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The Modern Vampire: An Undead Response

The Modern Vampire: An Undead Response

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Published by Joshua Guess
A letter from one of the undead venting his frustrations at the current vampire stereotypes.
A letter from one of the undead venting his frustrations at the current vampire stereotypes.

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Published by: Joshua Guess on Jul 26, 2010
Copyright:Traditional Copyright: All rights reserved


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The Modern Vampire:An Undead Response
By Joshua Guess 
Some vampires have all the luck.I mean, here I am, nine hundred years old next Thursday, and I can't even get a decent lie in for allthe tween girls and their mothers whooping for a fictional bloodsucker that doesn't even suck blood.What's a man to do?My place is a large sprawling farmhouse right in the middle of town. Right next to me is a slightlyyounger theater, and most times that doesn't bother me. I like to hear the sounds of people, the happy babble that is humanity functioning as it was intended. Also, such large crowds make for easy hunting,and the variety of them is like a multinational buffet. But I digress.You can't imagine how frustrating it is to listen to them go on. Oh, he's so beautiful. Oh, he sparkles.Bullshit, I tell you. The only time we sparkle is in that microsecond when sunlight hits us, and it's only because our skin has suddenly burst into powdery ash. Then we just catch fire.And this business about being some kind of vegetarian? Not feeding off of people? Afraid not. Oh,don't get me wrong, I've told that one to many a beautiful woman over the centuries if I didn't want toscare her off. But of course, as soon as she's gone to powder her nose it's back into the cellar to have asip from whoever I'd managed to snatch up the day before.This idea of there being some choice between one of us and a werewolf. Please, spare me.
Werewolves aren't even in our league. They always smell like wet dog, and I haven't met one yet thatdoesn't cheat at cards.But you know, this has been coming for a long time. We've spent centuries keeping our existencesecret. Part of the plan was seeding popular culture with stories about us. What better way to makesightings seem ridiculous, am I right?Nowadays, though, it's almost as if people see us as a joke. I understood quite well that the romanticmovement wanted to give us a bit of sex appeal. After all, it isn't easy to sell stories about a viciousmonster that just wants to eat your blood. Made good sense to jazz us up a bit, and it helped that wereally are more attractive than the average human.But these modern writers just seem to do what they want with us, willy nilly. If we're not moody gaysociopaths living in New Orleans, then we're moody straight “mainstreamers” living somewhere else inLouisiana. Or, god help us, we're portrayed as perpetual moody teenagers obsessed with teenage girls.The thought makes me shiver.Why do people buy that, do you think? One, it strikes me as being on the verge of severe pedophilia,the idea of a centuries-old being hounding after a sixteen year old. Two: who the hell wants a teenagedgirl except for a teenaged boy? I watched my family get slaughtered by a horde of angry vikings for nothing more than a few bushels of wheat and some bits of silver and copper. Sorry if I don't think theepic problems of how to obscure blemishes on the first date compare.We're not moody isolationists. I thoroughly enjoy my second life! Forever young, getting to watchand learn for all of time, becoming incredibly rich and ever more powerful. What's to be upset about?Sure, I feel bad that I sometimes lose control when having a snack and have to do bit of fast diggingsomewhere deep in the woods, but that's unlife for you. I don't kill if I can help it, and generally I eat bad people, but every now and then I go and kill an innocent. I'm nature's most efficient predator, and Ican't change my spots.The next time I go to the local superstore and see a book with a cover themed in red and black, I am

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