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Jokes Stolen Off the Internet

Jokes Stolen Off the Internet

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Published by whistjenn

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Published by: whistjenn on May 07, 2010
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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04/02/2014

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Jokes Stolen Off the Internet
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Some old, some new, some all too true --There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and S#%*headsI got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.I saw a voluptuous woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,"Implants?"Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make BloodyMarys.I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person youwant to annoy for the rest of your life.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 2 dollars at bowling alleys.I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in aswimming pool?Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up,you don't know where it's been."
 
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?You can drop her off anywhere.What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted.What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.Where does virgin wool come from?Ugly sheep.How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?It isn't hard.How can you piss off your wife while making love?Call her from your cell phone.What does the bride of a Polish man get that's longand hard on her wedding night? ... His last name.What's the down side to a threesome?You could disappoint two women instead of just one.How do you know you're really ugly?Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.Why are hurricanes named after women?Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car
 
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sundayafternoon whenhe came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the otherdirection."Hello," said the little boy."Hi," replied the little girl.
 
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy."I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answeredthe little girl."Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church.""Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy."I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl."What about you?""I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the littleboy.They discover that they are both going the same way so they decidedthat they'd walk together.They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partiallyflooded the road sothere was no way that they could get across to the other side withoutgetting wet."If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive,"said the little girl."My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied thelittle boy."I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off allmy clothes andhold them over my head and wade across.""That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the samething with my suit."So they both undressed and waded across to the other side withoutgetting their clothes wet.They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before puttingtheir clothes back onwhen the little boy finally
remarked
, "You know , I never did realizebefore just how muchdifference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
 A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Dr. gave him a jar,sent him home and told him to bring back a semen sample tomorrow.The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar,which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

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