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The Little Double White Lie

The Little Double White Lie

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Published by Bob Pladek
White Lies-ing
White Lies-ing

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Published by: Bob Pladek on Aug 09, 2010
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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The Little Double White Lie (WL)
I was a pretty good liar even before I went to law school, as my spotless pre-Villanovaarrest record will attest. I’ve got the ‘look ‘em in the eyes, then stare just over theshoulder a few seconds and come back to the eyes with greater intensity’ thing down pat.The earnest leaning in to the sucker, very slight nodding. I’m blessed with both heightand virtually sweatless palms.So it came as something of a surprise when I stumbled into and immediately began f’ingup what should have been a routine WL situation: Receipt of duplicate Christmas gifts bytwo people I care for very, very much. My mom. And my POSSLQ (occasionally on theSLQ).Twin GPS units.The bitch of it all is I knew they were both coming and did nothing to stop it. They’d bothalready been purchased, so I’m not entirely to blame for having set the balls in motion. No, on the spot I came up with the brilliant plan of using whichever whenever the gifter was in the car. Like any good son, I practically never SEE my wonderful mom (and she iswonderful. How she ended up with such a liar for a kid I’ll never understand … thoughmy Dad was both wonderful, magic … and a terrific showman and salesman.) So it reallyshouldn’t be that tough. What, I had to maintain the charade for maybe two years, atwhich time one or the other unit (probably mom’s – the mostly unused one) would takeover as PRIME UNIT #1 with the well-used unit having broken, worn out or replaced bymore modern technology. Anyway, that was two years down the pike: last thing I’mgoing to worry about is something more than 48 hours away. Just ask my accountant onApril 12.Couple of snags: My lady friend bought me a 3-year warranty. So much for breakage,we’re talking three years for the WL. No Big Deal, right? If I can do two, I can do three.Small snag #2: Driving home from work yesterday I had lady friend’s (what the hell…LF) GPS cranking, and called my mom. Driving and fulfilling ‘call your mom’obligations work real well. There’s always the “Well…just got home.” An hour from it.Or “Oh, got another call coming in, gotta take it Mom. Love you.” I realize these are liesof the usual sort, not WLs. They aren’t generally utilized to save the other party fromembarrassment, just one’s own ass.“In 3.5 miles, keep left,” sang the sweet female voice from the unit. I got it set loud tocover the incessant sounds of a wearing engine, drafty jeep doors and toolbox toolscrashing at every bump.“Who’s that?”“Oh, heh. That’s the GPS unit.” Gulp. “The one you got me.” I’m such a dork.“I’m so glad you’re using it.” She paused. Sharp woman. “I thought you
alreadyhave one.”
“No, no…I didn’t.” Not a total lie. I didn’t have one at the time she gifted me. She gotthere first. “It’s really cool. I really like it.” Oh …
Move on, Mom. Move. On. Ihad to make the supreme sacrifice. “So, what have you been up to?”My Mom is always up to a million somethings. From her thrice-a-week YMCA exerciseclass and swim to Woman’s Club, to working at a soup kitchen to crafting dolls given tothe poor in … this month … Kenya, I think. Those are the staples. There’s always more.She is the g-damn friendliest person in the world. And the most social .Still a looker at 80in great physical shape: Hell, she had her shoulder replaced at 79.So I got it. I got it for about 30 minutes. Now, that’s good banking against the inevitable“Haven’t heard from you in awhile” speech. “Yeah, but Mom, we spoke for almost 30minutes last week.” Well, SHE spoke, My job IS to listen. I know this. My “Will ListenFor Free” online dating service subhead landed me my current and apparently future LF.If you’re going to put yourself out there as a good listener, and want a second date, you better friggin listen.I do see what the future holds, or held until this little End Game piece: Me fumblingaround with the MOM unit, trying to get it to work properly while I was driving with her, playing the complete boob on something I should know pat by that time, and resorting tosome other BS like “Oh, when I updated it via the internet I must have changed someinternal settings.” Mom isn’t real tech-savy, so I’d probably get away with it. I’m notsure you get additional hell-time for supplementing the original WL with others neededto maintain the first’s veracity. I don’t think you go to the same sort of hell if your life isloaded with WLs anyway. What, it’s just a LITTLE hell? Like you get season Yankeetickets but have a seat behind the foul pole? You live in a mansion but have to cut your own grass? Music is always playing, but its The Carpenters and John Denver?But the day is rapidly approaching when both will be in my vehicle at the same time. Ican, of course, just not HAVE the unit there with me, magnificent man-needing-no-directions. But that requires planning. Not a strong suit.So in this instance, for this WL, I’m coming clean. And killing three birds (while possiblyPOing two of them) with-one-stone: fessing up, and meeting my managing editor’sincessant copy demands.See you at the game. I’ll be the one with grass stains on my jeans. HummingRobert W. Pladek, Esq.outbroker@comcast.net 

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