cardroulette. This will quickly separatethe men from the boys. Everyoneputs their credit card into a potand lets the waitress pick theloser. One pays, and the otherswill enjoy the spoils of missing thebill bullet. Best,Christian Cornwallis
 
May 2010
3
Hey Mustangs, it’s that time againto decide what you are doing dur-ing the next academic year. Mostwill decide to spend another year at SMU. Some brave students,however, will venture out into theworld for a study abroad adven-ture.SMU’s other student publica-tions will advise you on living ina culturally dierent country andexperimenting with dierentfoods, music, and leisure activi-ties. But we here at
The Muddler 
 know that’s not your main con-cern and encourage you to showthose foreigners how Americansdo
 
it . . . literaly. For your pleasure(hopefully), we present these
Muddler 
veried pick-up lines. 
Argentina
This countrymay have goodmeat, but giveme uno segun-do, and I’ll putit to shame.
China
I also believe in a one child policy,and girl, you are always going tobe my one and only baby.
Thailand
Hey girl, have you ever been toBangkok? I can take you theretonight. Roundtrip.
Uganda
Doctors say se-men is a greatsource of pro-tein, and damnbaby you lookhungry.
Mexico
There ain’t noborder that canseparate me fromyou tonight. Noteven one witha river and red-necks guarding itwith guns.
Brazil
Hey girl, do you like soccer be-cause you canPelé
(pay-LAY)
 with my ballsany time.
Kenya
I can help you with your drought,girl, I’ll be irrigating your sub-sa-haran region all night tonight.
Australia
Can I put my shrimp onyour body because youare one hot barbie.
France
You might as well sur-render now because I’minvading your borders whether you like it or not.
Israel
You can call me a Chanukahcandle because I can light your re for eight straight nights. 
Hungary
The only thingI’m hungry for in this wholecountry is your body covered inchocolate.
Jamaica
It’s nice to meet you,beautiful. Would you liketo smoke my joint?
Czech Republic
I just walked through theforest naked, would youCzech me for ticks?
Austria
I’ve got the soundtrack to theSound of Music in my room. Howbout we drink some Absinthe andbone to the beat?
Japan
I know I’m thetallest guy inthe country,but I swear toGod my cock’snot very big.
Fiji
I don’t know adamn thing about Fiji, please justfuck me tonight.
New Zealand
You can’t beat fresh fruit. I lovehow Kiwis are furry . . . and juicyon the inside. You are from here,right?
Afghanistan
Damn girlare you withAl Qaeda,cause themtitties aresome weap-ons of mass seduction.So good luck, and remember,wrap it up.
A Muddler How To: Picking Up Abroad

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