It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
"SWEET DEE DOUBLE DROPS THE IRS"
Written by
Anthony Nelson
7340 Panama St. Miramar, Fl 33023

954-934-6701
TEASER
OVER BLACK:
12:30 P.M.
ON A WEDNESDAY
PHILADELPHIA, PA
TV VOICE (O.S)
The pass is a bit off, he nails it,
GOOOOOOAL!
CHARLIE (O.S.)
I knew it, I called that.
MAC (O.S)
You did call it.
INT. PADDY’S IRISH PUB - DAY (DAY 1)

(Dee, Dennis, Frank, Charlie, Mac, Mild Mannered Man)
The bar is empty as usual. MAC, wearing a grey novelty top

with cut off sleeves and blue jeans, sits around enjoying a
few beers and watching a soccer game with DENNIS, wearing a
casual striped V-Neck sweater and jeans, FRANK, wearing
slacks and a solid short sleeved button down shirt, CHARLIE,
wearing a ratty T-shirt and jeans and DEE, wearing a plaid
blouse over solid white top and light jeans.
FRANK
How do you always do that? You’re
like an idiot savant.
CHARLIE
Why, thank you dad.
FRANK
Don’t call me dad, I already told
you, we’re roommates. That’s your
privilege.
DEE
You got the idiot part right,
Charlie, you can’t even spell
savant.
Charlie scoffs. He pronounces the word phonetically.
CHARLIE
S-a- this thing.
"Sweet Dee Double Drops The IRS" 2.
He draws an indistinguishable letter with his finger.
DEE
I rest my case, what is that?
CHARLIE
You know...
MAC
No, I don’t think you know, buddy.
PATRON (O.S)
Excuse me... I’ve been waiting on
my tab for over 15 minutes now.
PAN OUT to see a MILD MANNERED MAN, wearing a pair of

glasses, slacks and a business casual top, he is aged about
40.
FRANK
Dee, get off of your lazy ass and
take care of the guy.
DEE
Why do I have to do it?
DENNIS
Every owner at the table, please
raise your hand.
The males all raise their hands.
MAC
Run along now.
DEE
Ass holes.
She and the man exit.
FRANK
Speaking of losing money, which one
of you little bastards been
drinking more beer than usual?
We’re missing 6 cases back there.
MAC
Charlie? You been visiting your mad
room a lot, everything alright?
Charlie suddenly becomes very nervous, peeling back the label

on his beer and not making eye contact with anyone.
CHARLIE
What? Yeah, I been just fine.
DENNIS
You don’t look fine.
Charlie puts down the beer over-dramatically.
CHARLIE
Alright, you got me! (BEAT) I
traded the beers for rats.
FRANK
What do you mean, rats? I didn’t
see no rats around the apartment.
MAC
Why Charlie? They’re disgusting
animals... (OFF OF CHARLIE’S
CONFUSED LOOK) Never-mind.
CHARLIE
What do you mean ‘Why?’ In order to
lure away the alley cats... I used
to soak a sock in rat urine and
launch it out the window, but I’ll
tell you, those cats are getting
smarter so I needed more rats...
DENNIS
I’m a little bit intrigued by this,
how do you acquire said rat pee?
CHARLIE
Like you’ve never had to harvest a
rat sample.
MAC
What kind of sick little
experiments go on in your
apartment?
Dee comes back to the table.
DEE
So... that guy happens to work for
the IRS and we’re going to be
audited.
Everyone stares at her for a few moments, speechless.
Dennis breaks the silence.

DENNIS
You double dropped him, didn’t you?
Dee’s guilty expression gives her away.
ON THIS...
SMASH CUT TO:
OVER BLACK:
“Sweet Dee Double Drops The IRS.”
BEGIN OPENING CREDITS.

ACT I
EXT. IRS OFFICES - DAY (DAY 1)

(EXTRAS)
INT. IRS OFFICE - DAY (DAY 1)

(Dennis, Mac, Charlie, IRS Agent)
TIGHT ON Dennis, Mac and Charlie sitting in the office.
DENNIS
No, think about it, why wouldn’t a
vodka enema work, in theory?
MAC
That’s totally gay... It goes up
your ass bro, Charlie, I’m with you
on this one.
CHARLIE
Thank you. I’m totally against ass
play of any kind.
DENNIS
I’m just saying, if I had to get
something shoved up my pooper, I’d
rather it be filled with vodka.
MAC
No way-- Actually, that makes
perfect sense. I’m back on Dennis’
side. The only oblong shaped
objects that can get near...
there... must be filled with vodka.
CHARLIE
Nah, everything stays away from
mines.
MAC
Is that why you never buy toilet
paper?
CHARLIE
(HIGH-PITCHED, DEFENSIVE) Of course
I buy toilet paper, how would you
even know, you’re not with me 24/7
bro. I buy toilet paper like every
day, OK?
DENNIS
Fine, how much does a roll of
toilet paper cost, Charlie? Hm?
CHARLIE
6 dollars... and 32 cents... am I
right? In the ball park?
MAC
Not even close, bro.
Enter IRS Agent.
IRS AGENT
Dennis Reynolds? Come on back.
The guys follow the IRS agent through the door.
PAN OUT to show a large waiting room filled with stunned

individuals.
INT. IRS AGENT’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(Dennis, Mac, Charlie, IRS Agent)
Dennis and the boys sit opposite the agent’s desk.
IRS AGENT
What can I do for you boys today?
The guys laugh.
DENNIS
No no no, it’s not what you can do
for us, It’s what can we do for
you, pal. You see we’ve come here
today--
The agent cuts him off.
IRS AGENT
10,000 dollars.
DENNIS
Wow that was fast.
CHARLIE
OK, I think I see what’s happening
here. We’re both men of the law I
think we can just get down to the
nitty gritty here...
Charlie pulls out a business card. He then hands it to the

agent. It reads “Charly Kelly: Burd and Othur Lawyiringz”.
The agent drops the card on his desk.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Charlie Kelly. I represent Paddy’s
pub.
MAC
Ignore him please. 10,000 dollars?
We were thinking more along the
lines of offering you goods and
services.
IRS AGENT
Are you propositioning me for sex?
CHARLIE
I object! Move to strike last
statement.
DENNIS
Listen, is there anything we can
do... except for gay sex... to get
you to look the other way on this
whole double dropping thing.
The IRS Agent leans in close.
IRS AGENT
Well, there is one thing. My entire
life I’ve been pissed on by people.
Bullied and beaten to a pulp by
life and her ugly little bitch
mistress; Karma... So I was just
going to end it all.
The guys are confused.

CHARLIE
Like, you’re going to stop whining
and do something about it, what are
you getting at here?
IRS AGENT
The 10,000 dollars was to pay a hit
man... for myself. But if you guys
want to do it, then I wouldn’t need
the money... you’d just have to
make it look like an accident.
The guys faces express intrigue and confusion.
ON THIS...
FADE OUT.
INT. PADDY’S PUB - A LITTLE LATER (DAY 1)

(Dee, Frank, Mac, Charlie, Dennis)
Dee watches soccer with Frank.
Enter Mac, Dennis and Charlie.
TRIO
Heyo!
DENNIS
Good news guys, we may have found a
solution to our little problem.
CHARLIE
Solution? I wouldn’t call it a
solution, more like a horrible,
horrible act of Satan’s henchmen,
really.
MAC
If the IRS agent dies, then no more
audit, sounds like a solution to
me.
Frank and Dee jump in.
DEE
Whoa, kill a guy?
FRANK
Yeah, what the hell are you morons
going on about.
CHARLIE
The IRS dude is extorting us for 10
grand to make this go away or...
DENNIS
Or we could rub him out... at his
request, so he doesn’t need the 10
large to pay for his hit man.
Either way, we win and I’ve always
kind of wondered about taking human
life, do I have the balls for it? I
think I do.
Frank whips out his pistol.
FRANK
I’m in.
DENNIS
No, it’s gotta look like an
accident and you don’t do subtle
very well, you’re out.
Frank puts away his gun.
FRANK
You may have a point there, I like
my killings messy...
DEE
No way, you can’t just kill a man.
What about the other thing?
MAC
You mean the 10 thousand dollar
thing? Sure. You got 10 grand?
Cause if so we’ll just walk over
and pay the pathetic little S.O.B.
Why? Why are you saying stupid shit
while we try to clean up your mess?
DEE
You’re obviously going to burn in
hell.
CHARTLIE
I’m out too...
Charlie goes behind the counter and grabs a box.
CHARLIE
Besides, I have a way to raise the
money.
DENNIS
What’s in the box?
CHARLIE
This, my friends, is the answer to
all of our problems. I’ve had an
epiphany, I know how to get the
money.
MAC
I doubt that but go ahead, let’s
see...
Charlie opens the box.
Mac and Dennis peek inside. They jump back.

DENNIS
Whoa, what the hell man? This box
is filled with rodents.
MAC
I knew it, what could you possibly
think we would need with a ton of
rats?
Charlie chuckles.
CHARLIE
Guys, guys, guys. How little you
know about the business world.
While you’re out stroking your God
complexes, I’m going to be selling
my lovely specimens to ratless
people all over Philadelphia... Who
knows, maybe even the world.
DEE
No ones going to want to buy your
rats, Charlie.
CHARLIE
That’s where you’re mistaking, I
think people will very much want my
rats.
DENNIS
Oh yeah? People like who?
Charlie ticks off his points by finger.
CHARLIE
Well, there’s Pet stores for one.
Cat owners. Mice enthusiasts...
MAC
Mice enthusiasts?
CHARLIE
Yeah, people who are enthused by
mice...
DENNIS
OK, well that’s a dumb idea and
those rats probably have diseases,
so good luck with that.
CHARLIE
I don’t need luck, Dennis, I got
rats... Now if you’ll excuse me, I
have preparations...
Charlie exits. Everyone is stunned.
DENNIS
Is he huffing glue again?
MAC
Oh, I don’t think he ever stopped
huffing glue.
DEE
Frank, you could just pay the guy,
get his blood off our hands, it’ll
be like a humanitarian thing to do.
FRANK
When have you ever known me to be
humane to anybody?
MAC
Dee, do you not see men talking?
Make yourself useful and get me a
beer, please? Will you do that
bartender of Paddy’s Pub, of which,
I am an owner.
DEE
Fine. I don’t wanna help you ass
holes anyway. All you do is treat
me like a peon, in fact, I hope you
lose this stupid little piece of
shit bar and you all go broke and
hungry cause you all got no life
skills, and then Dee will be the
one doing the peeing. I’m gonna pee
on all of your dirty, stupid faces.
FRANK
Come to think of it, I could go for
a beer too.
Dee is rigid with rage. She stalks over to the bar.
The men continue talking.
DENNIS
Now we know you’re beneath helping
anyone Frank, but if I know you and
I think I do... We can come to a
compromise here.
FRANK
I’m listening.
DENNIS
Let us sell Dee to you as a slave,
just incase this whole ‘Post Birth
Abortion’ thing doesn’t work out...
10 grand for a month of good hard
labor?
Frank mulls this over.
FRANK
Slave? I like that... But I don’t
know... Would she clean Charlie’s
sleeping pants, those things smell
awful. Oh, and sanitize the bathing
sink?
MAC
Uh... sure, whatever you want. Tell
you what, don’t answer now, Me and
Dennis got an accidental death to
plan.
DENNIS
Yeah, instead take Dee as a down
payment, test her out, see how you
like it, hm?
Frank caves in. Dee comes back with the beers.
DEE
Here’s your damn beer, hope you
choke on it.
MAC
No time for beer now, we got a
death to plan.
DENNIS
Oh, and your Frank’s slave.
Mac and Dennis exit.
FRANK
I own you. Now come with me, it’s
my turn... I mean, your turn to
empty the cat traps.
Frank takes the beer from the frozen stiff Dee. Frank exits.
ACT II
INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - LATER (DAY 1)

(Charlie, Dee, Frank)
Charlie, dressed in all white suit used in ‘The Gang Exploits

A Miracle’. He is in front of a mirror smiling.
He grabs his box marked ‘guds’.
Enter Frank and Dee. Dee is frazzled and dirty.
FRANK
I told you those traps were
tricky... you have to lift the lid
then scoop the cat remains...
Frank notices Charlie in the mirror.
FRANK (CONT’D)
What’s all this then?
DEE
It smells like raw cheddar in here.
Perfect way to accent this whole
evening, cleaning out cat traps and
phantom cheese smells.
CHARLIE
It’s funny you mention that because
I have a business proposition for
you.
DEE
OK, now we’re talking, what is it?
Charlie hands Dee the box.
CHARLIE
How would you like to become a good
old fashioned, door to door rat
salesman?
Dee drops the box on the table.
Frank interjects.
FRANK
Hold on just a second, half of
those rats are mines and who says I
wanna sell?
Charlie stops in disbelief.

CHARLIE
I made the deal for these lovely
rodents, ergo, my rats. Sorry, but
that’s the law, Frank.
FRANK
Don’t forget you sold beer that was
not entirely yours, therefore I get
a steak in this whole rat business
and I’ve been thinking...
Frank walks over to Charlie, he sits him down.
Frank snaps his fingers at Dee.
FRANK (CONT’D)
You. Get down here and massage
these shoulders.
DEE
Really? You expect me to just jump
down and touch Charlie?
FRANK
Hey, you want me to pay that lousy
ten grand right?
CHARLIE
We do want this off of our hands,
Dee. I mean, could you really kill
that guy?
DEE
Gawd damn.
Dee unhappily does her duty. She recoils after touching him.
DEE (CONT’D)
(GAGGING) Oh-- You’re so moist...
FRANK
(TO CHARLIE) Close your eyes.
Charlie complies, relaxing a bit.
FRANK (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Imagine a world where people would
rip off their left nut to get one
of your rats. Selling these rats
might just work, if you had a
market, give me half of those
bodacious bad boys and I’ll create
the market for you.
Charlie hesitates, eyes still closed.
CHARLIE
I don’t know Frank, you have a way
of screwing me over pretty badly.
FRANK (O.S)
That’s crazy, you can trust me.
Charlie opens his eyes.
CHARLIE
Come on, what the hell man? You
know I can see you, right?
Frank is at the door with the box of rats trying to slink

out.
FRANK
I’ll split the proceeds 70/30.
CHARLIE
Holy shit, 30 percent? Done.
DEE
You’re talking about fighting rats,
Frank. I saw you making those
fighting rings in the basement.
Charlie jumps up excitedly.
CHARLIE
Rings? Oh, please tell me we’re
doing the rat circus thing like we
always planned... please say it.
FRANK
We’ll do that after we get rich
selling your rats to my gamblers so
they can get in on the action, it’s
a win win.
DEE
In case you haven’t noticed, Frank,
those rats are piled on top of each
other in that box, just as docile
as can be, you’re never gonna get
them to fight.
Frank pulls out a bag of white powder.

FRANK
That’s where you’re wrong. I’m
going to mix this cocaine in with
the cheese and give those bastards
a little natural aggression...
DEE
How is that natural? No, never
mind, knock yourself out.
Charlie pats Dee on the shoulder.
CHARLIE
It’s the rabies these little guys
have that’s natural, Dee.
FRANK
Hey, I don’t need no lip from a
slave, now take this cheese and mix
it all up, bring it down to the bar
when you’re done, wench.
Dee’s frustration is apparent.
DEE
If it get’s me away from you for a
few moments, yes, I’ll mix your
damned cocaine cheese, alright? Now
just leave, please? Go.
Frank is indifferent.
FRANK
Cheese. Now. Chop chop. (TO
CHARLIE) Come on Charlie, I got a
batch mixed up already at the bar,
wait till you see what I got in
store for us.
He and Charlie exits.
EXT. MAC AND DENNIS’ APARTMENT - DAY (DAY 1)

(No One)
INT. MAC AND DENNIS’ APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

(Mac, Dennis)
Mac and Dennis pace deep in thought.

MAC
I got it. We follow him around and
when he least expect it, we jump
him.
Dennis stops.
DENNIS
Nah, too involved. I’m thinking I
just wanna sit back in the shadows
and watch him slip quietly into the
night.
MAC
So, poison maybe?
DENNIS
And who knows poison better than
Charlie?
MAC
So we go to Charlie’s, pick up some
poison break into this guy’s home
and slip a little in the drinking
water?
DENNIS
No... but hang on, I’m getting
something here.
Dennis concentrates.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
Got it! We go over to Charlie’s,
grab some poison, then we break
into that guy’s house and slip some
of it in the drinking water, it’s a
pretty fool proof plan, bro.
Mac jumps up.
MAC
Are you shitting me with this? I
just said that five seconds ago!
DENNIS
I don’t think so, you see, I must
have been so deep in thought that I
projected it over to you without
realizing it. That happens every
now and again, try not to think
about it too much.
MAC
You could never do that, my mind is
impenetrable through the ancient
art of Karate.
Mac does a few chops. He does a few deep breaths.
DENNIS
I wish I could believe you, we
could ask someone who thought of
this first but there’s no one else
here... (SHRUGGING) if walls could
talk though...
Dennis exits. Mac follows protesting.
INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - LATER (DAY 1)

(Dee, Mac, Dennis)
Dee is amidst cheese and coke. Her face is trickled with

powder, her actions are jerky. She’s high.
WE HEAR the apartment door open and close.
MAC (O.S.)
Hey, Charlie. We need poison, stat!
Enter Mac and Dennis. They notice the coked up Dee mixing
cheese.
MAC (CONT’D)
Holy shit, what happened to you?
DEE
Daddy said mix the cheese with the
coke, you know? For the fighting
rats... I ate some. Some of the
coke cheese, I ate it.
DENNIS
Clearly... But your strange
willingness to submit gives me a
great idea... Dee, your life sucks,
right? I mean, look at you, sitting
in a dirty apartment, eating coke
cheese prepared for rats or
whatever and you’re smiling, Mac,
why?
MAC
Ugh, cause she’s pathetic?
DENNIS
No, cause she’s riding the white
pony, she’ll do anything! Grab some
of that cheesy coke and come on, we
got a man waiting to die.
DEE
Uh... Do I get more coke?
DENNIS
Why would you think I was talking
to you, No, Mac, grab the cheese.
MAC
Yeah, I think I’m going to take
this down to Frank, sounds like
they got a pretty interesting
situation going on down there.
Dennis throws a few cubes of cheese in a baggie. Mac picks up

the rest of the product.
DENNIS
Suit yourself dude, I’m gonna tweak
out and kill a guy...
Dennis looks at the eager Dee with distaste.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
Fine, come on.
EXT. IRS OFFICE - EVENING (DAY 1)

(Extras)
INT. IRS OFFICE - EVENING (DAY 1)

(Dennis, Dee, IRS Agent)
We see IRS agent writing. He stops and looks at his work.
Enter Dennis and Dee at the door.
DENNIS
Knock, knock. Guess who it is?
The Agent looks up briefly then goes back to work.
IRS AGENT
Um... I thought I said make it an
accident, I don’t wanna see it
coming.
DEE
Oh, you won’t.
Dee picks up the lamp and bashes the guy over the head. He
drops like a ton of bricks, falling out of his chair and onto
the floor.
Dennis immediately begins to panic.
DENNIS
Shit, shit, shit piled on top of
more shit! What are we gonna do?
I’m too pretty and lean for prison!
DEE
What are you yelling at me for? You
said we had to kill him and he’s
dead. Let’s get out of here.
DENNIS
He’s not dead, oh shit, he’s dead
besides how do you accidentally
kill yourself with a lamp? This
does not look like an accident,
Dee!
DEE
I don’t know, maybe he was hanging
it and it fell over, I really don’t
remember what happened, I never
wanted to do this but you took my
coke, OK? I’m just in this for the
coke...
DENNIS
(DISTRAUGHT) I can’t do this. I
can’t kill a man, chop him up into
tiny little pieces and live my life
on the lamb, even if I have the
permission to!
Dee slaps him.
DEE
Get a hold of yourself, we’ve
already come this far, now we have
no choice... We’re going to burn
the body. Grab his legs...
The agent begins to groan. He rolls over.
DENNIS
Sweet Mother Mary, he’s awake.
Dennis rushes to his aide.
IRS AGENT
What happened, why am I on the
ground?
DENNIS
She tried to kill you! With the
lamp and the smashing and the...
DEE
Oh that’s not important, what is
important is you eat this cheese,
it’ll make you feel better...
Yummy.
She slips a few cubes of cheese passed the confused auditors

lips. He chews it.
DENNIS
We need to re-think this, I don’t
think I can kill him, it’s making
me feel (BEAT) icky...
DEE
No, you big pansy, we take him out
on the town and show him a good
night (SHAKING THE BAGGIE OF
CHEESE) with the help of a little
powdered cheese maybe we can
convince him to want to stay alive,
now come on.
DENNIS
And if he still wants to die?
DEE
We’ll be too coked up to care.
They both pop a few pieces of cheese. Dee feeds more to the
agent.
ON THIS...
FADE OUT.
ACT III
INT. PADDY’S PUB (BASEMENT) - EVENING (DAY 1)

(Frank, Charlie, Mac)
There is a frenzy of activity going on in the room. Men are

split into two screaming masses. One around Charlie and his
rats, the other around Frank and the rat pits.
Enter Mac with the cheese mix.
Charlie comes squeezing out of the crowd to greet him.
CHARLIE
Hey, what are you doing with my
nibblin’ cheese?
MAC
Figures. What is all this?
Charlie waves around grandly.
CHARLIE
This large group of people is what
I like to call mice enthusiasts.
Charlie pulls out a wad of money. He begins counting the

bills grandly.
MAC
No way, where did you get all the
green?
CHARLIE
Turns out rats are a hot commodity,
how’s your stupid plan coming?
MAC
That’s Dennis’ shit plan, I want to
be here, let me in on this.
Mac goes to get a better look, Charlie stops him.
CHARLIE
I don’t know, this is a very
delicate situation we got down here
Mac, maybe if you beg.
MAC
You’re not making any sense,
Charlie, this is a basement filled
with coked out rats and opium and
God only knows what else! There is
nothing delicate about this!
CHARLIE
All of those words were probably
the opposite of begging, so, no,
and a little advice, you’re not
making any sense, OK?
MAC
I can’t do this. I can’t talk to
you, I’m going above your head--
Mac notices Frank overseeing the fighting pits.
Charlie and Mac dash over fighting each other all the way.
Mac shoves the cheese at Frank.
MAC (CONT’D)
(IN A RUSH) This-is-amazing-you
gotta-let-me-in-on-this-Frank-I-got
your-cheese-and-I’m-a-much-better
salesman-than-Charlie!
FRANK
I don’t know, these are his rats
and he’s actually doing a mediocre
job here, and I don’t wanna cut
another man in on the profits. This
thing is a gold mine!
CHARLIE
You hear that, Mac? I’m doing a
mediocre job, so we don’t need you
coming in and stinking up the
place.
Charlie sniffs the air.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
What’s that I smell?
He sniffs Mac.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
It’s the stink of your rotting soul
for wanting to take a life.
FRANK
You done?
Charlie backs down.
MAC
I’ll be your slave.
FRANK
You’re in. Go feed the rats...
CHARLIE
But careful, only feed the ones in
the right box, the box of rats
marked “Rabies” has already had
enough cocaine to turn a grown man
into a raging psychopath, you don’t
wanna over feed those bad boys...
Frank and Mac exit.
Charlie taps his fingertips together menacingly.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Don’t screw up, noob.
FLIP SCREEN to Mac standing in front of two boxes with a few

misspelled words crossed out on each. One box has been
settled to read “Rabeez Frii” and the other “Rabeez Kocane”.
MAC
Gawd damn, Charlie.
EXT. MARKET STREET - NIGHT (DAY 1)

(Dee, Dennis, IRS Agent, Woman 1, Woman 2)
CREEP UP to Dennis and IRS Agent, happily walking down the

street intoxicated. Dee follows them.
The IRS agent notices a pretty woman walking with her pal.
The males gawk as the women pass by. The agent grabs Dennis’
arm.
IRS AGENT
Hey, I know her. Word around the
office is she’s a total whore
bag...
DENNIS
Maybe we should offer her some
cheese?
DEE
No! No cheese to spare, get your
own. Oh, I forgot, you don’t have
your own so--
The agent snatches the bag as Dee’s talking.
DEE (CONT’D)
What just happened?
Dennis pats him on the back.
DENNIS
There ya go! Now you’re learning.
Let’s go wrangle us up a good time,
shall we?
The IRS agent beams.
IRS AGENT
There’s no time like the present!
Dennis hooks his arm so the agent can link with him.
He slyly gives Dee the thumbs up signal, she mockingly

returns the gesture.
They make their way to the women.
EXT. SHAMPOO NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT (DAY 1)

(Dennis, Dee, IRS Agent, Woman 1, Woman 2)
We skim through the crowded line, behind the walls of the

club and up to the bar where we find Dennis, The Agent, Dee
and the two women.
INT. SHAMPOO NIGHT CLUB - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

Dennis and the Agent dance with the two women. Dee sits alone
on the side watching the coats and purses.
Dennis dances his way over to Dee.
DENNIS
This is going great, isn’t it?
DEE
Maybe for you, we’re out of coke
and I’m starting to lose my buzz.
DENNIS
Yeah.
Dennis stops dancing.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
To be honest I burned out hours ago
but if we turn back now we’re going
to have to kill him.
The agent makes his way over.
AGENT
You two look like a couple of
squares over here, why the long
faces?
DEE
Squares? Who the hell talks like
that?
DENNIS
Excuse her, she’s just a bit
agitated, she wants to call it a
night.
The IRS Agent sags.
AGENT
No way, it’s still early!
DEE
It’s 4 a.m.!
AGENT
Yeah, that’s early! It’s a new day!
Bring on the bitches!
DEE
This is a very different you. I
want to talk to the sad little
suicidal guy, I bet he’s tired.
Dennis interjects.
DENNIS
More beer at the bar. You in?
AGENT
I’m there, lead the way my good
man!
INT. PADDY’S PUB (BASEMENT) - NIGHT (DAY 1)

(Mac, Frank, Charlie)
Mac is sprinkling cheese over the boxes. Behind him there is

a commotion, he hurriedly dumps the last of the cheese,
accidentally dropping most of it onto the floor. He goes to
check out the cause of the ruckus.
People are panicking. Rats with gleaming eyes scurry out of

their pits.
CHARLIE
They’re going crazy, Frank, why are
they going crazy?
FRANK
I don’t know, but I know how to fix
it.
Frank whips out his pistol, and fires wildly at the ceiling,
BLAM! BLAM!
FRANK (CONT’D)
Just leave all your money behind
and run for your lives!
Men run around wildly trying to exit the basement.
Mac grabs Charlie and Frank. They crouch in an out of the way
corner, away from all of the craziness.
MAC
Hey! What the hell is going on?
FRANK
These stupid rats just went
berserk. You must have fed the
wrong batch!
MAC
I know that’s not possible because
I been feeding both boxes all day
plus they’re still in the closet so
this has got to be one of your
faults!
CHARLIE
Holy shit, look over there!
PAN LEFT to show rats scurrying over to the closet space

where Mac dumped the excess cheese.
MAC (o.c.)
They’re headed to the cocaine.
They’re tweaking.
WE SHOW Charlie, Mac and Frank watching for a few moments,

their faces slowly turn trance-like.
CHARLIE
Yeah but it’s almost beautiful,
isn’t it?
FRANK
Like a herd of tiny water
buffalo...
WE THEN HEAR tearing of boxes and screeches of deranged

rodents. The men’s faces contort into shock and horror.
MAC
Go shut the door and lock them in,
Charlie.
CHARLIE
(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, OK, why don’t
I go get ripped to shreds by a
bunch of crazy rats? I don’t know,
maybe because it’s a fucking
Carmichael mission, that’s why.
FRANK
Carmichael mission? What the hell
is that.
MAC
He means Kamikaze mission.
CHARLIE
That’s what I said. Shamirkazy...
Karmisharsky... What did I say?
What is it?
Mac loses his cool.
MAC
This is your shit, Charlie! Your
shit rats, your shit plan. Go and
clean up your shit or so help me
god I will put my foot up your ass
and wear you like a shoe!
CHARLIE
You and Dennis really won’t drop
this ass play business, will you?
Mac lunges at Charlie. Charlie throws his hands up in

surrender.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I’m going, I’m going.
INT. PADDY’S PUB - NIGHT (DAY 1)

Enter Dee followed by Dennis and the Agent.
The agent goes straight behind the bar. He begins searching.
IRS AGENT
Alright, where do we keep the beer?
DENNIS
Oh, you’re a guest here, relax...
Dennis leads the agent to a stool. They sit down.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
Allow me...
He turns to Dee.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
Excuse me, miss? Two beers, pronto.
DEE
No, every time you jack asses tell
me to get your beer something awful
happens. I’m officially off the
clock.
We hear a thudding sound coming from below.
IRS AGENT
What is that?
DEE
Must be the rat fights, I can only
imagine what they’ve got set up
down there.
IRS AGENT
Rat fighting?
DEE
Yeah, and knowing Frank there’s
probably gambling too.
IRS AGENT
Well what are we still standing
around up here for, take me to
where the action is.
DENNIS
Alright, I like what I’m hearing
(TO DEE) Those beers ain’t gonna
bring themselves.
He and the agent exits. Dee scoffs.
INT. PADDY’S PUB (BASEMENT) - NIGHT (DAY 1)

(Dennis, IRS Agent, Mac, Frank, Charlie, Dee)
Charlie struggles with the door to the closet where all the
rats are tweaking, causing the thudding sound.
Enter Dennis and Agent.
DENNIS
Heyo... what the hell are you
doing?
Charlie finally gets the door slammed shut. He is out of

breath.
CHARLIE
(PANTING) Coke cheese... Rabies...
Killer rats.
IRS AGENT
You guys got more cheese, lay it on
me.
Frank and Mac come over.
MAC
What is he doing here? He’s
supposed to be dead.
DENNIS
Can’t you tell he’s been
rehabilitated? He had a change of
heart...
FRANK
Sounds to me like you pussied out.
DENNIS
Not quite, allow me to mold your
feeble minds for a moment, You
see...
(MORE)
DENNIS (CONT'D)
when it comes to taking life any
old Joe Nobody can do it, but it
takes a man of true courage and
valor to will a life back from the
clutches of death... Gentlemen, you
are looking at that man.
MAC
Dude he’s not rehabilitated... He’s
high, you didn’t do squat but get
him ripped off of coke cheese.
DENNIS
To the untrained eye maybe, why not
ask him yourself.
P.O.V of a deranged rat. Sound is fuzzy and incoherent.
The rat looks up to see MAC, FRANK, CHARLIE, and DENNIS

arguing.
PAN RIGHT to the IRS agent behind them. The agent bends over
to pick something up off of the floor.
WE FOLLOW the agent’s hand as it nears a piece of cheese.
PAN OUT to show entire scene.
The agent picks up the cheese.
NORMAL VIEW, SOUND IS RESTORED. The agent smiles happily.
IRS AGENT
I must admit I’ve never felt so
alive!
The agent goes to pop the cheese in his mouth.
The deranged rat lunges and attacks him in the jugular, He

falls back. The agent struggles with the huge rodent before
dying. The others stand around in shock.
The agent’s body is sprawled in the center of the floor,

lifeless.
DENNIS
I did not see that coming...
Enter Dee.
DEE
Just so you jerks know, this was my
last beer run for the night...
She notices the body.
DEE (CONT’D)
Gawd Damnit, guys... I guess I’ll
call the ambulance.
Dee heads back upstairs.
ON THIS...
CUT TO:
EXT. IRS OFFICES - DAY (DAY 2)

(Extras)
INT. IRS AGENT’S OFFICE - DAY (DAY 2)

(Lawyer)
Office is empty, just the way it was left when Dee and Dennis
picked the agent up for their night on the town.
There is a knock at the door.
UNKNOWN MALE (O.S.)

Hey buddy, you in there? (BEAT) I
know times have been a little tough
but you’re not in it alone pal...
Let me in so we can talk.
Enter Lawyer.
LAWYER
Hello?
He walks over to the desk. He picks up the letter the agent
was working on and immediately reacts with shock. The letter
is revealed to be a suicide note.
The lawyer sits down at the desk to breathe a few moments.

This is where he notices Charlie’s business card on the desk
where the note had been.
He picks up the card and looks from the note to the card
inquisitively. He shakes his head after a few moments.
LAWYER (CONT’D)
Nah....

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Sweet Dee Double Drops The IRS - Spec Script

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Sweet Dee Double Drops The IRS - Spec Script

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"SWEET DEE DOUBLE DROPS THE IRS"

7340 Panama St. Miramar, Fl 33023

INT. PADDY’S IRISH PUB - DAY (DAY 1)

The bar is empty as usual. MAC, wearing a grey novelty top

Charlie scoffs. He pronounces the word phonetically.

He draws an indistinguishable letter with his finger.

PAN OUT to see a MILD MANNERED MAN, wearing a pair of

The males all raise their hands.

She and the man exit.

Charlie suddenly becomes very nervous, peeling back the label

Charlie puts down the beer over-dramatically.

Dee comes back to the table.

Everyone stares at her for a few moments, speechless.

Dennis breaks the silence.

Dee’s guilty expression gives her away.

SMASH CUT TO:

BEGIN OPENING CREDITS.

EXT. IRS OFFICES - DAY (DAY 1)

INT. IRS OFFICE - DAY (DAY 1)

TIGHT ON Dennis, Mac and Charlie sitting in the office.

Enter IRS Agent.

The guys follow the IRS agent through the door.

PAN OUT to show a large waiting room filled with stunned

INT. IRS AGENT’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)

Dennis and the boys sit opposite the agent’s desk.

The guys laugh.

The agent cuts him off.

Charlie pulls out a business card. He then hands it to the

The agent drops the card on his desk.

The IRS Agent leans in close.

The guys are confused.

The guys faces express intrigue and confusion.

INT. PADDY’S PUB - A LITTLE LATER (DAY 1)

Dee watches soccer with Frank.

Enter Mac, Dennis and Charlie.

Frank and Dee jump in.

Frank whips out his pistol.

Frank puts away his gun.

Charlie goes behind the counter and grabs a box.

Charlie opens the box.

Mac and Dennis peek inside. They jump back.

Charlie ticks off his points by finger.

Charlie exits. Everyone is stunned.

Dee is rigid with rage. She stalks over to the bar.

The men continue talking.

Frank mulls this over.

Frank caves in. Dee comes back with the beers.

Mac and Dennis exit.

INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - LATER (DAY 1)

Charlie, dressed in all white suit used in ‘The Gang Exploits

He grabs his box marked ‘guds’.

Enter Frank and Dee. Dee is frazzled and dirty.

Frank notices Charlie in the mirror.

Dee drops the box on the table.

Charlie stops in disbelief.

Frank walks over to Charlie, he sits him down.

Frank snaps his fingers at Dee.

Charlie complies, relaxing a bit.

FRANK (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Charlie hesitates, eyes still closed.

Charlie opens his eyes.

Frank is at the door with the box of rats trying to slink