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There’s something fundamentallyand psychologically true about theold adage that “opposites attract.”In fact, the most common negativepattern that couples get stuck in is when one partner plays the role of a pursuer, seeking emotional inti-macy. The other plays the role of a distancer, seeking autonomy andspace. When relationships are attheir best, either partner can playeither role on any given day. So when partners become entrappedand consistently have to play thesame roles, it’s often a sign of trou-ble in the relationship.Round and round the cou-ple goes, each partner becomingincreasingly frustrated that theirneeds aren’t being understood orrespected by the other (who hap-pens to need something completelydifferent). This negative cycle tendsto play out repeatedly. It’s presentin arguments about who will cookdinner, in discussions of how thecouple will spend their weekend,and in the struggle for both part-ners to be interested and willing inhaving sex. Different topics, differ-ent days, same negative cycle. The Pursuer-Distancer patternarises for very valid reasons andoften comes to the surface whenthere’s been a major change inthe couple’s life, such as the birthof the first child or a significantfinancial setback. It’s during thesetimes of increased stress that eachpartner is trying to get their indi-vidual needs met under difficultcircumstances. The Pursuer has anundeniable and valid need to feeltheir partner is “letting them in.” The Distancer has an undeniableand valid need to feel their partnerapproves of them and isn’t trying tocontrol or smother them.If this description fits your rela-tionship, you may breathe a sigh of relief that your situation is proba-bly more normal and more commonthan you have ever realized. Thereare highly effective and proven waysin which couples break free of theirPursuer Distancer cycles for good when both partners are willing toget to know one another on a deep-er level through couples therapy.(And yes, couples therapy does costmoney. But the expense is minimal when you compare it to the emo-tional and financial expenses of separation and divorce.)Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy goes to the heart of theseindividual attachment needs andaddresses them more successfullythan any other form of couplestherapy. In fact, research studieshave found that 70-75% of the cou-ples who utilize this type of therapynot only survived their relation-ship crisis but stayed together andreported being happy in the rela-tionship years later. Thirty-percentof Flourish Counseling’s clients arecouples who are working to createmore stable and satisfying rela-tionships. The way in which theirrelationships transform over thecourse of therapy is awesome andheartwarming to witness!
Contact the relationship experts at Flourish Counseling for more information on Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy by visiting www.FlourishCounseling.com or by call- ing 303-455-3767.***
One partner seeks closeness,the other needs space
By Angela Sasseville, MA, LPC, NCC
If you live in the Berkeley neigh-borhood you might get a knock on your door this week by AmeriCorpsmembers or other volunteers work-ing to “green” the neighborhood. They will offer to swap your porch lightbulb to a compact fluorescent bulb,help you cancel unwanted junk mail,and provide applications for $25street trees, which typically retail for$100 or more. The volunteers will also be ask-ing Berkeley residents to answersix quick questions about how theycurrently get around (e.g. car, bus,bike, walk). This information willbe used by Groundwork Denver tolaunch a new transportation programthis spring that will help northwestDenver residents try out alternativemodes of transportation.If you live in Berkeley and are willingto take the mini Travel Survey, pleasego to www.NWDenverTravelSurvey.org. After you take the survey you will be entered into a drawing to winone of three $50 gift certificates to amerchant of your choice in the 44thand Tennyson area.Please call Groundwork Denver at303-455-5600 if you have any ques-tions about the project, if you wouldlike to take the survey by phone, or if you would like a tree application.
Groundwork Denver is a local non- profit that engages communities to improve the physical environment.www.GroundworkDenver.org.***
AmeriCorps members"greening" Berkeley
Have You Seen Me?
The decorative brickwork, wrap-around porch and other fanciful details are prominent featuresthat make this 1892 beauty a gemstone in the neighborhood. If you can identify where thishome is located and its architectural style, your name will be entered into a drawing for afree dinner at North Denver's new favorite restaurant, Tocabe. Send your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org. Answer and winner will be posted in the March issue of the NorthDenver News.
Thanks to everyone who correctly identifed the Stick-style home - a style closely related to
the Queen Anne, but rarely found in Denver - at 2825 W 37th Ave from the January issue. Ty