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For the Advancement of the Entertainment Values of Major League Baseball in the Post Steroid Era

For the Advancement of the Entertainment Values of Major League Baseball in the Post Steroid Era

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Published by T_G_O_H
English assignment to mimic Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal"

http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html If you're unfamiliar. Thought it turned out well.
English assignment to mimic Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal"

http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html If you're unfamiliar. Thought it turned out well.

More info:

Published by: T_G_O_H on Jun 23, 2010
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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02/02/2012

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FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF THE ENTERTAINMENT VALUESOF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL IN THE POST STEROID ERA
Over the last score, America’s past time has been marred by allegations of foul play, cheating, and an uneven playing field among players within Major League Baseball.Use of Human Growth Hormone (HGH), anabolic steroids, and other performanceenhancing drugs (PEDs) has called the integrity of the game of baseball in to question,and blemished the league’s infallible record. It is truly a sad happening to those whotravel to witness baseball games in person, or view them on the television, only to feelconflicting emotions in regard to the state of the game, creating a deep sadness in the soulof all baseball fans, questioning their true love of the game.However, the principle mission of Major League Baseball has always been, andalways will be, to entertain the public. On average, 31,500 fans attend every major league baseball game, and 77,000 households view each game on television. Undeniably, themost exciting parts of a baseball game have, and always will be, the home run or the perfect game. The 450 foot home run and 105 MPH fastball excite crowds and drawmedia attention.The use of performance enhancing drugs by major league baseball players hasmade every major league baseball game a very conducive environment for both of theaforementioned spectacles. Pitchers, while under the influence of PEDs, throwindubitably harder, and opposing batsmen can hit the ball incontestably harder. Thesefacts draw ratings and attract crowds, eager to witness the phenomena stated above.
 
As these facts have been accepted, and verified by many sources much moreknowledgeable than myself, one can easily determine the simple solution to the previously stated problem. We shall now humbly articulate our own thoughts upon theissue, which we pray will not offend nor antagonize any. Steroids shall hereby becomemandatory, effective immediately, for all major and minor league baseball players, in aneffort to improve the entertainment value of Major League Baseball’s productexponentially.76 million fans, in total, attended games in 2006. It can be extrapolated that, withone hundred percent of major league players using PEDs, this number would be doubled,or perhaps tripled. This sharp spike in attendance would increase revenue for teams, players, and owners, as well as the league as a whole. This revenue increase would havemultiple quantifiable effects on the league as a whole. Due to increased attendance,tickets prices would fall drastically in price, allowing the lower class to attend baseballgames, enlightening their lives, and increasing MLB’s fan base tenfold. This increase inconsumers would, in turn, provide a larger increase in revenue, in addition to theaforementioned related to steroid use. The true gentlemen who view major league baseball have no concern as to the usage of steroids, they simply desire to see the best possible product, and will provide more capital in order to see it. These capital gains canonly improve the product provided by major league baseball as a whole.In 2007, Mike Cameron, one of the best and most consistent center fielders in baseball, was suspended for testing positive for PEDs. During the subsequent twenty five
 
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games, attendance for his team, the San Diego Padres, dropped by thirty four percent, dueto the perennial all star and marquee player sitting in the dugout, rather than patrollingcenter field, where the fans wanted to see him. A special study was also conducted, whichconcluded that the amount of domestic violence among Padre Fans’ households doubledwhile Mike Cameron was suspended. Hospital visits due to domestic violence rose thirtytwo percent, while the amount of divorce filings increased tenfold. Such frivoloussuspensions could be easily avoided, if major league baseball would cease theshenanigans and make steroids mandatory.Some astute individuals may, however, suggest a counter proposal, calling for MLB to legalize PEDs, rather than force them upon players. This would solve the problem of revenue loss due to player suspensions, but does not address any sort of truerevenue boost to the league as a whole. The previous example provides support for theseindividual's arguments, but does not solve the larger revenue problem within the sport.Many other critics of baseball as a whole complain of an imbalance between the National and American Leagues, as well as a decline in the overall talent level of theentire sport. However, in a short time, an upturn in the production of all players will weedout those who remain unproductive, leaving only those who are fit to play baseball on thehighest level doing so. This problem will solve itself soon after solutions to larger  problems are implemented. The owners and fans are themselves delivered from the booted ground balls, dropped pop flies, and strikeouts that would soon infest the leaguewere these players allowed to remain playing a sport which they are obviously not well

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