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WICKEDPEDIA
It would be as obvious to most that the task set before the Moderators of the
Mercury Rooms was pretty much as impossible as it would be for a Cauliflower to
suddenly sprout limbs, take up arms and declare war upon Serbia. Luckily the
Moderators in question never say “die” *1. But, with an entire internet to search, it was
clear to all of them that finding the location of the evil Buster would be about as easy as
finding any kind of nutritional value in a Big Mac.
‘So, explain to me again what we’re doing,’ Ron grimaced as Elion threw a large bag full
of supplies at him.
‘Like I said,’ Elion huffed. ‘We’ve got to find Red before Buster extracts the ALLUC
security codes from him.’
‘Nice reminder of the plot points,’ Pun smiled wryly as he placed his copy of Rapist
Monthly back inside his coat pocket. ‘But I can’t help but notice that this whole thing
doesn’t revolve around me at all.’
‘There’s a reason for that,’ Richy said with a feigned smile. Pun stuck his tongue out at
the giant Domo.
‘We’ve got no idea where to start looking at all though?’ Ron huffed.
‘None,’ Elion returned a similar frown of irritation. What was he getting himself into? The
impossible loomed at him once more, he was beginning to feel that it had out-stayed it’s
welcome a little.
‘Seriously guys,’ Beakedbard moaned. ‘This really seems like a lot of hard work.
Shouldn’t one of us stay here just in case Red finds his own way back?’
‘You’re going,’ Vash said with a cluck, throwing a rucksack at the already partially
stoned Hippo.
‘Awe,’ Beakedbard moaned. ‘Well then, I should at least get the coolest team members
then.’
‘That would be us,’ Roxy said, coming over to stand by him with McKellion in tow.
‘HI!’ McKellion grinned enthusiastically at Beakedbard.
‘Crap,’ Beakedbard said, slumping against a wall.
‘I’ll come too,’ Skelifish said, putting aside the stone he had been using to sharpen his
scythe. ‘Otherwise I’d be afraid that this team wouldn’t be coming back at all.’
‘Erm, excuse me,’ Roxy scowled. ‘I’m probably the most capable member here.’
‘Keep telling yourself that,’ Skelifish said with a smirk.
‘You guys FAIL!’ Jazz shouted sardonically. ‘You expect Jazz to follow you all over the
internet? Why not just change the fucking access codes? You losers. Jazz would make a
better Moderator than Red. You all must see it. Jazz is the way. Change the codes for
Jazz.’
‘We’ve told you why we can’t just change the codes!!’ Jason huffed. ‘Moderators can
access all areas automatically. Plus, who knows what horrible things Buster is doing to
Red right now!’
Yanwaell held up a picture of a large-eyed fish with the words “O NOEZ!” written
on it.
‘I agree,’ Danny said angrily, punching his palm. ‘We’ve got to save Red pronto!’
‘Does Jazz really care?’ Jazz mulled to himself. ‘This does not concern Jazz … Jazz
concludes this is not important.’
‘I’ve tried doing a locating spell on Red already,’ Will-ko grumbled from where he had
perched on a crate of supplies. ‘But I still don’t have any real magical control out here on
the open Internet. Get me in the World of Warcraft and I’ll own everyone … but other
than that … I’m stumped.’
1
Well, they will obviously use the word. They are not deficient in their vocabulary skills
‘I am travelling to the World of Warcraft,’ Totoro said, sheathing his large sword. ‘I have
not been to my homeland in some time. I will not be welcomed by my people, but I still
have many contacts throughout the realms.’
‘No thanks,’ Will-ko said. ‘I’m going with Jeebus. He’s already told me where he’s going to
look first.’
‘Where?’ Jazz asked quietly. Will-ko whispered the answer in Jazz’s ear.
‘Jazz will also be going with Jeebus!’ Jazz said excitedly.
‘Just so you know,’ Jeebus said, loading his giant gun and yanking on Waldo’s lead. ‘I’m
not slowing down for you guys … and if we see pigeons at all … you do as I say … I don’t
like entering into combat situations with civilians, so if I tell you to take cover, you take
cover, right?’
‘Of course,’ Will-ko nodded, rolling his eyes. ‘Wouldn’t want to be pecked to death now
would I?’
Jeebus glared at the young magician. ‘Peck?’ He grunted. ‘If they get their hands
on you magic boy … pretty soon … you’ll be begging for them to peck you to death … I’ve
seen things … so many things … … …’
‘Perhaps Jazz should go with a team that is not full of insane people,’ Jazz said,
drumming his chin.
‘I think that Carmen is my favourite Opera!’ An unfamiliar shirtless teenager with long
hair said in a loud voice as he wandered into the room. ‘It’s so moving, subtle yet
elegant.’
‘Lovely,’ Elion nodded. ‘Now go away Musica, this is a private room.’
‘There’s no need to be rude,’ Musica pouted and slumped off out into the Off-Topic
Section’s Courtyard.
‘Wonderful idea, Video Lord,’ Elion huffed.
‘It was the best I could do at short notice,’ Freaka-chu retorted. ‘I had to disguise this
room somehow, couldn’t stick up a room called “Help us to Save Red from Buster’s evil
clutches before he destroys The Mercury Rooms” now could I? I mean, yes we’d get a lot
of volunteers; more than we’d need of course but, like Fink said, the fewer people that
know Buster can walk in here any time he feels like and make merry with the
apocalypse, the better.’
‘And, naturally, making a room about people’s favourite Operas was the most logical
choice as a disguise,’ Manhunter said testily.
‘We could have done this in the Will-ko room,’ Will-ko grumbled.
‘Well, we’re here now,’ said Jason, folding his arms over his bio-hazard T-shirt. ‘So who’s
coming? And who’s going with who? We have to split up if we have any chance of finding
Red.’
Yanwaell produced another picture of a grinning man sat a computer which read
“WOW! OLD NEWS IS SO EXCITING”
‘Yeah, I know we keep saying it,’ Danny huffed. ‘But we don’t really have a choice in the
matter. We’ll get more of the internet searched if we split up.’
‘We’ll go,’ Arina said, raising her arm and Angelus’ at the same time.
‘Will we?’ Angelus asked, bemused.
‘Fine, you two can come with me to Dailymotion,’ Vash nodded.
‘You fancy coming with me, Chris?’ Freaka-chu asked the Manhunter.
‘Why not?’ Manhunter replied. ‘I haven’t diced with death in hours.’
‘Ace,’ Freaka-chu nodded. ‘I’ll go get the RETARDIS warmed up.’
‘The RETARDIS?’ Manhunter frowned. ‘I think I will take a rain check.’
‘What? Oh, come off it!’ Freaka-chu waved his hand dismissively. ‘Crikey, one
misadventure in ancient Rome-’
‘I nearly lost an arm!’ Manhunter interrupted.
‘Nearly,’ Freaka-chu said pointedly. ‘Nearly lost an arm. You’ve still got them both
haven’t you?’
‘That’s not the point,’ Manhunter said, narrowing his eyes.
‘No, the point is that we’re wasting valuable time!’ Freaka-chu said, zipping up the small
black and red rucksack he had brought along. ‘So, c’mon Chris, adventure awaits us!’
‘Fine,’ Manhunter said dryly, grabbing Asawin and CooCooKaJoo tightly. ‘But I’m not
getting stuck in prehistoric France alone this time.’
‘I SHALL ALSO REQUIRE A TEAM,’ Mooney shouted over he room. ‘I AM MOONEY
AFTERALL … MOST PEOPLE SHOULD WANT TO BE ON THE COOL TEAM’
‘I’ll go with you Mooney,’ Duffy said enthusiastically.
‘REALLY?’ Mooney said in alarm. ‘NOBODY ELSE?’
‘I am also liking to go,’ Lazy said, pocketing his Dutch-to-English Phrase book. ‘Though I
am not of the being sure, where the things go on … no.’
‘OH MY GOD,’ Mooney whined, his wings sagging.
‘Yeah, I’m up for a ride with the Moonster!’ Richy smiled.
‘OH, THANK GOODNESS!’ Mooney said with a sigh of relief.
‘Okay then … Goddamit,’ Elion huffed. ‘The rest of you get into teams and get out there,’
he nodded, heading towards the door with Ron and PunBB in tow. ‘QUICKLY!’ He added
as he exited the room out into the Off-Topic Section courtyard, at the far end of which
the exit to the Index Section lay.
The dazzling Internet sky loomed above them as they exited the Off-Topic dome
and crossed over to the exit portal. Elion could see the massive spire of the building that
housed the Black Hole operating System. The gaping void into which all the links (and
one time, himself) were cast.
‘So where are we starting?’ PunBB asked excitedly. ‘I know this great rape forum we
could try, McKellion told me about it.’
‘Maybe not,’ Elion sighed. ‘I think we should start somewhere a little more productive.’
‘Google?’ Ron offered.
‘Google?!’ Elion spat. ‘For anything else maybe. But how many results do you think we’d
get if we asked them to locate “Red” for us, or “Buster”? Use your goddam head, Ron.
You’d have to be a complete retarded moron to even think about using Google at a time
like this!’
‘So … are we gonna ask Jeeves instead?’ Ron queried.
‘Jeeves couldn’t find chicken at a goddam KFC,’ Elion replied as they exited the Mercury
Rooms via the Exit Portal. ‘We’re going to Wikipedia. That Buster’s such an egomaniac; I
bet he’s submitted an entire section about himself.’
‘Oooh, Good thinking,’ PunBB grinned as they disappeared into the ether that was the
internet. The portal disappeared with a flash behind them.
‘Keep up!’ Freaka-chu called over his shoulder as he walked briskly past the space where
the portal had just been. ‘We’ve wasted enough time already.’ He fumbled in his many
pockets and finally produced a key with which he opened the door on the front of the Red
Pillar Box he had arrived in that, somehow, he had since managed to park outside beside
the portal with pinpoint accuracy. He claimed it was a great success, attributed to his
keen Video Lord skills of navigation. He didn’t mention that he had been aiming for the
other end of The Mercury Rooms entirely.
‘And I wonder how much more time we’ll waste while we’re lost in the Antarctic,’
Manhunter commented quietly.
‘Is that a possibility?’ Asawin asked nervously.
‘Not really a possibility,’ Freaka-chu said as he ushered the trio inside the RETARDIS.
‘More of a probability … but that’s not the point, we’ve got a mission on our hands. We
need to pick a starting point first,’ he said as he closed the door behind them. ‘I think
Google will be a good place to begin.’