The Wilful Walks of C.J.

Duffy
Coda

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 *Further thoughts of a Wilful Walker *

“Life is growth. If we stop growing, technically and spiritually, we are as good as dead..”

Morihei Ueshiba

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 1.

These roads I travel are walked alone. I seldom have any companion other than the camera and
pen I use and the music I listen to. The places I visit are solo trips. I often hope to bump into
someone, some beautiful soul who finds that they too are without a companion, another screw up,
one who might welcome me as a friend or maybe more than just a friend. I am married and
perhaps shouldn’t feel these emotions, shouldn’t think these thoughts but I do even if in truth
there has only ever been one love for me. I walk alone not by choice but by the fault of my own
temperament and the mood swings that have plagued me. If ever a man could regret his past
actions then I am that man. Regret and sorrow just lead to melancholia and I have no time for
such drains on my spirit. I have done wrong, been callous and cruel with a wicked tongue and a
sulky nature but I am sorry and if I cannot get forgiveness then I will seek some absolution in
rediscovering just who I am, just what I am.

“Me used to be angry young man

Me hiding me head in the sand
You gave me the word, I finally heard
I’m doing the best that I can”
“It’s Getting Better”- a song by Song by Lennon & McCartney from The Beatles album Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band

Many of these roads are new to me as are the places I visit. Some are familiar and have been the
surrounding background to my life. Both old and new give me a feeling of depth of belonging, a
sense of where I have come from and all the possible places I could be. Many of the roads of
England are like the veins that intertwine around a manual workers forearm; they twist and turn
but all feed the same pulsing source.

The heart is a muscle, one that keeps blood flowing. The soul is the hidden unknown that cannot
be seen or touched but exists within all of us. It is the invisible thread that connects heart and
mind and provides us all with feelings of self.

I am learning that this gift of life doesn’t end and start as we think it might; it doesn’t start when
we are born nor does it end when we die. Life truly begins when you start to really love it, really
mean it, really live each day as though it were your last. These thoughts, these beliefs give me such
courage, courage that I have never had before and if I did lose all self confidence awhile back, and
if I did let my darker self rule me then I will do my utmost to never let that happen again. And
don’t for a moment go thinking that I feel sorry for myself or want to engender sympathy from
anyone, I don’t. Neither do I wish to create an image for myself of being some manic ogre; I am
nothing of the sort. I am more the class clown and quite irritating no doubt with my childish sense
of humour but I, like most of us, am flawed and my flaw is my dark side with my flammable, ill
tempers. I think that I have that side of my nature under control but in some cases this epiphany
has arrived a little too late.

“Live all you can; it is a mistake not to.

It doesn’t so much matter what you do in particular, so long as you have had your life. If you haven’t
had that, what have you had?”

Henry James (1845 – 1916)

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 2.
There are some unkindly myths that surround the people of Essex, some stereotypical rumours
that are used by the dull witted and puerile. Forget them, they are not even worthy of comment. I
found a different set of truths as I wandered around the county of my birth. There is a deep
history in these flat lands, a collective bond that links all Englishmen and recalls the Anglo-Saxons
for, like it or not, this southern most county is still a part of Anglia; the kingdom of the Angles, for
it was here that those people, the original English lived. It was here in Essex that the Romans
decided to build their capital city, and not just the capital of England but of the whole of Britain:
Camulodunum (Colchester). It was favoured by them because of its strategic location. On
reflection it is easy to see why.

Constable used parts of Essex as his inspiration; he enjoyed its reeds and marshes seeing beauty in
its hedgerows and rivers, recreating its pastoral elegance with a stroke of his brush. Modern day
artist Simon Carter is another who takes the area and places it onto canvas. His images are a
startling array of vibrant colours that mirror this ancient region in rainbow hues.
Both men were inspired by what they saw. On reflection it is easy to see why.

Gustav Holst composed one of the best loved pieces of modern orchestral music in Essex, a
triumph of sound that was as English as the rose. Without the glory of Essex would The Planets
Suite have sounded so grand and sweeping in its vision, so elegant and vivid in its delivery? I
strongly doubt it. Holst had a holiday cottage in Thaxted from where he would compose his music
and a local church that stands like a cathedral from where he would dream of festivals to flood the
senses with a wonder of melody. His dream lives on and in turn inspires others. On reflection it is
easy to see why.

The oyster men of Leigh-on-Sea carried out their industrious labours feeding the world with their
harvest and growing wealthy beyond belief. It was the unique properties of the estuary that
allowed them to garner such success. It was from here that those self same fishermen, in another
age, another century, set sail during Britain’s darkest hour, when our backs were really against
the wall, when Hitler’s evil hordes were hammering on our doors. Armed with little but their own
courage, in a fleet of rickety boats they went to Dunkirk where they, men of the soil and as
ordinary as coal, aided their fellows to escape, regroup and battle on.

When all things are considered, all inequalities laid in balance, it is easy to see what a jewel of a
county Essex really is, a shinning example of the English way of life, from the rural fields of
Dedham to the forest of Epping, from the coast of Frinton to the industry of Dagenham. Essex is a
microcosm view of England in all its myriad forms. It is a wonderful county and I love it. On
reflection it is easy to see why.

“Is that the eagle, carrion wise,

That soars in ghoulish enterprise,
The half dome of the Essex skies,
All memory to rescind?”

The heroes of the slaughter-place,

Left not a sign, nor hint, nor trace,
The bloom of Anglo Saxon race
Here found its tragic end...”

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 3.

I suppose in many ways these wilful walks of mine proved to be part of a cathartic process for
me. As much as I enjoyed wandering around the county learning things that I had never
known before, enjoying the scenery, revisiting places of childhood memory, it was also a means
to an end. I needed to clear my head, I needed to find out who the hell I really was rather than
continue drifting along in the shell I had become. I am not one for organised faith, not much of
a one for organised anything. I think all that ritual and dogma is just too stifling for me to
bear. That isn’t to say that such faith doesn’t have a place for it patently does, and so much of
it is a positive force in a world awash with negativity but it simply doesn’t provide the answers
that I needed.

“It is a fine thing to establish one’s own religion in one’s heart, not to be dependant on tradition
and second-hand ideals. Life will seem to you later, not a lesser, but a greater thing.”

D.H. Lawrence

As I walked, listening to music, reading bits of this and that whenever I had the opportunity, I
began to see the world and the things that occupy it in a different way. We are all connected in
some way; all things that exist are part and parcel of something far larger than us. Monotheists
would say it is God and they are welcome to their view but for me that just creates as many
questions as answers. One only has to observe the everyday goings on of life to see that the
rules of existence are there for all to follow. We really don’t need to have a black book with
rules written down, not when the rules are there before us each and every day to see.

“True religion does not require one to count beads and say prayers; what really matters is how
you behave and interact with others.”

Acharya Swami Pranabananda

If I sound pious beyond belief then forgive me, I am still the same flawed man I have always
been. I am still a sinner in a world full of sinners. There has been no road to Damascus for me,
no birth of faith. All that has happened is that I can see a lot clearer now than I did before; the
important things in life are all in sharp focus. We can all of us go through life searching for its
meaning and while we do that we are missing the point of life entirely; life is meant to be lived
and to the fullest. The only regret I have is that I did not discover all of this before.

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never
live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”

Albert Camus

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 The Wilful Walks by C.J. Duffy © 2009

Grateful thanks to all those mentioned on the individual chapbooks.

This series of chapbooks is dedicated to Crablocker: The one, the only.

“Arjay are one, as one within me, Like sun to sky, like leaf to tree.”

All photography by David Vigor

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