Masthead ‘managing editor-in-chief dade akola content editorin-chief taryn parker arts &eulture ‘ondiek odor opinions penelope evans avant-garg svmeet sharma anlitsang, daniela mabimoud & alice yang production manager, ‘sofa champion illustrator Jodi euteneier distrobution ‘yam hume staffemeritas slynisstarunner ‘Shania perera| front cover Jodi euteneter ack cover ang stall contributors isobeleamesie made christie ‘eonstance darcy cassandra goth imlean ‘eas huntsman merkur it keaton ‘nla volume sixty-three, issue three ‘ctaber 30,4017 Editor's Address Dear Gols, ‘While compiling this issue, Taryn reminded me that this time last year was our ineoduetion fo Pordan Jeterson. What a life? What a ‘work is man?! Ae you already tuckered ou by the amount of eandy you ae? Did you suck t up atthe party on Saturday and ask the ete person inthe ‘banana costume out fr coffee? I ripped on my way to the eandy bow nd sill managed to steal al the rockets Sweet arts? Whatever just 4013 /6of the cavities in my mouth filed. Enjoy this hitery, sad land syet iste ofthe ghomlish Gargoyle, We aways have tl fil-szed candy bas, Best regards, Dede Akolo itor. Chie About us “The Gangovle is University College's greasest student newspaper and publishes every two weeks. ‘We area paper that believes that sometimes you should be angry, and that sometimes you should be load, and if you have not hada voice before, you deserve a voice We donot give print space to bigots and we donot feign neutrality on issues of coca justice. At this moment, everything in ot ‘fie ion ire, ‘The Gargoyle dungeon/oficeis located in F, acess bythe F door in the UC quad 416.996.0941 ‘ucgargoyle@gmaicom/submisions@ uegargosle.casheanying OK? MO Theres this “Univesity-Mandated Leave Policy” that circulated The Varsity and here my notes and ‘thoughts. It goes toa vote frst on December to the Executive Committe, andi endorse, willbe sent to Governing Counel on December 14 Ql Ane Datpy Pot Stor Gard “aniverslty* Te Universo Tron “Student” anyone ened cose, school or Caryingam active student cad ‘Gisston head — head honeo of ay colle, {eel or scoot tat he tents egered in ‘Student Case Manager” (SCM) = your new Inst fend ‘Chosen by ‘the Vice” Provost Siento escort you oo ou ay ‘Student Support Teatn (SSI) ~ Your new icon of het src eens reyistraral personnel, medial professionals, Tddomic” daitrtors, compas sae) Personnel and campus pie" aboersto wish ua alc farewell Kae Me Dann Thi Vile to 1 Introduction 4. Guiding Principle: ‘The public persona of the university comes to play, establishing all the things It does not or ‘anmot do, Saving thee asses now », Application and Scope: Meaning that this pole applies to all students land. specifelly those facing. mental health ‘challenges. It does nothing if you want to leave School, which is defined as ¢ voluntary leave ‘which Sounds lke you're just dropping out. This till be copied and pasted into the Viee Provost land. Governing Connells mouths a8" they regulate thelr gully conscousnes, {Threshold for Intervention: ‘Your ticket to bureaucratic ell “The threshold for intervention encompasses 00 potential scenarios: ‘Scenario 1: Students behaviour poses a risk ff harm ta self or others, including but not limited to rsk of imminent or serious physical ‘or psychological harm, or harm that involoes ‘more than a_minimal. impairment of the ‘cluctional experience of fellow students, or ‘Scenario 2: While not posing a risk ofharm to self or others as deseribed tn Scenario 1, the ‘Student is unable to engage I atts required to. pursue an education atthe University rotwithstanding accommodations or supportive ‘resources that may be avaiable.” I Process 4 Notation tothe Vice-Provost, Students: This tells you whois going to know your business, hat busines theyre gong to know and when, Pople tat may Know your business Vice Provost, Students Who "may also establish a SST"because 779972 ‘Also this may be put toa delegate of the Vie: Provost Students bectse they have shit tod, Who? Fockshould [inow? a ‘Vice Provost, Students 772 The person in charge cof student elated things idk Vice-Provost, Prof. Sandy Welsh ‘Simcoe Hall Room 223 27 King’s College Circe, Toronto, Ontario MSS i ‘Tal: 416.978.9870 Fax: 416.046.0678 Email: ypstudents@ wtorontoca Website! yor. veeprovosstulnts oronto.ca Viee-Provost, Graduate Research & Education: if you're a graduate student Prof. Joshua Barker St George treet, Room 207, Toronto, Ontario MsS2zo Tel: 416.078.2390 Fax: 416.946.7021 Email sgs-dean@utoromtoca ‘Website: np: / J ses. toronto, Vice-President and Provost, for review (ound this out late) Prof. Chery! Regebt Simeoe Hall, Room 225 27 King’s College Circe, Toronto, Ontario MSS tA ‘Tel: 416.978.2120 Fax: 436.078.9099 mall: provost toronto.ca Website: htpy www provost. toronto.ca jf00 prota and noma wih (TSAO) the Student Case Manager You will be notified later and “The Student may seek the support of a family member yikes! health professional of thei choice [zoinkst) a legal advocate ("1 am very small and T have no money” ~ John Mulanes] oF ‘other support person (ie my sweet "papa frend) fatany time during the application o ths Poi.”«Voluntary Leave of Absence: ‘So wat if you want to want to leave? Peace the fuck out Throw me into the void Sandy “When the Voluntary Leave i implemented, the ‘Student Information System [ce, Rosi/Acorn] will reflect the act thatthe Student som a Leave af Absence under the terms of this Pole” This actually isn't terrible wow but like what about the UTSU (pronounced OOT-100)? The Student Information System doesnt only haveyotr grades. thas things lke the fact that in 2015 there was a strike, thus giving explanation {or all your courses being eredit/non-redited What wil your grad school think about jour eave of Absence? £. Universty-Mandated Leave of Absence: iat ike, capitalism? We do still need to survive fand get our dough, But ike... you're sid and ‘oor? You res and poor and defiant? Fuck of The. Vie-Provost, Students may place the Student on @ Univesity Mandated Leave. of ‘Absence after follasing the process stout below then: {2 Student's behaviour meets the threshold for Intervention, reasonable efforts have been made toenable the Student o continue in their studies ‘ano facitate reasonable accommodations But such eforts have not been successful, and Voluntary. Leave of Absence has not b ‘agreed toby the Student The SCM wl et you know that hell approaches But then here's this sch as. those blent behaviour, it ‘may berneessar fo remove the tadentjrom the University immediately tn such eases, the Vice ProvostStudents-mayTemiporae udent rity Mandated [a ‘Sea tou falooieg fe sboreee fo Rai hanes dane tte ior Voe-Provost, Student 9. Terms and Conditions: unlike facebook’s ACTUALLY READ THESE These are the things that will happen to your ‘outstanding fees coursework, where ou may Ie if you were on residence, academic credits that may stile avallaley your access tothe Lniversity (or lack there), acess to services Health and) Wellness, ow they you wil communicate with the university dung the leave And how you will prove that you can come back to 1, Review by the Provost no later than 10 business" LMAOOOO 1V.__Appealto the University Tribunal: Fight back! Within 15 days of the Provost's Aeeision! The hearing is public, sory. Be sure to tress tothe nines! Thave nero idea how toile an apped, ike literally ‘hey don't tll you who to ema fist. Here are all "he contacts ad seta Hnks: Non Academie Discipline Appeals. Frey wea utoronto.ca/processes/appea DDyNonAcademieDistplineappeas btm Disepline. Appeals Board of ‘Tribunal Mr. Christopher Lang, Director, Appeals, Disci Grievances DOfie ofthe Governing Council Simeve Hal, Room 106 ing’ Cllege Cielo Toronto, ON MSS 1A Phone: 416-946-7663, Fax: 416-978-8182 Ema cheBstopher Jang@utoronto.ca UNC e the University ye and Faculty Ms. Tracey Gameiro Associate. Director, land Faculty Grievances Ofte ofthe Governing Connell imeoe Hall, Room 106 27 King’s Callege Circe Toronto, ON MSS 1A Phone: 416-946-5244 Fax 416-978-8182 Email tracey gameiro@utoronto.ca ypeals, Discipline Office ofthe Governing Council imcoe Hall, Room 06 | 27 Kings College Cirle ‘Toronto, ON MSS At Phone: 416-978-5987 Fax gi6-978 Aiba mall: krista osbourne@utoronto.ca RS. (Mile it's Shia pein Ve Ongoing Abitty to Provide Information you may tle te ay information during Sour leave i important. This cannot appeal Second time but the terms and conditions of your leave may be adjusted Return to Stes After Leave of Absence “This partis kinda fucked up, You gota apply for your Fetirn 3o das before te erm you mish to ‘enroll in and you maybe subject to sever tests and asseswemente Before they” accept your application. esata hep your notations up “66. If the Student does not conta the University within the timeframe speed fn the terms and condition, the University may take steps to terminate the Students registration ‘and/or assoctation with the University VIL. Conftdentiatiy and Privacy ecause this policy is about the safety of the szident in gueton or other sade tthe university, tv university is obligate to dacone {information tothe parties previously mentioned, VII. Annual Reporting and Periodic Review Boring Basialy, the Vice Provost, Students will share the goings-on of the void every year to the University Aats Board and every three yeas the Provost will: report to. Governing, Counel Reviews and “revamps vil take place as recommended. Which makes me think, unless someone commits suicide, nothing wil change,Personal Thoughts [hope this is helpful. You may be asking why the Gargoyle as such concern about this policy. Yes the university neds a Leave of Absence policy ‘This keeps international students from Tosing thet stats. stents and hes base for howe ‘the university wil conduct a proper Leave of ‘Absence. tis meant to replace the vague Stadent Code of Canduct but dosent do much to specify the grounds ofleave. This policy directly effects the ability for our fiends to feel” comfortable approaching counseling services at Unf. Who is considered threat the univer? Who ca pot ach threat? Recovery is very complicated and this policy makes an awl slip of your progression a Seseent Into bureaveratie ell an possibilty expulsion This isa draft however. I gous toa vote frst on December § to the Executive Commitee, and if endorsed, wil be sent to Governing Count on \ “im bly, om 1s i A a peice eed md 5 awe praelice mb Pon jet be omy 200% Sede December 14. I's probably going to be passed because Governing Council sounds like circle jerk. We ean fight back. We will fght hack Contact ‘the “Vice Prowest, "your UTSU representatives (each division has one), nd your college counel head. We Interview Aidan Swirsky \ UY “5 shit (mental health? who is she) fl ie yee em garg stall ISU UC representative, and_outspoken hponent ofthe Mandatory Leave of Absence okey tat dou woth so give ws a inser Tew ofthe poly. 1. poiey was downplayed by UTSU exces oe TOUTSU staf/representatves ; 2 ats reps dat find ot about the true ‘tare ofthe poi unl the story broke inthe varsity ~gthere hast been outright objection to ihe policy within the usu, though exces trent completely onboard =e there hasn't been chance for ats itr tev th poi ther than the daft hat was al = 5raidans main concerns with the policy under what are those mai concerns) wording of polly int specific ‘enough to prevent an abuse of power from happening co Me iron hammer of suicide semi t = how does this change uni pliey (you haven't already addressed that enough in your atile) © pipelining? eam 7the policy is most likely going to pass, foverming councl rarely votes against felt = what can be done to work against this policy? is there any point of talking to the© He antitsang Welcome to my twisted mind, gargoyles, These past few woeks leading up to Halloween have been abit traumatic to say the least. Pm nt fan ghost stories or hort movies and never hve been, but tis the season to give myself insomnia by consuming an excess of spooky stary media and lie aake at night wondering i we ean eve Aefnitvely prove the existence of the paranormal 4.don't want to be that one drunk whit kid atthe house party who brea oat the Ou ard. Bat do “know that ghost hunting i, super eatertaning, and might be of use to It ou would-be Shanes and Ryans know what yout Let's practice safe hex kids, fou remember sng oto Supernatural” yon should ake the proper recations, Make Sure youte not trespassing (ora least don't get aught) and don underestimate the vale of hey waterithe demons decide you're gonna be het wo Te’s what you need to Paranormal investigator toes “8 Wie A trendy yaw Fis 5 Buzop. ting know before you become a 09 2C Nn /\f WW VoL VP EaAAAAe yn, youre going to need few things to dee those specter scent Fig dv advally om crite 8 SP phast adientores (ne of your best tool is your smartphone since you can use i to record ai, take video and Pictures, and even ae ft asa alight while you fxplre weird old bulings, Youre going to be Hooking for human figures, light orbs oF other inexplicable anomalies in the photos. Though Sonne leading ghost experts peer infrared ight Vision or even dspenale cameras, how ae yo Suppose to nstagram your haunting i you ave to ait to get" the spooky evidence photos developed? IF yonire handy, you might be able to make Yourself a “thot Bor” fom « modified AM/FM Fadio to scan channels and prove white noise you want to speak ditstly to spit this kind office ean help give thema voce sinc the can ‘manipulate thefequencies, The mest compeling ‘evidence we can find for ghosts general evolves stound ther otherworldly sounds (elled EVPS tr electroni voice phenomena), so ty making a bit of sal ak or ask them odo someting prove ther ese et on sa psi off oh by plying skeptic You tra ottny ot de so dn ty ie athe re had be win man, Yor it hee eo tnt mae your hasnd aa Jem Tape Het host Whisperer entail ey hae Sr aa them and mga pot on sae Teta eftappet that acd tobe reece Cf coun, yout nt inne to gt ands on Shite paormal comer uring he To re we scdemin Theresa wealth of fennbi dtc onthe olga phon, {ecapee comma tat un the wor Check any aneraies w fnd erteh ‘Stay frosty the out our Fig 4 - wat Mars all along!olive? I Never Wrote Twilight Fic, but I Should Have =e ercucsis fl s cassandra goth AF you did't read Step shy a in your mouth without so — rare The critique of twilight comes expectation that ii id But twilight i, indispatably Now onto the meat ofthe thing Life and Death fmagines Bella asa crnging semi-bu (ve mst Baar and Beat, but { BS years and involve them being college roommate) "Need a hand?” At Edythe's offer, Bela I hind her tighten, has noA Spooky Quest in Downtown Montreal by isobet Carnegie The setting is downtown Montreal, a ainy, windy ‘Sunday ~ Twas stranded in Quebec afer once again succumbing to my inability to tell the diference between 124m and 13pm, This however is beside the point — 1 was determine to bring home bagel for my family 'asasingle uiumph after my weekend of uck-ups And so began my (unforeseen spooky) quest for the best Montreal hast offer 1H was late, and rainy, so 1 did what every nillenial would do: I asked Google where the closest bagel place was Lo and behold, there was 4 place just around the eoemer from Grey Nuns residence, called Faubourg Hagel Place on Rie Sasinte-Catherine Ouest. Ad so, optimistic and ‘kindof damp, my friend and I rave the wind and rain and ind step mall? got funny fectng in my knees the moment we walked in A distnetlyrnsty smell hit me, most Tiel from the hope Concordia stents ha lft abandoned in the classrooms downstairs, (Aso lassrooms in the basement of an abandoned Seip mall? What?) Going against every cell in my body that was Screaming at meto eave, andthe part of my bran ‘that was informing me that was being that white person in a horror movie, we took the rickety ‘scalar upto find a competely empty, bt open for busines, ollaama, anda dozen boarded up shops. Cingng tothe hope that maybe we might stil find bagels, we tren hesitantly down adit, dank halla lf the Tights had blown out and there was a clanking from above us, Oa one side there were beat up eatery tables bolted tothe wal, fn the other rows of stall and. datk shops Highlights included a massage parlour that was ‘most definitely front for something else and (Chinese estarant and no bagels in sight. The ‘only souls we encountered were a teenage couple tating atone ofthe tables, and T almost asked ‘hem why on earth they wer sting in a al finished,” abandoned hallway’ with exposed piping, but decided aginst it 1 really was not interested in being in the comebsekof Chopping Mall so we booked right fut of there a fast as we could, abandoning the hope of bagels among those of the Concordia students ¥ Back in Grey Nuns, we read the Google reviews yee as? ve ‘ ogy! Lesson learned. 00 Ne cman alii fand one dude who straight up said hat its ke & tombie could come afound the next comer to look up Faubourg Bagel Place again ~ only to Find itdoes not come upon Google maps now. So, viously ie was a trap_and 1 only narrowly frvoided getting murdered. If there had been thgels though, just might have Deen worth atta Goowle reviews that just made me Lagh Greeny place ~ Kristyn “lesa shit hole!" Hoang:Khai “is frightening” — Kirith, i “Hf could given dump star would.” — Bret rp Stinky and dark, A good place to get mugged or fima sult n= Mark : Has the atmosphere ofa funeral” ~ Momo.My Gay Reawakening at Walt Disney World wea hunteman merkur Last summer, two fiends and I elebrated out ppewiound adulthood by realizing ou childhood teams and going to Disney World. We used the feeastons of graduating fom high school and tny fiend Shay and Vs eariy Aust birthdays to excuse the expense, especially as we were reading to umiversiy i the fal The trp itself was during the last week of August the height of hurricane season. Harvey tea iting Texas when we few into Orlando Tnternational at midnight inthe middle of Tainstorm, the time we got tothe hotel it was {oro am and we were deenched. Our ran soaked {nrodution did nothing to dampen our mood {ind what followed was four fate days of traling eating, shopping, and more ime spent Vriting inline for ses tha actully ii them. Disney World isa unique space. An artificially Constryted land where dreams come true and cima cn talk very ast detalls planned for: the arin Panda (he new area in Animal Kingdom based on James Cameron's incredibly popular Avatar) is perfumed to ad tothe Htvsion of being om another planet fed of Solat panel in the shape of Mickey's head matching his and hers shirts, Mickey ears ins. and mugs because Disney tells one story and that story i that cishets ar the only people on the planet Which why Twas not expecting to havea gay (reawakening Lak fm yb oe pay fn ats fa sho weather wil oreo nding Fem ietorasfckand fot risking eats ove hepri So [as being treated rap. Ts ment being led primus (nacho lee cepy tee than Rome BUT SLL VERY COS) ting aed Iptangrs and ost inportanty Tat Spier pat ofthe Disney Hetero ffesyle™ sl terefne ited wth when et Gaston 1 ota wellnown thing for guys who ok ike they can bench press me and deat Go that pad suit dd ge the impression He tro lallebe was suave, we talked out how sl ‘Ccmered we both are im eo, i not much of {Ttrett), he sid my eyes were prety. mre {ea tomato nal the petro a neon sign iting’ I VEGOT QUESTIONABLE CHOICE IN MEN on my forehead yi gay beat jistabout de. ‘ht Tater that night Iwas struck witha horeble ‘eallzation. ILI had waited few more years Defoe ging, bal been read asa guy by the people around me, Twould not have gotten the ime treatment. There would have been macho posing, Tmay have been ealled a tg ike the By infine ahead of me. would not hae been Finted with Tae extreme stk faking though the entice park caught up tome there are no gay princes or princesses, there are tainly no trans characters. And my rif ‘rush with the Disney narrative If te feeling more lke Hook (a flamboyant queer-coded Willen than Prine Charming 1 returned home two days Iter, shrugging off the last ofthe psi dust in preparation for ‘asses, with a weight on my chest hat wasn't there bfore my vacation. Disney doesn't care aout people onside ofthe norm, the happiest place on earth will not grant my happiness. Fim et with my fantasies. After al, the song might go"No one's neck’ as incredibly tick as Gaston" but uh, those words dont actually rhymeste Which Cryptid Should —™ kit keaton = You Take t 3 You sand xing! The big dance gt a teeth tate tan ire teen ei oe ale] ate hah Mogren Whats gin todo? pecase We he we dont wor ee aoe rea The pot your Gargole bane Bee minds have Dut SDE ak a arto help 90H cHOOs ecto ad instead spending he night eng — — Starmer < Shit Sonar eae The Quest 2) When your favourite en Spetactenpreniont? Sete Ab ee Osea Wer Shanes Ener 2) What'syouridea date? onaaviet ap waking trot at allen on ay ri Say eer ek the ble Pre tba ae ckling ad comedians at an Pe dent would «p) Which assassinated presen ie oy total Dinan Keane ‘ietton tne 2 Mier Gare hw kinky stay 0° |p) We Saturday night! Do youstay goout? Sn packet in? Spimexbe ine Desi 2 scoopaseerVegRD STORIED come Netflix, cuddle abit al maybe just ‘put whatever we do, need ct Brooding Time o Prom? 5) Finally, what unresolved mystery are ‘you most interested in? fa) Indrid Col The Patterson Glin tape ©) Operation Deepscan 1) The Kelly-Hopkinsile encounter Results Well its ime totally those totals to tell who's ‘your truly ters tre love! net! But then again, it almost sem like ro right not be forthe two of you, Its a big, crowded event where you won't even beable hear one another! Consider skiping the dance ‘next masterpiece? 5) ) By golly, Bigfoot is your dream boy! He may seem lke your stereotypical jock, but under that football uniform, he's aetualy a realy cool guy! You'll have a great ime just Ranging bythe snack table, discussing ll your favourite things, ‘movies, msc, and mysterious disappearances! Maybe you'll even doa ite dancing, and under the elite ofthe haf disco bal the student, ‘oun found at Value Village, maybe, just ‘maybe.’ plant those big, fry ips on yours! Swoon! ©) You wish you were Nessie’ gil! His Inystrius, bd boy vibe may make you wary at fist, but once you cack that shel e's actualy kind funny fellow who just wants to make your laugh? The two of you wil probaly skip out of ‘the dance early and go hang ot inthe alley bbhind the cafeteria, taking turns sipping fom his as (dont tell momo) and talking about ‘where you believe your place within the vast ‘cosmic wonderland we fahabit 4) OMG, ts destiny! You and latoods, twas ‘meant tobe! Hes the coolest, ls going to be sooado0o jealous that you bragged the hotest bachelor nthe schoo! liste! The two of you are ging to-hve gh eth ent PhsiOW MDD st oma jp OANA SES ‘Mai, dating sure shard, but weall know having ahoyfriend is the most important thing in ie! Wehere at The Gargoyle hope your dreamy darling makes prom the mot fantastical, mazing,radicalrific night of your ie! Afterall, ital dowahil from here!# 5 3 5 : i Ei 8 2 ¢ Z i saw what CorondiHACKS Vol 1: Halloween Edition ‘So the funds that wouldve been put into pasting $e teualrefetive surface to each mirror on this Spread were forcibly taken, Taken and used to SRiinute collaborative, soon-to-be-instaled nator eave policy ata Unversity 8 TMuierty that's definitely ot this one. The ‘posed policy ehange that m talking about is Pate the Go- Kill: Vourself-But-Don Be {inlled- When-You-Do-I-tol” amendment, “alts implementation wl make an event, such Site Fire Nation's attack, comparable to ‘fepnimg on a lego during the day of 9/1, Leos Feklng hurt, bat my god, at Test you're not rhe proposed policy amendment has an oly Tec opetfeceue the student non being Tong policy believed hat sing Te ash i youl pve the same amount of haractt persed poor pon 8 oan amacaTe, According 10 amos ‘SRee, tbe projet was oneal ted Lm Sp being: Poorand-Sad-You eet before beng ofcilly proposed care ee name was changed ater ing to rtations excetie for S300, wo ali pe seconds tt them know hat the {hepa ame was od tasteless. funds for a much-neede campus’ 4 {yl re ea esa lo speculate that the previous paragraph was madeup, and the Gargoyle Simply ded it reerve oy every cop of {50 First Dates walle inthe Greater Toronto Are. For arti reasons Whatever. thank V Seri “This tet is glued onto picture of a mirror, fo, just pretend that is doing what mitrors fre supposed todo, There's the ondTHACK. Spend 800 your costume this yea by rearing that same costume you fore Yourself nto every morning, The mask that Jou're already wearing sas good as any Shrek mask youl find at your neighbourhoods Dolarama Follow this ondiHLACK, an I personally {gurantee that youl be able to save Batloads of money. Like, to000ns. 1m Completely serious: this s money that you Em ae incase the Unspeifed-Universiy That's Located-Somevehere-lse suggests that you take an academic leave. rightening your purse strings during the fel ends men hat 8 fant have fun? Being Youre ensures that Sol be able to have a good time with the Frys and stil have enough change to, purchase at last one week's worth ofthe insured preserption medication medication that Kees you from iaentmindedly shoving your entire head into your oven instead ofthe pa filled with ‘hcolate chip banana bread batter you prepped beforehand, Or, truthfully, you could just not be a homophobe, and buy E «MO “TION by Carly Rae Jepsen on iTunes now Aayoay uh yeah the miro, nd bh, iors tes, otal de tpn Uns yor eating end candy ers radial at Bectecspeie fa Good Ick frends! D(editor's note:Well, et wll asain! Cet Halloween ihe long withthe burning sum fains our neoliberal ideals ad the fone night a blade nan appt anything about i and no othe ils can say trae pasts vile ptr etn And that is, ladies and gentle wie ic of ur a-for pookers, 2 Joi quieky fl that centres around noted Canadian lesbian person Ellen Page asthe titulatino MG wisecracking siteen- Yearold Minnesotan fannelweare whose thervise all-American adolescence is turned upside down and rghtside up when she ‘lscovers that she's pregnant. Fortunately—wel] fs fortunate as toen pregnancy gets the father ‘of er baby is her adorkable “its compliatd tus friend Paulie Bleeker, played by Michael Cea, in his most quintessential Michael Cora role to date Anyhoo, the film avers cliched tere Dresenting Juno aa teenage gid whore ‘complex penonhond is repeatedly tos to exist hevond the black wt ivized primitive binary eatingent approach thinking that ick oe srorking-lass white people into voting for Trump : Wsa muti while, ph ted ideology that once in a you to actually believe that consciously spliting om lived ones before they can abandon you geen. That ‘in that moment, exhumsing that eight seas Od inside—the one inthe Pikach ume—that hal oy to end, wil the inevitable heartache any moe ticking wil bing S50 ma ene looks like ts that sme of year ness that maintains the sie ly grazes our decaying flesh. Tes the when a gil can hide a razor ondiek oduor that tells you tobe careful who ou expose your trust sl to, Yes tha ong makes you think tht you feel a ifyou ne before it abjectively happens. In a ‘unread—eovering the merit stained fluorescent beige erpeting. seating cackling fend, and an old Maco ke covered room, with textiooks opened but Playing a clip ofa cid ming thee hamster justa second forthe fash of ‘moment to make it kaw ‘To make knovn what you already know, that to iow yon, be diay, Yo forgot to tek, ut the teat stil fied in an Uincontnable sabbatical thats already ben planned «ating a baby itjust birthed, Inthe sewond it takes forthe nakedness of one another's truth tobe nourished and content takes at Kodiak Trent spol for you jut in case yore {ang tis a si ave wate ino Inthe enyens that been rent wl say that Simla scenario, T SBTRKT playing in features an upbes ans mania neways peat ac tema eek Honest God, 2007 Michael fucking Cera was like a newborn puppy whose temporary Hndness somehow makes i even more cute and non threatening. Nt in that misogynistic “yr Deatifal because you don't know iki of way exceptin a ‘newborn puppy ind of way Juno and Micha ih, instead of hi he background it sounding, nisi “Zooey Desc Felationship, a adorkable as iti, does asthe lm progresses die toa ally Iprcize folky soundtrack that could make a song deserting the 1980s HIV/AIDS crisis Sound farand lowe thandShe & Hin isnot featured, sounds ike thea es keiBt unlike Michael Cer, Juno's mere on-screen presence ean make evens high-trung Jenifer Garner, wo plays Gvenyth Paltrow's tndenstoy in elif, sound ike «nonsensical ‘toon ann fom Carle Brown's Peanuts tniverse, This docs not deter rom the actuality that noted Canadian lesbian person Ellen Pig, is undeniably playing a sisteensearold-not-e fist not eto, No ame of oni Bamburger phones or ime spent nn ional realng penny saveradvertisements ca conceal sphemerl spac tcl cae ot rejecting the aaeeating total api ‘of constner bse identity (ihe smell soup el that tink eyes Juno), and in the next seney stccumb the infoiatng grep of youthfal Balvety and idealism that temporary allows het {Oliventafale imaginary where her rendship ‘wth Jaon Bateman sin any way appropriate Juno's plot combined with its ital To putt different the realistic aspects of ‘Allthings considered, Juno isan underrated Soda clase that, wen arf apavsed, tears the umsting foundation of Halloween sctoman grt earth sn alsat the viewer's face Is message carries ihe spoke evcation of ail i's tat even an sbjectvly coal sich a Juno Meu who can prabably make someon ike yo ry in el ity responding to snthing yu say with "WOW. DREAM BIG!" wetting a eontume “oat ike heres of ws, Wee all nearing ‘eatumes, Societys costumes. Juno meauft Agency” diferent “ferent {glee Juno four-and-a-quarter 2030 live-action ‘Soot Pilg out of five 2007 Michael Ceri protagonist's understated iitation wth simpy being inspires even the most self-confident : {wentysmething to re-examine the easetring see faery te fat then we they ale tht mom by her fst mane (Beth) iter she refed to uy them cet 10 Bly ™ Talent. You know I feel ike this i all the eclipses fault. "Who knew that in. 2007 the year-long tecipse would dawn upon just the northwestern fremisphere,scemingly every other month onthe third Tuesday of each piven month. OF course, hhobody remembers this given the authorized fzoernment controlled se ofthe memory wiping {ice (mown to us as the reason we walk into a oom sometimes and not remember Our reason for entering given room). This was introduced in the Men Jn Black government-run tommerialized cinematic tial, pon an absence ‘tebel groups trying to monetize the uty, the (CAhas concluded no rouge organization is able to prec such weapon, 0, the use of such goes by petty much undetected operation Yassssin, ‘Now, the reason this eclipse situation needed to, ‘be torgten was that they were testing al sort of fnew weaponry on the moon. Now see, that's aere it gets real fucking tecky: the nuclear \reapons tested onthe icon have the potential of ‘Being harmful tothe fragile rock balancing out fray fore, but that was. part ofthe plan the fnoon gets damaged, the planes fy higher, the traterstare: more lent, the explosions have Inore effec, carried on the Red Salls of war. This trae wl ave more effect. The winner get al the none, Red Money. The next world war will be the lat one, and the government is making sure oft by wtilising space. No more wil anyone ‘Look Back In Ange: ow the question dear rade i ow do Nort SFon may have noticed that his mon enoning tak es OD ee stint amen oid 1) pov in Tog his Uarteeath sto Bike The Ladger See, the. government Sut an nt motor ay peepee cannot an od wah popreltre ering ames ee ack ss, 1am se. THs ine amd Repcton” a this ota sua plaedout mary years ago atthe thon nding ost erik The Lodger ——_ grimlean a compelling overwhelming mirage ailthese decades, Now they will Move On and fammence opernion “African Night Flight” “He knows too much, is 00 late But back tou horses out fora smoke While the world was focused on Armstrons’s Alescent down to earth, another spaceship (ras breaking the bart of our atnosphee, ale named “Boys Keep Swinging,” an they Stayed onthe moon ll these years setting up {i operation, ‘The head strategist simply Called Bu wasto have everyting ready by this ety Oetober, 2007 and the eclipse was going Tobe te signal Alisready. The rebels were Tstening and the CTA coulda risk this moon mmission. being discovered so 0 Communication was allowed unt the clips. ‘simlean ‘eon reason now ANY ofthis that Tas omarion ee, der. See it san Ar Baad weno Pent ep onthe roto se eit tsasment ly vitor ha member fh Gitex and found the es on a FUCKING Fey SK Considering the pan a Teche ero erat hate ars border of ante ter PE pas able to sereve tes les a0 un aca them, Eventing ae op mas ot Spon ofw at hy nN Soc ie pm banal on lows ao Mat te pcs andthe memo TRANS cur minds Have become exatsed cra faowcen wl be eral, Al the nd ep hia Noemie beige sa ght nmin sound 2 SBA frm ets wl wake ep hungover abd cr whan wl be cared oot cxtanfathe cease Voyage take place inthe early hous ofthe morning, ‘wl devastate al Thear him comingTexas Witeh = stn pear ~ ‘hey want to look like me suaist God's lightning dominance Allyear round the gil go blind to me. Then suddenly sap gold cross and holy book forblack nals and sil spells and hellish personhood. Wild and wicked ‘wel fein dark femininity (Our Father's foresee this sorcery = ve willeondemn us, Batis Halloween, and we're all nally fucking happy : andl the gists are smiling, Perfect poison pricking rom white fang, a wite’s power {ines composed by an aristocratic englishivoman "Won returning froma gay sex orgy Constance Amtalady) igh my prep schoolteachers said i unnecessary qualifiers Ain! Papa's grammar books std the same ‘They wentraped me since the day I was Horn Am honourable? For the Most Revered Archbishop sid on that day My original in has defined me arcades nt Me, the coral enerusted crit, infinitecinal Bor a baroness The dreams of femininity wrapped in lace Walking down St.Paul’ Cathedral oa sperm filled suit To pop out right honourable tent-sucken? Eneirled Mama's mind already You have done, on day one of my life, ¢ ‘What Literate Professors like Pape Have told me not to, Ten Fold Bae hog Psi ae Bir amo On aurag AUC y | moon ondiek oduor he mon ily I me. Theony moon thei et ight Onmny blackest skin, isfy caressed Without abandon, and no Pat The moon finally let meg ack Inmy blackest skin, Tet me go and Without abandoning, The moon surendered me, and my Hlackest skin bat othe feeting morning dew and its sssuredRIPPED NYLON this poem was written white under the influence of cheap vodka and my teenage angst back from the packed frat, my toe hurts, does yours? 2 plastered Face, in ths blasting space i walk the master’s pace in this Bastard’ ra ‘everyone assumes that we lke the chat or that we're pretty and pure Tike grandma's lace this whole Generation, we are all individuals we are all individuals we are all the same? individual the oot is forgotten, all thought is verboten ‘no journals are wrote in retin are YOu ‘tveatened? she, bback from the packed frat, nylons tippedH GFS ( aGargoyle Mental Health Manifesto shit (mental health? who s she) garg stall srentally ill students deserve autonomy finish their Mentally ill students can Anish, thele Mentally cid have since this university w# founded. Tivey even, somel ww, successfully {it students deserve the same Mentally iffforded to all other students resources affor Mentally il students deserve 10 access Mise without fear of suspet Teaation doesnt Neb at en chem out of eidenc® Ft sway to help suicidal sion aren't the only Anxiety and deprs ‘mental illnesses. the current structure of health and The cus doesnt adequately treat mentally " There currently is a cap on the number of ecsions you ean have, curzent ait lists fF & Xeetor push 6 months, In urgent need? Wat two sweeks orgo to an ER, Mentally ill students shouldn't be ipelined to institutionalization. Student societies should do what they're ‘made to do: stand up for the students they represent, Universities should help the students that pay them, not wash their hands of fi esponsibility when things get tough. Health professionals should deal with matters of illness, not viee-provosts. Mentally ill students deserve pol made for them that aren't puni overbroad, or vague, ‘The creation of policies that affect a vast Hin ‘group of students shouldn’t be kept under traps until they're leaked. 4, kel bern Mbert Pig ine oF the univers "Op. %o - ents deserve autonomy. Ly Mentally ill students d ints deserve autonomy. Interested in fighting against this policy? Email your © : provost. Sandy Welsh at femimel a presents. co” ou student society head. in UC? Email presen iweTfconnect you fo resourses, som and