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Beers for Jesus
Here
ʼ
s what happens when you invite a date to “Beers for Jesus” on Easter Sunday.You may or may not get struck down by the Big Man himself.I drove to my date and breezed out of the car wearing a cute sundress and greensandals that whispered: “I
ʼ
m effortless and hip. I drink PBR but shave my pits” —anoutfit that took hours of careful execution. He rolled up on his Schwinn. He was inskinny jeans, and Adidas sneakers (he made sure to tell me they were “vintage,” whichI
ʼ
m pretty sure just means they smell worse and there
ʼ
s even more gum on the bottomof them). His name is Byron (which is TOO close to “He –Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named”)but I rolled with it. I found two of his 6 tattoos charming. One of them he claimed was abuffalo, but I know it was Big Foot. I
ʼ
ve seen Unsolved Mysteries.He is a musician and builds amps. I listened to lots of information about tubes andspeakers and cabinet systems and then I asked him for another beer.I told him I was going to Jazzfest, to which he replied “I hate jazz.” I asked him where helikes to travel, he said “Berlin. I hate romantic cultures.” I asked him for another beer.Then the RedSox Yankees home opener game came on. It was an Easter miracle. Itold him I
ʼ
m from the Nation and that while I don
ʼ
t celebrate Easter, this is my religion.He said, “I hate watching sports. But I
ʼ
m really really good at ping pong.” I told himbaseball is just like ping pong only without the table, and with fewer Asians.So then when I say that I
ʼ
m getting drunk and hungry (ie ripe for ravaging) he says“guess we should go then.” And then, the skies open. It
ʼ
s monsooning. He takes off onhis Schwinn leaving me to navigate my way back to my car, in the pouring rain, withoutan umbrella.When I get to my car, I realized it had flooded. There is a leak on my door and it let thewater in. I slosh my way home and just want to go to bed and wake up and start over.When I get home I learn that lightening has struck the transformer and my building iswithout power. And it
ʼ
s still out. This morning I got dressed in the dark, and now I looklike Rainbow Bright with a hangover.
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