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TSFR Chapter2

TSFR Chapter2

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Published by The Dr.

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Published by: The Dr. on Jun 09, 2008
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10/07/2012

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CHAPTER TWOWICKEDPEDIA
It would be as obvious to most that the task set before the Moderators of theMercury Rooms was pretty much as impossible as it would be for a Cauliflower tosuddenly sprout limbs, take up arms and declare war upon Serbia. Luckily theModerators in question never say “die” *
1
. But, with an entire internet to search, it wasclear to all of them that finding the location of the evil Buster would be about as easy asfinding any kind of nutritional value in a Big Mac.‘So, explain to me again what we’re doing,’ Ron grimaced as Elion threw a large bag fullof supplies at him.‘Like I said,’ Elion huffed. ‘We’ve got to find Red before Buster extracts the ALLUCsecurity codes from him.’ ‘Nice reminder of the plot points,’ Pun smiled wryly as he placed his copy of RapistMonthly back inside his coat pocket. ‘But I can’t help but notice that this whole thingdoesn’t revolve around me at all.’ ‘There’s a reason for that,’ Richy said with a feigned smile. Pun stuck his tongue out atthe giant Domo.‘We’ve got no idea where to start looking at all though?’ Ron huffed.‘None,’ Elion returned a similar frown of irritation. What was he getting himself into? Theimpossible loomed at him once more, he was beginning to feel that it had out-stayed it’s welcome a little.‘Seriously guys,’ Beakedbard moaned. ‘This
really 
seems like a lot of hard work.Shouldn’t one of us stay here just in case Red finds his own way back?’ ‘You’re going,’ Vash said with a cluck, throwing a rucksack at the already partiallystoned Hippo.‘Awe,’ Beakedbard moaned. ‘Well then, I should at least get the coolest team membersthen.’ ‘That would be us,’ Roxy said, coming over to stand by him with McKellion in tow.‘HI!’ McKellion grinned enthusiastically at Beakedbard.‘Crap,’ Beakedbard said, slumping against a wall.‘I’ll come too,’ Skelifish said, putting aside the stone he had been using to sharpen hisscythe. ‘Otherwise I’d be afraid that this team wouldn’t be coming back at all.’ ‘Erm, excuse me,’ Roxy scowled. ‘ 
I’m 
probably the most capable member here.’ ‘Keep telling yourself that,’ Skelifish said with a smirk.‘You guys FAIL!’ Jazz shouted sardonically. ‘You expect Jazz to follow you all over theinternet? Why not just change the fucking access codes? You losers. Jazz would make abetter Moderator than Red. You all must see it. Jazz is the way. Change the codes for Jazz.’ ‘We’ve
told 
you why we can’t just change the codes!!’ Jason huffed. ‘Moderators canaccess all areas automatically. Plus, who knows what horrible things Buster is doing toRed right now!’ Yanwaell held up a picture of a large-eyed fish with the words “O NOEZ!” writtenon it.‘I agree,’ Danny said angrily, punching his palm. ‘We’ve got to save Red pronto!’ ‘Does Jazz really care?’ Jazz mulled to himself. ‘This does not concern Jazz Jazzconcludes this is not important.’ ‘I’ve tried doing a locating spell on Red already,’ Will-ko grumbled from where he hadperched on a crate of supplies. ‘But I still don’t have any real magical control out here onthe open Internet. Get me in the World of Warcraft and I’ll own everyone … but otherthan that … I’m stumped.’ 
1
Well, they will obviously
use 
the word. They are not deficient in their vocabulary skills
 
‘I am travelling to the World of Warcraft,’ Totoro said, sheathing his large sword. ‘I havenot been to my homeland in some time. I will not be welcomed by my people, but I stillhave many contacts throughout the realms.’ ‘No thanks,’ Will-ko said. ‘I’m going with Jeebus. He’s already told me where he’s going tolook first.’ ‘Where?’ Jazz asked quietly. Will-ko whispered the answer in Jazz’s ear.‘Jazz will also be going with Jeebus!’ Jazz said excitedly.‘Just so you know,’ Jeebus said, loading his giant gun and yanking on Waldo’s lead. ‘I’mnot slowing down for you guys … and if we see pigeons at all … you do as I say … I don’tlike entering into combat situations with civilians, so if I tell you to take cover, you takecover, right?’ ‘Of course,Will-ko nodded, rolling his eyes. ‘Wouldn’t want to be pecked to death now would I?’  Jeebus glared at the young magician. ‘ 
Peck 
?’ He grunted. ‘If they get their handson you magic boy … pretty soon … you’ll be begging for them to peck you to death … I’veseen things … so many things … … …’ ‘Perhaps Jazz should go with a team that is not full of insane people,Jazz said,drumming his chin.‘I think that Carmen is my favourite Opera!’ An unfamiliar shirtless teenager with longhair said in a loud voice as he wandered into the room. ‘It’s so moving, subtle yetelegant.’ ‘Lovely,’ Elion nodded. ‘Now go away Musica, this is a private room.’ ‘There’s no need to be rude,’ Musica pouted and slumped off out into the Off-TopicSection’s Courtyard.‘Wonderful idea, Video Lord,’ Elion huffed.‘It was the best I could do at short notice,’ Freaka-chu retorted. ‘I had to disguise thisroom somehow, couldn’t stick up a room called “Help us to Save Red from Buster’s evilclutches before he destroys The Mercury Rooms” now could I? I mean, yes we’d get a lotof volunteers; more than we’d need of course but, like Fink said, the fewer people thatknow Buster can walk in here any time he feels like and make merry with theapocalypse, the better.’ ‘And, naturally, making a room about people’s favourite Operas was the most logicalchoice as a disguise,’ Manhunter said testily.‘We could have done this in the Will-ko room,’ Will-ko grumbled.‘Well, we’re here now,’ said Jason, folding his arms over his bio-hazard T-shirt. ‘So who’scoming? And who’s going with who? We have to split up if we have any chance of findingRed.’ Yanwaell produced another picture of a grinning man sat a computer which read“WOW! OLD NEWS IS SO EXCITING”‘Yeah, I know we keep saying it,’ Danny huffed. ‘But we don’t
really 
have a choice in thematter. We’ll get more of the internet searched if we split up.’ ‘We’ll go,’ Arina said, raising her arm and Angelus’ at the same time.‘Will we?’ Angelus asked, bemused.‘Fine, you two can come with me to Dailymotion,’ Vash nodded.‘You fancy coming with me, Chris?’ Freaka-chu asked the Manhunter.‘Why not?’ Manhunter replied. ‘I haven’t diced with death in hours.’ ‘Ace,’ Freaka-chu nodded. ‘I’ll go get the RETARDIS warmed up.’ ‘The RETARDIS?’ Manhunter frowned. ‘I think I will take a rain check.’ ‘What? Oh, come off it!’ Freaka-chu waved his hand dismissively. ‘Crikey, onemisadventure in ancient Rome-’ ‘I nearly lost an arm!’ Manhunter interrupted.‘ 
Nearly 
,’ Freaka-chu said pointedly. ‘ 
Nearly 
lost an arm. You’ve still got them bothhaven’t you?’ ‘That’s not the point,’ Manhunter said, narrowing his eyes.‘No, the point is that we’re wasting valuable time!’ Freaka-chu said, zipping up the smallblack and red rucksack he had brought along. ‘So, c’mon Chris, adventure awaits us!’ 
 
‘Fine,’ Manhunter said dryly, grabbing Asawin and CooCooKaJoo tightly. ‘But I’m notgetting stuck in prehistoric France
alone 
this time.’ ‘ 
I SHALL ALSO REQUIRE A TEAM 
,’ Mooney shouted over he room. ‘ 
I AM MOONEY  AFTERALL … MOST PEOPLE SHOULD WANT TO BE ON THE COOL TEAM’ 
‘I’ll go with you Mooney,’ Duffy said enthusiastically.‘ 
REALLY? 
’ Mooney said in alarm. ‘ 
NOBODY ELSE? 
’ ‘I am also liking to go,’ Lazy said, pocketing his Dutch-to-English Phrase book. ‘Though Iam not of the being sure, where the things go on … no.’ ‘ 
OH MY GOD 
,’ Mooney whined, his wings sagging.‘Yeah, I’m up for a ride with the Moonster!’ Richy smiled.‘ 
OH, THANK GOODNESS 
!’ Mooney said with a sigh of relief.‘Okay then … Goddamit,’ Elion huffed. ‘The rest of you get into teams and get out there,’ he nodded, heading towards the door with Ron and PunBB in tow. ‘QUICKLY!’ He addedas he exited the room out into the Off-Topic Section courtyard, at the far end of whichthe exit to the Index Section lay. The dazzling Internet sky loomed above them as they exited the Off-Topic domeand crossed over to the exit portal. Elion could see the massive spire of the building thathoused the Black Hole operating System. The gaping void into which all the links (andone time, himself) were cast.‘So where are we starting?’ PunBB asked excitedly. ‘I know this great rape forum wecould try, McKellion told me about it.’ ‘Maybe not,’ Elion sighed. ‘I think we should start somewhere a little more productive.’ ‘Google?’ Ron offered.‘ 
Google 
?!’ Elion spat. ‘For anything else maybe. But how many results do you think we’dget if we asked them to locate “Red” for us, or “Buster”? Use your goddam head, Ron.You’d have to be a complete retarded moron to even think about using Google at a timelike this!’ ‘So … are we gonna ask Jeeves instead?’ Ron queried.‘Jeeves couldn’t find chicken at a goddam KFC,’ Elion replied as they exited the MercuryRooms via the Exit Portal. ‘We’re going to Wikipedia. That Buster’s such an egomaniac; Ibet he’s submitted an entire section about himself.’ ‘Oooh, Good thinking,’ PunBB grinned as they disappeared into the ether that was theinternet. The portal disappeared with a flash behind them.‘Keep up!’ Freaka-chu called over his shoulder as he walked briskly past the space wherethe portal had just been. ‘We’ve wasted enough time already.’ He fumbled in his manypockets and finally produced a key with which he opened the door on the front of the RedPillar Box he had arrived in that, somehow, he had since managed to park outside besidethe portal with pinpoint accuracy. He claimed it was a great success, attributed to hiskeen Video Lord skills of navigation. He didn’t mention that he had been aiming for theother end of The Mercury Rooms entirely.‘And I wonder how much more time we’ll waste while we’re lost in the Antarctic,’ Manhunter commented quietly.‘Is that a possibility?’ Asawin asked nervously.‘Not really a
 possibility 
,’ Freaka-chu said as he ushered the trio inside the RETARDIS.‘More of a probability … but that’s not the point, we’ve got a mission on our hands. Weneed to pick a starting point first,’ he said as he closed the door behind them. ‘I thinkGoogle will be a good place to begin.’ *‘ 
Welcome to Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopaedia 
,’ a giant, floating, symbol-covered spherethat looked to be made out of jigsaw pieces declared to Elion, Ron and Pun as theyentered a brilliantly white plane. ‘ 
Today’s featured topic is …
Gilberto Silva 
,’ The Spherecontinued. ‘ 
Gilberto Silva 
is Brazilian Football  player. He has played most of his club  football for the English club,Arsenal , as a defensive midfielder ,
’ ‘Off!’ Elion shouted at the sphere, which fell silent.

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