AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL PARENTS OF GIRLS

from Prof. P. Krishna*

Dear Friend,

Everyday we read in the national newspapers about young girls committing

suicide because their parents cannot collect the dowry to get them married or
because they are humiliated by their in-laws, sometimes even murdered out
of greed. Our heart bleeds but we feel helpless, we feel we cannot do very
much about these social evils. I am writing to say that we can, even singly,
free our daughters from this humiliation and suffering provided we are
willing to change our ideas and attitudes towards them. We must do this if
we really love them and care for their happiness more than for our own
convenience.

You may not agree with my views, because they may be contrary to all your
traditional values, but please listen to them, consider them for the sake of
your daughters, even if you find it disagreeable. They can make a
difference of life and death for your daughters. I know that you care for
them and love them because I also have daughters and I can feel your
anxiety and concern.

I maintain that much of the sorrow and suffering in the lives of our
daughters arises from false notions that we harbour in our heads because we
have never questioned them. These notions make us fearful and force us to
accept many situations which we do not have to accept. Permit me therefore
to question some of these false notions :

____________________________________________________________

* Rector, Krishnamurti Foundation India, Rajghat Fort, Varanasi.

Notion 1 :

That we must marry our daughter to someone within our own caste. I ask
you, why ? Are good people only in our caste ? There may be some
differences in food-habits etc. but do they matter more than differences of
temperament or largeness of heart for happiness in marriage ? If we can be
close friends with people of another caste and work with them, why can we
not be happy in marrying them and living with them ?

Notion 2 :

That people of our caste will criticise us and we will be left with no friends.
Are they really our true friends ? If they are, should they not care for our
happiness and that of our daughters ? If they did, would they not stand by us
? If they do not, then they are not really our friends, so why depend on them
? After all, we all have friends among people of all communities and castes;
so why not depend on our true friends, why depend on the caste people ?
Aren't our friends the real community we live in ? Will they not help us if
we are ill or in difficulty ? Surely the idea that only people of our caste help
us is sheer nonsense. Very often they only impose all kinds of restrictions on
us and limit our freedom. So why stick to them, especially if that can
eventually lead to the humiliation and burning of our daughters ?

Notion 3 :

That a girl must get married before she is 25 years old. One may wish that
for one's son or daughter, but why make it into an obsession ? It is important
to be happy in life and if marriage will bring happiness then it is desirable,
but why marry at all costs ? After all, many men and women do live a
reasonably happy life, and with great dignity, without marrying, by devoting
themselves to their work. So why have this fixation in our mind that
marriage is essential and must be arranged by a certain age even if a good
boy is not available ? Why treat the daughter differently from the son ? Why
not educate her, let her work and get married to someone she likes, if she
likes and when she likes, as we do with our sons ? I would rather let my
daughter remain unmarried than have her live with a greedy man who seeks
her hand because of the dowry.
Notion 4 :

That virginity is more important for a girl than for a boy. The pressure to get
a girl married quickly often comes from the fear that she may fall in love
with someone and lose her virginity. The idea that it is more important girl
to keep her virginity than a boy comes from the fear that she may conceive
and have to bear a child, whereas the boy goes Scot free. Surely, it takes two
to make a baby and both persons are equally responsible for bringing up the
child. Animals do not need a system of marriage because the young one
grows up in a few months and becomes independent. But the human child
has to develop not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally for 20
years before it becomes and independent adult. That responsibility has to
be shared equally by the father and the mother who produce the child. It is
not more immoral for a girl to produce a baby before marriage than it is for a
boy. If it does happen, justice demands that we should stand by our daughter
and help her rather than condemn her. Our condemnation of her is a greater
crime than her sexual lapse, as it humiliates her often to the point of
committing suicide. If the boy does not take responsibility for the child, the
girl is already a victim of injustice and our condemnation only adds further
to that injustice.

Notion 5 :

That a girl belongs to her father before marriage and to her husband after
that. No human being belongs to anybody. Having produced a child it is our
responsibility to look after it and care for it, but that child isn't our
possession. My child is my friend, he/she is another human being. Like true
friends, we must care for their happiness but not treat them as objects meant
for our happiness or pleasure. Like the parents, the husband is also a friend,
not the owner of the wife. If my daughter is not happy in his house, she can
always come and live in my house because it is still her house and will
always remain hers. She has as much right to come and live here as any of
my sons. We must drop the false notion that our house is no longer hers
after marriage. Remember, we are friends and true friends never close their
doors at the time of need.

Notion 6 :
That boys are superior to girls intellectually in fields like Science,
Mathematics, Computers or Business. Scientific brain research has blown
off this myth. The differences that we see in ability and performance are not
due to an intrinsic difference in ability. They are culturally induced and
caused by our attitudes. We think it is more important for boys to get
educated and do well professionally than it is for girls, so we do not give
them the same opportunities for training. That is what causes the difference.
If we give them freedom and training they will do equally well and they
have a right to. Women are people, just as much as men are. We are all
colleagues, no one is high or low.

So dear fellow-parents, change your notions and your daughters will be safe
and as free as your sons. Don't wait for society to change -- it will not
change until we change. Treat your daughters exactly like your sons.
Educate them and let them work. Advice them and help them to get married
if they want to, but do not force them. Move out of the grip of your caste
and the whole world is yours. Do it, if not for yourself, for the love of your
children then you will be free of the menace of dowry. Are these false
notions more important to us than the life and happiness of our daughters ?
If they are, then I am sorry to say that our daughters are victims not merely
of the evils of our society but also of our own selfishness.

Varanasi P. Krishna
15.10. 1996