THE RICH & FLATULENT
Last month I went on tour to promote my new book, "A Hearing Aid Can Be ASound Investment," and was shocked by the attitudes and behavior of those cows andbulls known as celebrities. This herd of actors, athletes, moosicians, politicians, writersand other assorted meatia stars/assholes live in a fantasy world far remooved from theaverage Joe and Bessie.They are a sickly lot who because of fame and fortune believe they are better than us. Their phoniness is in a class with Ma Bell and their arrogance is fueled by egoslarger than the Milky Way. We label them "stars" and they actually begin to think thattheir shit don't smell. Well, the Guru Moo is here to tell you that it does smell and itsmells much worse than yours or mine. Let me incite you with some examples of thelardass star cretins I bumped into recently.
HARRY COWNICK, JR. was at JFK Airport and I watched as he was busted for having a weapon in his luggage. After a night in jail he was released and later onhis punishment for this crime was to tape a Public Service Cowmercial on thedangers and penalties involved in carrying an unlicensed gun. Celebrity crimedoes pay! You see most stars can afford high priced liars to get them off easy.The average bovine in the field would be getting lesbianized in the local stockadefor shoplifting a pair of earrings. Not this chump. Perhaps the legal? system wasafraid if they sent him to jail he would sing.
BARF BROOKS, the popular COW singer was on the Opera Winnebago Show thesame day I was and he would not shut up about his new calf. He acted like hewas the only bull in the world to ever father a calf. He now of course wanted toquit show business so he could spend more time with his little ones and be thegreatest papa in the universe. Well goddamn Barf, wouldn't all the hard working parents in the world love to quit their jobs and starve to death with their young uns'? You see, most of the rich and flatulent can stop working at any time, for any reason, because they have all our hard earned moolah to fall back on!
PAUL McCOWTNEY, Mr. Green Jeans himself, was on the boob tube the other day moaning about the hole in the ozone. He then proceeded to outline yet another 40 city world tour! Hay Mr. Environmental, jetting from city to city depletes the ozoneand those concerts you plug aren't powered by bovine gas. You use up morefossil fuel in a year than thousands of us do in a lifetime. As Little Richard would tell you-SHUT UP!! You see, most stars who get up on the soapbox expousing some cause could use a bath in their own pompous lather.