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TheSplendorFallsRosemaryClement-MooreToMom.Forathousandandonereasons.Geniusisanotherwordformagic,andthewholepointofmagicisthatitisinexplicable--damemargotfonteyn,primaballerina prologueFormonths,Irelivedthepasdedeuxinmydreams,inthatmultisensoryTechnicolorofamemoryI'dmuchratherforget.Nothingeverchanged:thebackstageperfumeofsweatandhair spray.Theheatandglareofthelights.ThedeliciouscoilandspringofmymusclesasImovedthroughthechoreographyasifitwereaspontaneousoutburstofthejoyIfeltwhenIdanced.TheglorioustriumphovergravityasPashaliftedmeoverhishead,andIwasuntethered,notjustfromthestage,butfromtheearth.2IfIcouldhaveforcedmyselftowakeupthen,itwouldhavebeenbetter.Likedyinghappy.Butthedanceplayedoutinmeasuredbeats,asunchangingasareeloffilm.Pashasetmedown,softasmoonlight;theorchestracoveredthehollowtapofmypointeshoeonthestage.Ibalancedononeleg,theotherstretchedupbehindme,prolongingtheillusionof flight.Icouldneversaywhatwentwronginthenexteightbars.Thestagewasclean,mypointewassolid.Itwasn'tevenaparticularlydifficultcombination.Comedowntofourthposition,portdebrasandchangementtosecondpositionandaquickseriesofchaînéturns.Rightfoot,leftfoot,right...thenastrangecrunchingsoundthatseemedtocomefrominsidemyhead.WithoutknowinghowIgotthere,Iwasfacedownonthestage,andthemurmursoftheaudiencewereescalatingwithworry.Inmydream--mymemory--Itriedtogetup,butPashaheldmedown,lapsingintopanickedRussian.Ididn'thavetounderstandthelanguagetoknowthatsomethinghadgoneverywrong.It'sfunnyhowsomuchcanhingeononemissedstep. Notfunnyha-ha.Funnythatthemomentthatshouldhavebeenthepinnacleofmyseventeenyearsonthisplanetendsupmakingmefamousfortheentirelywrongreason.SoIreallydon'tmeanfunnysomuchas“tragicallyironic.”Dancersgetinjureddoingtheflashythings,jetésandéchappés.Imean,whothehellbreakstheirlegonaturntheyteachinthetiny-totsclass?3Me,Iguess.Themonthbefore,I'dgottenafull-pagewrite-upinBalletMagazine.Themonthafter,Iwasatragiciteminasidebartoanarticleoninsuringyourlegs,BettyGrablestyle,againstcareer-endinginjuries.SylvieDavis,theyoungest-everprincipaldancerforAmericanBallet,sufferedacompoundtibiaandfibulafractureinfrontofhundredsofhorrifiedaudiencemembersduringherstunningdebutatLincolnCenter.AtleastIknewhowtomakeanexit.45
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Chapter1
IwantedtohateAlabama,andnothingaboutmyarrivaldisappointedme.Tobefair,therearen'tmanyplacesthatareeasytofallinlovewithinninety-degreeheatandeighty-fivepercenthumidity.ThebumpyflightfrommyconnectioninAtlanta,onaminusculeplanewithdoll-sizedseats,hadn'thelped.Andthatwasbeforesomesnafuatthegateforcedustodeplaneonthetarmacandrideabustotheterminal.I'dbeenoutofmywalkingcastfortwoweeks.Myleg6throbbedlikeasadisticmetronomeasIlimpeddowntheconcourse,andthetoesofmyrightfootwereswollenlikefatpinkcocktailweenies.Gigi'scarrierbaghungfrommyshoulder,myfingerswhite-knuckledonthestrap.It'sbadenoughtodreadsomething;it'sevenworsewhenthe painofmovingforwardismorethanmetaphorical.Icouldrestaminute,sitdownbetweenthebarbecuerestaurantandthesouvenirshopwiththeConfederateflagcoffeemugs.Forthatmatter,Iwasinsidethesecuritycheckpoint.Noonecouldcomeinandgetmewithoutbuyingaplaneticket.Icouldjustlivehereuntilmymotherandhernewhusbandgotbackfromtheirhoneymoonandreportedmemissing.Granted,thatwouldn'treallyhelpconvincethemInolongerneededtoseeapsychiatrist.Settlingforabriefratherthanindefinitedelay,Iduckedintothebathroom.Itwasempty,soI putGigi'sbagonthecounterwhileIsplashedwateronmyfaceandreappliedsomelipgloss.Makeuphasneverbeenaprioritywithme--atleastnotoffstage,whichmeansallthetimenow.Butwhenevermymotherwaslosingafight,shealwaystookamomenttofreshenherlipstick.EventuallyIfiguredoutthiswashowsheboughttimetothinkupanirrefutableargument.Iwasmerelystallingtherestofmylife.Gigigaveasoftyipofdiscontent.Iunzippedthetopofhercarriersothatshecouldstickher headout,thenfilledhertravelbowlfromthehalf-emptyEvianbottleinmypurse.Thedogtookafewindifferentlaps,thenblinkedatme.Hersubtextseemedprettyclear:Whatthehellisyour  problem?7WasitwrongtohaveaproblemwithbeingshippedofflikeanunwantedparceltostaywitharelativeI'dmetonlyonce?IvaguelyrememberedCousinPaulafromDad'sfuneral,pressingmymother'shandingentlesympathy,eventhoughMotherandDadhadbeendivorcedforthreeyears.Butasshe'dsaidonthephone,inherScarlettO'Haraaccent,“Kiniskin,”andshewashappytohavemevisit.MaybeIshouldn'tbedreadingthis.Theseweremyfather'sfamily.Thiswasmychancetolearnwherehecamefrom,becauseDadhadneverspokenmuchabouthisbackground.WhichraisedthepossibilitythathemighthaveleftAlabamatogetawayfromthesepeople.Athinblondewheeledhercarry-onintotherest-room.Gigiprickedherearsforwardadorably, butthewomanjustshotthedogcarrieradirtylookbeforedisappearingwithasniffintothehandicappedstall.Itwasasthoughthinkingaboutmymotherhadinvokedherevilertwin.Ishouldcorrectthat.Mymotherisnotevil.She'smerelyself-absorbed.Icanbe,too.Forsixteenyears,ourself-interestscoincidedmoreoftenthannot.Ilivedtodance,andshelovedhavingaballetprodigyforadaughter.Soherlackofmaternalinstinctdidn'treallyaffectmeuntilTheAccident(itwashardnottothinkofitincapitalletters)endedmyskyrocketingcareer rightasitlefttheatmosphere.TheAccidenthadalsoturnedmeintoachildagain.I'dbeenaprofessionaldancer.I'dtraveledtoEuropeandAsiawiththecompany.Ninemonthsofsurgery,castsandtitaniumrodslater,Iwasaseventeen-year-old
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