FADE IN:

INT. THE SEQUENTIAL DETECTIVE AGENCY - DAY

Smolder sits on the couch and Alan sits on the desk.

SMOLDER
I can't believe he's gone.

ALAN
Yeah... it seems like it was just
yesterday when he acted out
his backstory in this very room.

SMOLDER
(patting the couch)
This was his car and bed.

ALAN
Are you sad?

Smolder stretches out on the couch.

SMOLDER
Nope. He was really annoying.

ALAN
I agree.

Smolder reaches under the couch and pulls out a book titled, "The Squirrel-Pigoen:
Nature's Deadliest Predator." He looks at the back of the book. Written on the back are
the words, "Property of" followed by an indistinguishable word and then the word
"Scullery".

SMOLDER
If Scullery were here she'd probably
tell us how awful that sounds.

ALAN
She always knows just what to say.

SMOLDER
(sighs)
 Yeah...

Jeff and Drake burst into the room. Smolder sits up.

DRAKE
Ohmygosh! We'vecrackedthecase!

SMOLDER
Sorry, didn't catch that.

JEFF
We've figured it out!

Smolder turns to face Alan.

ALAN
Have you noticed how we can
hardly ever hear people walking
up the stairs, Smolder?

SMOLDER
Yeah. I think it has something to do
with velocity ratios and arrow dynamic
perpetual motion physics...

ALAN
That's BS.

SMOLDER
You're right!

Drake turns to Jeff.

DRAKE
Further explanation may be required.

Smolder turns to Jeff and Drake.

SMOLDER
For once Drake's making sense.

JAKE
We found out what happened to
 Scullery.

The door SUDDENLY slams shut, startling Drake.

SMOLDER
Is she okay?

Drake cautiously opens the door and shuts it again.

JAKE
Probably. We found a contract she signed.
It was dated the same day she disappeared.

Drake opens the door again and starts swinging it back and forth.

ALAN
What was the contract for?

Drake closes the door and stares at it.

JAKE
It had something to do with agreeing to
leave for five years.

Drake turns away from the door.

DRAKE
It wasn't very clear.

ALAN
So Scullery agreed to leave for five years?

Drake walks over to the window.

SMOLDER
That's not like her at all.

DRAKE
(peering out the window)
It also said something about not
facing retribution from Felix the Cat.

ALAN
 I think you mean Felix Callkadawn.

Drake turns to face Alan.

DRAKE
Oh yeah, that's it.

Drake walks over to Smolder, snatches Scullery's book out of Smolder's hands, and
begins to look through it. He gets a series of weird looks on his face as he flips through
the book.

JEFF
The contract didn't say where she is
so...

SMOLDER
I know where she is...

Drake drops the book. Right before the book hits the floor it stops in midair then
SILENTLY sets down on the floor. It slides back under the couch to where it was before
Smolder picked it up.

DRAKE
But I thought--

SMOLDER
I just didn't know why she was
there but I know now. Felix Callkadawn
tricked her into signing that contract.

ALAN
So what are we gonna do now?

Smolder quietly stands up.

SMOLDER
We're gonna get her back!

CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK - EARLY MORNING

SUPER IN / OUT - "ONE WEEK LATER"

There's a small box sitting on the sidewalk. It's been wrapped in wrapping paper and it
has a small note attached to it. Next to the sidewalk are three large boxes. A few cars
line the street side of the sidewalk. SHIRT BADASS, asian, late twenties, walks down
the sidewalk, notices the small box, and picks it up.

ALAN
(muffled yelling)
Now!

Drake SUDDENLY appears and jumps on Shirt's back. Jeff dives out from behind a car
and grabs Shirt's legs. Smolder climbs out of one of the cars.

Shirt speaks with an Irish accent.

SHIRT
What's va on?

Smolder faces Shirt.

SMOLDER
Are you Shirt Badass?

SHIRT
Yes, Senor.

SMOLDER
Your coming with us.

Smolder punches Shirt in the face and Shirt passes out.

DRAKE
We just took out an irish ninja who
speaks Spanish!

CUT TO:

INT. THE SEQUENTIAL DETECTIVE AGENCY - DAY

Shirt is tied to a chair near the window. Drake is asleep on the couch and Jeff and
Smolder are sitting on the edge of the desk. Alan is sitting on top of the desk between
them.

Smolder checks his watch.

 ALAN
Maybe you hit him too hard.

Drake moves a little and then starts to thrash his arms about.

JEFF
Oh great.

Jeff rushes over to Drake and begins slapping Drake's face.

JEFF
Wake up! Wake up!

Drake opens his eyes and looks directly into Jeff's eyes.

DRAKE
You let me fall asleep?
(pauses)
You let me fall asleep!

Drake sits up.

DRAKE
(yelling)
I could have died!

SMOLDER
I sense crazy talk.

Drake flips over onto his stomach and SCREAMS into the seat cushion. Jeff turns to
Smolder.

JEFF
He thinks the guy from the Nightmare
on Elm Street movie is after him.

ALAN
Is he dreaming about him?

JEFF
I've already asked him that many times
but he says he can't remember his dreams.
 ALAN
Then why--

JEFF
I don't know.
(quietly)
I think he just wants attention.

Drake turns his head away from the seat cushion.

DRAKE
I don't want attention!

Drake starts SCREAMING into the seat cushion again. Shirt wakes up.

SHIRT
(groggily)
What's all that griterío about?

SMOLDER
So... you're awake.

SHIRT
Of course I'm awake you bloody
gringo.

SHIRT kicks the seat cushion that Drake's been screaming into.

SHIRT
Silencio estupido wanker!

Drake stops screaming and sits up.

DRAKE
What'd he just call me?

Smolder crouches down in front of Shirt.

SMOLDER
What's with the Irish accent and the
Spanish?
 SHIRT
This is how I always hable.

Smolder stands up and looks down on Shirt.

SMOLDER
Nobody hables like that. No more
Spanish.

SHIRT
But with out espanol I'll sonido
gas.

ALAN
This conversation just got super
freaky!

SMOLDER
Let's just cut to the chase sequence.
We figured out that you entered this
very office on May 7th at around 5:34
PM. Not long after that my partner
disappeared through that door.

Smolder points to the door in the corner of the room with the bookcase
in front of it.

SHIRT
Senor, that's not a puerta. That's
a bookcase.

SMOLDER
Shut up! We know for a fact that
you never left this office.

SHIRT
How do ya know all of this?

ALAN
There's a crazy drug dealer across
the street who video tapes everyone
who walks by.
 SHIRT
Okay fine. It's verdad. I was here.
Can I voy?

SMOLDER
You can voy after you tell me
how to get through that door.

SHIRT
That's all usted wanted from me?

Smolder nods his head.

SHIRT
Rapido, untie me!

DRAKE
(imitating Admiral Ackbar's voice)
It's a trap!

SHIRT
Only I can abrir the door.

SMOLDER
Fine.

Smolder unties Shirt. Jeff stands in front of the main door. Shirt walks
over to the bookcase and moves the bookcase away from the door.

SHIRT
Are you listo?

SMOLDER
If listo means sleepy then yes, but
if it means ready then... yes.

SHIRT
Bueno.

Shirt grabs the doorknob, turns it, and opens the door. Smolder pushes
Shirt aside and turns to Alan.
 SMOLDER
(to Alan)
I'm gonna bring her back, Alan.

ALAN
(to Smolder)
I know.

Smolder steps through the door and closes it behind him.

The SOUND of people yelling out on the streets.

SOLIDER (O. S.)

(on bullhorn)
This area is under quarantine until
further notice. Please stay inside.
No one is allowed to leave.

The SOUND of stuff being thrown at the SOLDIER.

SOLIDER (O. S.)

(on bullhorn)
Hey! I saw that!

DRAKE
I guess we're all stuck here.

ALAN
Oh crap!

CUT TO BLACK:
THE END