For a moment I started to feel sorry for him. He whimpered in a high-pitched whine and panted so heavily that I thought I pushed his ribshalfway into his throat. But then I saw it–still in his mouth, the reason forthis whole ridiculousness, now covered in blood. In a moment of self-confidence after my victory, I rolled up my sleeves, took a deep breathand reached a hand in there. Wrapped around one of those nasty teethwas a ring. Not just any ring–the ring.Eight days, thirteen hours and ten minutes ago I asked my girl tomarry me. The ring that I had carefully picked out for her was nowwrapped like a lace bow around a beast’s tooth. Anyone would wonderwhy there was such expensive wrapping on a dirty, slobbery present.I rotated the ring back and forth trying to jog it loose, hoping that the bastard wouldn’t suddenly get a boost of energy and bite my hand off.I put the slime-and blood-covered six-thousand-dollar ring into mypocket and wondered what to do next. People had started to gatheraround and I had to have a story to get out of this in the clear. Time toturn on the old charm, I thought. Come on high school drama class,don’t fail me now. “Help! Please,” I shouted, “this dog was hit by a car.Please, anyone.”“Oh, dear,” a rotund older lady said, “can you carry him? My hus- band’s clinic is right down this way a few blocks.”It was time to kick it up a notch.“Thank you so much ma’am. He’s been following me for the last fewminutes. I think he likes me, but the poor thing just couldn’t keep up.”Man, I am such a great liar! “Then he crossed the street with me at justthe wrong time, and bam. His three good legs couldn’t get him across thestreet fast enough.”When I smiled just then, I’m pretty sure one of my pearly whites had asheen glow briefly, like in those old Pepsi commercials.
Enjoy a Pepsi.Ding!
“Oh, the poor thing. Come on.”I picked up Satan though it took all my remaining energy. I was sur-prised by my own strength. It’s amazing what your body can do afteryou have triumphed over the Devil himself. His body was limp in myarms and it was difficult to get a good grip on him. After a couple of awkward poses together, we finally settled into a pace that worked for both of us and we stopped stepping on each others toes.The woman and I commiserated on our short walk to her husband’soffice. I learned that her name was Darla (are you kidding me?) and herhusband was Herbert. Herbert and Darla Tanis. What year is this and