Professional Documents
Culture Documents
GOOGLE WHACKED
‘Honey, I’m home!’ The Manager swooned as he strode up into the central throne room of
the giant fortified tower of evil.
‘Where have you been?!’ Buster commanded from a large golden throne. ‘I ordered you
not to pursue the Video Lord!’
‘And I don’t recall ever agreeing to take orders from you! Your insufferable obsession with
destroying the Mercury Rooms is beginning to grate on my nerves. Remember that I’m
helping you because our causes coincide and our goals attainable by an alliance between
us … but do not ever try to give me orders again!’
‘How dare you!’ Buster started, throwing aside a goblet he had been drinking from and
rising to his feet.
‘Quite easily!’ The Manager growled with a smirk, squaring up to Buster. ‘You’ve become
blinded. All of that human emotion inside you is making you weak. You fused together
with Fred Kelly and now he is marring your judgement. Look at yourself! Where is the
great and mighty Buster-Bot? Where? You used to be cunning; you used to be cold and
calculating. Now you are trying to drive a wedge between us. Now you sit on your golden
throne like a crowned prince before the battle has even begun!
‘Now is not the time for self-serving actions! I can see what is happening here! You
are degrading further and further into humanity! It is the weakest form of life, and it is
the negative aspects that are pulling your will apart! Stop listening to those little voices
in your mind! Stop thinking with your flesh and blood! They can only deliver useless
emotions! It is the machine we need! All that matters is the goal. If you had any
conception of my power you would not even think to defy my word-’
‘MY LORD!’ Adamus interrupted, practically sprinting into the chamber and throwing
himself down at Buster’s feet. ‘My Lord and Master! I bring for you, gifts!’
‘Oh, for pity sake,’ The Manager groaned, massaging his temple.
‘Good work Adamus,’ Buster smiled as two Darlin’s escorted the Allucian members from
Youtube into the chamber on a chain gang. ‘Excellent work, you shall be greatly
rewarded for your service to me.’
‘That just sounds wrong,’ L96A1 grimaced.
‘SILENCE SCUM!’ Buster roared, striding over to the captives. ‘You will hold your
tongues in my glorious presence.’
Yanwaell struggled against his shackles and held up a picture. “STFU”.
The Manager gave a slight titter of amusement. ‘I always did like you Yanwaell,’ he
smiled. ‘Parading around as Lotvilo, there was so little amusement in my life. You found
a way to make every statement you made a mockery of life itself. I will miss that spirit.’
‘Yes,’ Buster agreed. ‘Your spirit that I will take great pleasure in crushing, twisting,
breaking and generally being nasty to. GUARDS! Take them to the torture chamber!’
‘Oh, shite,’ Steffman gulped. ‘We are going to get raped.’
‘By the time I’m finished with you,’ Buster said, allowing a small crackle of blue energy to
fizzle through his eyes. ‘You’ll be begging to be raped. Rape will seem like a holiday
compared to what I’ve got in mind for you! I’m going to take my time with all of you. Pick
you apart piece by piece until there’s nothing left inside there,’ he said, tapping
Steffman’s head. ‘Nothing left until I decide the time is right for you to become part of the
family.’
‘I’d really rather you’d just kill me,’ L96A1 shrugged. ‘If it’s all the same to ye.’
‘Oh,’ but it’s not all the same,’ Buster said coldly. ‘Not in the slightest. When the final
attack comes. I want the Allucian All-stars there on the front lines of my own army. I
want the best and brightest of The Mercury Rooms chanting my name as they tear down
the walls of ALLUC.’
‘What the fuck happened to ye, Fred?’ L96A1 asked pityingly. ‘We both came from that
lab … why cannae ye remember that we’re friends?’
‘Because we’re not friends,’ Buster said slyly. ‘We never were. You were the golden boy. I
was simply a pawn … a toy they got tired of when they broke me and didn’t have the
means to fix their mistake. I was useless until the Buster Bot found me … now I’ve got
the only friend I’ll ever need.’
‘Business partner,’ The Manager corrected. ‘Let us not draw trivialities into this.’
‘I was talking about The Buster-Bot,’ Fred said without looking over his shoulder. ‘I know
the limits of our relationship.’
‘Glad to know it,’ The Manager said, a glimmer of malice in his eyes.
‘Master,’ Adamus said, approaching Steffman. ‘The residual memories I have from my
host lead me to think that I would take great pleasure in torturing this one myself.’
‘You get the fuck away from me!’ Steffman shouted, trying to ignite his hands without
success.
The Manager wagged his finger. ‘Ah-ah-ah, none of that now. Those shackles are
fitted with energy conversion binders. You’re only fuelling the bonds that hold you … So,
you and the Vampire have old business together? That could make things interesting.’
‘It really could,’ Buster admitted. ‘I think letting Adamus have his wicked way with the
Welsh boy could prove highly entertaining.’
‘You take one step near me and I’ll rip your nipples off!’ Steffman seethed at Adamus.
‘A good tip,’ Adamus grinned. ‘I think it’s a good place to begin myself.’
‘You won’t get away with this!’ Pater Aurelius cried. ‘The lord sees all, he shall smite you!’
‘If there was a god,’ The Manager scoffed. ‘Then people like me would not exist … besides
... when it comes to me, you’re better off praying to the devil … he’s the next stage up.’
‘Your satanic threats do not scare me,’ Aurelius quivered.
‘Really?’ Buster raised an eyebrow. ‘Then why are you sweating?’
‘Well …’ Aurelius shrugged. ‘It’s hot in here.’
‘No it isn’t,’ Buster retorted. ‘It’s practically frigid.’
‘Wait until you see the dungeons,’ The Manager cooed. ‘Terrible drafts down there.’
‘TAKE THEM AWAY!’ Buster commanded The Darlin’ captors. They did nothing.
‘I SAID TAKE THEM AWAY!’ Buster shouted louder. Again, nothing.
‘Do as he says,’ The Manager said from where he had taken a seat on the arm rest of the
throne.
‘I OBEY!’ The Darlin’s chanted in unison and went about their task.
‘I thought I told you to make them obey me!’ Buster snapped.
‘I did,’ The Manager shrugged. ‘They just don’t like you … not may people do.’
‘With good reason it would seem,’ Buster smiled to himself. ‘But now that things are fully
in motion, I would suggest that it is time to put phase two of my plan into operation.’
‘Your plan?’ The Manager questioned, raising an eyebrow.
‘That’s correct,’ Buster scowled. ‘It was my plan to invade and conquer The Mercury
rooms.’
‘Which is where your feeble-minded schemes begin and end,’ The Manager said plainly,
turning his Fusion Screwdriver over in his hands. ‘The intricate plot to divide and
conquer them! The subtleties in weaving deception through their ranks … there would
have been nothing but brute force if you were left to your own devices my misguided little
disciple. You need to start overcoming your own ego. It is getting in the way of our
partnership.’
‘What of your ego?’ Buster retorted.
‘Oh,’ The Manager tittered. ‘My ego is already too large to be contested by any other …
which is why the lesser of two evils needs to learn its place lickety-split. Otherwise …
OUR PARTNERSHIP MAY COME TO A SUDDEN, UNEXPECTED CONCLUSION BEFORE
ITS TIME … Do I make myself clear?’
‘You do indeed,’ Buster sneered, seating himself back on the golden throne.
‘Goody-gum-drops.’ The Manager said swept out of the chamber. ‘Now, I’ve got business
to take care of in my RETARDIS … Don’t wait up,’ he called back as he exited the throne
room and slammed the great oak doors behind him.