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He wants to be …

He wants to be …

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5.0

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Published by Robbie (etc)
satirical sketch
satirical sketch

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Published by: Robbie (etc) on Jun 20, 2008
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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05/09/2014

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He wants to be…
2nd version© 2006by Phyllis Stein.
Mrs Polly Esther Rabinowitz:
Doctor, doctor, I got a problem.
Dr Liebler:
(cheerily) What sort of problem is it, Mrs Rabinowitz?
Mrs Rabinowitz:
It’s my son, doctor. We wanted he should be a lawyeror a doctor even, but — he wants to be a goil.
Dr Liebler:
(pleasantly surprised but acting shocked) He wants to be agoil — girl?
Mrs Rabinowitz:
He wants to be a goil, already.
Dr Liebler:
Well, that’s o.k. — he can still be a lawyer or a doctor.
Mrs Rabinowitz:
(sighs forbearingly) No, no, doctor, you don’tunderstand. He wants to be a goil. He wants to be a goil! I mean, he went toDr Goldstein to get hormones. He’s bigger than I am! He wears skoits! Helooks like a cross between a goil and a boy. I — I don’t want a goy in ourfamily!
Dr Liebler:
Better than a boil —
Mrs Rabinowitz:
He’s telling me about boils! I who have raised twochildren and their slob of a father. Like I said to my husband, Isaac I said, ourson is a goy. What, you mean he got convoited?, he says. No, he don’t gotconvoited yet, I say. Well, how can he be a goy then, goes Isaac. Then hetakes a pork pie from the refrigerator, opens up his comic book and ignoresme. Isaac has all the charm of a chilblain.
Dr Liebler:
(widens his eyes and lights a cigar, but says nothing)
Mrs Rabinowitz:
Where did I go wrong, doctor? Am I a bad mother?Why does my son want to be a goy? Is it because I once used his sister’sdiapers when he was a baby? Is it that I let him be Mary Magdalene in theschool play when he was seven? Or that we moved to Australia?
Dr Liebler:
(polishes his glasses on his tie and smiles) Certainly could bethat last one.
Mrs Rabinowitz:
Wipe that smile off your face! I polished hislightbulbs all through college — even though he lived in the dorm — and this
 
is how he repays me. Sheesh!
Dr Liebler:
(trying to look serious) Well, Mrs Rabinowitz, there’s notmuch I can do — except to offer him a good deal on hormones and soigery —better than that shark Sol Goldstein. For him —
Mrs Rabinowitz:
He wants to be a goil! A goil! My son, da goil! Is thathow I introduce him to my dear friend Mrs Pumpernickel? And — and he’schanged his name …
Dr Liebler:
(twirling his moustache)Im not surprised.
Mrs Rabinowitz:
… we called him Irving Rabinowitz and he’d rather be
Dr Liebler:
Whoopi Goldberg?
Mrs Rabinowitz:
 You think you’re so funny Nathan Liebler youknow, he looks more like Barbra Streisand … No! He’d rather be Irvinga.Who ever heard of a name like that? Irvinga! All the shiksas will laugh intotheir peroxide. I should live … I wouldn’t have minded so much if he’d pickeda sensible name like Rachel or Naomi — but, Irvinga! Oy gevald!
Dr Liebler:
(coughing fit barely averted and pouring himself a tumblerof Mogen David) Mrs Rabinowitz, please contain yourself you nearlyknocked over my signed photograph of Woody Allen doing the Gaza Strip.
Mrs Rabinowitz:
Listen to him. My son is going to these funnynightclubs all the time. His friends are all trans-this and trans-that. One wascrying on my shoulder because he couldn’t have a baby. He’s built like DollyParton. I thought, what is he going to do with those things?
Dr Liebler:
Put a ring in each nipple?
Mrs Rabinowitz:
 You men are all the same. Interested only in onething or rather two — or three … Oy, what can I do? Nine months in labor forthat boy, slaving over a hot stove, working my fingers to the bone …
Dr Liebler:
Don’t ask me, Mrs Rabinowitz, ask yourself. Ask your son even!She’s — er, he’s — heh heh — actually, I’d like to meet his friends, for, er,purely professional reasons. Um, is there anything more you can tell me?
Mrs Rabinowitz:
 That’s the whole shmeer.
Dr Liebler:
At least he’s not claiming to be the Messiah like most of mypatients.
 
Mrs Rabinowitz:
Ha! Did Mary have these problems with Jesus?
Dr Liebler:
He went up the Cross too.
Mrs Rabinowitz:
So now you’re a comedian? Oy vey, I wish we’d neveremigrated! We ended up living nextdoor to a Lebbo with a pilot's licence.
Dr Liebler:
And it’s not even cheaper. I think we must have come hereso some hack writer could make a gag about King’s Cross.
Mrs Rabinowitz:
Don’t confuse me more! Say what you mean andmean what you say, as my dear mother told me!
Dr Liebler:
How poetic …
Mrs Rabinowitz:
(proudly, and a little dreamily) Poetry! She read itand she wrote it. Irving does too. Like — ‘a nose is a nose is a nose’, forexample.
Dr Liebler:
(scratching on pad) He wants a nose job as well?
Mrs Rabinowitz:
(disgusted) All you care about is business. That’splain as the nose on your face.
Dr Liebler:
(flaring his nostrils and grinning impishly) I nose what you mean.
Mrs Rabinowitz:
Don’t be so anti-Semitic! Our accents are badenough. Just think of my mother cold in her grave. Her son wasn’t like mine.
Dr Liebler:
Didn’t he do Barbra on the Borscht Circuit?
Mrs Rabinowitz:
(reluctantly) O.k — o.k! So it runs in the family! Sohe’s got funny friends too! Unlike Irvinga — Irving — most of them arecontent to
dress up.
Dr Liebler:
I know, I’ve seen them — er, I take a
scientific
interest in suchphenomena …
Mrs Rabinowitz:
Science, he says! You know, he told us this when hewas seven and you said it was a phase … now he’s thirty-four. Hell, we couldhave saved heaps on his bar mitzveh.
Dr Liebler:
 Thinking of money at a time like this? You wait till you seemy bill. Anyway, not so much was known then.

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