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David Bowick - How to Disappear Completely

David Bowick - How to Disappear Completely



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Published by Fastis Irewad

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Published by: Fastis Irewad on Aug 14, 2010
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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How To Disappear Completely
David Bowick
Fiction, Humorous, Romance, Contemporary
"David Bowick" fiction comedy contemporary "how to disapearcompletely"
t’s amazing how fast you can run when there’s a fucking rottweilerchasing you. Few domesticated animals can instill such fear insomeone as a rottweiler can. Why anyone would ever want to housesuch a monster is a mystery to me. They’re not lovable, they’re not cuteand they’re not beautiful. They slobber on everything, shit everywhere,and could easily eat the face off a child. Lovely. Sign me up for one.Make that two, actually.But there I was, running like a mongoose chased by a lion on the dryplains of Namibia. I should probably also mention that the devil dog hadonly had three good legs, one eye, and a terrible bladder problem. Hewas spraying everywhere as he ran. His fourth gimp leg wasn’t function-al–it didn’t have a knee joint and was a peg leg dragged along by thethree good ones. I always imagined that the other legs had to be resentfulof the one bad one. It just coasted along on the energy of the others, notcontributing anything, like a child living at home with his parents aftercollege. Yet somehow, by the will of some loving god, he could run. Fast.All I could think about as I ran was how I could first kill the damn thingand make it look like an accident. Run through traffic and hope he getshit? Feasible, but also likely that I’d be struck by a car, which has never been on my to-do list. I’ve never even broken a toe. Call me adventurous.So I did what any respectable, scared 20-something male would do–Iturned around, squared my position, looked around to see if there wasanyone watching and I kicked the thing smack in the face. It was a spec-tacular performance. Any soccer player would have agreed that I was blessed in that moment with perfect technique–a divine gift delivered tothe steel toe King David of my boot. My foot landed just under the jowlsof the beast and raised him head first until he made a flip and landedright on his back. I wish that someone had caught it on video. I’d be anovernight star on YouTube. Who wouldn’t want to watch an averagelyattractive guy kick a three legged, one eyed dog in the face as it urinatesall over itself? The correct answer is no one.
For a moment I started to feel sorry for him. He whimpered in a high-pitched whine and panted so heavily that I thought I pushed his ribshalfway into his throat. But then I saw it–still in his mouth, the reason forthis whole ridiculousness, now covered in blood. In a moment of self-confidence after my victory, I rolled up my sleeves, took a deep breathand reached a hand in there. Wrapped around one of those nasty teethwas a ring. Not just any ring–the ring.Eight days, thirteen hours and ten minutes ago I asked my girl tomarry me. The ring that I had carefully picked out for her was nowwrapped like a lace bow around a beast’s tooth. Anyone would wonderwhy there was such expensive wrapping on a dirty, slobbery present.I rotated the ring back and forth trying to jog it loose, hoping that the bastard wouldn’t suddenly get a boost of energy and bite my hand off.I put the slime-and blood-covered six-thousand-dollar ring into mypocket and wondered what to do next. People had started to gatheraround and I had to have a story to get out of this in the clear. Time toturn on the old charm, I thought. Come on high school drama class,don’t fail me now. “Help! Please,” I shouted, “this dog was hit by a car.Please, anyone.”“Oh, dear,” a rotund older lady said, “can you carry him? My hus- band’s clinic is right down this way a few blocks.”It was time to kick it up a notch.“Thank you so much ma’am. He’s been following me for the last fewminutes. I think he likes me, but the poor thing just couldn’t keep up.”Man, I am such a great liar! “Then he crossed the street with me at justthe wrong time, and bam. His three good legs couldn’t get him across thestreet fast enough.”When I smiled just then, I’m pretty sure one of my pearly whites had asheen glow briefly, like in those old Pepsi commercials.
Enjoy a Pepsi.Ding!
“Oh, the poor thing. Come on.”I picked up Satan though it took all my remaining energy. I was sur-prised by my own strength. It’s amazing what your body can do afteryou have triumphed over the Devil himself. His body was limp in myarms and it was difficult to get a good grip on him. After a couple of awkward poses together, we finally settled into a pace that worked for both of us and we stopped stepping on each others toes.The woman and I commiserated on our short walk to her husband’soffice. I learned that her name was Darla (are you kidding me?) and herhusband was Herbert. Herbert and Darla Tanis. What year is this and

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