Diplomacy Definition

The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the
trip!

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to
the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would
you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?".

"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question
first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when
you don't know shit?"

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game
began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton
suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man
came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I
said throw out the first pitch."

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in
and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's
wrong.

"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."

"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too
kinky," he replies.

So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more
drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they
walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more
comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out,

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thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the
living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"

The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in
your purse -- what more do you want?"

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to
have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy
to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells
the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or
family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at
the door. "Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are
seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and
the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no
movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

A man with a peg leg, hook hand and an eye patch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that peg leg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the First World War.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eye patch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me
eye.

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Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook

Airport immigration......
NAME: Muhammed al Facid
SEX: Yes 3 times a week.
NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE: Oh that doesn't matter to me; sometimes I even
do it with camels.

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home
with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We
hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a
pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at
the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

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A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?

A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?

A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?

A. Same thing as a "quickie, “only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?

A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?

A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A. A battery has a positive side.

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Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?

A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex

A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?

A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?

A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?

A: Hair balls.

Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?

A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.