Lenny the Lunkhead (nobody knew his last name and nobody cared), spent his wretched life ina series of one insignificant job after another. The Lunkhead made the bulk of his yearly cash in thetwo month period before the 4

of July, when the streets of the 6

ward, all the way to the HollandTunnel on west Canal Street, were one gigantic firework sale.People from all over the tristate area rushed into the 6

Ward to buy fireworks for their 4

of July celebrations. Every block in the 6

Ward was manned by at least one runner, ages 10 up to socialsecurity age and older. Their job was to holler loud at every passing car, “Fireworks! Fireworks! Getyour fireworks here!”When the runner found a willing customer, he told them to pull over and park by the nearesthydrant. He took their order and also took their money in advance, to make sure they stuck around.Then the runner would dash to the nearest drop area, usually a cellar, or a first floor apartment, or maybe even the trunk of a parked car, and give the order to the block boss, the man actuallyresponsible for divvying out the fireworks. The block boss would fill the order, by placing thefireworks in a large paper shopping bag, which he handed to the runner.The runner would dash back to the customer's parked car and hand them the bag with thefireworks, saying, “Quick get out of here fast. There's cops all over the place.” Which indeed theywere.The truth about the cops was that they could care less about who was selling what, as long asthey got their weekly cut, which they always did.Every once in a blue moon, the police brass from uptown would order a firework crackdown inthe 6

Ward. When this happened, the local 5

Precinct cops would round up the designated pincheesand load them into a Paddy Wagon. Every year, the people who took the pinch, were well taken care of by their associates, so it some ways it was a good thing for them. They got to stay off the streets andout the scorching heat for a few days, get three squares a day on the arm and still get paid as if theywere in the street running the works.Some runners were even selected by the mob and the cops in advance to take the punch.It usually went down like this. The cops would send word to the mob, “Tomorrow one pm,have the guys you want pinched standing in front of 96 Mulberry.” And like clockwork, the next day atone pm, half a dozen cops, in riot gear, would descend on the building with drawn handguns, like theywere going after Public Enemy Number 1. They were followed by an empty Paddy Wagon, whichwould not be empty for long.Longtime hoods with long criminal records, like Charlie Chickens, Waldo the Walrus andPigeonhead, would be at the appointed area, all spruced up and ready to go. They were like kids goingon a vacation with the Fresh Air Fund.The cops would go through the public act of cuffing them. But as soon as they were in thePaddy Wagon, the cops would take off the cuffs and give them ham and cheese sandwiches to eat later,while they were being processed at the city prison called the Tombs, which was conveniently locatedaround the corner on Baxter Street, smack in the middle of the 6

Ward firework sales extravaganza.

The trust between the fireworks runner and the customers who paid for their stash in advance,was indeed a sacred thing. The block boss made sure all his runners understood that shorting acustomer was not a great idea, because it could be very bad for business. If the word got aroundcustomers were getting screwed, the firework businesses, and it was a very profitable business for themob indeed, would be in danger of extinction. And if a runner was caught shorting his customer, therunner would be in danger of extinction himself. None of this made any impression on Lenny the Lunkhead. Whenever he felt the urge, whichusually meant after he had a bad night at Yonkers Raceway, and after receiving the fireworks from hisstreet boss, the Lunkhead would go to his own hidden drop area, usually the first floor apartment heshared with his grandmother on Hester St. There the Lunkhead would remove half the fireworks, fillthe bottom of the bag with crumpled newspaper, then throw the other half of the fireworks on top of the newspaper .The Lunkhead would then run to the customer's car, hand them the shopping bag and tell them,“Put this on the floor in the back seat, then scram. Don't stop until you get to where you're going. Thestreets are flooded with cops.”After he had accumulated enough stash to carry in two huge shopping bags, The Lunkheadwould take the subway to South Brooklyn and drop the works off with a cousin, who would would sellthem on the street, splitting the profits with Lenny the Lunkhead.This went on for a few fireworks seasons, until The Lunkhead's scheme just went blotto. One of the customers who he shorted, just happened to be the cousin of one of the 5

Precinct cops on thetake. The customer reported the shortage to his cop cousin and soon the Lunkhead was out of a job andminus a few front teeth to boot.With The Lunkhead's academic limitations, and the fact he was banned from doing anythingeven remotely connected to the mob, the Lunkhead got a job at Tony's Drugstore at the corner of Mulberry and Canal. It was a combination luncheonette, soda fountain, with a full drug store in the back of the store.Lunkhead's job at Tony's was refilling the shelves with whatever and making a few chocolate,or vanilla eggs creams at the soda fountain up front. But the Lunkhead was soon relieved of hisfountain duties. And with good reason.One day, mob captain Boots Latoure sauntered into Tony's Drug Store. His gumada, a bleach blond named Cuddles, sat in his Caddy Convertible double-parked outside, with the top down. Thething was, Boots didn't like to use rubbers when he performed the horizontal mambo, so Cuddles toldhim there was a foam spermicide contraceptive called Emco, that would kill the little buggers beforethey could do any damage.Boots never heard of Emco. And Cuddles was too embarrassed to go inside Tony's Drug storeto ask for anything that would indicate she was engaging in sexual relations with half theneighborhood, which she certainly was.So Boots moseyed up to the soda fountain where Lenny the Lunkhead was ostensibly readingSports Illustrated, except Playboy Magazine, stuffed in side the sports magazine, was really the objectof his attention.

Boots didn't want anyone to know why he was there and wasn't sure the drugstore sold Emcoanyway, so he motioned for the Lenny the Lunkhead to come over.He whispered into the Lunkhead's ear, “You got any Emco in the back?” Now what Boots and any normal human being would expect, was for the Lunkhead to goquietly into the back drug store section and ask his boss about the Emco.Instead, the Lunkhead cupped both hands to his mouth and yelled towards the back of the store,“HEY TONY, YOU GOT ANY EMCO?”With the Lunkhead yelling so loud, Boots ears felt like they were bleeding, and the entireneighborhood, including Cuddles sitting in the Caddy outside, knew Boots and Cuddles were planningto do some sexual experimentation in the near, or even immediate future.As Boots was strangling Lenny the Lunkhead, so bad the Lunkhead's eyes were hyper-extending from his skull, Tony the Druggist ran from the back of the store and used every ounce of hisstrength to extricate the Lunkhead's throat from Boots' death grip.From that day on, the Lunkhead was banned to the back of the store, to refill the shelves, wash,the floors, dust the cabinets and do anything that didn't include him being anywhere near the sodafountain up front.This Lunkhead did not like this too much and he was hell bent on revenge. Only at first he didnot know exactly how to extract that revenge.Tony's Drugstore also did a brisk neighborhood business in condoms, which were not on theshelves, but in the back, behind the drug counter, by the cash register.If someone wanted a pack of condoms, they had to pass the soda fountain, go the the back of the store and ask Tony the Druggist, in a nice soft voice, to give them a pack of Trojans, ribbed,lubricated, or just plain. Tony the Druggist was the model of discretion and no one, but the customer and Tony the Druggist ever knew about the transaction.After a few weeks of being banished to the back of Tony's Drug Store, the Lunkhead, nowangry at the entire world, but especially the people of the 6

ward, decided to get even in his own evilway. The condoms not behind the drug counter were kept in the secluded stock room in the back of thestore. During breaks Larry would got back there, usually with a screw book of some kind, and playchoke the chicken, with a lubricated rubber on his taut member, which made the task all the more pleasurable.One day, the Lunkhead thought it would be a great idea, to remove the condoms from the boxes and put pin holes in them, with a safely pin he had secreted in his pocket. He did not stab everycondom, but maybe one of every three boxes stacked on the shelf. Lunkhead was a gambler at heartand he wanted to give everyone at least a sporting chance.The Lunkhead pin-holed the condoms for a few months, waiting patiently to hear the newsabout any surprise pregnancies in the neighborhood. Sure enough, the word began circulating that afew girls did get pregnant. Some were married. Some were not. But one thing for sure, in Little Italyno unmarried girl could ever be seen walking the streets with a belly as big as a balloon. Marriages