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For the Typical American SUV Driver

For the Typical American SUV Driver

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Published by fbidaily
Hey! what'up everyone! You should check my new website: http://FBIdaily.com video,photo and quotes that are fun,beautiful and inspirational
Hey! what'up everyone! You should check my new website: http://FBIdaily.com video,photo and quotes that are fun,beautiful and inspirational

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Published by: fbidaily on Apr 14, 2007
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02/12/2013

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For the typical American SUV driver
Q1: I made the original down payment on an H2 "Hummer" and I've been driving it for over half a year now and I still can't find my penis and women still hate me and call me anasshole. When does the H2 "Hummer" start to kick in? When will I finally be a real man?A1: Some new H2 owners will experience continued feelings of inadequacy for some timeafter they purchase their surrogate penis however rest assured that your perceptions arefalse: Women really do want to have sex with you, it's only the lesbians who continue to callyou names and take out restraining orders against you. Also don't worry: Your penis ishumongous now. Trust your new "Hummer."Q2: When I bought my Ford Expedition about a year ago, I was told that I would be going tothe mountains, driving through deserts and heavy mud, camping out under the stars with atleast two hot High School girls. Instead I'm stuck in traffic 90% of the time, slogging back andforth between home, K-Mart, and work. When will I start being a rugged mountain loggingman?A2: If you're experiencing city traffic and have not yet become an adventurous mountainman, the problem isn't with your SUV, it's with liberal environmentalists and CommunistDemocrats who are conspiring to destroy America's freedoms hand-in-hand with Iraqiterrorists (which really, really do exist.) With the election of President George W. Bush, thistemporary problem will shortly be corrected and any day now you'll become a rugged, action-filled adventurer.Q3: My neighbor bought a really manly SUV so I had to go buy one even bigger to prove I'ma better man. I was amused about a month later when he came around a bend on thefreeway at around 100 miles an hour and rolled it, killing himself and all his family membersand everyone in a couple of other cars. But I started wondering if I'm going to also die in ascreaming, burning wreck taking other people's kids out with me like he did. Should I worry?A4: No, there's no need to worry! All SUV accidents are investigated by the NationalTransportation Safety Board (NTSB) and media reports about massive carnage and an 11%greater fatality rate involving SUVs compared to girly cars are highly exaggerated. The NTSBhas consistently found in every single accident involving SUVs that other drivers have alwaysbeen at fault; it's never been the driver of an SUV that's ever caused an accident. Aneducation campaign is planned to inform drivers of girly cars that they must stop getting inthe way of real men like you and stop causing these accidents which took out your neighbor'sfamily. You have nothing to worry about.Q5: I can't stand it any more. I'm really getting tired of all the men, women, and children whoflip me off when I'm driving my H2 "Hummer" around town. What's their problem? What can Ido about these people who shout stuff like "PIG!" and "ASSHOLE!" and stuff as they flip meoff?A5: They're jealous of you. It's not anyone who can purchase an H2 "Hummer," after all, ittakes a real man and these people -- even the High School girls who flip you off -- are jealousof the fact that they can't be as manly a man as you are. What you should do is sit there andglare at them really, really bad: Let them know you're not going to take that guilt trip abusewithout giving them the glaring of their lives. Also many of them secretly want to have sexwith you but are too embarrassed to ask so you should ask them.
 
Q6: Someone keeps putting citations on my SUV's windshield claiming I'm supportingterrorism, killing the environment, that I'm a selfish pig, and that my SUV is maiming other drivers on the highway. These traffic citations are piling up because I don't see an address of where I need to go to fight these tickets in court. Will they come and arrest me for not payingthese tickets? I don't think I should have to since there's no address I can see on where tomail in fines.A6: No, you don't have to pay those or do anything with them. You may tear them up andthrow them away along with any parking ticket or other traffic citation you may be issued. Asan SUV owner you're entitled to special driving privileges that inferior men don't share, and if any police officer tells you differently, you should explain to the liberal about your rights as aSUV driver to do whatever the Hell you want when you want to do it.Q7: Why do so many people in other cars and people walking on the sidewalk hold up twofingers a couple of inches apart and point at my SUV and laugh?A7: They're probably trying to tell you that you have a door ajar or that they believe one of your tires is under inflated. Check to make sure that all of your doors are closed properly andif they are, be sure to check your tire pressure.Q8: About once a week or so I walk out to my SUV and I find a bumper sticker on my H2"Hummer" either saying I'm changing the environment or that I'm "compensating," whatever that means. What's happening to me?A8: There's a Communist Liberal by the name of Arianna Huffington who hates America andshe travels around the world putting these bumper stickers on people's Constitutionallyprotected SUVs and "Hummers" because she hates America. It's just loony liberal nut blather which doesn't mean anything so you can ignore it. If you want it to stop, you need to send her email and demand that she stop harassing you else you'll call the FBI. That'll make her stop.Q9: I think there's something wrong with my "Hummer." Every two days I have to refill my gastank even though I only drive around the city from home to work and back. I've checked for leaks and I don't smell leaking gasoline when I'm driving so I'm thinking there must be somereason why I'm only getting 10 miles to the gallon. What's up with that?A9: There's nothing wrong with your car. What's wrong is the notion that as an American your personal vehicle needs to be engineered for fuel economy -- a Communist notion if ever there was one. When you drive a "Hummer," you're driving freedom, liberty, apple pie, andGod -- the Christian God -- and nobody -- absolutely nobody! -- has the right to tell you todrive some Fresh wimpy girly car. When you fill your gas tank every other day, you're fillingyour tank with freedom.Q10: I got me one of those Hummies with the jungle camouflage paint job, really big tires,and I wear Army clothes when I drive my Hummie, just like my fellow Hummie drivers in Iraq.Question: am I allowed to shoot brown people like they do and get away with it like they do?And if so, what about homos? Can I shoot homos too if I see homos on the sidewalk?A10: Yes, as an H2 "Hummer" driver you're entitled to shoot as many brown-skinned peopleand homosexuals as you want to. There are a few police officers who might pull you over after engaging in your Constitutionally protected Second Amendment rights, but most policeofficers will notice your "Hummer," its really cool camouflage, and support the troops by notstopping you or giving you problems. If a police officer does pull you over, all you need do isshow him or her your Republican Party membership card or your National Rifel Associationmembership card and they'll cut you loose to continue exercising your American rights. Anypolice officer who still gives you a hassle is a closet queer and, of course, fair game.

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