“In his dying moments Phillip II King of Spain, sent for his son, and throwing off his royal robes, showed him his breast eaten away by worms, and said to him, 'Prince behold how we die, and how the grandeurs of this world end. Oh that I had been a lay brother in some religious community, and had not been king!'” (Preparation for Death, St. Alphonsus)
I was in raised the apostate church antipope Benedict XVI and his predecessors created after the death of Pope Pius XII. Despite the darkness, vileness, abominableness of living in the error of heresy, my Spouse called for me to be with Him for all eternity. He lovingly inspired me to follow Him when I was little. I would look up at the pulpit and see the man preaching. He himself was a godless preacher. A man who has the spirit of the world within him. Every cleric standing in the pulpit was full of emptiness and void of charity. They never denounced sin nor strove to correct souls in virtue. I wondered if these men ever knew, looking back now, what truly is virtue?
I knew that my Spouse called. His inspirations to abandon my vices were ever present before my eyes. I however was not courageous like a lion. I was timid, lukewarm, and weak. Many times I attempted to read the whole Holy Bible, but I did not persevered. I was so timid of being called by my Spouse that I had no one to turn to. Not even my parents. For they had a kingdom prepared for me in this world. They wanted me to be an engineer. As my worldly father used to say, “they treat them [engineers] like gods.” It is the same inspiration the devil gave to Adam and Eve. Such a pity to see my own father immersed in such a spirit as the world. My parents wanted me to espouse a lady immersed in the spirit of the world, I however wanted to espouse the spirit of penance, self denial, divine love, and Jesus Christ.
My vocation laid to be a hidden treasure. The pearl to be purchased at a great price. My parents never knew that I had a vocation because I kept it hidden in my heart. According to the Saints, the Fathers of the Church, and the holy Councils, a vocation should be kept secret from the parents. “It is especially necessary to keep the vocation secret from parents.”(The Religious State, St. Alphonsus)
The same is prescribed in the Council of Tribur, and is taught by St. Ambrose, St. Jerome, St. Augustine. St. Bernard, St. Thomas, and others, with St. John Chrysostom, who writes in general: “When parents stand in the way in spiritual things, they ought not even to be recognized.” “Frequently,” St. Thomas Aquinas says, “our friends according to the flesh are opposed to our spiritual good”. For fathers often prefer that their children should be damned with themselves rather than be saved away. Hence St. Bernard exclaims: “O hard father, O cruel mother, whose consolation is the death of their son, who wish rather that we perish with them than reign without them!” (The Religious State, St. Alphonsus)
I knew that there was a void of love in my life. I did not have the love of God. “No one can live without delight and that is why a man deprived of spiritual joy goes over to carnal pleasures.” (St. Thomas of Aquinas) Spiritual joy is one of the main fruits of divine love dwelling in a soul sanctified in grace. My early years consisted of me not having any spiritual joy. Especially between the ages of 12- 20 when I was a slave to lust.
My Spouse, in spite of my infinite impurity, still inspired me through His holy angels to repent of my wicked ways. This was the spirit of the world inside me. This is what my parents envisioned me to embrace! What terror! What horror! I was enchained. I was weak and timid. Since I did not have the love of God in my soul, this was my sole desire, the love of lust. Wicked and perverse thoughts would fill my head. And there were times I tried to stop, but the slavery only grew worse.
It was very painful for me to deal with not being loved by God. I had the knowledge of knowing God hated me. I felt completely abandoned my God. I would drink the iniquity of lust more than a college student binge drinks alcohol at a party. Lust consumed my life. Are people this mad to embrace the spirit as the world?
Jesus, my loving Bridegroom, preserved my virginity for Himself. This I must admit He has loved me, an infinite abomination, more than others. For while He has allowed others to fall away from virginity, He jealously protected mine. This grace alone, as I nearly cry now writing, could never be appreciated. While retaining the spirit of the world inside me, the vice of pride grew deeper into my soul. I pridefully thought that I could resist any temptation a woman could try against me. While in college, God humbled me one night. And I nearly lost my virginity. I wish to write modestly on that subject. So I will say very little on what happened that night.
This was the beginning of me falling madly in love with my Spouse, Jesus Christ. Although I did not even suspect it totally. But He was slowly detaching me from the world. A world drowned in sinful wicked pleasures. I first went to the worldly heretical priest who coldly forgave my sins. I still however had a remorse of conscience. I felt within side of me that my sins were not forgiven.
Now I am going to fast forward to the spring the next year (2007). I was still sadly in my vice. But my heart grew only worse. I was in greater sorrow then before. Now I did not enjoy the past times of lust. Now it was a war trying to get out. I was striving with all my might to stop. However, I could not. I felt that I was being swept away from God forever. I thought myself to be lost. F...O...R...E...V...E...R...
There were many nights I wept over my wretched and vile sins especially almost losing my virginity to that poor woman (may God have mercy on her soul as well). I wept now that I was a slave to sin. God was punishing my wickedness by showing to me my helplessness without Him. He permitted His abominable Spouse to cry to Him for help.
[Note: A life of prayer is completely contradictory to the spirit of the world. That is why when a soul immersed in the world has such a hard time praying. That is why Jesus Christ commanded us to always pray. “We ought always to pray, and not to faint.” (Luke 18:1)]
After many months of continually up and down emotional fighting the passions of lust, Mary, the Blessed and Immaculate Virgin, took pity on such a wretched sinner as I was. There was to be a battle one night that she was to crush the head of the serpent. I was in bed one night just about going to sleep. Temptations attacked me from all sides. My body was on such fire from lust I thought I was going to be burnt alive. I said no, but the temptation only grew worse. As the temptations grew worse I wept and cried quietly. I was a helpless forgotten weak sickly sinful child. I thought I would never get out of this slavery. I thought God would leave me in such a pitiful state as the state of damnation. For His Justice demanded punishment for my wickedness. There is no greater punishment in this life then God abandoning a soul to its own desires.
I began praying to the Blessed Virgin Mary. Hail Mary after Hail Mary and the fire within me grew worse. I would continually fight between, “I am going to commit it,” and “I am not going to commit it.” In the end I cried myself to sleep and never committed the act.
The next day, I was not even assailed with a single sinful thought. I had no desire to commit any impure acts. I felt free and pure as if I never consented to a single lustful thought or action in my entire life. Ever since then, I have, not to my knowledge, committed a single sin against impurity.
It was sometime after that I had watched a video on Youtube of a 1943 Easter Latin Mass sung. I asked the rhetorical question to my friend (who was an atheist at the time later converted to the Novus Ordo church), “why do not we have this?” I was raised with the most disgusting liturgyand you
deaf and blind than rather be present at the abominable heretical Novus Ordo Missae. Only if you, the reader, could fathom the holy indignation and abhorrence I have against this disgusting Novus Ordo Missae! An American commented on this “New Mass” in simple terms for the edification of the rest of Americans, “I mean that seriously, because I'm a sinner and I know I don't deserve to be 'entertained' when I go to worship God in that Holy Hour of the Mass. The New Mass is a lot more 'entertaining,' a lot more 'fun.' It's a lot of face to face, up and down, and more like a combination of a talk show, an
I had an ardent desire to learn and read about the Fathers of the Church and the Saints. These are the souls who ought to be our guides to the path of salvation. My high school German teacher always stated to us, “lesen, lernen, lieben” - “read it, learn it, love it”.3 With the Catholic faith it is applies the same way. “He that readeth let him understand.”4 We must read these days from the writing of the Saints. We must learn from them and their actions. We must love God with our whole heart, and with our whole soul, and with all of our strength, and with all our mind.5
In the spring of 2007, after I had failed to engineering tests, 27% & 33%, I was shocked. I never failed a test in school. For both of my classes, I had only three exams for each one. If I were to fail, I would need to get 100% on the next two just to pass. With some simple math calculations in my head, I did not expect myself to pass my classes. I had inspiration, maybe I am called the the priesthood. At that point in time, I had remembered a past event. I talked to God some years ago, that “if You wanted me to be an engineer Thy will be done. But You want me to be a priest, Thy will be done.” I talked to God back in 2005.
Now bringing you back...
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