Bloody Inductions

by

Case Blackwell

e-mail:
woodsinthebear@gmail.com

website:
woodsinthebear.com
BLOODY INDUCTIONS
July 2010 (Version #1)

CAST
Vlad - 30s
Baron Blood - 30s
Edmund - 20
Vicky- 20s

(Scene: Stage set up inside Baron

Blood’s mansion. Enter Vlad and Baron
Blood. They run around the stage
laughing wickedly and obscuring their
faces with capes. They both behave like
overblown vampire cartoons: think
Sesame Street’s The Count. Vlad
approaches and speaks into a
microphone.)

VLAD
Ha ha ha! Fellow fiends and demons, welcome to the 531st
annual Stag Club of the Night Pledge Initiation! Our virile
bonds, forged in the blood of the innocent, expand like
darkness at the setting sun!

(Vlad and Baron Blood enjoy a wicked

laugh.)

BARON BLOOD
Also we’d like to thank Sarah’s Green House for their
sponsorship. Sarah’s Green House, houseplants, ceramics,
glassware and more.

VLAD
Glassware of the damned! Ha Ha!
BARON BLOOD
Also just regular glassware.

VLAD
Yes... well, let’s not waste time just because we’re
immortal, the moon has reached its zenith, the moment has
come for our first pledge to be baptized in the blood of a
virgin, born again as an unholy being with untold power!

BARON BLOOD
Membership benefits include around the clock access to the
club house, a life time subscription to our biannual
newsletter, discount prices at most Des Moines area IHops-

VLAD
Yes Baron Blood, we are all aware of the many unspeakably
perverse benedictions that come with ordination.
woodsinthebear.com 2.

BARON BLOOD
(adjusting his top hat)
This limited edition top hat for instance.

VLAD
Indeed. Thank you Baron. Now, from the darkest pits of hell-

BARON BLOOD
Backstage-

VLAD
-We summon forth our first pledge. I am pleased to introduce
my own rotten flesh and blood, the slayer of virgins himself,
my son, Edmund Dracul!

(Enter Edmund. He shuffles in,

downcast. Edmund is essentially a
depressing, emo, Twilight vampire.)

VLAD
Let’s here it for Edmund. Come on, don’t mope.

EDMUND
(cautiously approaching the
mike)
Hi.

VLAD
Edmund, my son, before you were just a monster, soon you will
be a manster. Are you prepared? Are you prepared to take your
first steps into the great abyss of evil which opens before
you like the gaping maw of hellish Charybids?

EDMUND
If I have to dad.
VLAD
You do! Bring forth the maid!

BARON BLOOD
I gave my maid the night off.

VLAD
No, the sacrifice.

BARON BLOOD
(fetching the Virgin)
Oh. Well don’t get snippy.

(Baron pulls a struggling girl, Vicky,

onto the stage.)
woodsinthebear.com 3.

VICKY
Lemme go you prick! I told you I don’t do private parties
larger than 15!

VLAD
Edmund, we have procured this poor, innocent virgin-

VICKY
Virgin! Ha! You’ve been shopping on the wrong websites buddy.

BARON BLOOD
You did say you do characters.

VLAD
Whatever! We have procured this puny mortal for your
induction. Now bathe in her blood so we can move on for
Hell’s sake.

VICKY
Oh, no way-

VLAD
(waving his hand over Vicky’s
face.)
Silence.

(Vicky drops her head.)

BARON BLOOD
(raising hand for high five.)
Nice! I love it when you do that.

VLAD
(leaving Baron hanging)
Edmund, get to drinking.
(Edmund stares at Vlad.)

VLAD
Come on, don’t do the heart burn stare thing. Just give her a
little, you know, chomp.

EDMUND
I wrote a poem.

VLAD
Ok...

EDMUND
I think I should read the poem instead. It’s a dark
expression of my perpetual but tragically unfulfillable
desires.
woodsinthebear.com 4.

VLAD
No we pretty much just do the blood drinking thing.
(aside to Ed)
Ed, you promised me you would behave.

EDMUND
How about this? Instead of drinking her blood, I take her on
a picnic in a flowery clearing.

(Vlad waits a moment for Edmund to

continue.)

VLAD
And?

EDMUND
That’s it. Just the picnic.

VLAD
(back into the mike)
Ok, Edmund is having some cavity issues, so we’re going to
give him a buy. Everyone welcome our newest member-

BARON BLOOD
Wait a minute. He’s gotta drink this strippers blood.
Tradition Vlad. We don’t just give top hats to anyone.

VLAD
How about we give him some blood in a to go cup, and he can
drink it later.

BARON BLOOD
The Club’s bylaws are pretty specific.

VLAD
But she’s not even a virgin.

BARON BLOOD
I said pretty specific.

VLAD
Trust me, Ed is viscous. He’s just having an off night.

EDMUND
I think if I read the poem it would really clear some things
up.

VLAD
No poetry! We’re the terrifying undead damn it!

BARON BLOOD
Hey! The undead can like poetry too. I use to hang with Poe
before I drank his cousin.
woodsinthebear.com 5.

EDMUND
(to audience)
Do you guys want to hear my poem?

VLAD
Really son, it’s not necessary.

BARON BLOOD
Come on, what’s it gonna hurt Vlad?

VLAD
You don’t understand-

EDMUND
(to audience)
I want you so bad, so violently. When I look at your soft,
thin neck, I want it so feverishly,

VLAD
Hey that’s not so bad.

EDMUND
I just want to marry you.

VLAD
Oh geez.

(As Edmund reads his poem Vicky wakes

up at stares at him).

EDMUND
But I can’t, because your father won’t give me permission. Oh
how I wish I could just sparkle in a sunny meadow with you,
and act like I want to to want have sex with you.
(Edmund shifts the focus of his poem
from the audience to Vicky.

EDMUND
Oh how I wish I could just stare moodily at you from now
until much later than now. A few hours at least. Oh, how nice
it would be to hold your hand once you were ready to take
that step in our relationship, but only once your ready
obviously. I’ll be sure to ask before I try anything. I mean,
I’d probably need to be ready for that step if anything. Oh,
how I wish we were both pretty butterflies. But nay, instead
I’m all dark and deathy and stuff. The End.

(Edmund and Vicky stare at one another)

VICKY
That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.
woodsinthebear.com 6.

VLAD
Everyone I apologize.

BARON BLOOD
Wait. Let them finish.

EDMUND
I want to take you away from here. I want to take you away
and just, like, stare into your eyes and literally do nothing
else for hours on end. Like that’s literally the only
activity we are going to do. Staring. Good old, dull in most
other circumstances, staring.

VICKY
That’s so romantic. Carry me!

(Vicky lunges toward Edmund who backs

away.)

EDMUND
Woah! No touching. Just the staring remember?

VICKY
Oh right.

(Edmund and Vicky exit.)

VLAD
Edmund Wait! I command you to wait. Uh, oh, well, he’s.. who
am I kidding. Baron Blood. Everyone. I’m so embarrassed.

BARON BLOOD
Don’t be embarrassed Vlad. Be proud.

VLAD
Proud?

BARON BLOOD
Absolutely. Your son is incredibly evil. Can you think of
anything more terrifying than dating, or even just hanging
out with him? Even if it was just for like two hours, that
would be, woof, terrible. Hellish really.

VLAD
So he’s in?

BARON BLOOD
Absolutely. He’s the kind of wicked people write books about.

(Blackout.)