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noods2 9

noods2 9

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Published by Enginoods Editors

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Published by: Enginoods Editors on Apr 16, 2007
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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“We ain’t affilliated with nobody”
“Quit worrying. You'll be back on your knees in no time.”
And you thought that the internet was safe for children and pedophiles...If anybody has a better place we can store these, please let us know! Many free hats for you!
Now we’re not talking small time thievery here, we mean big theft, grand theft aeroplane size thievery.C’mon, you’ve always wanted to use a jet engine as a space heater/barbeque/torture device/kinky sex toy.Your employer gets to abuse you for 4 months (both financially and sexually, how many of you really read theco-op agreement?), you might as well get something back, like a tank. You would be amazed what you cantake apart with a standard set of screwdrivers, pliers, a large hammer and some beer. Don’t just stealphotocopies, steal photocopiers. With this clear list of instructions, you will be able to laugh at all of thoseother students who steal pens and whiteboard markers. It is a lot easier to fence a car assembly robot thanthe closely guarded spiral notepads. Just remember to start early, think smart, cover your trail and blame it allon the full time (reads fireable) employee next to you. Even better steal trade secrets; they are worth theirweight in gold!1Always carry a full set of both metric and imperial sockets with you. You never know when youmight need either. Disguise these as your lunch, if they have metal detectors say you have irondeficiency and need to eat very iron rich foods. Like ferrous chicken or spaghetti with iron filings ormagnetic manicotti.2Go out for lunch often. Not only does this allow you to sneak stuff to your car, but restaurants havebooze. And booze makes stealin’ fun.3Take a lot of pee breaks … to your car.4Wear baggy pants, lots of sweaters… in the summer. Parka’s are all the rage in plus 90 weather,especially when you’ve removed the feathers and replaced them with the capacitors of the Boeing747.5Always sell all stolen space plans to the Russians. They pay top dollar.6Make sure when smuggling out pharmaceuticals, you use extra strength condoms so they don’t break in your stomach. Ribbed condoms can get stuck in your throat. We suggest lube, anything to make itgo down easier. After lots of practice, you’ll be able to get rid of your gag reflex.7Your body has many cavities.8Women have more hiding places than men.9If you hold the VP’s family hostage, you can get away with murder. If you murder the VP’s family,you can get away with grand theft aeroplane. If you just murder the VP, you can fuck his wife, hisdaughter, the prom queen and get away with a spy satellite dish with lasers.10We have not mentioned monkeys yet have we?11Plutonium rods can be chopped up to look like Julianne fries. Conversely, Julianne fries can be puttogether to be made to look strikingly like plutonium rods. This is both a great party gag and can beused to fuck with terrorists heads!12As a last resort, kill everybody at your company. Nobody can stop you from stealing anything then!And you get to play with dead bodies! If you work at a defence company, you can play real life G IJoes but it’s hard to find somebody to play Stormshadow! (Oh, and wash your hands ‘cause corpsesis dirty.)
“I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one eye on me.”
“Somehow not antisocial enough”
Mechs are a Bitch371Between beer and Jackass stunts, how the shit are you passing?Tilt Full307Its still Lent.The Sims257Graduate already, will you?!?!Mechrophiliacs223What are you, Scottish, Kiwi, or Spanish?SYaniDE220Where the fuck did you go?2" Floppies96Only 2 more weeks of Clegg! YES!!!Garrett89Happy Birthday! (All your beers are on Clegg!)Comedians82Keep your day job.Transformers65Holy shit. Matan finally made it!Chemical Bondage60Drank 12, lost 100 - Way to go, Sir Pukes-a-lotBeerBarons42The answer to Life, The Universe and Everything.Dear Enginoods,In response to the 1B chem bashing... We’re the rest of the fucking class. If you guys think you are gods gift to drinkingin engineering, you’re sorely mistaken. Fuckin’ challenge any of use to a drink off and we’ll see how’s puking their gutsout first (and hopefully not all over the bar in POETS, cause thats just fucking sad). Oh, and by the way, since youobviously have enough money to carry our whole class, maybe you’d like to buy us some beer, after all, we’re justcoming off of 8 consequtive months of school and since mommy and daddy aren’t paying our tuition, most of us arebroke as hell. If you feel the need to prove yourselves in the drinking realm, why don’t you try boat racing, (oh, right, allyou drink are fucking coolers.... BAHA) instead of getting pissed during physics tutorial. And what the fuck were youthinking?!? do you really think writing a letter to ‘Noods bitching about your class was a great idea?? In case you forgot,dumbass, you have to see us almost every day for the next five years.... And just to let you know, it’s not hard to guesswho the three of you are. Therefore, and in conclusion, FUCK OFF, get some real class spirit and enjoy your beer, dontbrag about it!Sincerely,1B Chems minus 3.....
Usually, we wouldn’t print this bitchy, infighting shit, but this shit takes up space, and it’s funny as hell, but not  for the reasons they intended. First of all, we’re trying to figure out what the fuck “consequtive” means, but  you’ve obviously been doing it for eight months straight. We presume it has something to do with anal sex and sock puppets. And what’s all this about wondering how to puke out your guts? It’s really not all that complicated, and if you’ve never puked, you just haven’t been drinking enough.We’re sorry that your mom isn’t paying your tuition anymore-if it’s any consolation, she’s still paying ours (by theway, if you talk to her she still owes us for last weekend).Finally, you should know by now that none of you are god’s gift to drinking in Engineering, or drinkinganywhere for that matter. Not even one of those loser made up gods like Jebus would want anything to do with you fucks. Let’s put it this way, on a scale of one to ten, you fucks rate about a negative twelve (slightly above pond scum). Oh, and at this rate, it won’t be the next five years, but the next seven...
Killin’ ain’t just for the US anymore!
“Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?”
 A  A  A  A  A xis Of Evilxis Of Evilxis Of Evilxis Of Evilxis Of Evil
From SatirewireFrom SatirewireFrom SatirewireFrom SatirewireFrom Satirewire
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China, and Syria today announcedthey had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumbname. “Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.“Everybody knows we’re the best evils... best at being evil...we’re the best.”Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.“They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. “An Axis can’t have more than threecountries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War IIyou had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake.Ours is wickedly cool.”International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopoliticalchairs.Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the “Axis of Somewhat Evil,” forcing Somalia to join withUganda and Myanmar in the “Axis of Occasionally Evil,” while Bulgaria,Indonesia and Russia establishedthe “Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.”With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, andRwanda applied to be called the “Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Askedto Host the Olympics.”Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the “Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But SecretlyHave Some Nasty Thoughts About America,” while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the“Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.” “That’s not a threat, really, justsomething we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bushgranted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries WhoseNames End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay,Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s onlybecause no one asked them.

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