In his book The Way of Kabbalah, Z’ev more depressed and hypocritical.
By wanted to be alone, she told me this
ben Shimon Halevi warns that one of the end of the summer of 1974 I woman said my Guru was sitting in the hazards of the spiritual path is decided to return to India. I didn't her basement. Of course I decided to that the seeker may mistakenly study know what I'd find, but I'd go stay one more night, and the next day with a false teacher, someone who is anyway. I knew I was different than I I went with Hilda to see a lady named either self-deluded or an imposter. had been ten years before but I was Joya. We went down into the He also writes that of even greater still not cooked. basement of her home and there she danger— Driving East, I stopped overnight was, sitting in what Hilda said was . . .is the man who has reached some in Pennsylvania at a motel where I samadhi. I checked; I could find no level of realization. His quality is was planning to watch the House breath or pulse. She was like a rock, usually enigmatic, and he often Judiciary Committee Hearings on She was a very unusual looking possesses remarkable powers which television, but a storm put out the woman; she had long false eyelashes, he uses to intrigue and manipulate electricity. It was too early to go to heavy mascara, and a low cut dress. people who are not so evolved as sleep so there was nothing left to do Maharaj-ji was an old man in a himself...Alas, such men have the but meditation. After Maharaj-ji came blanket, but I'd given up having ability to fascinate and imprison to me in a vision. He looked just like models about what packages the next people by their personal charisma, he always had looked. message was supposed to come in. which is the exact reverse of Kabbalah, whose object is to free men from bondage…Such a man can leave the path and descend to the ego, where he exercises all the powers and skills he has acquired nominally for the sake of spiritual work, but in actuality for the glorification of his ego. To such people the image of themselves is most important, and with it comes clothes and mannerisms, all of which suggest that they know about the next and upper World... The phenomenon occurs on the edge of all Traditions… Temptation is possible all the way up Jacob's Ladder. Lucifer was among the highest of archangels before he fell. Only God is perfect. To come in contact with a dark or fallen Teacher is often part of a seeker's training. Many dead ends will present themselves; but all will teach He laughed and spoke to me. It’s Finally she came out of it, looked him something, if only... how to interesting—he had always spoken in at me, and said, “What the fuck do extract himself from the subtle net Hindi, and my Hindi was very bad. In you want?” Hilda said, “Oh, dear, that a false teacher weaves around his India there was always somebody this is Ram Dass,” which didn't seem followers so that his ego may feed on translating. But on these other levels, to make any impression on her at all. them. the transmission is in thought forms, She said, “I don't care who the hell Halevi’s warning fits the latest and then it comes out in whatever he is. Does that old man over there chapter in my spiritual journey. I'd language you think in. So he said to belong to you?” I looked and there like to share it with you to make my me, in very good English, “You don't was a blanket with nothing on it. So I own position known, and in order have to go to India. Your teachings said, “I don’t know.” She said, “He's that you might be forewarned of a will be right here.”. buggin’ me; get him the hell out of more than questionable teaching. It was so valid, and so real that at here.” Whatever there is to be learned from that moment I decided not to go lo Then her consciousness seemed this is, I think, of importance to the India. I decided to go to New to shift just a little bit as she went spiritual community as a whole. Hampshire, meditate a month or so into a very light trance, and suddenly Let me bring you up to date. My in a cabin, clean out my head, and see I felt Maharaj-ji was speaking to me guru, Neemkaroli Baba (better what would happen next. through her. He was talking about known as “Maharaj-ji”), died in 1973. On the following day passing things that he and I had been Since then I had been with a few through New York City, I called discussing in India when I had seen other teachers, but none could begin Hilda Charlton, a spiritual teacher, to him last, little matters about to replace him. I was also lecturing say hello. She told me there was a maintenance of the temples in India and teaching on a full schedule, but I woman in Brooklyn who I should and all kinds of very picayune found I was getting caught in more meet. When I resisted because I continued next page worldly play, and I felt more and from previous page Brooklyn, was in fact Ms. Big, the poetry that poured forth for hours at stuff that she probably could not creative force of the Universe. I and a time. I was breathless with the know and I hadn't even remembered. several hundred others were seduced richness of these moments. Because She came back from that plane but, into this fantasy by her combination it was only through total loving as she explained, she was not of powerful charisma and chutzpaha surrender by those around her that conversant across planes so she and by such things as her seeming to these teachings could come forth, I didn't know what had just happened. go into deep trance states (with was led to surrender to the reality of In the Winter of 1974 I moved to cessation of bodily function), and her the entire scene more and more. She New York City where, for 15 claim to have manifested the told me that some of my teachers at months, I studied intensively with stigmata. In our greed for spiritual that time were such august spiritual Joya. These teachings had a bizarre materialism we wanted to believe it. figures as Jethro (Moses' father-in- intensity that is difficult to convey. 2) At the outset, Joya spent much law), Padmasambhava, Lao Tsu, as From 5 a.m. until 1 or 2 a.m. each day, it was like being in a tornado— or a clothes dryer. One had either to get out or surrender. The realities one was forced to accept went against much of what is common sense, but each time I railed against the system, Joya would talk me out of it. For example she let me know that my lack of trust in her was killing her. The women who surrounded her abetted this emotional blackmail by making desperate phone calls with ghastly reports of how badly Joya was bleeding due to my resistance. So it was that I surrendered more and more deeply to those teachings. As I did so, I reported in interviews and lectures that Joya was, as she professed to be, an enlightened being. Many factors contributed to my surrender to her reality. 1) The intensity of the confronta- tion (often twenty hours a day) forced my subtle ego defenses to the surface. And Joya, in a Kali-esque way, pounced on these impurities and magnified them until I had to let them go or get out. I let them go as fast as I could and hung in. This was just the fire of purification that I, with my chronic case of unworthiness, was seeking. She represented herself not only as the actual Kali taken form, but as a number of other cosmic identities as well, including Athena (played to Hilda as Artemis); Sri Matabrahma (the Mother of the Universe, played to Hilda as Lazuma, the Goddess of light); and Tara, the Tibetan Goddess of our time together in trance states well as Ramakrishna, Christ, Mary of Tantras (played to an astral Pad- in which she seemed to function as a Nityananda, an early Kaballah masambhava). As hokey as all this medium. Through her came many teacher, Kali and Durga. This all seems, while I was in the teaching the seductively rich teachings— impressed me because I had never intensity arid brilliance of the staging supposedly from Biblical, Hassidic, been around people in trance states. and props created a reality which Hindu and Buddhist wise men and 3) Many people for so long had made me ready to believe the bizarre women of the past, or from beings reinforced a model in which I was assertion that a Jewish housewife and on other planes. Her voice and someone special. Even Maharaj-ji mother of three, who was married to language would shift from often a fine Italian Catholic man in unschooled Brooklynese to exquisite said “Ram Dass is a great saint,” or which further played into Joya's reality. Maharaj-ji, or at least to yearn to clean “Ram Dass— Isha” (Christ), or “I am In the vision, I was being brought into up my sexual act. In view of how not your Guru, Ram Dass is your a large amphitheatre in which many many years I had been trying to get Guru.” When most people asserted hundreds of beings in white robes free of these sexual clingings, including my specialness I saw it as their lack of were gathered. At the far end, on a offering lust into the sacrificial fires of perspective. When Maharaj-ji said it, I dias stood a lone figure, a woman also India, I had given up hope of ever saw it as his forcing my power trip to clad in a white robe. Although I could knowing freedom in this lifetime. The the surface so we could see the not see the figure who guided me at sexual karma just seemed too heavy. absurdity of it. But now when all these my elbow, I felt it was a man who I had read of the transtric in certain incredible figures of the past appeared wished to sponsor me for membership Tibetan sects for just this purpose. to speak through Joya just to prepare into this august body. Then the The monk would go through a seies of me for higher work, it fit in perfectly woman on the dias raised her arm ritual openings working with a dakini, with this grandiose model. With my pointing at me, said, “Take him out. or God-woman. Mostly these were intellect I knew this model was just He’s not yet ready.” In the vision I young women who had been prepared another “trip”, and had said so time seemed to understand and agree from childhood to serve in these and again, for I felt myself more and perfectly and left with my sponsor. So rituals without any personal involve- more each day becoming nobody now, sitting at the feet of one who ment or clinging to the sensual aspect special. Yet my ego thirst for power, professed herself to be the Divine of the ritual. In my fantasies I was by no means fully eradicated, made me Mother of the Universe, I felt that I hoping that at some point I too would vulnerable to this model that I was was, in fact, finally being made ready be introduced to such teachings, and somebody special, all the more so in for membership. through such conscious rituals with a the face of such strong reinforcement. disciplined guide, I would once and For Joya kept reiterating that she had for all be free. come to earth only to be an And now I was presented with a instrument for my preparation to be woman teacher who within a few a world spiritual leader and that months after the commencement ultimately she would sit at my feet. All of the training, began to focus on of the people who were now around my sexuality. As I opened more and her, she said, were being prepared to more, assured by her of her total support me in my later work. I easily 5) In the past five or six years I perfect non-attachment to any desire let myself be convinced. have received literally hundreds of systems, I felt a new hope that Those who are familiar with the life grateful letters from people who my dream for purification was story of Krishnamurti will recall that report how I came to them in a vision finally manifesting through this Annie Besant and C.W. Leadbeater of or a dream at a time of need and teaching. I plunged headlong into the the Theosophical Society proclaimed reassured or guided them. While I tornado, casting caution and doubt to the youthful Krishnamurti as the new personally have rarely experienced the winds. world leader. He too bought into it for such astral comings and goings, I must 7) Maharaj-ji had again and again many years before he announced in conclude that either there are a lot said to me, “See the world as the 1929 the dissolution of the Order of of hysterical people creating Mother and you will know God.” He the Star, which had at the time more fantasies about me because I am a often was heard to be repeating the than 50,000 members. In doing so, public figure, or that I have a secret word “Ma” over and over again. He he expressed an anti-spiritual psychic life and am very active in my had several temples built to Durga, an materialism line to which he has subtle or astral body. Joya convinced aspect of the Mother. And all of this adhered for the last 45 years: me that the latter was true, telling me Mother devotion made me feel like an I do not want followers and I that 80% of my teaching was on other outsider, for my own feelings about mean this. The moment you follow planes. the Mother were too colored by the someone, you cease to follow 6) Perhaps what had concerned me relationship with my mother and by truth. most in the period just before I met my training as a Freudian theorist and …I desire those who seek to Joya was that I was not yet free of my therapist. To be in love with a understand me to be free, not to attachments to sexuality. After a long Universal Mother just wasn't happen- follow me, not to make out of me and intense bisexual history, I still ing for me. And yet I knew that the a cage which will become a found that my perceptions were aspect of devotion for the Mother, just religion, a sect. . .You think and colored by my sexual desires. I could as much as devotion to the Monkey- hope that another can, by his afford to be patient about my own God Hanuman for whom I had over- extraordinary powers — a miracle purification from sexual clinging, but whelming love, was a part of the — transport you to this realm of in view of my public role, I was uneasy lineage of my Guru. Sooner or later I eternal freedom which is that any sexual preoccupations on my would have to find a way to appreciate happiness . . . You have the idea part would subtly contaminate those a devotional relationship with the that only certain people hold the to whom I lectured or with whom Mother. Then I came to New York key to the Kingdom of I worked individually and thus City and started to study with Joya and Happiness. No one holds it. No reinforce their own attachments and enter her matriarchal reality. She one has the authority to hold that suffering. Despite the fact that professed to be the Divine Mother, Key. Maharaj-ji had said, “I would never let and I felt that at last I would open up But Joya said she held the key. Ram Dass do anything wrong in to this form of devotion. 4) There was even a powerful America.” The persistence of these 8) And finally there was the vision I had had a few years earlier sexual preoccupations led me to doubt continued next page continued painful to all of us. We therefore was such bits and pieces that kept experience in the Pennsylvania motel went to great lengths to surrender to together the fragile web of reality that with Maharaj-ji. The fact that Joya Joya's every whim so as not to cause Joya created. continually spoke about Maharaj-ji this painful drama. Mixed with the melodrama were and implied his presence by seeming Another way in which Joya could hours of the most incredible medita- to carry on conversations with an be kept down on earth was with gold tions, much discipline and practices astral Maharaj-ji whom I could not bracelets. Soon both her arms were pranayama, great outpourings of see, fed into my secret wish that covered practically up to the elbows devotion in prayer and song, and though Maharaj-ji had left his body, with these bracelets, gifts of lectures in which Joya appeared to he would return somehow to guide concerned devotees. She said that read from an invisible blackboard my spiritual journey. impurities burned her so the gold had and share great truths. While all her There were a few people around to be of at least 18 karats. In my zeal teachings were probably available in Joya who appeared to have third eye to save her, at one point, I purchased various books that anyone could have vision. I knew that though there is a $1200 bracelet for her. But in the read, the intensity and context of the often merit in such higher “seeing”, back of my mind I kept remembering presentations gave them the quality the third eye can be as vulnerable a a time with Maharaj-ji back in 1971. of living original truth. And there was suggestion as the other two. Never- At that time he would call me to him no rest: I got only two or three hours theless these reports did strengthen sleep a night. The combination of my belief in Joya. fatigue and the incredible energy Each of these pieces fed the surrounding Joya kept my emotions reality of the whole system. at the very edge. This made the ing aspects in life with Joya. But I drama all the more volatile, and the had to relinquish my doubts, for with hysteria more pronounced and the each doubt Joya would provoke reality more tenaciously adhered to. incredible guilt in me, telling me that During my time with Joya, a I was causing a severe pain in her when I was at the temple. As often as number of people, many of whom head. This pain originated, so she ten or fifteen times in one day he were devotees of Maharaj-ji, came to said, with an analine dye test on her would point at me and say in Hindi, take teachings. After a time, a few brain. This pain plus the fact that she “Women and Gold.” I never fully left. My involvement led me to look freaked and went stiff at the sound of understood why he was saying, this. upon these few as unfortunate in that sirens, she attributed to having been At the time I knew that Ramakrishna their ability to surrender was taken in a straight jacket by had often cautioned devotees to insufficient for them to receive these ambulance by doctors engaged by her beware of women and gold, and I precious teachings. But then my own husband who thought she was going assumed that this was a way of doubts started to grow faster than I insane. She said that neurologically warning me about the traps of sex could consume them. Joya had the lobes of her brain had come and money. But now as I found changed a great deal in the year. She together. The doctors failed to myself purchasing this costly gold for came to resent having beings speak understand the spiritual significance this incredible lady, it dawned upon through her and refused to serve as a of this phenomenon, as did I, and me that perhaps Maharaj-ji had medium. Thus while she still had diagnosed her as having a brain meant his warning in a more literal great shakti (power) and charisma, tumor. We were never allowed to talk way than I had appreciated. her lectures became merely the to the doctors and were required to Another costly trinket was an reflections of the culture in which she stand by helplessly and watch the $800 ring which Joya needed for had grown up, sprinkled with well-meaning husband and the protection from a group of Tibetans spiritual homilies. In her new feeling medical profession destroy the who were coming from a secret of power she also cast aside Hilda. As greatest saint of our time. At another Shangrila deep in Tibet to kidnap her Joya's compatriot. Hilda, with her time Joya reported that the doctors and return her to her throne as the astral carryings-on, had generated the had found her body riddled with true Tara whom they worshipped. necessary climate of hysteria to malignant cancer which she told us For the ring we found an old lapis support Joya's melodrama. Joya had she had taken on for another person. lazuli scarab. When Joya saw it, she said time and again, “If you want my In large groups we prayed night and said that what we thought was just a truth, you must also take my day to heal her, and she finally pretty scarab was, in fact, a sacred insanity.” Slowly I came to be unwill- reported a miraculous cure. stone from northern Afghanistan that ing to make that bargain. Joya seemed to have great had been taken down into Egypt For example, one day Joya and I difficulty staying in her body and after having served in ancient rituals were hanging out and the telephone would, at the slightest provocation go among ancient Aryans who later rang. She picked up the receiver and stiff as a board. Efforts to keep her in migrated to Tibet. in a pained whisper said, “I can't talk her body consumed much of our While this story seemed unlikely, now, I'm too stiff,” and let the time together. There was a jewel that research did corroborate that lapis receiver drop. The phone was hung Joya wore around her neck that Hilda lazuli was in fact mined only in up and without hesitation she had invested with a mantra to bring northern Afghanistan in ancient resumed our conversation as if her down. When Hilda touched the times, and a scholar of Asian nothing had happened. I realized stone Joya usually came down, but religious history confirmed that the how many times I had been at the with the pain so she said, of a Aryans had indeed brought other end of the phone. thousand razor blades cutting Buddhism to Tibet from, among No matter how I rationalized, my through her. This was in turn very other places, northern Afghanistan. It doubts grew. With doubt came boredom. The tantric exercises no lines exchanged stories, the incredible There is an aura that surrounds longer seemed productive. I began to tapestry of half truths and lies started tantric teachings which implies that experience Joya as just another to unravel. the ends justify the means. For a person with attachments. I By all reports there had been liberated tantric teacher, such a entertained the possibility that these no doctors nor dyes, no straight morality may be possible. For a feelings were cues that I was finished jackets, no cancer riddled body, no teacher with any attachment, it is not. with this teaching and should leave. stigmata and no Tibetans, Her Since I now see that things I said But there was anger in me, and incredible energy came not solely previously about this teaching are just Maharaj-ji had warned us that no from spiritual sources, but were not true. I come away with egg on matter what we did, we should never enhanced by energizing pills. Her my beard. But of more significance put another person out of our heart. closest confidants now confessed than my embarrassment is the issue So I waited until my love was strong that many times they were ordered to of truth. Maharaj-ji insisted that I tell and then I tried to bow out call me to report a terrible crisis they the truth no matter how gracefully. knew to be an outright lie. They embarrassing. For he said, and I But Joya would have no part of it. complied because she convinced believe, that truth will make you free. She treated this withdrawal as resis- them that it was for my own good. During the period of Indian protest tance which had to be overcome for Stories of such deceptions came thick against the British, Mahatma Gandhi my own good. To this end she and fast. Finally, I had to admit I had had initiated a large, protest march in enrolled her entourage to persuade conned myself. which many thousands were me through messages, pleas, threats, What is the lesson from all this? Is involved. After the first day of the badgering and general disruption of it a study in gullibility, fed by greed march, Gandhi called his lieutenants my life. For almost four months, I had to live as if in a state of siege: refusing to answer the telephone, which rang day and night, and often keeping someone posted at the door. If a call happened to get through, I would be told by one of her well- meaning devotees that Joya lay bleeding and dying because of my infidelity. At times ]oya would show up in person to tell me that I was afraid of love or unwilling to surrender. I was told that the astral Maharaj-ji was crying because I had defected. And on and on. The drama got so heavy and spiritual materialism? Is it and cancelled the protest. They ob- that in one early morning episode she Maharaj-ji's lila or cosmic joke? Is it a jected strongly saying that after all and her followers were sighted study of paranoid schizophrenia or this effort he couldn't do this. He climbing over the roof of an eighteen psychopathy? Is it a case of the answered, “My commitment is to story building in an attempt to break misuse of spiritual powers? Perhaps truth not to consistency.” into the apartment where I lived. The it's all of these. Or could it just be a police were summoned by the tantric teaching that defies judgment? There is one final point to be management to remove Joya, who by I don't know the answer. I can label made. Is there reason to fear taking then was trying to pick the lock and this phenomenon a dozen different teachings out of concern as to kick my door in. This foiled her ways and build a supportive case for whether the teacher is pure? Perhaps attempt to bring me to my senses and each reality. But enough realities have not, for all that can ever trip us up is to save me from the evil influence of been built—and crumbled—in this our own impurities. Which is not to the people with whom I was story. say that discrimination is to be associating, all of whom had left her These teachings have a positive abandoned, for indeed it remains an teachings. side. Through them and the leaving invaluable protection on the path. I The reality had crumbled. of them, many of us have gained got caught because of my spiritual I began to see the similarities strength, compassion, openness, and greed and insufficient faith in between these events and stories an ability to allow the movement to Maharaj-ji. You too may get caught about other movements such as the be as it is. For all of this I am deeply and suffer deep disappointment and so-called Jesus Freaks, Reverend grateful. However, while I and others confusion. But I hope that you may Moon's group, and the Krishna profitted from these teachings, not learn something from my example Consciousness scene. Once you are everyone did. Some seemed to have and save yourself a big detour, if your in them, they provide a total reality been hurt in that they came away longing for God is pure, this is your which has no escape clause. with more despair cynicism, and strength. Then though you may get My leaving Joya was part of a paranoia than they had before. If lost for a time, you will in the end large exodus of disillusioned Joya's is not a pure tantric teaching, it hear clearly in your inner heart what followers, including some who had is heavy karma indeed! Lies used to to do, and all the impurities around served as servants in her home. And enhance one’s personal power do not you will just become more grist for as the refugees who left the front liberate. the mill of your awakening.